…fading in, fading out
on the edge of paradise
every inch of your skin
is a holy grail I've got to find…
;;
It takes her 53 days after their first date for her to tell him she loves him. It slips out because they're laughing and she freezes as soon as she says it, her cheeks warming, but he smiles and doesn't say anything. He's heard it before and she's young and doesn't know how much weight comes with that word.
But she will.
She's quiet through the rest of their movie, embarrassed and all flushed because she can't believe she actually said that. More importantly, she can't believe he actually said nothing. When he drives her home, her chin's in her palm as she stares out the window into their passing city. Aerosmith's on the radio because while Josh was taking a music appreciation class, he fell in love with classic rock. To be honest, all Maya knows is that the lead singer has a huge mouth and Shawn has all the albums on his phone. He glances over at her for about the eighth time as they reach a stop light, and he wants to tell her how her smile has made him crazy since the moment he picked her up from his brother's, but of course – he doesn't.
He's trying so hard not to smile at the way she's absentmindedly humming along to Steven Tyler's raspy ballad even though he knows she doesn't know any of the words. "Crazy, crazy, baby, I go crazy…" When he starts singing, a smile tugs at Maya's lips finally and she looks at him for the first time since they got in the car. His fingers become drumsticks as he taps out the beat on the steering wheel, oblivious to the fact that she's watching him until mid-chorus. She's laughing because his cheeks turned red just like hers and grabs his hand off the wheel to lace his fingers with her own. "We fit, you know." She reassures him, quiet and nervous.
His hand squeezes hers. "Yeah, I know."
.
Their first big fight happens because he didn't tell her Cassie Jensen was coming over to study for finals. It's really not that big of a deal since he's never said he was her boyfriend and has no obligation to tell her about other girls in his dorm, but it's kind of a slap to the face when she shows up and there's a pair of purple Vans on the floor by his bed that aren't hers.
He closes the door behind him when he sees the look on her face, silencing them in the empty hallway. When he reaches up to touch her naïve little cheek, she smacks his hand away with the anger he knows just has to be building up inside her. Now he doesn't know what to do with his hands so he just stuffs them into the pockets of his jeans and awkwardly glances around the carpet beneath their feet. They're silent for a second – but that never lasts long with Maya – and he's not surprised she's the first one to say something.
"I don't know why I trust you," Her voice is wavy and frail, but the bitterness in her eyes matches the sour expression on her face. "But I do."
"Maya, I—" he pauses, the muscles in his jaw tensing as a sigh leaves through his nose. "Look, it's nothing. She has an A in organic chemistry and if I don't get my grade up my GPA won't let me qualify for the internship." His eyes search hers for softness, but they're cloudy and cold just like how she feels. "You know how important that is to me." His face softens and there's the tiniest hint of weakness in the tone of his voice. It's not often, but she's the only person he lets see him like that.
Maya's throat tightens as she pushes away everything she wants to say, but can't. "She's in a sorority and I'm still in high school." is all she can make out from the jumbled mess that is her brain right now, looking everywhere but at him. His necklace hangs low from her neck, and the silver burns her skin the more she thinks about taking it off and handing it back to him. There's fire in her chest, something she's never felt before, and a shaky breath escapes her lips as she finally looks at him. "Maybe we're just in different places right now." It comes out a lot shakier than she had hoped, but the oceans in his eyes seem to fade despite his hard expression. He panics when she turns to leave, and in one quick movement he grabs her forearm before she can disappear.
"So that's it? You're just leaving." It's more of a statement than a question. He doesn't care.
"Wow, Maya," he scoffs when he releases his grip on her, arms falling to his sides in defeat. "You're right. Maybe you're just a little too immature for me."
That cuts her deep, and he knows that's a low shot. But it still feels good to say it, even if he doesn't mean it. There aren't many things you can say to Maya Hart that can break her unless you mention her childhood, the words 'daddy issues', or basically anything regarding the age difference between her and Joshua Matthews. She tucks a strand of long blond hair behind her ear with a shaky hand, fighting back the tears she absolutely refuses to let him see. "Immature. Really? Wow, Josh."
He clenches his jaw at the flat tone of her voice and all of a sudden he's left standing alone, startled by the fact that watching the back of a seventeen year old retreat down the hallway just broke his heart.
