A/N: I usually don't write angst for these guys, but I was feeling really crappy the other day and I just needed this. Hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own SNK/Aot or any of the songs referenced.
'I know it's hard sometimes,
Yeah I think about the end just way too much,
But it's fun to fantasize,
On my enemies I wouldn't wish who I was,
But it's fun to fantasize'
"Levi…? Levi fucking Ackerman get your ass down here!"
Something clattered loudly beside my head (I think it was a rock), almost hitting me in the face. With a low growl of a curse, I removed one of my earbuds and leaned onto my side to glare down at the bitch that was my mother.
"What the hell do you want?" I asked, annoyed that she had decided to bother me.
Down on the ground, my mother stood in her pantsuit, her hands on her hips as if she actually gave two shits about me.
"What the hell are you doing on the roof of all places?! Get down here now! You're first day of school starts in half an hour!"
"Tch." I leaned back down, my hands interlacing behind my head as I gazed up at the sky. "It's the middle of the goddamn seme—"
"I don't need your attitude this early in the morning! Just get down here in five minutes or else you are walking!" With that, she stalked back into the house, slamming the door shut behind her.
I didn't do anything for a few minutes, I just laid there, my eyes closed as I listened to the drums beating in my ears.
Finally, with a sigh, I sat up, my knee to my chest as I stared out over the endless rows of houses at the dark horizon, as orange shafts of light began to streak across it.
"LEVI!"
I grunted in annoyance before I stood up, brushing off the back of my jeans.
She would never let me hear the end of it if I didn't go to school today.
'Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,
That you're alive and have a soul,
But it takes someone to come around to show you how.'
"Pssst! Hey!"
My head turned to the side, my eyes resting upon some shitty-looking brunette with glasses. "What?"
She just pointed to the front of the classroom, her hand to her mouth as if she were trying to hide a smile or stifle a laugh.
I looked to the front, and sure enough, the teacher was standing there, his hands on his hips like my goddamn mother that morning. Why were all adults like that?
"Excuse me, young man, but what is your name?"
"Levi."
"Levi. Would you please take off your hood and remove your earbuds while in my classroom?"
It took a lot of effort for me not to growl at him as I did as he said, pulling down my dark green hood and taking out my earbuds. Why did all adults have to be annoying as fuck?
"Thank you," the teacher said, giving me an obviously forced smile, the bastard. "Now, would you mind telling me what the answer is to the question on the board?"
My eyes locked with his for a second before flicking to the whiteboard. It was a geometry question where you had to find the angle using sine and cosine or whatever.
"I don't know, sir."
"Hmph. Then maybe you should actually pay attention while I'm teaching."
I rolled my eyes when he turned away and went to explain the answer himself. No one saw me except the weird brunette beside me who burst into a fit of giggles, her forehead on the table as she banged her fist on the wood, trying to stay quiet.
What the hell is her problem?
I turned to look at the board, watching disinterestedly as Professor Douchebag began to explain the problem.
74 degrees.
"…And that should get you 74 degrees. Any questions?"
"Hmph." I let out a small breath of a laugh, as if it were funny, but I didn't smile as I put in one earbud, tuning everything else out.
I stared at the mirror, taking in what I saw with hatred. Looking back at me, was a short, seventeen-year old with large bags under his eyes and really pale skin, almost sickly looking.
It really was disgusting.
Jaw clenching, I turned away from the offensive reflection and headed out of the bathroom, across the hall. With barely enough pause to throw my door shut, I climbed into bed, slipping under the covers and pulling them over my head.
I reached my hand over, feeling on my bedside table for my phone. Finally touching it, I grabbed it and placed it on the bed without unplugging it, taking the earbuds already attached and putting them in my ears.
'Scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity,
Scared of my own ceiling, scared I'll die of uncertainty,
Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety,
Don't know what's inside of me.'
I let out a low sigh, relaxing against the coolness my sheets had to offer as the music enveloped me.
