The vending machine was out of Tastykakes again. Muttering to himself, Craig headed to the cafeteria, trying not to think about the percentage of germ-covered surfaces he was likely to encounter.
Head down, he was studying the notes on his arm as he rounded the corner and slammed into a pipe.
"AAAHHH!" The pipe grabbed him and collapsed, dragging him with it.
Craig let out a small yell of his own before realizing that the pipe was, in fact, human. A freakishly tall man with dark, shaggy hair and a mis-buttoned blue shirt under his standard Aperture lab coat.
"Blimey!" the main said. "Sorry about that, mate! Didn't see you all the way down there!" Grinning, he attempted to disentangle their limbs and stand up.
It was a little bit like watching a drunken newborn giraffe trying to find its feet, and if Craig wasn't being squashed underneath him it might have been more interesting to watch. For science reasons. He tried to wriggle out from under him only to find his hand seized. The man hauled them both upwards and almost toppled them again, babbling the whole time.
"Name's Wheatley," he said, his accent clearly placing him from somewhere on the other side of the ocean. "Dunno if I told you that. Probably important. Introductions and all. Hello! How are you? Not too damaged? I hope?" He was still grinning from ear to ear- almost literally- and pumping Craig's still-captured hand.
"I- I'm fine," Craig said, trying to rescue his hand before it came off. "If- if you'll excuse me…"
"Oh, no need, no need! I think we can agree we both share some of the blame for that one, eh?"
Craig stared up at him, trying to follow the sudden leap in conversation. Wheatley loomed over him like a worried banana. Did he think Craig was apologizing?
"Although it was more your fault than mine, if I'm honest." Wheatley gave a nervous chuckle. "What with you coming around the corner being all tiny and fast, like a… like a hedgehog."
Irritation flashed through him. "A hedgehog's top speed is 12MPH, while a human's is 28."
"Really? I thought they'd be faster. Sort of a little blue blur. O-or pink blur, in your case."
Adjusting his glasses, he attempted to step aside and continue on his way, but Wheatley's hand shot out, catching his wrist.
"Oh, what's this, then?" Without asking for permission, he pushed up Craig's sleeve, exposing his ink-covered arm. "Taking notes? For a test? Is that cheating?" He squinted at it.
"Let me go!" Craig tried to pull away but only dragged himself closer to Wheatley.
"Wait, is there going to be a test? There isn't is there?" Wide blue eyes gazed down at him. "Only this is my first- well, not my first, day, obviously, been here ages, but uh, so what is this, anyway?"
"It's noth-"
Wheatley ran his fingers along Craig's arm and he couldn't quite suppress the shiver that went through him. Heat mixed with an icy stab of fear. The man wasn't even attractive! Much. He was just a big dumb idiot with long, lanky limbs and hair you could twine your fingers in and Sweet Einstein, he was still talking!
"...what is says, of course." His finger traced from side to side as he pretended to read it. "This bit here with the letters and numbers next to each other. Think you made a mistake there. Classic error, mixing those two up."
Clenching his teeth, Craig gave one last tug… and found himself pressed against Wheatley.
"Careful, there!" Wheatley chuckled, smiling down at him. "I think you should at least buy me dinner first, don't you?"
The moment stretched. Craig was frozen in place, his heart hammering while Wheatley stood over him, lips slightly parted. At last realization seemed to dawn. Blinking rapidly, he released Craig and stepped away, clearing his throat.
"Right! Ahem! Well! I'll, uh- I'll just let you go on about your business, then! Good job!" He looked flushed and his grin took on a desperate edge.
Craig straightened his sleeves, trying to compose himself. His tongue felt glued to the roof of his mouth, so rather than try and say anything he nodded and continued past.
"Oh! Er, ah… just one… little thing."
Craig stopped, hunching his shoulders.
"It's a, uh, tiny little thing, really." Wheatley's laugh wobbled. Craig risked turning around to look and saw him wringing his hands.
"You, uh, wouldn't happen to know the way to the cafeteria, would you?"
His heart sank into his toes. Of course. Of course he was going to the cafeteria. After a brief inner debate he gestured down the hall.
"You're going the wrong way. South is only right if you're a hawk or a handsaw." He sighed. "I'll- I'll show you."
"You will? Oh, that's brilliant!" Wheatley beamed like a kid on Christmas morning and bounded over to Craig. "Thanks, mate! I really appreciate this! I swear they changed the halls on me because that place is not where I left it!"
He talked the whole time, getting more wrong than right. Craig tried correcting him only to be subjected to tortured chains of logic as the other man tried to find ways to make himself still be correct. Any uncomfortable feelings he may have been developing were burned away under the sheer weight of illogic pouring forth.
