Toaster for Two
I sat upon the marble kitchen counter, dressed in the sexiest lingerie I could dig out from under my bed, poised like a drunk stripper, and licked my pink, chapped lips. I was waiting for Shane Dawson to come to me, and I'd wait all eternity to feel those lotion-soft hands skimming up my armpits. Just the thought of it made me hot.
After waiting several hours, I began to shiver; all I wore was a skimpy bikini thong and a coconut bra, and the air conditioner was just out of my reach down the hall, blasting snowflakes and frozen yogurt through the vents.
Luckily, the front door opened just a while later. I was so lost in my fantasies (which involved licking mustard off of Shane's stomach) that I jumped in surprise when the heavy frame slammed shut. Excitement rose like bile in my throat. Oh my God, this was it! This would be the day I finally laid that shaggy, lesbian-haired brunette! I felt like my heart would explode out of my chest as I listened in silent reverence as his footsteps neared the kitchen. I hoped he would take my behavior well; I'd never been the kind to throw myself at another man's feet and force him to stumble over me. No, I was more of the type to wait outside a man's bathroom door and peek through the crack underneath. You'd be surprised by the sort of view you can get from down there!
Finally, Shane's slender figure slipped past the cheerleading bag stuffed with my inspirational outfits. He frowned, puzzled when he glimpsed the tangled, pointy blonde Yami Yugi wig poking out from under the zipper. Damn, I'd meant for that one to be a secret. I wondered anxiously how excited he'd be when I wore my Lady Gaga mask in bed.
Upon noticing me stretched over the kitchen counter with his glimmering, pink toaster lying between my thighs, Shane's eyes widened and a startled gasp slipped past his red lips. "The fu—Joey?" He exclaimed. "Why, whatever are you doing lying so seductively upon my kitchen counter, dear blonde friend?"
I chuckled confidently—he couldn't possibly reject me…could he? No! He had kissed me! What we had was real, I felt it. "Aye, it is I, Joey," I replied as salaciously as I could. A small fart escaped me; I'd never felt so tense before. Or gaseous. "I see you've been shopping in the make-up isle again, Shane."
"Oh," he mumbled sheepishly, pushing the Cover Girl Berry Red lipstick further into the depths of his jacket's pocket, "you, uh…noticed."
"Of course," I murmured softly. I found it nearly impossible to tear my eyes from the glorious wart centered upon the left side of his nose, imagining myself licking it like one of those candy dots that stick to paper. Only when he blinked in confusion did my gaze fall upon the unusual black hair that protruded from the skin fluctuation. "Thine lips have never shimmered so listlessly, never glowed so beautifully."
He grimaced. "What's between your legs?"
Ah, the toaster! I had nearly forgotten! Winking, I rose up and took hold of the toaster, guiding it to my lips to lick it. "It was to be our exclusive foreplay," I announced lewdly, swiping the tip of my tongue over the cold surface. It tasted like bacon and mayonnaise. Pulling away with disgust, I wondered, "What do you put in this?"
Shane shrugged. "I…don't…know…"
A thought struck me. "Do you ever…you know…do weird things…with this?"
He gulped and laughed nervously. "Oh, Joey. You're so funny." Then he was advancing like a predator, arm outstretched. "Now give me fucking toaster."
I shielded it behind me. "No!"
"Why the hell are you lying on the counter with a toaster and a coconut bra, anyway?!" he exclaimed. "And why the hell is there a Lady Gaga mask on the coat hanger by the front door?"
Smiling, I hooked my fingers around the back of his neck and drew him closer, prepared to lick him with the same tongue that had licked the slick chrome of his toaster. "It no longer matters, my love. We are ankle-deep in sexual tension, have been wallowing in it for some time, and the time has come to act upon it." Then, as an afterthought: "Wherefore art thou Lisa?"
"She's…uh…" Shane was gazing at me with the same flame reflected in my own eyes. His rapt expression was a mirror of mine own, I was sure. "Dammit, Joey, stop staring at me with that intense fire burning in your eyes—I can't think straight!"