I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping,
Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts, no,
You are all that I've got, no.
Subconsciously, I held my hand in front of my face. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could more clearly make out the lines of my palm that supposedly told my future or some shit like that. I didn't believe in that crap, obviously, but even so, I continued to study the appendage because even I knew that a lot could be told about a person just from looking at their hands. You could tell what kind of work they're in or what instrument they play. But what about me? What did my hands say?
I want the markings made on my skin,
To mean something to me again,
I hope you haven't left without me, please.
Without even glancing, I could see the pale, horizontal lines on my wrist. Before I could actually look though, my other hand came up and grasped my arm, hiding my wrist from view.
People usually convince themselves that they won't be 'the ones' to do certain things in life, the things that only 'damaged' people did.
Bullshit.
Don't forget about me,
Don't forget about me,
Even when I doubt you,
I'm no good without you.
'The songs on the radio are ok,
But my taste in music is your face,
And it takes a song to come around to show you how.'
"Hey! Levi!"
I heard my name, so I looked over my shoulder, spotting that weird chick that was in most of my classes.
Immediately, I turned around and kept walking.
"Hey!" she called me again, and I faintly heard the sound of pounding footsteps beyond the drums and piano in my ears. Eventually she appeared right in front of me, waving her arms to get my attention.
Damn, she was annoying.
"Levi? Levi. Hey, Levi!"
"What?" I growled, yanking out an earbud to listen to her.
She eyed the white bud with sudden interest. "Whatcha listening to?"
"None of your damn business. Now if that's all you wanted, leave me the hell alone." I tried to step around her.
"No no no! Don't leave yet!" She got right up in my face. I hoped to God that she at least brushed her teeth recently.
Wait, why did I say that? I'm atheist.
"Then what?"
"I just wanted to say hi," she said, a big grin on her face. "We've been in the same classes for over a week and you haven't even tried to talk to me."
"Has it ever occurred to you that it's for good reason?"
She startled cackling, causing the other people around us to stare. "Oh! That was a good one! You're so funny, I think we will get along." She stuck out her hand. "I'm Hanji, by the way."
I eyed her hand, doubting that she had washed anytime recently. I just looked her in the eye and said "Yeah. Great" before finally walking around her and going down the hall. She didn't chase after me that time, thankfully.
Feeling like I could finally get some peace, I reached to put my earbud back in when someone ran into my shoulder.
"Oh, sorry."
I turned my glare at the voice, wanting to cuss them out, but a vibrant blue-green color stopped me in my tracks. I was only able to glimpse those vivid eyes and chocolate-brown, almost shaggy hair before they disappeared into the crowd of teenagers.
I stood there for a second, my eyes focused on the spot he had gone before shrugging it off, turning around and walking toward the exit.
'I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,
I'm a goner, somebody catch my breath,
I want to be known by you,
I want to be known by you.'
It was hard to breathe.
I couldn't breathe.
Something was preventing me from breathing correctly, from taking in oxygen.
Why was the air so thin?
I looked up to the sky, trying to take a proper breath as I felt the drizzling rain pepper my face. It was fall, and the late evening air prickled my skin with cold, but it helped, and slowly, my breathing calmed down, becoming ragged inhales and not sharp gasps.
I was on my hands and knees now, the hard shingles of the roof digging into my palms as I tried to drown myself in the music blaring in my ears.
Slowly, I got down onto my side, my hood pulled up to shield my eyes from the light.
'Though I'm weak and beaten down,
I'll slip away into this sound,
The ghost of you is close to me,
I'm inside-out, you're underneath.'
I turned over, one arm draped across my stomach, the other falling to my side. I let the rain strike my face, my eyes closing at the feel of it.
I was really going insane, wasn't I? This was what insanity felt like, wasn't it? Never before have I thought that I would be one to fall into the dark regions of my mind and drift away into nothingness.
But maybe I deserved it.
Isabel… Farlan.
