"Because I'm not ready for you to not be here."
His eyes widened just the tiniest bit and just for a second but she knew him too well. And that brief look told her the words he had been keeping from her. And she was damn glad about it too.
Spike had been a lot of things over the years but silent had never been one of them. And even though she would deny it to her third death, it was one of those strangely comforting things about him. His words might hurt (more than she liked to admit), strip down all her carefully build barriers (almost as if they were on his side, not the most loyal bunch, her walls) and see through all her perfected fake smiles (she knew they were perfect and so did her mirror so maybe it was a vampire thing… probably it was a Spike thing) but she could count on them to speak the truth. Until he came back, soul included.
He wasn't dishonest, he just kept the words carefully locked away. She knew he had a right to, for his own good. Hell, he was probably doing it for her own good but at times she just wanted to sneak in while his guard was down, break the lock and let all the truths he was sparing both of them pour out. Because with him like this, keeping himself from her, she felt like she only had half the picture of them. And she wanted the whole damn thing!
So she started hunting for signs. Something she had never done around Spike before (though she was sure he had constantly done it around her). And now she saw he doubted her. He was shocked by the fact that she needed him. She was pretty sure his brain didn't even dare to take the words for what they were. She had taught them both how to twist the truth around when it didn't suit them. Trouble was, she knew he would like the truth this time, if he could only see it. Which he apparently couldn't. Figures. Stupid vampire never made anything easy for her. Inconvenient, thy name is Spike.
Well, she would just have to spell it out nice and slow.
"I need you here." Buffy looked him in the eyes. "I need you to stay. More importantly, I want you to stay. I-"
Her eyes widened and quickly shifted to her hands. She had almost... Only it wasn't right. She couldn't just spill out something like that and expect him to expect nothing. Not that she didn't want something. She did. She wanted a lot but now wasn't the time for any of it. There would be time. She hoped. A time when she would be ready to finish that sentence.
She looked back up. For now they needed to be warriors, heroes. She let a small smile grace her lips. At least that she knew they could do that.