Disclaimer: All elements of Neon Genesis Evangelion are the property of Gainax and ADV. I do not own, nor do I claim to own any part of it. This story is intended for the FREE enjoyment of Eva fanfiction readers everywhere. I do not profit financially in any way shape or form by this.
Description: Eva, the make your own ending story, is about to enter uncharted territory. This is a post Third-Impact epic that will span not just years, but generations into the future. The main protagonists are Shinji, Rei, Asuka and Kaworu. This story has drama, action/adventure, suspense, and romance all in one. While pairings will change during the course of the story, at its heart it will be a S/R and A/K fic. I hope this is enough to peak your interest; I don't want to reveal any more. I'd rather you read it and see if you enjoy it.
Acknowledgements: A big thanks to Datexan, my pre-reader. Even while under the weather, he still does the job for me. Thanks Tex. I'd like to thank the kind folks on Rei-Shinji.cjb.net forum for their support and kind words. I'd also like to thank all my Escaflowne fanfic-readers, who fill me with courage and confidence. You guys are the best. ^_^ I'd also like to thanks Janice, my newest beta-reader who has re-edited this story for me and has done a simply wonderful job with everything she's touched, for me. Thanks Janice. ^_^
Evangelion: The World I Wished For
Chapter 1: The process begins
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Shinji opened his eyes and stared at the crimson sky. Silence, complete silence, was what he first perceived. Silence along with a deep sense of loneliness.
"I'm alone, all alone… again."
Lying on his back, he continued to look up at the sky. The sea of LCL was completely still. The only sound he could hear was the sound of his own respiration.
"I stopped Third-Impact for this? I'm such a fool."
As time passed, Shinji realized that it was getting neither darker nor brighter. In fact, the sun was not visible in the sky at all. Neither were the stars or the moon. The same dim, overcast hue had hung in the sky since he first stepped out of the sea of LCL. Because of this, he had no perception of time.
"How long have I been lying here: minutes, hours, days? I have no idea."
He blinked slowly.
"Is this really the world I wished for? Rei, why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you make me go ahead with Third-Impact? It's not what I wanted, but it would have been better than this."
Tears began to roll from the corners of his eyes, back into his hair.
"Why Rei? Why?"
A glimmer of light from the corner of his eye caught his attention. He slowly turned his head, and in the distance, seemingly standing on the LCL, was Rei Ayanami. Dressed in her school uniform, she looked the same as she did when he saw her the first time he had arrived at Tokyo 3. But had he actually seen her then? He blinked and she was gone. Did he actually see her now?
"Are my eyes playing tricks on me, or am I going insane?"
He turned his gaze back to the sky. As time passed, he fell asleep several times. When he woke, he simply continued to stare at the sky.
"Still no change."
He rationalized that days must have passed by now, or at least he hoped they had. He hoped that thirst or starvation would eventually overtake him, but neither ever came.
"Why? Why?"
He fell back to sleep once again, and in the recesses of his subconscious he heard an answer….
"Because you refuse to make up your mind." An answer came in the soft gentle whisper of a voice deep inside his mind.
"Rei! Is that you? What do you mean, I refuse to make up my mind?"
"As I said, you have not decided what world you wish to exist in. You have not decided what it is you truly want."
"Is that why I'm still here, all alone?"
"Yes." She whispered.
"But I did decide. I wanted the world I came from. I want my old world back."
"Are you sure? Were you happy in that world? Were you loved in that world? Did you have a sense of belonging, a sense of peace?"
"No, I had none of those things."
"And still, that is the world you wish to return to?"
"No, no it isn't."
"So what do you wish for?"
"I don't know." He answered sadly.
"That is why you are here… alone."
Shinji remained silent for a long period of time.
"What must I do to end this loneliness?"
"Decide."
"Decide?"
"Yes."
"I don't understand." In his mind's eye he looked at her with a sense of confusion.
"Decide what it is you truly want."
"But I don't know what I want."
"Yes, you do. You just do not believe you deserve to have it."
"I don't! I don't deserve to be loved! I don't deserve to be happy! I don't deserve a family and friends." He wept. "I don't deserve anything," he whispered between the tears.
"Why?" Rei asked innocently.
"What?" Responding not because he didn't hear the question, but because it surprised him so. He thought the reasons were self-evident. They were to him at least.
"Why do you feel you are unworthy of such things?"
"Be…because I'm dishonest, and sneaky. I'm a liar and a cheat. I'm weak and a coward, and a pervert too. I don't deserve to live." He cried bitterly.
"Yet, here you are."
"I know…" He whispered. "I wish I were dead."
"No, you don't." Rei replied knowingly.
Shinji looked up, surprise written all over his face, then realization dawned. "You're right. I'm too much of a coward to want to die." He hung his head again.
"So what is it you truly want?" The blue-haired angel asked again.
"I… I want… to be able to do those things. I want… to be able… to love. I want… to be able… to bring happiness, not pain to others. I want to be able to… to bring about peace and friendship."
"Why?"
"Because… because when I can do that for others, then… then maybe I'll finally feel as if I deserve these things in return. But now all I bring is pain and sadness and suffering to everyone around me."
"So what you seek is not so much to change the world around you, but rather to change you in your world."
"Yes! I mean, no. I don't want love and peace for myself in a world of suffering and pain." Shinji jerked up. "What I want for me, I want for everyone. That is what I want! Is it possible? Can it really be made to happen?"
"That is entirely up to you, Ikari. Life is not an event, it is a process, and the person you become is determined by how you learn and grow during that process. That is also true for everyone else. All that we can do is help the events in your life direct you to your desired goal. It will be your choice whether you pursue that goal or not." She answered.
"I… I don't understand Ayanami. I don't understand what you're telling me."
"Do not worry Ikari, you will. Now, rest. Let your mind be free. When you awaken, things will be different. Trust me." Rei gave the smallest hint of a smile.
This seemed to reassure Shinji as his subconscious slowly drifted into the darkness of a deep restful sleep.
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AN: Sorry the first chapter is so short, but this is only the setup. The following chapters will definitely be longer. I hope I've peaked your interest. Please let me know if I have by reviewing this chapter. I look forward to reading your comments. Oh, and yes, Asuka was missing. That was entirely intentional. But not to worry Asuka fans, she will be making an appearance soon enough.
A. Amishi