All characters (even Mr. Wheelie) belong to Dan Brown, the lucky bastard. Any concepts or plots that resemble Dan Brown's work is simply our take on his brilliance and sexiness.
Chapter One
Robert Langdon woke up with a big hard-on. "Damn-it" he swore to himself. "Not again."
Robert's dreams had been tortured. Tortured by the one thing he could not have.
"But," he thought with a sigh, "it does not due to dwell on that."
He jumped out of bed and proceeded to do 569 push-ups.
Chapter Two
Not twenty minutes later a douche in a wheel chair was knocking on Robert's door. "What the fuck is it this time?" Robert bellowed as he ran down his many, many stairs. "FUCKING ILLUMINATI! GO THE FUCK AWAY!"
Chapter Three
Robert was LIVID. He was pissed. If one more bastard came knocking at his door at this hour, he was going to go ape-shit. Robert flung the door open and shot the crazy man in a wheel chair his iciest stare. "What do you want you stupid moron? I was upstairs polishing my Illuminati Diamond replica when you so rudely interrupted me."
Chapter Four
"So sorry Mr. Langdon. I wouldn't disturb you unless the world was coming to an end."
"Hurry it up, I teach a class in a few hours." Robert barked.
"Well, it seems that the Vatican is going to BLOW UP!"
"k…
"We must go find the explosive device before everyone is blown to smithereens!" Mr. Wheelie nearly creamed his pants with excitement.
"WHAT!?" Langdon bellowed getting all up in the stranger's grill.
"Do you remember when the Pope died last week?"
"…So what if I do?"
"That was no accident! AAAND that is a whole lot of blown up peepers." The man blurted.
"GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!" Robert cried as he planted a palm sandwich right across the idiot's face.
"We'll go save the winkies, but first, I need a smoke."
"WINKIES!?"
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