"Then…" I whispered, moving my mouth closer to his. "Let us finally…become one."
I drew up the toaster between us, and ran my tongue along a curve. Breathless, he did the same. Lipstick stained the glossy surface as he waggled his tongue like a dog. It was the most erotic thing I've ever seen.
"Joey," he rasped, breath coming out in drowning gulps of air, "I think you're right. We're up to our necks in sexual tension and we've been ignoring it for too long. You've got blonde hair, and mine is brown; however, both of us have messy, luscious hair. We are both Youtubers and we're both super popular. I've got a girlfriend, and you've got lovely green eyes. I've got at fetish for toasters and the color pink, and you've got a pink toaster in your possession. Clearly, we should fuck."
"Indeed we should," I agreed eagerly, lowering the toaster so I could peer closer into his steely eyes. An omnipotence of love welled inside my heart, nearly overwhelming me. "I love you, Shane Dawson. I have since before I even knew you because you're the other half of my heart and you've got thick, lesbian hair. Clearly, this means we should get married."
A broad smile spread across his stained red lips. "Okay," he murmured softly, eyes sparkling, "as long as the toaster can be our ring bearer. It did, after all, bring us together."
"Okay," I replied, bringing him closer for a more awkward dialogue session that would soon end the flashback. "I believe if this were to ever be a French movie, it would be named Toaster for Two."
"Oh yes, my love!" Shane cried passionately. And then, we began to make out like two rabid rabbits.
X
AN: IMPORTANT, SO READ IT.
Shane Dawson. That man is my hero. Has been since I was a four-eyed, fat, socially awkward, middle school freak that waddled around school like a penguin with a limp. And Joey—oh, Joey. He's frickin' hilarious!
I think most of you recall Shane's video regarding shipping—the one about Larry shippers—and if you don't because you've got the memory of a goldfish, or simply because you don't watch the Dawson…well, you're seriously missing out! Okay, I'll explain the basis of it: It's basically a rant about how most kids these days live their lives on the Internet, to the point they've begun to believe all these crazy shippings we've all got goin' on are reality. Now, don't get me wrong, I obviously ship, too, but for those of you in denial, I need you guys to realize that shipping is a joke. It's fun and enjoyable to support a shipment and it gives you something to write about during a rainy day. But please understand: SHIPPING IS FUN BECAUSE IT IS A JOKE. You think I take my OC pairings—like my OC in Dear Bastard or Nikoru/Hiroshi in Ao Oni—seriously? Of course not! I'm a passionate writer, and I enjoy creating my own characters. I don't take other shippings seriously, either—like Puzzleshipping or JohnLock for example. You like Yugi and Joey? Tea and Atem? Think Sherlock should be going at it with Irene like rabbits? Good, great, go bake a cake and eat it, you deserve it.
Anyway, I haven't been true to you guys—uploading like I should—and I'm sorry about that. I know, I know, you all probably want to skin me alive and dropkick me (like I used to accidently do to my Chaos on Sonic Adventure Battle 2). I feel like this is an episode of Scooby Doo—Twinkie-Doo! Where are you?!
Well, here's my response! It's a stupid little tribute to two of my favorite Youtubers: Shane Dawson and Joey Graceffa! Just so you know: I don't ship Shane and Joey. They're a badass tag team, but…just understand, I had to do this. You know those times in your life when you're craving a Popsicle on a sweltering, disgustingly sweaty day? Don't get all perverted now.
So remember: this is a JOKE. It's a stupid tribute, I know…I've got no life…
Rock on, my fluffy, delicious Twinkies! Unless you're a Little Debbie's, then you're ostracized from my audience. Just joking!
Shane, Joey, if you somehow end up reading this, well, I think you are both ankle-deep in sexual tension and you should fuck, obviously. Love ya! Give my regards to Lisa! :]
-Twinkies and her Side Kick, Bon Tianna Jovi
PS: Also, I just noticed Dear Bastard has been wiped off my FanFiction page…I don't know if that's just a fluctuation on my site, but I'll try to re-upload it later.