WARNING:

please, do not read this story if you are suicidal or depressed, I really don't ant to trigger any more negative emotions for you. Sure, this story is for those, who are suckers for pain and just want to feel those emotions more deeply, idk, but if this might trigger you, i suggest you to leave and don't read this story. This story contains suicidal thoughts, depression, self harm maybe, suicide attempt an so on, so, please, if you think you cannot handle it, turn this page off.

thank you for reading xx

TEASER:

Dean withdrew from Sam.

"What is it?" Sam asked, feeling of wrongness hitting him again.

The older brother looked him in the eye, the look Sam have never seen before and he sure as hell never wanted to see it again.

"Dean?" he asked.

Dean smiled slightly, his eyes spotting...

Chapter 1

What I got to do, to make you love me?

What I got to do to make you care?

Dean put a letter on Sam's bed and sighted.

So this was it.

He looked around once again, breathing in Sam's scent one more time and walked out.

He wasn't planning on coming back.

Sam walked into his room and saw a white piece of paper lying there.

He walked to the bed and picked it up.

It was a letter. From Dean.

Sam frowned and opened it up, uneasy feeling in his stomach making himself know, and started reading.

Sammy,

I'm so so sorry.

You're probably tired of hearing this, but this time I mean it with every part of my heart and this time I'm saying it the last time.

I know that I screwed up everything awfully and there's no way to fix it, but I just wanted to explain everything. I hope you'll at least read this.

So, you were right. About everything.

If I sucked it up like I should have, none of this would have happened. And yeah, it's because I'm scared of being alone, I still am, it's been this way since Mom died, I guess. And because of this I kept dragging you through the mud with me over all these years. I should have listened when Osyris pointed it out , that it all started when i came to get you at Stanford. I should have never come to you, but after Dad dumped me too I was so messed up that coming to you looked like the only option, either that or… You saved me back there kiddo, wasn't worth it tho. You were worth so much better than to be stuck with your fucked up excuse of an older brother.

You know, the year before i went to hell I thought that i fixed some of it up, at least for the most part. I was hoping that once I'm gone you'll go back to school, forget everything and have an apple pie life you always desired to have. Away from all this pain, this madness, from this life, from me. But even with me outta the picture it didn't go as planned, did it?

If only you would have left me rot in hell and stepped out of this life, maybe this wouldn't have happened. I mean, apocalypse is on me, I wasn't strong enough once again and started it all. Sometimes I still wonder why they didn't left me in the pit for that, it was what i deserve after all. Maybe they thought it wasn't enough of a punishment, so they pulled me out so i can watch the world burn knowing it's my fault.

You have no idea how tired of it all i was… all the guilt for what i've done, what i couldn't do was crushing me down like a ton of bricks. I could barely bear that, but when you kept replacing me with a demon over and over again, pushing me away, rarely acknowledging me… brother, i wished nothing more than to die, go back to Hell or wherever. It was less painful than watching you drift away, thinking that I'm only getting in your way.

That day you ran off to kill Lilith I wondered why you didn't end me right there and then. You were so close. It would have been better that way, for both of us.

I don't know if you're still reading this, probably not, you've got better things to do than to listen your brother babbling and feeling sorry for himself. I know you don't want to be brothers anymore either, it just reminds me how bad I've failed again, but just for this long, make an exception here and pretend you do. For the last time, Sammy, and never again.

I just wish things turned out differently. I wish I've found out another way to save you without hurting you so bad in the process. I screwed things up between us permanently, i just hope that one day you'll forgive me and don't hate me more than you already do.

This doesn't change anything, I know that. You're still going to be angry, you're still going to be hurt and it's still going to be my fault. It's not like I don't know that, I just… I don't know what i want. Maybe for you to understand me a little bit, but it's kind of a little too late for that, heh?

Honestly, I don't see a way out of this one anymore, and I'm tired of trying, I just can't take the pain anymore. I know you're gonna be disappointed again, that's all i seemed to do recently - disappoint you - but I can't live like this no more, I'm better off dead anyways. Not like it's a big loss.

I'm sorry if this isn't enough, I can't really explain and it's okay if you don't understand, I'm just asking you to remember me some time, and forgive me for all the wrongs one day. I know I'm not the brother you'd like to have or deserve to have, but remember that I'm proud of you and that I will always love you, no matter what.

Goodbye, Sammy.

Love you,

Dean.