They make up a few days later when they're both at one of Riley's competitions to watch her cheer. Maya sneaks off to get a soda during one of the competing teams' routines and somehow ends up with her back pressed against the vending machine and Josh's tongue down her throat before a single word is said.
From then on, that's how they apologize to each other. And she loves it.
.
"What is that?"
It's barely noticeable and if weren't for the fact that they're changing for gym right now, there's no way Riley would have ever seen it. Maya pulls of her tank top and it's this (huge) inconspicuous hickey that she spent at least thirty minutes this morning trying to cover up with concealer – no big deal or anything – right above her collar bone. It's totally innocent and, trust her, there's been worse places. But Riley didn't need to know that either.
"Huh—" Feigning innocence, Maya pulls all her hair back into a ponytail and ties it with an elastic off her wrist as she turns her back to her best friend.
"Ah-ah," Riley's got her hands on her hips in that stereotypical cheerleader pose that's become a habit to her. Maya thinks it's adorable.
She wouldn't cave in, but like, they always find out everything about each other eventually. So she does. "What do you expect? Things get heated sometimes."
Riley mimics gagging, and Maya's laughing because this is the funniest thing that's happened all day.
"Sometimes I think you forget he's my uncle."
Maya pulls that stupid crimson and gold Eleanor Roosevelt High shirt over her head, but of course Riley's already dressed and ready. They were supposed to be on the track like five minutes ago, but whatever. This is more important. She tightens her pony and leans down to tie the laces of her Nikes, shrugging her shoulders with a sigh. She feels her heart rate quicken at the thought that crosses her mind. "I love him, Riles."
It slips out – déjà vu – but she doesn't expect the reaction she gets. Riley's expression falls and her brown little puppy dog eyes light up because she's never heard Maya say that about anyone.
There's a stupid grin on her face that makes Maya roll her eyes. "Don't look at me like that. It's not like we're getting married."
The brunette's face doesn't change even as they're walking to the track to join the rest of their classmates. She's just grinning at Maya who's adamantly not looking at her.
"It's not a big deal, Riley." Or so she says. (For like, the ninth time.) She snatches a bottled water out of a cooler as the two girls come to a stop.
"Well, does he know?"
Does he know what? That she loves the kid? I mean, she told him when she was sixteen that night in the car, but he never said anything so she hasn't mentioned it since. Honestly, she has lost count of how many times she's wanted to say it; Tucked up under him with his hand on her back and his nose in her hair, those moments where they're the only two people that exist in the entire world. She's come so close so many times, but she's not gonna say it if he's not. That's what she'd decided.
Riley waits for an answer that Maya can't seem to give her, evident as the blond breathes a restless sigh before jogging away from her.
Does he know?
.
He takes her virginity the night she shows up at the Matthews' door at midnight, soaking wet and shaking in a dress that leaves little to the imagination. He's crashing on their couch for the week while his dorm is being exterminated, and Maya pretends not to love it as much as she does. The smudged makeup on her cheeks makes it obvious she's been crying, and she finds some sort of comfort in the worry that paints his face. It's nice having someone care about her the way he does. It's quiet and everyone's sleeping, so he ushers her in and locks the door behind her. She kicks out of her shoes and loses a good two inches in height, but when she turns around to tell him what happened he's got his shirt off and ready to wrap around her shoulders.
Her eyes shamelessly rake over his chest, a nervous lump forming in her throat as he drapes the thin material of his band tee around her. He smirks to himself when he hears the small catch in her breath at his close proximity, her stomach twisting when the familiar scent of his aftershave drifts past her. It's a moment they know all too well, usually ending abruptly with Maya's nerves getting the best of her.
He knows she's a virgin and, okay, he hasn't been since he was sixteen. But it's not like they haven't come close, because it's them; Of course they have.
After Maya turned seventeen, she kept dropping hints to him until it led to one long and awkward conversation with Topanga about this 'friend' of his and how the whole age of consent thing works in New York. She's a lawyer so of course she saw it through it immediately, but whatever, he just really doesn't want to go to jail.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks lowly, taking a step toward her. She's short compared to him, so she has to lean her head all the way back to look at him. It could be a pathetic reminder of their age gap, or Maya's just tiny.
She likes the second one better.
"I really thought he'd show up." She bites out, but to her chagrin it comes out weaker than she'd anticipated.
