By: Chrys
Note: This story is about Houki's view on her and Hoto-sama's love. and I'll make things all mushy and stuff.. BWAHAHAHA! This story is my first angst fic... Wagh... *prepares a batch of Kleenex*
Gazing into those so hazel eyes that I have come to know so much, yet the same eyes that had rejected me. It had been quite a while now. I had been the emperor's wife. He had chosen me. But.. I can't help feeling that something had been missing.. the love that had once been in his eyes, now drained and had gone into a dark place. I couldn't bring up myself to ask him. I knew that I had to be grateful. I sat down on my bed as I took out my diary that I had brought with me. I was sick. I knew. I knew that if I didn't get well soon, I would follow him afterwards. I inhaled a deep breath as I opened it. Reading it, a few memories came back to my mind.
I wanted to remember, even if it hurts. I still want to. It had been a few years ago.. I had once hesitated to be brought to the palace. It was my parents' wishes, that I would be wed to an emperor. At first, I grew cold and terrified since I had always heard about stories about the Chinese Emperors having more than a hundred wives. It made me want to stay home even more! But nevertheless my parents brought me to where I am now...
As I first laid eyes upon him, I instantly fell in love. Love that felt not because he was the powerful emperor of Konan, not because he was beautiful, not that the fact that he was caring and kind... It was the way he was. I was but a young age of 16. He was 18. It was a perfect age. I could have never been happier. We were to be wed the next day. That night I visited him in his room. But I heard him mumbling about something unintelligible. He was tossing and turning in his bed and he was covered in a thin sheet of perspiration. He must have been having a horrible dream, his hands clenched and unclenched as if holding a weapon in his hands and his face contorted with pain.
It hurt me so to see him in the condition. Against the guards' protests to come inside, I rushed by my future-husbands' side and laid his head on my lap as I tried to comfort him. He finally shouted in his sleep and I held him through it. He yelled, "MIAKA!!!!" then, sank back to the bed. Miaka... who was she... I couldn't help but wonder, but I was also in a state of pain and shock. Then, his lips formed words as he slowly whispered, "Aishiteru... onegai.. don't leave me, Miaka....." the words struck me like an arrow. I almost dropped him, but I held on fast. I felt my arms convulsing, my heart throbbing in pain, my grief surrounding me, and my tears started to flow.
I wiped them abruptly. Then, he began to stir. I instantly covered him in his bed-sheets and ran as fast as I could out of the door, my ribbon got tangled with a hook that was hanging on the wall, I tried to break free of it. It held on fast. Finally, I heard him try to get up I couldn't help myself. I rushed right out without trying to untangle the mess of hair. I closed the door behind me leaving behind my other ribbon. I rushed towards the Garden. "Miaka.... she must be that Maiden of Suzaku....." I bit my lip, feeling almost sorry that I had fallen in love with him in the first place. Why must he torture himself... why did he not pick her and save me from heart-break....
Why..? I sat by there for what seemed like eternity staring at the lake. I wanted to go home. There was no point of me staying here. His words echoed in my mind, "Aishiteru, onegai... don't leave me, Miaka..." Every word, every hint of pain, evident in his voice only added to my grief. "Miaka.... why...? Why did Hotohori-sama pick me if he loves another.." I said through tears, talking to my own reflection on the pond. "Why....?" I asked myself again. I removed the remaining ribbon that held my purple hair, and left them down. A realization struck me. "I'm just... a replacement... just something.... just something... a thing... to be used to find an heir to the throne..." I cocked my head to the side sadly, and threw a small pebble in the river, watching it as it whizzed by some rocks, then, finally sank.
