A/N not mine, I own nothing but my sense of humor.
If you have never heard the Twisted Christmas song called The Restroom Door said Gentlemen, please take a moment, go to YouTube and look it up. We'll wait...
Okay, now let's go see what Lester has gotten himself into this Christmas season. Babe in the background.
The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen
I was a man in the edge. I wasn't sure if I wanted to jump or curl up into a ball and cry for my Mom. I made a grave error in judgement when I opened my mouth last week. I'm pretty sure Stephanie and Ranger are planning to send me to Siberia without any clothes, during their harshest part of winter. I am so screwed.
Ranger was beyond pissed. Stephanie has become eerily quiet. Her quiet terrified me more than Ranger. This was bad, so very bad. I know I shouldn't have told her to lay off the doughnuts, because she looked like she was suffering from some holiday spread. It just popped out, my filter had disappeared.
I jumped and damn near pissed myself when Ranger bellowed for me.
"Santos!"
My eyes bugged out of my head as I made my way to his office. I took a deep breath and entered.
"You wanted to see me, sir?" I asked almost with a squeak.
"You will be taking Grandma Mazur and Lula to the mall in an hour. They need to finish their Christmas shopping. You will be providing Grandma duties for the next five months as part of your shit list."
"Sir, yes, sir." I replied almost gleefully. If this is my punishment for what I said, I'll take it. I hate the tundra more than Grandma duties.
I left his office and grabbed my gear. I was going to stop and grab food for the women. I just needed to keep their hands busy for the next few hours and I was golden. This was going to be a piece of cake.
Once I'd picked up the food and the ladies, I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. Lula was stuffing food in her mouth, so she wasn't talking and Grandma had a chicken leg in one hand and a drink in the other. Life was easy peasy lemon squeezy.
They were even well behaved in the mall. Going about there business and getting their purchases quickly. I was so happy that I offered to treat them to some ice cream. I should have known better.
Grandma gave me her order, then went to the restroom, saying "Some times a girl just needs to tinkle."
"I'll meet you at the table where Lula is sitting, Grandma."
She clicked her teeth and shrugged before hurrying in the direction of the hallway that held the bathrooms. I looked over at Lula and was still amazed at the amount of spandex she stuffed herself into. I had to chuckle at the thought of the possibility of lubricants being needed to get it on and off her. She must own stock in crisco.
Grandma was just getting back to the table as I sat down. I really just thought of what they had be purchasing and it seemed odd to me. A layette set, complete with crib bumpers, onsie, and even diapers. The only logical explanation I could come up with is Val, Stephanie's sister, must be having kid number five, and from the looks of it, it must be a boy.
"Excuse me ladies, I need to use the restroom before we shop any more."
Lula let out a little chuckle, and Grandma grinned. That left me with a very uneasy feeling. I had a sinking suspicion that they were up to no good. I had a feeling that it would not bode well for me.
I became more alert and aware of my surroundings as I looked for the men's room down the long corridor. I couldn't place my finger on what was wrong.
I quickly located the door that read Gentlemen and heaved a sigh of relief. I opened it and confidently walked in. When I looked at the bank of sinks I knew I had been taken for a ride. The high pitched scream clued me in as well. There stood two nuns, Bella Morelli (with two other old women that I didn't recognize), and my Tia Carmen (who works as a nurse). What could be worse?
That old hag, Bella, sprayed me with her can of mace and hit me with her bag. What could I say? This just wasn't turning out to be my day. My Tia grabbed my ear and twisted it as hard as she could. Yelling that she was going to call my Mother and Abuela.
This must have been some kind of gag. I am itching to get my hands on the crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the signs. What could I say? This just wasn't turning out to be my day.
Soon mall security was there hauling my ass to the ground and cuffing me. One of the old ladies put her high heel, as hard as she could, up my behind once they had me down. I was internally planning my payback. I will find them and they will pay.
Two hours later, when Ranger finally showed up laughing his ass off. I was sporting two black eyes and one high heel up my behind.
"Santos, I don't think you'll be sitting with comfort and joy this Christmas."
I groaned as I heard Stephanie's laughter added to the mix. I know she's behind this some how. It was either her, or someone did it for her.
"Maybe next time you won't pick on the pregnant woman's weight," Steph said heartily.
Huh? Oh, shit! The meeting I missed last month. I had been late and didn't pay attention during it. This was part of my punishment.
Ranger, the fucker, was right. Boy, oh boy, no I wouldn't sit with comfort and joy.