A clap of thunder startles them and lightning peeks through the blinds, lighting up the whole room briefly as Josh realizes it's Tuesday. Maya's dad finally called her last week and 'scheduled' a dinner date with her at some fancy Chinese restaurant in Manhattan. He connects the dots in his mind and brings his hand to her cheek, wiping the sadness from beneath her eye with the pad of his thumb. It's soft and gentle, just what she needs right now, and her eyes can't decide between his eyes and his lips. He takes the hint and cups her face, connecting their lips with just enough force to stagger them backward slightly. Maya lets go of the fabric around her shoulders to wrap her arms around his neck, and it falls somewhere to the floor she's guessing. It's hard to focus on trivial things when he does that thing with his teeth and her lip and – ugh.
Their breaths become louder when he snakes his arm around her back and pulls her so close against him he practically lifts her off the ground. She's so small in his grasp, firmly pressed against him and the only thing preventing skin-to-skin contact is her dress. He's playing with the zipper between his thumb and forefinger, silently asking consent. She answers when she moves her mouth over his jaw and down his neck, pushing his head to the side with her nose. His eyes close in response as he drags the zipper down its track and her knees literally waver when he bunches the hem of her dress higher up her thigh.
"Everyone's upstairs," he breathes sharply, flattening his palm against her the smooth skin of her lower back. "We can't."
Maya drags her palms over his abs to feel them rise and fall to the beat of his heavy breathing, and he almost loses it as he watches one thick strap fall to her upper arm. "We can," she says firmly, and he would be impressed by her bravado if she weren't driving him crazy with her hands right now. "— and we will."
She bites her lip and he absolutely loses it, scooping her up easily in one quick motion by the back of her legs and it's all a blur until she's on her back and he's hovering over her on the couch with a fistful of her hair. He's biting and sucking at her neck and they haven't even done anything yet but she's about to go fucking nuts if she's not touched soon.
It absolutely breaks his heart when she whispers, "Be careful with me." And he can't tell if she means with what they're doing or with her heart because she's just so broken and it's just beautiful. She's complicated and messed up in all these different ways, and it's something he never sees in the girls he goes to school with. Maya's as mysterious and colorful as the paintings she creates, multi-dimensional and everything that's wonderful with the world. There are galaxies in her eyes, and Josh wishes she could see that like he does.
He's sweet and gentle with her the whole time, and he comes with his lips pressed to her forehead and his palm cupping her cheek.
The next morning she can't stop smiling at breakfast and Riley's got one eyebrow raised at her disheveled hair and guilty expression.
They know each other way too well.
.
She's high as a fucking kite when he picks her up from school one day. A couple of her teammates were getting baked after practice and Maya's like, really bad at that whole peer pressure thing.
Shawn's gonna kick her ass for smoking again.
That's the first thing Josh says to her when she slides into his truck and pops her gum because she's really sarcastic when she's high and she absolutely reeks of it. "So?" she says without glancing in his direction. It's not like she's scared of Shawn, he just knows what's best for her and never lets her forget it – like, ever. But he's the closest thing she has to a dad, so she deals with it. Not only because he's been on and off with her mother for as long as she's been on and off with the asshole sitting next to her, but because she's kind of exactly like him no matter how much she wants to deny it.
"Bite me." Maya snaps when Josh fails an attempt to snatch a cigarette pack out of her hand. She peels one out of the carton and stuffs it past her lips, feeling herself for the lighter she must have left at school. He turns out of the school's parking lot, rolling his eyes at her awful choices when she holds her palm up in front of him. You have got to be kidding me. She's so spoiled, he thinks as he digs in his back pocket for his own lighter and hands it to her.
She stares absently into the flame for a split second – but he notices, because he just notices every little detail about her – before taking a long drag of her cigarette and exhales the smoke out of her nose and into the wind. It's a sickening dull taste to her, but the rush it gives her calms her anxiety and comforts her in weird, twisted ways. She smoked a lot when she was sixteen, but stopped when she joined the volleyball team. The desire to absolutely destroy her lungs and shorten her lifespan still makes an appearance every once in a while, though. That's one thing she can always count on.
"What's the big deal?" she asks flatly, gesturing to a half empty pack of cigarettes sitting in his cup holder. "You smoke."
It's true, so he just shrugs one shoulder and merges onto the freeway. "I'm also a lot older than you."