'Don't let me be gone.'
"What the fuck, Four-eyes?! Let go!" I growled, trying to dig in my heels so that I wouldn't be dragged around against my will anymore, but this Hanji was freakishly strong.
"Why would I want to do that, Levi?" she asked, grinning back at me. "It's lunchtime and I usually don't know where you eat anyways, but today you get to eat with me and some of my friends! Doesn't that sound great?"
"Peachy," I deadpanned, but Hanji didn't take note of my tone and just continued to drag me to the cafeteria.
When we finally got there, I just stood behind Hanji in line since she wouldn't let go of my wrist (she could probably somehow sense my instinct to flee), and watched as she got her lunch. Near the end of the line, she looked back to check on me and asked why I hadn't gotten anything. I told her I wasn't hungry and then she started spazzing out, saying some shit about how eating a healthy, balanced diet was good for you. When I just looked at her, she plucked an apple from a tray and declared that she would buy it for me. I immediately snatched it from her and said I would pay. I didn't need her to baby me, I had my own goddamn money.
When we had paid, Hanji pulled me across the hall to a table where her friends supposedly were.
"Hey guys!" Hanji greeted, forcing me into a chair before sitting herself down in the one beside me. "This is Levi!" She turned to grin at me, but then noticed that I went to put my earbuds in and grabbed both of my wrists. "No! What are you doing?! You're supposed to talk to and meet new people!"
"Who said I wanted to—?"
"Please, Levi? For me?"
I just looked at her. Why the hell would I do it for her? In the end I just said "I leave one in" to compromise because she probably wouldn't stop pestering me unless I did what she wanted.
Hanji sighed. "Alright, fine. Only the one."
"Thanks for being so understanding," I muttered, putting in the bud and crossing my arms, looking around the table at these new people.
There were only four people at the table other than me and Hanji, and Four-eyes was already introducing everyone.
"Ok. So this is Petra," the brunette began, pointing to a girl with strawberry-blonde hair. The girl smiled timidly and gave a small wave.
"Erwin."
I assumed she was going around the table, so I looked to Petra's right and saw what I swear was the spitting image of a blonde Captain America, just with bushier eyebrows (those things were like caterpillars). He nodded as Hanji went on.
"The little cutie over there is Armin, but don't pursue him. He's off limits because of Erwin."
The blonde kid with the coconut-shaped haircut blushed. "H-Hanji! Why did you tell him that?"
Erwin chuckled. "I'd prefer if people knew that anyway. Saves me the trouble of 'explaining' later on."
Armin blushed a deeper red as Hanji grinned. "And last, but not least, is Eren, the wonderful boy sitting next to you."
I turned to look at who she indicated, and suddenly I found my mind going unusually blank.
Gorgeous blue-green eyes met mine, chocolate-brown hair falling just above them. The boy owning these smiled at me and said "Hey, Levi. Nice to meet you."
After a second, I responded. "Likewise."
I could practically feel Hanji beaming at my rare attempt at social interaction. "Normally, we would have more people, but everyone has different lunches this year."
Eren nodded in agreement, still smiling. "Yep. And it's a shame too. You could have met my sister Mikasa. You guys seem to be a lot alike."
As the conversation around the table continued, I tried to ignore them. The techno and drums in my head were far more interesting. I kept my hands busy by playing with the green apple I was forced to buy.
"Levi, what do you think?" Hanji. I ignored her.
"Levi?" Eren.
I stood up, a tired sigh escaping my lips. "Just leave me the hell alone already," I said, before turning to leave. My eyes met teal ones just before I walked away. They looked confused, a bit hurt, and I instantly felt guilty.
'There were people back home who tried talking to you,
But then you ignored them still,
All these questions they're for real,
Like who would you live for? Who would you die for?
And would you ever kill?'
I continued to walk out of the cafeteria and down the hall.
'I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride
I'm falling so I'm taking my time on my ride.'