I thought this was different, I thought that he would be different. I thought that he would have loved me as me, and same as I. But Houki, please wake up, I would have told myself. This is reality... nothing is always perfect. I want to go home. Away from this place, away from him, away from all this pain, this hurting that I had experienced so many times before. I fell asleep for a while against the cool grass, that helped comfort me, some tears finally slipped down my cheek and landed on the soft cool mat of greens. I gave in to my drowsiness, my desire to sleep, my desire to never wake up again... not in the real world... where everything always had to hurt... Deep inside, to me, it's even a worse gash than that of a sword. My mess of hair gently playing against the wind. Even in my sub-conscious, he was still there. His smile, his love, but all of it was just an illusion. Just an illusion. He would never love me for me, he would love me as a second. For the one he wants is not me.... not me...
He would never love me as much as he would have loved, for his love was already given to another... the thought bothered me so much. Tomorrow was the wedding. I didn't know if I really wanted to push through with it. I wanted to forget about it all. Go back to being an ordinary village girl. Go back to where my life should have been.... I slipped into my drowsiness and slept soundly. I pretended that he was with me, beside me forever, that he was always there... but it is only a dream. Fantasies only happen in the mind, the real world is a cruel place. One does not expect the other to love back. His scent surrounding me, his arms around me, me and me alone... but I know that in reality, I will be alone once again... Still, I wanted that dream to last... I wanted to stay there.... I didn't want to go...
Something had bothered me. I felt like I was floating. Like as if I was high on the clouds, yet I was still on the grass bed, or was I? I woke up and saw him carrying me. I weakly opened my eyes, it was difficult to look at him, for I know, that if I looked into his eyes, I would be lost... again, as so many times before. I shifted myself as to tell him that I was awake. He let me sit on his bed and looked directly towards me. I didn't know how I looked, all I knew was that my eyes were still a little red and swollen from all the tears I shed a little while ago. "Daijoubu, Houki-san," he said in a flat tone, as if not caring at all, but was forced to ask. Hiding behind my barrier that served as a purpose to cover the hurting, I looked at him. "Aa... just couldn't sleep," I lied and hoped that he would have believed me. I don't know what his reaction would be if I had been in his room.
"I see... where have you been then, just in the garden?" he gazed directly at me, but I couldn't look him in the eye. Not anymore... "Aa..." I lied to him again. There was no way I could ever open myself to this, but my voice shook as I spoke which gave way that I had been crying and his eyes knew I was. "Did you come in here...?" he asked another question as if grilling me. "I.. did..." by now I knew that if I lied to him, that would prove that I was unfaithful. I was afraid, afraid of being rejected, afraid of being thrown and used, afraid of... him... He just looked at me, and said in a stern and distant voice, "Didn't I tell you that you are not allowed in my room unless I call for you..."
"Sumimasen... Heika-sama.." I returned his gaze evenly. I knew I was angry and this time I didn't want to hide it from him. I can't keep running away from it. "Sou dezu ne... I have other pressing things to do, do not disturb me ever again," he finally said as he dismissed me. "Hai... Heika-sama..." I bowed humbly before him. He wasn't this cold to me, never before. His words like jagged edges of icicles as they pierced their way through both mind and heart. As soon as I stepped out of my room, my courage failing me, legs started to pick up pace and before I knew it, I ran. My heart couldn't take it anymore. I ran back to my room as fast as my legs could carry me. I didn't care if he was following me for I knew he didn't, I didn't care.. I reached for my room and shut the door. No one, not even a sound. Everything was quiet, everything was dark, everything was... gone. As if drained from the very earth, my whole life taken away cruelly before a man. I felt my lip tremble as I stopped against the wall.
No longer taking the pain, I wept. Tears that no longer help themselves, the hurting that had been slowly building up had finally exploded in me. My knees could no longer support me as I sank to the floor and cried bitterly. Cried that I had no life to live for, cried that I was alone, cried that I had to be alone again. "Do not disturb me ever again! Didn't I tell you that you are not allowed in my room unless I call for you...!" his hurtful and cold words were the ones that inflicted the most damage. I couldn't hold back. I couldn't stand. I couldn't do anything. All I could do was cry, was to shed tears... How could someone be so cruel.. so cold.