"Bullshit." she laughs skeptically, eyeing him curiously before scooting over to the middle seat to sit sideways on her knees. He glances at her through his peripheral vision, and he can smell that familiar scent of her shampoo the second she leans in closer to him. Her glossy lips against his cheek, he raises a confused eyebrow but plays along because he's seen her like this enough times before to know how she gets – and what she wants.
"What are you doing?" he asks lowly, and she can feel his quickened heart race when she kisses the pulse point on his neck. It's a cute and gentle gesture that is so not like Maya until he feels her fingernails dig into the other side of his neck. Ah, there's his girl.
She takes another hit of her cigarette and ignores his question, instead sitting back to lean against his shoulder affectionately. Sometimes he thinks she gets so touchy because of the childhood she never talks about. But he could be wrong… he wouldn't know.
"Three months, man. Three months until this shit's over." She shakes her head because she honestly can't believe that she's gonna be the first girl in her family to graduate high school in decades. "Then maybe I can make you want me."
"I do want you."
Curly blonde tendrils fallen from her ponytail obstruct her view of him until she turns her head, but she tosses her cigarette out the window and pulls her knees to her chest so she can rest her feet on his dashboard. "Clearly not as much as your little sorority girls." She says it to herself more than to him, but he hears anyway because he's always listening and it's absolutely so ridiculous that he can't help the laugh that escapes him.
"Are you… you're serious right now?" he steals glances between her and the road as he takes their exit and heads toward her house. She's analyzing her nails for no particular reason other than to look like a total bitch, and he sighs at her silence. She's freaking out over nothing, as usual, but jealousy is one of the pieces of Maya's sloppily put together puzzle, so he's kind of used to it. She's usually not this blunt about it, but considering her current state of mind, he figures it's amusing to her so he bites anyway. "What can I say, there's just something about girls with Greek letters tattooed on their tits from spring break that just drives me crazy."
Sarcasm drips from his voice and Maya glares at him, but smiles at the smirk playing on his lips. He knows her so well. When he pulls into her driveway and kills the engine, she wastes no time swinging her legs over his lap and situating herself between his abdomen and the steering wheel. His palms instinctively go to her waist, hooded eyes staring up into her hazy red ones. Even when he's staring into her soul, he still has trouble reading her.
But he's the only one she lets try.
Her mouth goes to his neck and she bites to leave her mark behind, admiring the little pink contusions as she trails open mouthed kisses up to his ear. His breath turns shallow and he slides his hand up her back, fisting the silky fabric of her shirt in his palm. "Maya—"
"Tinted windows." She interrupts firmly, and the sound he makes when she presses her hips against him sends warmth to the pit of her stomach.
He grinds his teeth and gathers every ounce of self-control he can muster to ignore her advances, even when she's digging her nails into his forearms and flattening her tongue against his skin. But when she grabs one of his hands, unfolds his fingers and sets it over her breast he fucking loses it — just like she knew he would – and sinks his hand into her hair, roughly tugging her face up to meet her lips. He holds her bottom lip between his teeth and breathes out sharply, connecting their eyes before pushing her onto her back. Any other moment, she'd be embarrassed by the triumphant giggle that comes out when she lands on the worn leather, staring up at him dreamily as he straddles her and takes off his jacket. When he leans over her, she watches her hands explore his toned arms until they stop at his biceps and she catches his gaze. She's never had anyone look at her the way he does. Not once.
"What?" she asks shyly and there's an anxious crack in her voice that she quickly covers up by looking away. He bumps her nose with his and can't stop staring at her hair splayed out on the black leather beneath her head. She's absolutely beautiful.
"I love you, gorgeous." He tells her, and it's the most honest thing she's ever heard him say. The words come out shaky, almost like they're foreign to him, but she wraps a hand around the back of his neck and pulls his face closer to hers until their lips are barely touching. His breath is hot against her parted mouth, his touch lighting up her skin as he inches her shirt higher up her stomach. She doesn't bother saying it back, because she's said it before and he should just know – and the way he kisses her forehead when he's got his hand between her legs tells her he does.
She's really glad her mom's not home when she strolls into the living room out of breath and sweaty with wild hair going everywhere as she pulls her shirt back over her bra. Normally Shawn would be around, but he's MIA too and she has no idea why. She tosses her backpack at a nearby chair and steals an apple off the counter, crunching into it just as her phone lights up with three missed calls.
Oops.
