Warning: Contains very strong language, you've been warned.
A large crowd of protestors had gathered outside of Overwatch's main HQ in Switzerland, demanding that they disband after hearing several rumours about what they were doing and decided to set forth several allegations.
Jack, Reyes, Lena, Winston, Angela, McCree and Reinhardt were all watching this on a large monitor set up inside the base. Everyone was switching between looking at the monitor and Jack who sat with a hand on his face, waiting for him to do something. Lena then broke the silence in the room.
"We have to do something, we all know that we didn't do any of these things they are accusing us off!" She said in anger as a fire burned in her eyes.
"Hypocrites is what they all are," Reyes said from the corner of the room. "They loved us now they hate us and even if we did find something to help sway their minds they would just love us again, without even so much as a second thought."
"They are not hypocrites Gabriel," Angela stated firmly with crossed arms. "They are just confused, they don't know what to think at the moment."
"I agree with the good doctor," Reinhardt said to back her up. "We are but a noble group of protectors and we need the people out there to realise that again, that is all," He said placing a hand on Angela's shoulder as a friendly gesture.
"That is true," Winston said as he fiddled with his glasses. "But what they have seen and heard, they believe that to be the facts in this and are not seeing the truth," Winston added.
"Well someone's gotta make them see the truth," McCree said as he placed his feet up on the table they were around and lit one of his cigars.
At this moment, Jack's face emerged from his hand.
"I think, I know what I can say to change their minds," He said as he stood up from his chair.
"And what would that be exactly?" Reyes asked him pessimistically.
"Lena, fetch me a megaphone," Jack asked her. "I think these people deserve a little speech," He said mysteriously with a smirk.
Several minutes later
Jack took a minute to compose himself before he went onto the balcony to address the crowd of protestors.
"You can do this Jack, how hard can it be?" He asked himself nervously as he opened the door onto the balcony.
As soon as he stepped out the jeers from the crowd intensified and several objects that could be considered harmful were thrown his way. He then pressed the button on the megaphone turning it on and brought it up to his mouth.
"Please people, settle down, there is no need for this sort of action," Jack said to the crowd.
This did not work as they continued to jeer at him as he stood there.
"All we have done is try to protect you people and we have done that, that is all we want to do."
He was then met by another volley of jeers and insults thrown towards him and his comrades.
"So you don't think we're the good guys any more then, so what does it make us then?" He asked the crowd.
"You're just a bunch of criminals!" A young man shouted up to him, who was cheered at by the protestors.
"Oh no, we're not," Jack responded with. "We're dicks," He stated firmly.
The entire crowd fell silent as soon as he said this and everyone in it began mumbling to each other. In the base, everyone was shocked by what Jack had just said.
"Did he just call us what I think he just called us?" Lena asked everyone awkwardly. Her question was answered by several slow nods.
"We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks," Jack said to them all, still leaving them shocked in total silence. "And the United Nations, are pussies. And Talon, they're assholes," Jack said branding each group.
"The damn fools actually doing it," Reyes said with a smirk on his face.
This shocked many of the people in the room as it had been a long time since they had seen Reyes look remotely happy.
"What do you mean Gabe?" McCree asked him curiously.
"Just watch him, Jess."
"Pussies don't like dicks," Jack then said. "Because pussies get fucked by dicks, but dicks also fuck assholes, assholes who just wanna shit on everything," Jack explained to the silent crowd. "Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole, is a dick, with some balls."
"Should we stop him?" Angela asked them all awkwardly. "I don't think that he is actually helping us you know," She said to them, awkwardly again.
"Don't take the message literally Ang," Reyes said to her. "Think about it in a more figurative way," He said with his smirk continuing to grow.
"The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much, or fuck when it isn't appropriate," Jack continued to explain to the crowd.
"Yes Jack, yes," Winston said to himself as he started to understand the message he was trying to get across.
"And it takes a pussy to show them that," Jack then said. "But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes," Jack then said, holding back the rigorous laughter at the pun he had just made. "I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know," He stated firmly as his open hand gripped the bannister in front of him. "If you don't let us fuck those assholes, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies, all covered in shit," Jack said, ending the speech and lowering the megaphone from his mouth and placing it on the floor next to him.
The crowd and everyone in the base remained silent for several uneasy seconds. Then, one after another people in the crowd started to clap until Jack was sure that everyone in the entire crowd was clapping in approval of what he had just said to them all.
Everyone in the base was left absolutely gobsmacked, trying to figure out how a speech like that would gain people's approval.
It would be a mystery that would stay in their minds for the rest of their days.
Hope you enjoyed this funny little one-shot I decided to make. For those who do not know, the speech Jack did was from the movie Team America World Police. Funniest puppet movie ever.