I heard a knocking at the door. Once, twice. I heard his voice outside, commanding me to come out. But I couldn't, not facing him ever again, I didn't care if I were to die now. I huddled myself into a corner. But I was able to bolt the door shut before I came in. Until his voice subsided. My cries subsided along with it. My hair now in a tangled mess, my body- exhausted, my heart- hurt, my feelings- bruised... Then, I heard him again, this time with a more forceful tone, "If you won't open the door, then, I'll open it myself!" He sliced my door down and pushed it open with no apparent effort. I expected his eyes to be in blazing anger, expecting him to kill me in an instant.
"Houki...." the anger in his voice evident. I found courage and stood up to face him. "You heard what I was talking about..." his eyes narrowed at every word. "Yes, I did. And you don't have to worry, Heika-sama... I won't hesitate to be back where I belong," I said in the bravest voice I could muster. ".........." he stopped a while. Probably wondering what he would do or say to tear my heart apart. "You don't love me... you love that Suzaku no miko... why are you marrying me when you should wed her, it is not me who deserves such honor..."I said as I could no longer face him, I faced the window that showed me the outside world, I touched the smooth, cold glass, which was considered to me, warmer than of that his words.
"... It's none of your business why I have to marry you, Houki... I wanted to marry you because I thought you would be a perfect empress, that I thought..." I didn't want him to finish his sentence. "Perfect..!? Is that all you ever think about!? The perfect empress? Then, why not the Maiden of Suzaku...!?" "Because... she loves another," he finally managed to say in front of me. I stopped myself as he finally came out of the darkness and held my shoulders and looked at me. "I can't force someone to love me, I learned that from her. But... I wanted someone, someone I could be with, someone who would take away my pain, my loneliness... my emptiness.... " he held me tight, I could feel his breath on my neck.
"Hotohori..." I held him and tried to comfort him. "I'm not just an emperor...I am a human, too. I deserve to be with someone," he said to me. "I knew you might be the one to take my pain away, my feeling of emptiness, solitude.... that's why I chose you..." he said, his face telling me that it was no lie and that what he was saying is exactly how he feels. I didn't know how to react at that moment. A part of me wanted to break away, and just let him forget about our engagement, but part of me wanted to hold him. Pity perhaps. I felt sorry for him as well. We are two different people, but we feel the same. I reach out to him, he reaches to another. He reaches to her, but she reaches towards another.
I stopped reading and placed the book down on the table next to me. I wiped a few tears from those past memories. knew that I too, wanted to take away his pain, his life that was concealed in this very room ever since childhood. He was lonely and I as well. I had hoped that I could mend both our hearts. And I hoped that he would ever love me. But that was a lie. All a lie. I had hoped that he would love me.... I would have to laugh at myself trying to convince myself that he loves me. But no, Houki, it isn't true at all. He never loved me, as much as that Suzaku no miko. Never... What was in her that was missing in me? What was it that had the emperor picked her over me. I took out the diary and tried to find the entry when I first met her. I found it. Anger and jealousy had been my first feelings towards her, but somehow, that changed...
"N-NURIKO!!!!" two men, one with flame hair and another scruffy-looking one, had intruded in my room and had shouted the minute they saw me. My servant girls shooed them off. It had been quite a while since the emperor and I had been wed. I was told that the Maiden of Suzaku had come back from her long journey. I was looking forward to seeing her. Actually, I wanted to know how she looks like, to know what she had that I didn't... My servant girls bolted the door after chasing those two out of the room. I couldn't help but feel amused. "So.. those were the friends of Hotohori-sama..." I was being dressed in one of my finest silk garments and robe. As soon as they finished, I walked towards the throne room where all of them had gathered. I looked around for the Suzaku no miko. My gaze passed by a little boy, a blue-haired monk, a tall man with a cat, the flame haired one who had intruded a while ago, the scruffy-looking one who looked guilty, and then, Hotohori. The only girl, wearing unfamiliar clothing, she must be the Suzaku no miko.