Riley's frantic as hell when she answers on the second ring, and Maya's got a mouthful as she says, "Sorry. I was banging your uncle." And she automatically knows something's up when Riley doesn't act grossed out or offended like she usually does and instead just tells her she needs to come over as soon as possible.
So she does because she's a pretty fucking awesome best friend.
She's at the Matthews' within like, twenty minutes and she storms through the front door like she runs the place. Which, let's be honest…
Riley's parents and Shawn are standing above a very guilty looking Lucas and Riley, who are sitting on the couch with their hands in their laps. Topanga's shouting something at them about irresponsibility when Maya's gaze is directed to her boyfr— Josh coming downstairs with Auggie on his back. His hair is just as much of a train wreck as hers, but of course that's their little secret. He winks at her when he sees her and her knees nearly give out. He's playing, but she could totally take him again in the bathroom or something right now if she really wanted to.
"What about school, Riley? You got into Yale." Cory points out, and evidently he's the only calm one of the three. Maya just wants to know what's going on.
"I can still go, dad—"
"How!?" It's an earsplitting shout. Topanga's small but she's fierce. "You're just gonna go to class between Lamaze classes?"
Maya's eyes widen like a deer in headlights and her head snaps from Lucas to Riley. "You… You two idiots are having a baby? No shit!" she scoffs with a grin, moving her hands to her waist in disbelief. That's the best thing she's heard all day.
"Maya." Josh and Shawn say sternly at the same time, and the latter jolts his head around to give the youngest Matthews brother the scariest warning look he's ever seen.
Riley stands to her feet and Maya can see the wet trails drying on her cheeks. Now she feels guilty. "Mom, Dad, I know this wasn't… planned. But I'm graduating in a few months and—"
Lucas rises to join her, lacing their fingers at his sides as he visibly swallows what Maya can only assume is the biggest lump he's ever had in his throat. "And I love your daughter. We'll get married and… we'll do this together." He finishes for her, and Maya's instantly jealous of the smile on Riley's face.
She's so lucky.
"That's your plan?" Shawn chimes in, arms crossed skeptically as he stares at the pair coldly with his tongue in his cheek. "You're just gonna get married and play house for eighteen years?" He approaches Lucas with gritted teeth, a scary enough display that Cory pushes against his chest to hold him back.
There are a few more exchanges of whose balls are bigger before something is said about Shawn's dad and suddenly Lucas is on the floor while Shawn's shaking his throbbing hand. Riley gasps and leans down to check on her boyfriend while Cory ushers a steaming Shawn out of the room. Maya looks over at Josh who's trying so hard not to laugh, and she rolls her eyes as she joins Riley on the floor. "C'mon, Rodeo, get up."
Lucas spits blood into his palm and rises to his feet, red in the face and seething with anger. Riley's got his bruising face in both her hands and Maya's eyes fall to her stomach. How can a baby be growing just underneath that cheerleading uniform? More importantly, how come she's finding out after everyone else?
"We'll talk more about this later." Topanga mumbles softly, refusing to look at her daughter as she slings Auggie on her hip and rushes upstairs heatedly.
"You good, dude?" Strong arms wrap around Maya's waist from behind and she can tell by his grip and the difference in his voice that Josh is holding in his own anger. I mean, the guy may be bleeding all over the carpet, but he still knocked up his niece.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm good." Lucas grunts as he cracks his jaw back into place. Yikes.
"That went just as bad as I thought it would." Defeat is written all over Riley's face as she plops back down on the couch and rests her chin in her hands. This girl that still puts Lisa Frank stickers on all her school supplies is going to be a mom.
Burying her red and ashamed face in her hands, Riley's sniffling into her palms and Maya and Josh raise their eyebrows in synch. Lucas sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "She's… she just— she does that a lot lately."
"I don't even know why I'm crying!" She sobs, muffled into her hands. When she raises her head to look at her boyfriend, her hair's stuck to her puffy face as she cries, "If you can't handle that after five years, then I don't know why you're having a baby with me in the first place."
Josh toys with the hem of Maya's shirt while she's trying to watch her best friend have a mental breakdown, so she smacks his hand away each time. But of course he doesn't care, so he keeps trying anyway.
Because it's them.
