Uncle Cid's Cabin
Plot summary: What happens when Yuffie and Rikku have eaten too much ice cream? Cid and Roxas find out the hard way…
Notes: Hey all, Good Sir here. I wanted to take a break from writing my other story and try my luck with a little humor. This story's mainly a comedy revolving around Cid and Roxas as they try to brave the wilderness after Yuffie and Rikku pull a little prank. It will be a few chapters long, but certainly not as large as my other KH story, The Long Way Home.
I hope you enjoy reading it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Disclaimer: Characters are property of Disney and Square Enix.
Chapter 1: Ice Cream, Naptime, and Magic Don't Mix
So they thought they could pull a fast one on him, did they? Thought they could get their jollies out of his aggravation, eh? Why of course! What generates more laughs than stranding the greatest scientific mind in all the worlds in a backwater dump with absolutely no technology?
This is why Yuffie and Rikku shouldn't be allowed to communicate with one-another. Once that darned crazy ninja and her pixie cohort got together to eat crates—that's right, crates—of ice cream at a time, they always bounced off the walls and got nuttier than usual! And of course, bungee jumping off the Great Maw wasn't enough to satisfy two overly hyperactive teen girls! No! They just had to sneak up on the engineer when he was taking his daily afternoon nap, didn't they? And they just had to bind and gag him before stowing him away on one of the ships he built himself! What's worse, they simply couldn't resist selecting an uncharted planet as the autopilot's destination simply because the preview image showed a "cute" family of raccoons scurrying about, could they?
So here was Cid Highwind, abandoned on some woodland planet with a bunch of deer, badgers, bunnies, squirrels, and all the other furry, friendly, adorable, sickeningly "fluffy-wuffy"—as Yuffie and Rikku would call them—animals a forest normally housed. Great. Well, if he wanted to hunt for new gopher loafers or some new grizzly bear underwear this would be paradise (unless Greenpeace was around the corner, in which case he'd be eating three squares of bread and water for the next few years). But he was an engineer, for crying out loud! Where were the computers, the gadgets, the gizmos, and most importantly of all, the gummis?! He'd go insane without his precious gummi blocks to tinker with! Whatever was he to do, stranded without any technology or means to get home?
"Nothin' to do but build me a new home," Cid grumbled. Flicking his nose with his thumb and running a hand through his fair hair, he grunted and took in his surroundings. There were trees—lots of them. "If only I had me an axe! I'd be able to fix up some sort of cabin by hackin' away at these suckers." He slapped his hand against the trunk of a tree and took a feel of the bark. It was tough stuff. Guess he couldn't claw at it and hope it'd topple over, huh? "Dangnabit! When I get my hands on those crazy girls, I'll—"
Cid halted his thoughts abruptly at the sound of something rustling behind the bushes. He flicked his nose and glared intently at the shivering greenery. "It's probably just some brain-dead squirrel mindlessly burying its acorn or something…" he thought, yet he clenched his hands tightly into fists just incase.
Snap!
Boom!
"Argh!"
A mysterious figured swooped out of the bushes and slammed into Cid, effectively tackling him to the ground.
"What in the world…?" muttered Cid. He was laying flat on his back with his eyes forced close. A heavy pressure weighed against his body and threatened to crack his ribs. Eyes shooting open to glare at his assailant, he was surprised to find a human—a young man to be exact—resting on his chest. "Ya mind gettin' off me, boy?" he growled.
"Oh, my head…" uttered the young man. He gradually slipped off the older man and stumbled to his feet. He shook his head to clear his vision and glanced back down at Cid, his azure eyes piercing into the older man's of equal color. Both eyes narrowed as the two registered their identities.
"You—you're…!" they exclaimed in unison.
"Cid!"
"Roxas!"
Cid forced himself off the ground and towered over the teen with spiky, blond hair. "Roxas?! What the heck are you doin' outside of Sora?" he demanded. "You didn't go 'n get 'im killed again, did ya? 'Cuz if ya did, boy, I'm gonna skin ya alive!"
