Union Station Revisited

Author's Note:

I don't own them, but you knew that already.

(This story takes place about a year after Dr. Greene's death –  sometime last season)

Dr. Susan Lewis sighed heavily as she slipped the key into the lock and opened her apartment door. Another fourteen hour day, she thought, and I'll be the patient instead of the doctor. It didn't help that Kerry was being her usual accommodating and helpful self – she'd spent the entire shift reminding Susan of just why she'd hated her eight years ago when she first came to County, back when Mark was still there to run interference between them.

Susan sighed again as she slipped her shoes off and walked straight through her apartment to the bathroom, where she turned the hot water tap as far as she could stand and let the steaming water fill the bathtub. A whole bottle of this stuff, she thought, taking her bubble bath from the shelf, is not enough for tonight. She poured a generous amount under the stream of running water, and waited until the tub was as full as it could be without overflowing before she climbed inside.

Now this was the way to end a rotten day, she thought as she sank back into the water, the only way to end a day like today.

After all, it was today. Every time she'd written the date on a chart, or glanced at a calendar, remembering what today had been made her catch her breath. Even if there hadn't been an ER full of patients, or Kerry being her charming self, just remembering the anniversary would have made it a lousy day.

Six years ago today she had lost her chance. Six years ago today she boarded that train and went off to what she thought was better – in the end, she only lost what might have been the one opportunity she had.

"I'll never forget you," She had said, and it was true. It would always be true. But is that really what you say when someone tells you they love you? Someone confesses to you the true depth of how they feel and you get on the train anyway?

Six years, and she was still regretting stepping on that train. If she had it to do over again, she would have turned around, and she would have stayed. If she had known what she was losing as that train pulled away, she would have fought to keep it. Instead off she went, chasing rainbows and an elusive happiness because of a million reasons that made sense then but didn't now. If she had really been meant to leave, why had she come back?  It was clear to Susan now, with the twenty-twenty vision of hindsight, that she had been given a chance, and she let it go. Now she had no choice but to live with the consequences.

The consequences had been made painfully clear to Susan that day, quite unintentionally, when Elizabeth had come in to the ER to retrieve some charts she wanted to complete during her days off. She had brought little Ella with her and the nurses were so excited to see the cute little girl who was the exact image of her father. Elizabeth took their compliments with the smile she'd acquired since Mark's death – a smile that still had some sadness tucked around the edges. Susan had been too busy to join in, although she'd said hello to Elizabeth like always, and she had concealed the little stab of pain she always felt when she looked at Ella. If she had stayed, maybe she would be the one cuddling a little girl who looked like Mark, the part of him that was still alive. She envied Elizabeth – not only because she had Ella, but because she had been the one to share Mark's last years, last months, last days. Elizabeth had been the one who took the place that could have been hers. She didn't dislike Elizabeth – actually, she thought a great deal of her. But she couldn't help but look at her and envy the fact that she could grieve and people would understand – it was her right, it was expected of her. Susan felt she had to carefully conceal her grief over Mark because no one would understand. It wasn't her place. She had only been his friend, most people thought, and the expiration date on that kind of grief surely ran out after a year.

So she kept it to herself, but today had just reminded her of how much she still had to regret.

The phone rang, startling Susan out of her thoughts. Should she get up and answer it? No – that's what answering machines are for. She leaned her head back against the tile and listened as her voice rang out through the apartment.

"Hello, I'm not in right now, but leave a message after the tone. Thanks."

"Hello, Susan? This is John Carter. I had a question about a patient from today, but it's not that urgent. Call me when you get a chance, you know the number."

Carter. Susan wanted to laugh. Six years ago, when she left, he was a brand new surgical resident, still tripping over his own feet like a puppy, eager to please but just as concerned about doing what was right for his patients. Before that, he had been a medical student assigned to the ER, looking to her and Mark for answers. When she came back, she was happy to see what he'd made of himself, but it was hard to see him even now as anything but a medical student. He'd had a crush on her back then, and they'd tried dating when she came back, but there was no way it was going to work – she still saw him as a that young, eager kid, no matter how far he had come.

At least, she thought, she had come back in time. She had come back in just enough time to help Mark, to spend even a little time with him near the end. And she could be proud of herself for doing the right thing when he came to her – she had sent him back to Elizabeth. She could at least hold on to the knowledge that when it counted, she had done the right thing.

Susan sighed again. The water had begun to get cold, and she pulled the drain plug and climbed out. After making herself a cup of tea, she curled up on the couch.

It's silly to sit here like this, she thought, just to regret a decision made six years ago. At the time, she had been absolutely certain it was the right decision, but now… well, what was the point?

Life goes on, she thought. Every day she saw people confronted by both the most horrible tragedies of life as well as the greatest joys – and each day she watched as people she didn't even know picked up the pieces and soldiered on. It wasn't as if life had to end because of one bad decision.

There were still so many chances to be happy. But still, she knew. No matter what life brought her in the future, somewhere in her heart she would always be leaving, chasing pipe dreams, leaving that chance at love behind.

Somewhere in her heart she would always be looking back, waving from the window of a train, leaving Union Station.