I was about to introduce myself to her, but she looked sad. As if she had lost something dear, not until she looked up to me. Her eyes grew wide and her mouth gaped open. Then, she started to smile, she rushed to me and pulled me in a hug. "NURIKO-SAN! You're back!!!!" she squeezed me, then, let go. "Huh!? She has--!?" she was referring to.... I flushed, a little embarrassed, then Hotohori pulled her away from me. "This is my wife, Houki.." he finally said. "W-wife... b-but.. Nuriko-...she has--!?" she pointed at me. At first I thought it was kind of rude, but I had to forgive her. I had to admit, she was perky, she was rather beautiful, and, I knew she had one more thing too.. Hotohori's heart.
Few days came to pass, word has it that I was pregnant. My stomach was bulging and I knew I had to give birth soon. I was on his bedside as they announced that the Seiryuu army was coming. I wanted to protest as Hotohori put his armor on. I held his arm, pleading him to stay. "How can you ask me to stay when I have my own responsibility as an emperor to protect our people and our country!" he told me. "I'm having a baby and then, you leave me, what if you don't return!?" I said desperately holding on to him as to make him stay. At first he looked relucant and began to settle down and listen to reason, but one of his high generals said, "But sir! We need you in this one! Our country is at stake!" "I'm sorry, Houki but I must go for the sake of the people," Hotohori said as he let go of my hand and went towards the doorway. I grabbed his arm again. "No! You can't go! I won't let you!" tears began to stream down my face as I cried in desperation.
"I have to! Let go of me! You're JUST my wife!!!" he pushed me with his free hand and I fell onto the bed. But that was not what concerned me, it was when he had pushed me! I was speechless at that hurtful gesture. At first his eyes were serious but they soon softened and looked as concerned as they were the minute I fell. He tried pulling me back up, but I refused to reach out to him. Before we spoke any words, a battle cry was heard outside. The generals started storming out of the palace. Hotohori bit his lip as if trying to find the shortest words to say before departing...
"Houki.. no matter what happens, take care of yourself," then he rushed off to battle. I thought bluntly to myself, 'Take care of yourself...' what was he talking about... He wouldn't even support me with words that he would promise to return. Come to think of it, he hasn't even said that he had loved me. JUST.. his wife!? He makes it sound like I'm something worthless and of less value! I choked back some tears, but I knew I must have sounded selfish, I should be thankful that I am his wife in the first place and that he trusts me to take away what he hated the most... and that I shouldn't stop him because I just know he'll be back...
I felt intense pain and shrieked. My servant girls came towards me. I knew it was time. Very soon, after long hours of labor, a baby boy was born. I was never so happy in all my life. I held on to the healthy new-born who began crying as soon as he got out. "You are just like your father.... I will name you...... Boushin...." I hugged him close. They wrapped him in fine linen and laid him on my bed-side so he would rest, so I would rest.... A few hours later, the baby was fast asleep after I had fed him. I had waited for Hotohori to return. I was so proud that I had given birth to a boy.. for him. I had hoped that he would love me then... but I waited for what seemed eternity.
After long hours of waiting, the door finally opened opened. I had hoped that it was him, but to my dismay it was only a soldier. He looked out of breath and tired and I began to grow worried. He knelt before me and said in a grave tone, "H-houki-sama..." My heart beating fast, hoping that Hotohori was truly all right. "It's the heika..... he's....." he couldn't continue what he was about to say. I knew what the message was. I knew that he was gone. He didn't even return when my child was born. The guard probably sensed that I needed time alone, left the room in a proper manner and shut the door.