Roxas waved his arms frantically in front of Cid. "No, no! Don't get any wrong ideas, gramps," he pleaded. "I'm not really sure how I got here, and I have no idea what happened to Sora." Cid shot him a menacing glare. "Wait, no! I don't mean that in a bad way! He wasn't attacked or anything! He just paid a visit to Radiant Garden—"
Another rustling in the bushes abruptly halted the conversation. Roxas quickly snapped his head around in fear. "Oh no… He's still after me!" he whispered anxiously.
"Eh? What're ya talkin' about boy?" question Cid in his normal tone while flicking his nose.
"Shh!!" frantically hushed Roxas. "He's coming!"
Great, just great. What did this kid get himself into? He didn't go and tick off a bear, did he? Now Cid really wished he had an axe! The bushes continued to rustle and the fear within Roxas manifested itself into puddles of sweat dripping off the tip of his nose. The kid was practically a walking rainstorm of sweat! Forget the bear! He must've inherited the wrath from a pack of wolverines!
Now eyeing the bushes anxiously himself, Cid fought the urge to just buck and bolt clear out of there. He gulped, sensing the presence edging its way closer to the two defenseless humans.
Snap!
"Here it comes…" thought Cid.
A figure rushed out of the bushes and flung itself at Roxas.
"Ack! Get it off! Get it off!" wailed the youth.
Dumbstruck, Cid stood with his mouth agape. That kid was supposed to be a part of Sora? What in the heck…?
"Kid, are ya tryin' to pull m'leg or something?" gaped Cid. "It's just a darned squirrel!"
Truer words have never been spoken, for surely enough, a fat, fuzzy squirrel was latched onto Roxas's leg, desperately trying to claw away at his pants.
"That doesn't make it any less rabid!" retorted Roxas, frantically running around in circles. He flopped on the ground and desperately tried to shake the squirrel off of him by rolling around wildly. All the while Cid just stood there, slapping himself repeatedly in the forehead for having taken that accursed afternoon nap.
"Yer a Keyblade Master, fer cryin' out loud! Just summon that oversized key of yers and whack that sucker upside the head!"
Roxas immediately ceased his erratic rolling and snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah… I forgot about that," he mused. Cid smacked his forehead and rolled his eyes. With the squirrel still clinging to his pant leg, Roxas got to his feet and held out an outstretched hand. A burst of light erupted from his palm. When it cleared, a large silver and gold key was clenched securely around his hand. Roxas poked the squirrel with the Keyblade until it slipped off and plopped onto the ground in an angry fit. "Look, I'm sorry I ate your acorns," said Roxas sincerely. "I didn't know they were yours."
The squirrel squeaked angrily. It jumped up into the air, but instead of latching back onto Roxas's pants, it aimed instead for his face. "Ahh!!" cried the Key wielder. Claws dug into his cheeks, causing him to frantically flail his arms and Keyblade in the air. "Get it off! Get it off!" He fell back into the pattern of running around in circles until he eventually crashed headfirst into a tree. The shockwave caused a hornets' nest suspended above to plummet onto Roxas's head. Scrambling out of the hornet-infested area, the squirrel ducked back into the bushes and left Roxas's heavily scratched face completely exposed to the incoming stingers. He whacked his Keyblade desperately in the air, hoping to whack the angered hornets like baseballs.
All the while, Cid couldn't help but burst into the laughter. However, as he watched Roxas suffer, he decided to lend the kid a helping hand. It wasn't his fault the forest seemed to hate him, after all. So Cid grabbed hold of Roxas's arm and yanked him away from the buzzing swarm. "C'mon, kid! Let's run fer it!" he hollered. The two sprinted through the woodland, hopping over decaying logs and circumventing the occasional wandering skunk. Eventually, they ducked behind some moss-covered rocks and crawled into a ditch below them. The buzzing intensified momentarily and then gradually died down until it disappeared completely.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Roxas inched his way out of the ditch with Cid right behind him. The two stood up and again Cid broke out into laughter. "What?" demanded Roxas.
Cid stifled his laughter and shook his head. "We'll need to get yer face patched up, kid." Roxas groaned and nodded. "So how'd ya get here again?"
"Oh, right…" Roxas held the Keyblade in the air and willed it to disperse in another flash of light. He then glanced over at Cid and explained, "Like I was saying, Sora went to visit Leon and the guys at Radiant Garden. You know, to check up on the Restoration Committee."
Cid flicked his nose. "And…?"
