Chapter One
The sound of a heartbeat was pounding in his ears, and he realized that it was his own. Jacob hated these parties, because they always meant that he had to be around Edward, but perhaps since it was Renesme's party he could withstand all of the noises around him, and Edward as well. He was gazing at her from across the room, not even thinking about anything else as he stood there. She always attracted his complete attention no matter what she did, and that was what scared him sometimes. She could make his heart pound, and his entire wall he had built so that he wouldn't lose control with her always faltered no matter how hard he tried not to allow it to happen. He closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply her scent flowing to him.
He could still sense that Edward was watching him, and he walked towards Nessie sneaking up on her from behind, and lifted her, wrapping his arms around her waist, and spun her around laughing. He heard her squeal, and giggle, "Jake!" She laughed, and continued to spin with him. She always knew who it was, when it came to him, and her laughing continued even after he placed her gently back onto the ground. She was still overcome with giggles, and before long he watched her spin around, and look at him. She was beautiful, and he had been there for her now for Seven years of her life. Seven. Seven years he had withheld the torment that happened whenever she was near to him. His entire body always told him how much he needed her.
He gazed back towards Edward, and saw a look of contempt, and hatred in his eyes, and within seconds he also saw that Bella was by his side grabbing him gently by the arm, and guiding him away, giving Jacob a nod, and a smile so that nothing bad would be happening to ruin Nessie's day. Jacob's glance fixed back on Renesme, and she was gazing at him from the eyes of a Seventeen year old even though her age said she was Seven she was really about the size of a Seventeen year old, and that was all he could see. She shook her head at him, "I just wanted to say Happy Birthday Nessie" He said gently to her, and lifted his hand to stroke a strand of her hair behind her ear so that he could see her beautiful brown eyes. Bella's eyes. He shook his head at the thought.
Jacob watched her seeing her giggle again slightly, and say, "Jake, you have said that about twenty times now!" She said, and gently caressed his cheek. He felt his heart rapidly pounding in his chest as she touched him, and his entire body went ridgid as he contained himself from kissing her. He had only kissed her a few times before on the lips, and every time he had he had nearly lost control with her. It was painful for him to be able to kiss her, but not have anything more, and it was hard for him to restrain himself, but he had done it. For her. She cocked her head lightly to the side, and smiled at him. He felt a blush creeping across his russet cheeks as she mentioned all the times he had said it before, and he shook his head with a laugh.
"I love saying it though..." He told her, and shrugged lightly as he felt her eyes searching his happily. He couldn't even remotely think about anything except for her. She was always in his mind, and that was never going to change. He allowed a smile to cross his features, and he saw her eyes gaze over towards Edward who was being pulled away by Bella, and she immediately knew that they needed to leave the room. Edward was probably picking at Jacob's brain with a fine tooth comb, and he could tell she knew that much. She turned her vision back on him, and lifted her hand lightly tugging on his arm, "C'mon" She said lightly before pulling him out the front door, and he followed right behind her not wanting to leave her side regardless. He walked down the steps of the front porch, and towards the grass. It was long, and green his bare feet brushed against the thick strands, and he continued to walk behind her. She pulled him all the way to the old swing set, and instant memories played there for him. He remembered when she was maybe two he would easily push her on the swing set, and she would giggle, and laugh for hours. Yet he never wanted to spend his afternoons doing anything except making Nessie happy, and even if he tried lying to himself it was still the same. He would never not want to be with Nessie helping her out in every way possible. Especially today. It was her birthday, and he had promised he would spend it with her no matter what happened.
He watched as she easily pumped her feet pushing the swing back, and forth as her blond hair cascaded down her back, and blew easily in the wind. He couldn't help, but watch her, and his heart started to beat quickly in her chest as he continued to observe, and she looked up at him stopping the swing abruptly, and her hues locked on his, "Whats wrong Nessie?" He asked his voice wavering slightly, as he could see the confusion in her brown hues as she continued to search his eyes for something, but he couldn't quite place what she was looking for in them. He leaned himself against the side of the pole, and slipped his fingers into his pockets knowing that she was going to question him. He could sense it in his heart.