I went up the stairs and to the roof. Who even really gave a fuck about the restriction to go up there anyway?
'I've been thinking too much.'
I sat down, my back against one of those huge vents. My hood up, I looked to the sky, watching as the large, white clouds drifted along lazily, as if they didn't have anything better to do.
When the bell finally rang for the end of lunch, I slowly stood up, brushed my pants off, and trudged back, my hands in my pockets.
'I know my soul's freezing
Hell's hot for good reason, so please,
I don't know if this song is a surrender or a revel
I don't know if this one is about me or the devil.'
'Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeve
My skin will scream
Reminding me of
Who I killed inside my dream
I hate this car that I'm driving
There's no hiding for me
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distraction to mask what is real
I could pull the steering wheel
I have these thoughts
So often I ought
To replace that slot
With what I once bought
'Cause somebody stole
My car radio
And now I just sit in silence
I ponder of something terrifying
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind
I find over the course of our human existence
One thing consists of consistence
And it's that we're all battling fear
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here
Oh my,
Too deep
Please stop thinking
I liked it better when my car had sound
There are things we can do
But from the things that work there are only two
And from the two that we choose to do
Peace will win
And fear will lose
There's faith and there's sleep
We need to pick one please because
Faith is to be awake
And to be awake is for us to think
And for us to think is to be alive
And I will try with every rhyme
To come across like I am dying
To let you know you need to try to think.'
I felt the cold concrete against my back and underneath me as I sat there, my knees drawn up to my chest and my head in my arms.
I had my music almost all the way up, desperately trying to get it to consume me as I have done so many times before. But it was a slow process, and I could still feel my chest heaving, almost as if I had run a marathon and my heart wouldn't slow down.
Why did this have to happen at school of all places?
This was so damn frustrating. I had just been going about my usual shit when I found myself staring at a group of morons in the hall. They were just talking, screwing around with each other, like they did that every day. All of a sudden, it felt like something slammed into my chest and I was running to the stairwell before I even knew what I was doing.
Life's a bitch.
I felt someone shaking me. Startled, I looked up, one of my earbuds falling out of my ear, and was met with those ocean eyes that were blue, green, purple, gold, teal, all at the same time.
"Levi?" Eren was kneeling in front of me, looking at me in concern. "Are you ok?"
I barely blinked before I shot up, shoving him away and taking a few steps back.
"Stay a-way from me!" Dammit. Of course my voice had to crack just a little.
'Help me polarize, help me polarize,
Help me down,
Those stairs is where I'll be hiding all my problems,
Help me polarize, help me polarize,
Help me out,
My friends and I, we've got a lot of problems.'
Eren's eyes widened slightly, watching my face carefully. "Levi…"
I was still hyperventilating as I glared at him. "Didn't you hear me? I said stay the hell away from me! Just leave me alone, brat!"
I tried to step away, but my back hit the wall and I cursed.
Eren took a step closer to me.
On instinct I attempted to step around him, but I had barely gone a step before his hand caught my wrist. My hand immediately ripped itself away from him and I whirled around, wanting more than anything in the world at that moment to murder him.
And then he did something that completely caught me off guard: he hugged me.
I tried to resist him at first, jerking away and struggling, but he held on tight, keeping my arms uselessly pinned down by my sides. We just stood there for a long time fighting each other... but strangely enough, my heart slowed down, my breaths came easier, my muscles relaxed.
I was panting, just standing there in that brat's embrace. It was gentle, but firm, soothing. Safe.
I felt exhausted, resting my forehead against his shoulder.
He felt so warm.
'You know where I'm coming
From though I am running
To you, all I feel is deny, deny, denial,
I wanted to be a better brother, better son,
Wanted to be a better adversary to the evil I have done,
I have none to show to the one I love,
But deny, deny, denial.'
I sat on the roof once again, my music not in for once, but several phrases kept playing and replaying in my mind, like they were trying to tell me something.
"Levi?"