Roxas had paused to momentarily massage his welted face. "Sorry. Anyway, out of normal routine, he made a stop at Merlin's house first. When he opened the door, Rikku literally flew across the room and smacked him in the face. Turns out she was running away from Yuffie who was 'trying out' Merlin's wand. And yeah, before you ask, there were at least fifteen empty cartons of sea-salt ice cream littering the floor."
"Yep, makes perfect sense," uttered Cid in complete understanding. When he gets home, he's definitely chucking out the freezer…
"Right, so when Sora peeled Rikku off of himself, she fluttered back over to Yuffie and whispered something in her ear. They were plotting, darn it! And Sora just stood there like a fool despite his better judgment! They turned to face him with two devious, little smiles curling on their lips. Yuffie then flicked her wrist and sent a jolt of magic shooting out from the wand at Sora. The next thing I knew, I was being bussed onto a spare gummi ship while half conscious. I must've fallen asleep during the flight, because when I opened my eyes I was lying in the grass several feet away from my exploding ship. The rest of the story, well, you kind of already know."
Yup, it was official. No more ice cream for those girls! Hopefully Merlin caught them and exacted a fair punishment in Cid's place for the time being.
"Heh, looks like we're in the same boat then, kid," said Cid with another flick of the nose.
"So they got you too, huh?" mused Roxas. Cid nodded irritably. "So what now, gramps?"
"First off, the name's Cid, kid. Not gramps."
"Tit for tat, Cid. I'm Roxas, if you know what I mean," he retorted with a smirk.
"Heh. I like you, kid—err, Roxas," Cid replied, understanding the young man's hidden meaning. Memories of his first encounter with Sora flooded his mind. If there was any doubt Roxas was a part of Sora, those memories automatically provided sufficient evidence. "Anyway, you said yer gummi crashed, right? Where exactly is it? If we can get there, I can probably use some of the spare parts to make a ship and get us outta here!"
That's right, Cid's such a genius mechanic! He can take just about any seemingly worthless piece of scrap and transform it into a fully functioning first-class quality piece of technology. But there's only one catch: he needs the parts, first…
Roxas rubbed the back of his head. "Err… my ship doesn't really exist anymore…" he mumbled.
"Eh? Whaddya mean it doesn't exist anymore?"
Roxas let out a sigh. "Well, you know that explosion? It pretty much liquefied every single gummi block."
The engineer's jaw dropped. Just what kind of fuel did those crazy chicks pump into that ship before blasting it off?! Normal fuel shouldn't be that powerful when gobblin' up gummi blocks in uncontrollable, cheap pyrotechnics!
"Darn it! Now we're stuck…" grumbled Cid.
"Well…what about your ship?" offered Roxas. "Why don't we use the parts from that?"
"We can't, dangnabit! M'ship rolled off a dangblasted waterfall!" the engineer bitterly shouted. "And I ain't divin' in after it!"
"So…we're really stuck here?"
"'Till we think of a plan, yeah," Cid nodded. "But we'll have to put on our thinkin' caps later 'cuz it's gettin' pretty dark." Sure enough, the sun was setting. Within a few more hours, it would be completely pitch black in the forest, and only the moon—if this place had a moon, that is—would provide a flicker of light. Oh how Cid missed the street lamps of Radiant Garden! He'd never take those shoddy, horribly engineered pieces of singed wire for granted again, that's for sure. "First thing we've gotta do is build us some kind of shelter. Like a hut or somethin'."
"And how do you propose we do that?" cocked Roxas. "If you haven't noticed, we don't have any tools or materials."
Cid flicked his nose. "And if you haven't noticed, we're in the middle of a darned forest with lots and lots of trees 'n stuff," retorted Cid. "We'll just use that key of yers to knock around a few timbers."
"I don't know," hesitated the Key wielder. "We might upset some of the animals." He did not want a recurrence of earlier events.
"Stop bein' such a whimp!" the engineer huffed. "The scariest thin' you'll find up a tree is a deranged owl swingin' around a possum! Now get that blade of yers out 'n start hackin'!"