He was dismayed but unsurprised when the towering loon followed him through the line and over to an empty table, still talking. He even tried asking point blank how someone who know so little could get a job at Aperture. Wheatley didn't take the hint but did start getting defensive, claiming to have "keen insights" into how things should be run and that he didn't let himself be "tied down" by facts.
"Facts are important, Craig insisted. "Without them everything would be a mess!"
"Oh, I'm not saying they don't have their uses." Wheatley waved his fork through the air, dripping sauce on the table. "Getting paid, that's a fact I like." He laughed at his own joke. "I just don't see why we have to depend on them. I mean, how do we even know they're facts? Who's making all those decisions, right? Who says gravity has to pull things down? Wouldn't pulling them up be more useful? For- for birds and things?"
Craig opened his mouth to reply but Wheatley plowed on.
"Besides, it's like that box thingy- intercom, the intercom- it's like it said, we're supposed to be throwing things at the wall to see what sticks!" He gave another flick of the fork and Craig recoiled as gravy spattered across his glasses.
"Oops, sorry about that. But it just goes to show-"
"It shows me you're an idiot." He pulled his glasses off and tried to clean them.
"Oi! Not an idiot!" Wheatley scowled. "Just very forward-thinking. Maybe too forward-thinking for you!"
"You're right." Replacing his glasses he grabbed his tray and stood. "Anyone who doesn't believe in gravity is too 'forward-thinking' for me." Traces of grease smeared across the lens made everything blurry, but he could still see well enough to notice they were drawing attention. Ducking his head, he went to dump his tray and leave.
"Are you still going on about that?" Wheatley was following him. "Look, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. Perfectly fine, gravity! It keeps things from flyin' away all the time. I just don't see why it always has to be in the same direction."
They were in the hall by now. Craig turned to confront him, jabbing a finger at his stomach. "It's a basic principle of physics. Bodies are naturally attracted to each other. A body with greater mass attracts bodies with lesser mass!" He paused, realizing what he'd just said.
Wheatley dragged his hair away from his face, rolling his eyes. "Right, so when my mug spills it's really just trying to ask the table out for tea. Thanks for that little science lesson, there, buddy. Whatever your name is."
"Craig," he answered, mostly on reflex. He stepped away, needing more space. "I should go."
"Craig. Right, well, thanks for that oh-so-helpful bit of trivia, Craig." His tone changed from sarcastic to hopeful. "Maybe we can do this again tomorrow? Two colleagues discussing… colleague stuff? Same Bat-time, Same Bat-channel! That- that, uh, was Batman. I was quoting Batman. Don't know if you-"
"I'm very busy." He took another step away, willing the man to stay in place for once. He wasn't entirely sure what was happening, but knew he wanted no part of Wheatley and his special brand of stupid.
"Fine! That's fine! But you've gotta eat sometime, right? I mean-" he laughed, "you're not a robot or anything!. So, lunch? Lunch would be good, right?" He was twisting his tie around his fingers.
"No." He shook his head. "I think I'll be tied up for the foreseeable future."
"OK, OK, so that's a definite 'maybe', then." Grinning, he gave a little wave and started down the hall, almost tripping over a woman coming the other way.
Sighing, Craig started off in the other direction, eager to get back to the safety of his own lab and forget the whole regrettable encounter. And then Rick appeared beside him, grinning.
"Well, well, well! It looks like you made a new friend!"
The smirk put him on guard. "He's not a friend, he's an idiot."
"Uh huh. The two of you looked pretty cozy, there, for someone who's just an idiot."
"Rick…" Craig tried not to worry. After all, this was Rick! They were labmates!
Rick raised his hands, still walking beside him. "Hey, it's fine! I'm just saying. Didn't realize how desperate you were getting." An elbow almost knocked Craig into the wall. "If you need help with the ladies, I know a guy." He paused. "It's me. I'm the guy."
Craig pinched the bridge of his nose and counted to ten. "I don't need any help with the ladies. Fact: Caroline is a lady and she always seems quite impressed with my-"
"Hey!" Rick scowled. "Caroline's off limits. You know I already claimed dibs on her and it's only a matter of time before she succumbs to my charms."
Craig snorted. "You've been doing a great job so far."
Rick fired back with a rude comment and he allowed himself to relax. Uncomfortable topics- and people- were being left behind. Arguing about Caroline would be the perfect distraction for both of them. Caroline was smart and beautiful and in tune with the world around her. He was sure that they'd be able to accomplish amazing things together, if only she'd notice him.
He and Rick bickered companionably for the rest of the afternoon and when he went to sleep that night he resolved never to go to the cafeteria again.