"I had begged him to stay and stay, but he never listened to me... Why...!? Why did he leave me... he left knowing that I had a child.. If he stayed with me, through my pains and labor, he would have still been here... WHY!??!" me and the servants of the house began mourning a few days after. I stayed confined in my quarters refusing to see anyone but my son. Tears brimmed by eyes, as I knew he died a tragic death. All of Konan was in mourning. I was at my worst. I wanted him to come back, I wanted him to see his baby, to come back to me..... I wanted this to be only a dream and that I would wake up knowing that he wasn't at the war after all... I felt numb all over. I looked into the coffin that confined my husband. Depression surrounding me, I couldn't say anything. I refused to speak. Why was his life to be taken.. why not mine when I know that he still deserves to live...
This isn't real.. this isn't real. I tried to convince myself that, but I knew better than to fool myself. My knees gave way as I placed by arms on the coffin, as if trying to hug him inside. To tell him how I feel, to tell him that I wanted him back...
I was at this bed, the whole day, Boushin was already three, yet.. he could not speak either. I wasn't happy. The emptiness, the failure to exchange words. The council had thought that I was ill. Yes, I was sick, sick of this world I live in, sick that it was practically meaningless, that all I had gone through was suffering and then in the end I end up suffering even more. But I kept it to myself. They had often wanted me to be well, but I refused to get well. Only my child, my subtle reminder of my dear husband would cheer me up. But only to the extent that he would remind me not only of those days when we were together, but also the days when our hearts were apart, and are still apart. I knew he never loved me, and never returned what I had offered to share...
I sank by the covers, crying to myself during the evening, refusing to eat or drink anything until I had felt like it. I knew I was growing thin and weary... My tears had finally stopped flowing one day, but so did my voice failed to speak... and very soon... I might... die. Then let it happen, let the inevitable come and swallow me up. I heard the door creak, and I shoved my diary under the bed and fell back. It was only Boushin. I managed a weak smile when I saw him. I picked him up and laid him on my bed. He was cuddling a teddy-bear. The same teddy-bear that I had seen in his room. I looked at Boushin and he did the same to me. Neither of us spoke, but it was like we were exchanging thoughts. He looked as if he understood me. But I knew that a mere child of three would never understand. He never spoke, never said a word since birth. Ever since he was born, endless nights of emptiness and solitude, being surrounded by four corners, was my fate.
I felt my strength leaving me. I wanted to live for my child, but my depression wouldn't let me. I glanced at him and saw that he was fast asleep. "Boushin... I don't know what will happen if I will very soon leave you," I whispered to him, he frowned in his sleep, but I kissed him on his forehead and slept next to him. "Houki..... Houki," a familiar voice called out to me. I got up instantly looking around to see if he was here. No answer. Houki no baka.. it was only a dream, dreams never come true.... I sighed regretfully. I felt something that was on my hand. It was my other ribbon! I had remembered that I never got it back from him during the night I confronted him.... I kept it close to my heart...
I knew that even if he never loved me, I loved him as always and will continue to until that fateful day comes that I will soon depart from the land, from the place which I hated the most, from reality... I knew I had to hang on, but my body refused to do my bidding. So I lie here right now.. until the day comes.... I saw a faint image before me. "Ho...to..ho..ri," I managed weakly, only mouthing the familiar syllables. His eyes looked back at me sadly, not able to say anything, even though he tried talking, all I could do was watch him, I couldn't understand what he was telling me. I wanted to hold him. I reached out my hand, but then, the image was gone.... gone again.... gone as it ever was. The room was back in its state. Was back to being just a room.... An illusion.. that's what it was... Merely an illusion in which to add to my dismay.
No longer could smell his scent, no longer could hold him. Even when the time I should have.... Those hazel eyes that had once that I had hated, those cruel eyes that had haunted me in my sleep. Now... wishing to stare into those hazel eyes for the last time, now I could no longer see them...but I continue to wait and wait. For I still believe that he would return to me.....
~Owari~
Author notes:
Chrys: *bawl* Waggh...! Hotohori, you should treat your wife better! *hits
him with a paper fan*
Hoto: Itai! *glares at Chrys for ruining hair but can't do anything because he
knows what will happen to him if he puts his life on the line*
Houki: A-ano...? *sweat-drop*
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