She's too preoccupied with biting her lip at the calloused palm that's sliding across her belly button ring to notice Riley freak out about something else Lucas says (because apparently that's gonna be a thing now) and storm upstairs presumably to her room, pleated skirt and all. He follows hesitantly because it's Lucas and he'd follow Riley to the ends of the Earth, Maya's always known that.
She just wonders if she'll ever have that.
After a little pleading and one seriously irresistible pouty lip, Josh agrees to walk Maya home – in the rain. She's laughing as her combat boots smack into every puddle on the sidewalk with a loud splash and he's following close behind her because this isn't the safest part of the city. Her once bouncy hair now fell in wet strings framing her face as she circled a pole on one leg to face him again. He has the hood of his jacket pulled over his beanie and his hands stuffed in his pockets when she strolls over to him, a mischievous look on her face that is just so Maya he has to laugh. "What's that face for?"
She wrinkles her nose up as she reaches for his hood and tugs it down to his shoulders. "Why won't you actually feel it?"
There are two things Maya could have meant by that, but he assumes she means the rain so he just kind of shrugs and shakes his dampening hair away from his eyes, "Maybe because I don't want to get pneumonia."
The tiny blond rolls her eyes and tugs him backwards by the leather of his jacket until he's close enough for her to wrap her arms around his neck. Naturally, he leans down to rest his forehead against hers, locking eyes with her as rain cascades around them and the continuous honking of the busy street beside them slowly subsides.
They're the physical embodiment of a bittersweet love song, frozen in time, and that's exactly what she tells herself when she gets home and sketches a couple standing beneath an umbrella in the middle of the road.
Maybe in another life.
.
So he misses graduation, but it's whatever.
He got that stupid internship so he's been in California for a while now, but Maya's not counting. Whatever, she'll get over it. They text every day and he calls when he can, but it's not the same and they both know it.
After countless nights spent studying and extra credit essays, Maya's handed her diploma and it's the second time she's smiled like this in her whole life. The first time she was looking at Josh. It stings a little bit when she walks off stage staring at his empty seat.
She's not gonna tell him that, though.
He calls her later at the graduation party the Matthews are hosting and she excitedly runs away from Riley (who's putting peanut butter on a hot dog) to a less crowded area outside. "Hello?" she says as calmly as she can, holding her phone to her ear as she shoos some classmates away. They roll their eyes because it's Maya and they're used to it after four years, but they'd be lying if they said they weren't gonna miss it.
"Hey, gorgeous." His voice sounds kind of tired and there are a lot of people talking in the background, but she'll deal with it because this is the first time she's heard him all week. "Congratulations."
"Thanks," she flushes, crossing her free arm and staring off over the Matthews' balcony. "I miss you." She swore she wasn't going to say it first, but she does and she's not sorry because she's not lying. He has to know that.
There's a pause, and then a shaky breath on his end. "I know."
She's quiet.
"I'll be back soon." He tells her, and she just kind of slumps her shoulders because she heard that like, a month and a half ago.
"Riley's getting big," she changes the subject the second she feels her throat start to tighten, "They're supposed to find out what she's having soon, but Riley wants to be surprised and Lucas doesn't. The idiots have been arguing about it for days."
He laughs and her stomach flips because she fucking misses his laugh. Especially early in the mornings when it's all raspy and hot from sleep. She plays with the necklace around her neck because it's his and it's the closest thing she has to touching him right now.
"It's gonna be a boy." He's confident like he already knows, but she rolls her eyes because she swears it's not and he's not always right.
"She's gonna have a girl, shut up."
"Someone's feisty tonight."
"You wish."
"Yeah actually."
She wrinkles her nose as she laughs and she can't stop talking about him the rest of the night. It's a nice feeling for him to be the reason for the smile on her face again, but later that night when she's wrapped up in a blanket on the Matthews' couch with tears brimming her eyes, she's never hated him more.
She hates that he makes her feel.
.
It's been 53 days since the last time she saw him. He came to New York for a day when Auggie's dog died and the Matthews decided to have a funeral because, well they're the Matthews. Maya showed up because she loves Auggie and it's not like she has a shortage of black dresses, but it was totally a surprise to find him there.
He didn't say much – or really even look at her – during the service, but after when they were alone in Riley's room, he had his hands on her face and his eyes on hers when he told her she's all he thinks about.
53 days later, she wonders if that's still true. She can still feel the ghost of his lips on her skin and it disgusts her how much she misses him. She just misses stupid things like his horrible driving, listening to him play the drums even though she's trying to sleep, his gross sloppy kisses when he's been drinking.