"If I asked you to do something would you do it?" She asked him her eyes refusing to look away from him, and his own eyes adverted to the ground. He couldn't quite understand what she would want from him, that he hadn't already given to her, and his entire body was willing him to kiss her again. Something that he tried so hard not to do. Her entire life all he had tried to do was keep her safe, and away from all of the chaos that his own life had held. He had even kept what him, and Bella used to have a secret all of her life. He hadn't told her a thing.
"It depends..." He told her his voice trailing off as his hues remained transfixed on the dirt, and her own curious hues tried to catch his again, and she leaned down her eyes never leaving his face, but no matter how hard she tried he wouldn't allow her to look him in the eyes, "Kiss me" She requested, and his heart sped immensely his eyes remained on the ground as every fiber of his being told him to do it. Take her right there while she was willing, and kiss her with all the passion his body possessed. But he couldn't do it... He knew that he couldn't do it. How could he? He wouldn't be able to stop himself if he did.
"I can't..." He told her shaking his head removing his hands from his pockets allowing them to dangle for a few seconds before one ran quickly through his hair, and he forced his body to stand up straight, away from the pole that held together the swing set. He couldn't hurt her like that, he knew the kiss would go much farther. She had requested that before, and he had always told her no, and when he had kissed her a few times before they had always been more like peck's that a father would pass to his daughter after years of devotion simply, because that was all he could muster without going all the way with her. It would kill him if he ended up raping her. He wouldn't be able to stop, and she wasn't strong enough to push him away.
"Why won't you!" She stood from the swing set the chains clinking, and her hands balling into fists at her side. He had angered her, and he knew it deep down inside. He knew that he was causing her pain that he hadn't meant to cause, but didn't she understand it was for her own good? He couldn't explain to her why, because he didn't want her to know that he was a monster, or at least to think of him as one, "It's my BIRTHDAY!" She shouted at him, "You always do this! You won't kiss me, god you won't even look at me!" Tears were welling in her eyes he could sense them, because he felt the aching feeling that she did in her gut, "You know I cry myself to sleep, because of you!" She hit him low, and he felt her fingers on his cheek, and his eyes automatically closed.
Visions from the past few years rushed through his head. She wasn't lying all of her visions from the past few years rushed into him, and they were all of her crying curled into a ball holding a teddy bear. When she allowed him to think again, by pulling her hand away he gazed up at her again, "You have no idea how hard it is to want someone every day, and need that person, and not be able to have them!" He shouted back at her his hands clenching into fists the visions made him angry, though not at her, more towards himself, "I can't kiss you, I just can't! Alright!" He shouted back, and she glared at him. Her fingers digging into the skin of her hands, and she was crying at last tears rolling down her pale cheeks her blond hair still flying astray in the wind.
"How do you know that I have never wanted anyone!" She retorted, "You don't really care about me do you?" and his eyes flicked closed his heart pounding in his chest as he gazed down towards the ground. He couldn't remotely even think straight as he tried to comprehend her words. She had a desire like he did? He didn't care! She didn't have a clue the kind of hold she had over him. She was the one person that could cause his body to go into an overload. Everything was possible when she was around. He could easily fall into any trap with just one little kiss from her. His body would react accordingly, and in a very intense fashion that would not be tolerated in any other sense, and even the thought churned his stomach. He didn't think that hurting her was even an option, and that was what refrained him from kissing her.
"You don't have any idea, what it is like to want someone, and need someone like I do you!" He told her, "Don't you dare tell me that I don't care about you, don't even think it!" He growled his heart pounding in his overheated chest, and his hues staying focused on hers. She knew how to anger him, almost as well as she knew how to force his desire to increase by about 200 percent, in little over a minute. He was still trying to imagine, how she could even have said what she just had to him. Accused him of not caring about her? He lived for her, and breathed because she breathed. His life had stopped being his own on the day she was born. It had become hers, because he lived for her, and only her. He closed his eyes inhaling deeply. That would be the way it was till the day he died.