The familiar voice temporarily brought me into reality, and I shifted my gaze from the horizon to look down at the driveway.
Eren was standing down there, looking up at me with an expression that was equal parts confused and amused. "What are you doing up there? How did you get up there?"
I smirked down at him and tapped the eave with my fingers. "Just come up through the balcony. Go through my room."
"…Ok." He said after a while, shifting his bag on his shoulder and disappearing from my sight as he walked to the front door.
'Don't let me be gone.'
My mind drifted again as I waited for him. It was weird. It was almost the end of the school year and Eren was the only person I felt close enough to to invite to my house. I guess it had something to do with his determination to stick by my side like glue every second of the day. I don't even see how he could stand to deal with me all the time. Brat.
Suddenly, his head appeared below my dangling foot and he turned to look up, as if wondering what to do. He walked over to the place where the edge of the roof was closest to him and latched onto it, trying to haul himself up.
He was doing a really shitty job at it.
In the end, I had to get up and walk over to him myself, bending down to offer my hand.
"I don't understand," he said as I pulled him up. "How is it that you have an easier time getting up here than I do, yet you're shorter than me?"
A vein pulsed in my temple. "Don't make me drop you."
"Sorry," Eren apologized, but that shit-eating grin told me he was anything but sorry.
"Tch." I was so tempted to drop him, but that smile made the corner of my mouth twitch.
Once he was up, we went to sit looking out over all the stereotypical, suburban houses.
"So this is why you come up here," Eren marveled, looking around. "It's so nice."
"I guess," I replied. I guess the view was ok.
Suddenly, he looked at me, as if he just noticed something. "Hey! You're not wearing a hoodie!"
I rolled my eyes. "What? You thought my wardrobe only consisted of jeans and hoodies?"
He blushed a little. "No, I just thought… you know, 'cuz you wear one all the time."
"Huh. Then I guess you don't know much about me."
"But I know almost everything," Eren smiled. "Like how we have the same taste in music and that you're a clean freak."
My eyes flashed toward him. "Oh? And is that all you found interesting?"
"No, of course not!" he said indignantly. "You also like to read, you're actually really smart, you just don't care enough to apply yourself, and you're actually nice you just deny it. Your favorite food is macaroni and cheese and—"
"Who the hell said if my favorite food was macaroni and cheese?"
He blinked. "But didn't you tell Hanji—?"
"I only told her that so she would stop asking."
"Oh… Then what is it?"
"Steak."
"Really?"
"No."
"Well then what?!"
I couldn't stop from smirking a little. "I guess you will have to find out."
He puffed his cheeks a little, pouting.
'I want to be known by you.'
I smirked a little wider. "You're just dying to know, aren't you?"
He abruptly turned to face me, his legs crossed and his hands tucked under his ankles. He looked like a kid. "Yes."
We just sat there for a few seconds, me looking at Eren in silent amusement and Eren glaring at me with those eyes of his, as if he were trying to make me tell him just by looking at me.
I did something totally different though, something I don't regret: I kissed him.
It wasn't anything 'steamy' or some shit like that, it only lasted seconds.
A simple, light kiss, but it was warm.
When I pulled away, I saw that Eren's cheeks were slightly pink and his eyes were wide in surprise.
"What?"
"N-Nothing," he said quietly, sitting forward so that he looked over the houses again, but he was closer to me than he had been earlier.
At some point, his hand sought mine. Our fingers brushed and he timidly tried to entwine them. I didn't even think as I acted accordingly, allowing his fingers to smoothly lace between mine. We sat there well into the afternoon, just watching the sky grow steadily darker as the sun set behind us.
'I'm no good without you.'
A/N: All of the following songs were referenced:
The Judge
Tear in my Heart
Car Radio
Ride
Goner
Polarize
Doubt
And all of them are by this amazing band called "Twenty-One Pilots" that I literally found yesterday and fell in love with. If you really like this, I suggest you check them out because there are just awesome! XD
Please review below!