It all hits her one night in her room when Shawn catches her crying.
If there's one thing Maya absolutely refuses to do, it's let anyone see her cry.
But she's sitting with her knees to her chest on the floor next to her bed with her hair up and fallen pieces sticking to her red face. She hadn't even heard him come in, but suddenly the bed dips beside her and there's a concerned hand on her shoulder.
"What's this about?"
She wants to laugh so she does, but it's weak and broken and she sniffles before replying, "What do you think?"
Shawn breathes a quiet, knowing sigh as he sinks from the bed to the floor beside her. "Oh, kiddo—" he takes her head and brings it to his shoulder and she lets out a sob as she sloppily wipes at her face with her sleeve. "Love bites when you're young, doesn't it?"
She just nods and he shakes his head. "Well, I wish I could tell you it gets easier."
"He forgot about me." Her voice is shaky and haunted by something Shawn can't see. No one can except Maya.
"I have known that kid his entire life, Maya," he says quietly, brushing the hair from her face so he can see her eyes. They're sad and missing something. He recognizes it well. "I watched him grow up. He was sheltered and afraid of change at first, a lot like Cory, but he had a wild and thrill seeking side like Eric. It just took something to bring it out."
She lifts her head from his shoulder and furrows her brows, "Like what?"
"You."
.
Maya's closing down the music store when she finally sees him. It's been over four months since she's seen his face in person, and she wouldn't have noticed him if it hadn't been for the little bell on the door alerting her of his entry. He freezes at the chime as she looks his way, stuffing his hands in his pockets nervously as she gives her back to him and continues restocking a greatest hits shelf.
"Aerosmith, huh?" he chimes in when he sees what's in her hand. A soft chuckle escapes him at the memory of the first time she said I love you, young and foolish in his car. She's way too good for him.
"If you came here to talk about music, we open tomorrow at nine."
There's venom and ice in her tone, but he shakes it off because he's used to it and just steps closer to her. "Maya—"
His hand suddenly on the small of her back is enough for her to jump away, fiery eyes staring up at him with a warning he knows all too well. "Don't!"
His tongue in his cheek, he runs a hand through his hair and thoughts flood his mind of what he should say. Should he even bother explaining himself? It's snowing outside, yet somehow it's colder where they're standing. Maya purses her lips in defiance and a familiar shiver runs down her spine when he comes up behind her. "I had to figure some things out for myself."
"Oh, you had to figure things out for yourself." she echoes, amused, moving to the next isle. He stays put, but moves to where they can see each other over the short kiosk between them. "Why aren't you still figuring things out? Why come back?"
He pauses, and there's a short frustrated sigh before he says, "Because you're here."
She freezes, eyes on Justin Timberlake's face on the album in her hand. She swallows the lump in her throat and stacks the rest of the copies behind it before she clears her throat and walks around the kiosk to his side. He's silent, watching her as she closes the distance between them. With a shaky hand, she reaches up and touches his silky hair, watching the tendrils move between her fingers. Flashbacks of sweaty nights gripping his hair and clawing at his skin filled her conscious, and she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth as her hand falls back to her side and her eyes meet his. "You had four months, Josh."
"Maya, I—"
"Four months!" she interjects, louder and more deliberate. He's stunned, and he can hear the anger seething from her tone. "I didn't ask for much. I just wanted you." Her voice breaks at the last piece of her statement, and she breathes a sob as her eyes chase his.
"Maya, you don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh is that right?"
"Can you just—"
"Why can't I just quit you, huh? Why have you been the object of my affection since I was thirteen?" She takes a step back, shaking her head as the last decade of her life flashes in her mind like one of those old film reels.
"I never meant to hurt you."
He barely gets it out before Maya's tiny palm collides with his cheek, a loud smack echoing throughout the empty room.
Stunned, he reaches up to rub the soreness from his reddening jaw before looking back at her. There's a certainty about her expression that shows she's not sorry, but he can see the worry behind her eyes about his reaction. He licks over his lips and just kind of grabs her wrist firmly, pulling her closer to him. He catches the little breath she intakes sharply, cocking his head to the side as his eyes alternate between her nervous eyes and her shaky lips.
And so he kisses her.
Because it's them.
.
…to be continued.
maybe.