'Potter, for the last time, I will never go out with you!'
'Why?' James asked desperately, his eyes never leaving Lily's, both threatening to tear.
'Why? Why!?!' she half shrieked at him, a droplet of spit flung from her mouth and hit him on the cheek, causing him to flinch slightly. 'I'll tell you why. I hate you. Period. I hate you! I always have hated you!! I always will hate you!!! I think, that it is safe to say, that I despise you!' Lily looked like she was about to continue, but, before another word could leave her mouth, James had turned around. She watched as he walked slowly away from her, shoulders sagged in defeat, and continued up the stairs to the boy's dormitory. He was hurt.
James walked up the stair at a dead pace. His eyes had finally gotten what they wanted and tears were falling freely down his sad and grief-filled face. He felt so empty, his heart was gone and an empty, chilling, cold hole had taken its place. He entered the room at the top of the stairs which was, to his immense relief, empty of all fellow students. He continued with his slow pace to his still unmade bed and sat on the edge of the mattress, tears still falling.
She hated him.
She hated him.
She hated him.
She hated him
She hated him.
That single thought just made the tears fall faster. The slowly setting sun seeped through the gaps in the velvety curtains on the opposite side of the room. The weak streams of light caused the object on the table beside him glint with some kind of evil light. His head turned to it and, automatically it seemed, James lifted up the silver blade. Sirius' knife. He gave it a blank look before glancing down at his cuff covered wrist, a sadistic smile flashing grimly across his tear stained face. That was what he needed, some way to release his mental pain in a physical manner. He slowly unbuttoned the cuff, the un-fallible knife resting on his slightly shaking knee. When that was done, he rolled up the crisp white sleeve of his shirt and picked up the knife. It was cold in his hands and the metal still danced evilly with the last rays of the setting sun. He pressed the metal lightly to the soft skin on his wrist and slowly drew a straight across its span. James removed the blade and watched as droplets of deep red blood oozed out of the shallow wound with it, he could feel some kind of sick and twisted pleasure. The pain that he had caused himself was taking away that, which Lily had inflicted upon him.
Lily.
He slashed again, this time the wound was deeper and cut faster, with more pressure. The blood came quicker this time and the warm substance trickled down his arm and onto his clothing. James gasped slightly with pain, but he silently continued his spree, cuts soon littering from the first and shallowest at his wrist, to the last and deepest which rested below the inside of his elbow. James stared at his scarred arm, he was starting to feel faint from the blood loss. He placed the bloody knife on the table once again, his now unseeing eyes staying on the bloody, flesh bearing, red raw arm. It was at that moment that Sirius chose to enter the Dormitory.
'Prongs…' he spotted James starring at his bloodied wrist and stood in the doorway, frozen, as he watched a stream of ruby red blood drip from the numerous wounds and onto the floor. 'James…' James looked up and straight into Sirius' grey eyes. They stared at each other for moments, neither blinking, before James suddenly winced in pain, his face draining of all remaining colour and Sirius watched in horror as his best friend keeled over forward and, as if in slow motion, fell face forward onto the hardwood floor. Sirius rushed forward and turned him over onto his back. 'James!? Shit! James, what did you do!?! What the fuck did you do!?! Fuck James… Wake up!' his attempts to rouse James had already failed as the young man on the floor had already slipped into unconsciousness. All the James could see was the redness that had been etched into his memory.
The blood.
His blood.
Help! Help! Please, Somebody, help! Oh god…!
Mr. Black, what-?
Professor, James, he, he… oh Merlin… the blood!
Mr. Black, please calm down! Is that… blood on your shirt?
James… James' blood…!
Mr. Black! Where. Is. Mr. Potter?
Poppy! Poppy!... Now please!
What in the world Minerva…? Is that…?
Potter.
Gasp What happened? Who did it?
He did.
Why James sob why did you do it?
Miss Evans! Please restrain yourself, Mr. Potter will be fine!
I can't! it's my fault!... all…my…fault…sob
James felt his eyes flutter open and in his state of blindness, managed to make out that he was in a white room. And that it was most likely night. He reached out with his right hand and fumbled around in the dark until his hand met the wood of the nightstand and his long fingers brushed against the cool metal frames of his glasses. He went to pull them onto his face, but when he tried to lift his left hand a stabbing pain shot through it. Memories came flooding back into his mind and he slowly placed his glasses onto his face single-handedly. The first thing he did after that was look down at his arm. It was wrapped up securely in white bandages but thought them he could see the remains of dried blood.
I… I did this… I did… oh god!?!... how could I be so stu-
His train of thoughts stopped as he spotted something that was out of place on the meticulously clean, white hospital wing bed covers. Something red and shiny. At first James thought that the bandages had leaked, but the red was on the wrong side for that. He moved his right hand and gently prodded the stream of red, feeling the silkiness that it consisted of; so soft against the rough skin of his fingers. He continued to stroke it, getting lost in the feeling.
A movement, small and unobtrusive, but a movement none the less caught his eye. He drew back his one unscarred hand and waited in silence, watching as the red stream lifted, with it coming the head of its owner who had fallen asleep lying face first on the starch white sheets. James watched as two small and pale hands reached up and pushed masses of silky red hair behind two ears. It was then that james found his eyes meeting with those that seemed to glow with emerald light.
'Lily…' his voice came out scratchy and coarse, his throat sore from disuse. He watched as her eyes filled brightly with tears. A single pearly drop fell from one eye and began to create a trail down her pale face. James lifted his hand once more and brushed the tear off with one finger.
'James.' Lily's voice came out of her mouth in a kind of choked-up squeak. The two continued to stare into each others eyes for a few moments before Lily surprised James by literally throwing herself on top of him and squeezing his well built body to her own small frame as hard as she could. 'Never… Never do that… ag-… again!' she admonished him before pulling back and looking him dead in the face.
'I'm sor-sorry Lily.' James stuttered out.
'Don't be.' Her eyes flooding again. 'Don't be. I should be sorry! It's all my fault… I am so sorry James.' James shook his head and gave her a tiny, true smile.
'All forgiven. How could I stay mad at you ever?'
'Easy.'
'No. Not easy, Lily… I love you too much to be mad…' there was a pregnant pause after that statement.
'I… I… I L-l-love you too… James.' Lily whispered and James' smile grew in size as he studied her mascara stained face. They both moved in at the same time, their awkward movements causing their noses to bump. Lily giggled slightly and James' smile became even bigger and more radiant. Lily cupped his chin in small her hands before leaning in an kissing him softly but firmly upon his lips.
'Never again…' mumbled James against her lips, as he repeated her earlier statement.
'Never again.' She replied softly before settling her head against his strong, pajama clad chest. James moved his head slightly and kissed the crown of her head gently before wrapping his good arm around her. He fell asleep breathing in the sweet smell of her silken hair as she dreamed, the murmuring beat of his heart penetrating into her mind in its rest.
A.N. : okay, another dedication… for Renee (blueacidpop) one of my better bestest buddies… I TOLD YOU THAT I COULD WRITE ANGSTILY!!! WOOT!!! Lol… I wrote most of this for you in hospital with a swollen and numb lip, tongue and cheek… so you better apprieciate it. Or even more hair pulling!!! Lol…
Hugs and cookies
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