With his pride at stake, Roxas reluctantly summoned the Keyblade and took a swing at the nearest tree. As if to spite him, the tremors sent an owl of the deranged variety flying out of a tree hollow straight for Roxas's head. And what, pray tell, did the owl clutch in its talons? Yeah, a possum; and it was alive and hoppin' mad! The two nocturnal animals pecked and clawed at the Keyblade wielder until he decided to play baseball again. This time his targets were thankfully large enough to actually hit. Needless to say, Roxas scored a couple of 'homeruns' as the owl and possum streaked across the sky completely out of sight.
Three raccoons, a fox, and one very persistent blue jay later, Roxas managed to chop down precisely one tree. At this point, his face matched a Picasso painting and his hair housed a blue jay's nest complete with three ready-to-hatch eggs.
"One tree ain't enough, Roxas! Go hack up a couple more!" ordered Cid.
"And get my eyes clawed out?!" the Key wielder cried. "No thanks! Why don't you do it?" He angrily tossed the Keyblade at Cid, who swiftly dodged it.
"Pfheh! A little animal rough housing never hurt—"
Cid was cut short by a thundering roar. He and Roxas hesitantly turned around and caught sight of a very angry grizzly bear whose eye was poked out by the Keyblade.
"Dangnabit, Roxas! Why'dya chuck that blade at 'im?!" shouted Cid as he ran for it.
"Hey, don't blame this on me! You're the one who dodged it!" contended Roxas as he too ran for dear life.
A moment of Déjà vu found the two sprinting through the forest like a grizzly bear was after them. …Wait, no. A grizzly bear really was after them! This time, however, their trek through the forest did not prove as pleasant. The sun no longer hovered high in the sky and the forest had significantly darkened. Roxas and Cid stumbled over nearly everything in their path as the bear continued its enraged pursuit.
Finally, Cid and Roxas came to an abrupt stop when they noticed the bear had mysteriously ceased its chase. It stood a mere seven feet from the two, not moving or growling or doing anything aside from curiously staring at them.
"What's wrong, ya crazy bear? Too chicken to come at us anymore?" taunted Cid.
"Uh… Cid? I don't think you should provoke him…" cautioned Roxas. He really didn't need to add "mauled by a bear" to his long list of animal encounters for the day. But despite Roxas's fears, the bear still refused to move. It continued to stare at them, and Roxas could have sworn it grinned in amusement for a split second. Bears did grin, right? And then it did the most peculiar thing… The bear darted its eyes at the ground and then shot them back at Roxas. At this, the Key wielder raised a brow. Of course, Cid was too busy flinging more taunts to notice, but the bear did it again and again, totaling three times. Finally, Roxas decided to follow the bear's lead. He lowered his gaze at the ground and noticed…well, he noticed something really important.
"Cid…?"
"Ha, ha, ha! Ya crazy bear! Yer so scared I bet if I made some shadow puppets you'd jump clear outta yer fur!" continued Cid, completely ignoring Roxas.
"Cid…"
"'N ya call yerself a grizzly! Pfft! M'granny's more of a grizzly when she ain't had her daily dose of caffeine!" Yeah, he's still ignoring Roxas. And he's having a grand time while doing it, too!
Frustrated, Roxas yanked out Cid's goggles and let them slap back onto his head. "Hey, Cid!" he yelled in the engineer's ears.
"Darnit, Roxas! What's yer problem?" he growled, cocking his head at the young man beside him. "Ain't yer mamma ever teach you to leave a man be when he's tauntin' a bear?!"
That was officially the weirdest thing Roxas had ever heard. "Uh, no, she didn't. But that's besides the point!"
Cid just flicked his nose. "There ain't nothin' 'besides the point' unless it's more fun than tauntin' a bear!"
"Preventing a deadly drop to our doom is definitely more fun than taunting a bear in my book!" snapped Roxas.
"Eh? What're ya talkin' about?" asked Cid, completely befuddled. Tired of straining his voice for a clearly lost cause, Roxas simply pointed his finger downwards. Cid let his eyes drop to his feet and noticed the ground no longer supported them. "What in the he—Aaaaaahhhhh!!"
Rules for walking off a cliff:
Rule #1: Don't look down
Rule #2: If you do look down, don't latch on to any person(s) that may have followed you
Rule #3: Screaming like a little girl doesn't help any
Cid broke all the rules.
Well, that's it for chapter 1. While waiting for another update, please feel free to check out my other Kingdom Hearts story, The Long Way Home.