hello! sorry about this, i'm just venting and also feel super high because i just started effexor? wtf like is that normal? anyway! enjoy!
"Bloody hell Jen" Peter gasps for breath as they walk into the canteen, the two of them doubled over with laughter.
Jenna can't even respond she's laughing so hard, at this point neither can remember what on earth is so funny but they're too far gone to care about that.
They get the usual fond looks of 'oh it's those two at it again' as they walk over and get their food. They've mostly calmed down by the time they're eating.
She's 14, and alone. Alone in the bathroom in her underwear standing in front of the mirror.
Fat
Ugly
worthless
Her thighs are already littered with scars and bruises. Some accidental, some not. She's lost count of how she got each one.
She's angry. She needs a release, so she does what she always does: takes it out on herself.
Blades carefully removed from razors, slicing into fresh skin. Relief. Then dinner, homework, and bed.
She doesn't sleep.
She likes parties. Parties are easy. When there's a party there's alcohol, and alcohol definitely made her happy. It numbed her, made her laugh, made her just not care about anything. She sits there listening to Peter telling a story, laughs in the right places and takes another swig of cider.
Jenna loved these nights.
She's 16. Standing with a blade in hand, slices 3 times.
Slice
Slice
Slice
It takes 20 minutes to stop the bleeding, the bathroom bin stained with blood. After, she curls up in bed and cries until she falls asleep.
The awards were just a funny thing someone came up with. Things like best dressed, worst music taste, fun things.
When she's voted happiest, liveliest person in the cast, Jenna knows she's won.
She'd been meaning to stop, she had. She was hoping now she had her life sorted out (to some degree anyway) the feelings and thoughts would go away. They don't. They follow her, to drama school, to her first job.
She hides it all, putting on a smile for the cameras and no one's any the wiser. Little do they know.
She's 19
She's 21
She's 24
Nothing changes, she's still here going through the same old shit.
When she gets the doctor who job she, for once, feels happiness, true happiness and yet that night she makes 5 cuts; 2 deep and 3 scratches.
At this point it's just a habit, the thoughts and feelings are there, underneath it all but she's blocked it all out now. At least she thought she had.
The alcohol makes her warm, too warm. She takes off her jacket. After all, she'd won, so that didn't matter any more. She dances, laughs, drinks until the early hours.
It's only as they're standing in the foyer waiting for taxis she notices the glances. But that doesn't matter now. Tomorrow, they'd all forget. Definitely a week from now, maybe less.
"Jen…" Peter looks at her with such concern and Jenna decides she'll walk home.
When she's voted the happiest, liveliest member of the cast, Jenna knows she's won.