Disclaimer: I do not now, nor will I ever, own DBZ. It belongs to Akira Toriyama.

Anger and Gratitude

Anger (n.) - 1: a strong feeling of displeasure and usu. of antagonism; 2: rage

Gratitude (n.) – the state of being grateful; thankfulness.

I crack my eyes open as the light of dawn filters in the window of my bedroom. The early gray light reveals the form of a short man lying next to me. His head, once bald and shiny, is covered in a short layer of black fuzz, its texture not unlike a tennis ball. I stare at the sleeping man, wondering as I did every morning how I came to be with him. It was illogical, irrational. But for some reason, I never doubted the rightness of my decision to be with him. There was something about him…

Did he make me happy? Sometimes I think so. Other times I'm not so sure. What, exactly, is happiness? I'm sure I used to know. Emotions are foreign to me. I hardly know the difference between joy and anger; both are powerful emotions that try to sway my unwavering rationality. I can't feel them anyway, for the most part. Maybe I used to, back when I was still fully human. Before I was kidnapped and turned into an android by Dr. Gero. I can't remember what it was like to be human anymore. Those memories were either wiped out completely or made inaccessible. It doesn't matter anyway. I live in the here and now. And now, I can't feel emotions because Dr. Gero implanted a device in my brain to suppress my human emotions. When the chemicals in my brain start acting up, it exerts its power over my organic brain, returning me to mechanical stoicism and apathy.

That doesn't mean to say that I don't feel emotions at all. No, I feel them for a fraction of a second and then they're gone. It's during that brief time that I am able to figure out what emotion I should be feeling in response to a particular stimulus. That's how I know what emotion to fake. Counterfeit emotions, that's all I have. I recognize what emotion I would have if it weren't for that infernal device, and then I copy the behavior expected to result from whatever that emotion is. It's mostly effective. I've been able to fool the humans around me into believing I can experience genuine emotions. But I can't. Frustrating as this can be, I have learned that there are some things humans call emotions that are actually much deeper than frivolous emotions. I know, because I have learned these things – and I don't have to fake them.

It's hard to pin down the exact time and place where I started having a sort of attraction to my husband. He told me the moment he started having feelings for me was after I fought with Vegeta on the deserted road shortly after my brother and I were activated. I didn't kill his friends, and then I kissed his cheek. I still don't know why I ever did that, but I suppose, in a way, it was a good thing I did. Who knows what would have happened had I not? Would he have been willing to deactivate and destroy me before Cell could absorb me? If not, would he have been willing to save me after Cell regurgitated me? Would he have wished for the explosives in my body to be taken away by the eternal dragon? Would he have ever pursued me?

The best conclusion I've come up with is that I started becoming attracted to him when he took me to the Lookout after the Cell Games.

…

He was so innocent and naïve. As soon as she woke up she was immediately on the defensive, surrounded by all the Earth's warriors who were equally distrusting of her. She was frantically trying to figure out how it was that she was still alive. The last thing she remembered was being sucked into that monster's…she doesn't want to think about it. Then, lo and behold, she's alive and well in some place she didn't recognize with the short, bald man hovering over her with concern etched clearly on his face. She resented his concern.

Confusion was her first reaction. After waking up, surrounded by hostile warriors in unfamiliar territory, she leaped to her feet ready to defend herself, all the while searching through her memory bank to figure out what was going on. Then they explained it to her: Cell was dead, killed by Gohan. Then she learned that the bald man – Krillin – had a 'crush' on her. A crush? Really? He didn't even know her! That was when she felt the stirrings of anger for a split second. She could feel the emotion being triggered before it was blocked like always. Trusting her human instinct, she went with it.

"Expect me to fall at your feet now? Big, strong boy rescues me so I'm his forever, right? Not that easy. I was wrong about you, Krillin," she shouted amongst the outbursts of his stupid friends. She knew she would have been furious had she still been connected with her emotions. She was always independent. She didn't ever want anyone to 'rescue' her and she hated chivalry and benevolent sexism. She honestly thought he only did it so she would fall in love with him. She thought he was a pathetic fool.

Acting on the emotion she didn't feel, she turned and left. She was flying down from the Lookout when the sky turned pitch black and a light shaped like a snake coiled through the sky. She had never seen anything like that before. Deciding to investigate, she went back to the Lookout and hid behind a pillar of the palace while she observed what the group of people there were doing. Her anger was temporarily forgotten, instead replaced by amazement when she saw the lavender-haired boy come to life after they wished for all the people Cell killed to be brought back to life. It was impossible! She was frozen in place. She had to see what would happen next as they tried to figure out a way to bring Goku back as well.

The dragon was getting rather impatient as they tried to think of a wish after Goku told them he didn't want to be brought back. Had he been a fire-breathing dragon she was sure he would have incinerated them by that point.

But then Krillin spoke up. "I'd like you to change Android 17 and 18 into human beings so they can live their lives in peace."

The dragon was silent for a moment that seemed to stretch for hours, then told him, "That wish cannot be granted now. It is beyond my power to do so."

She wondered what he was doing. There was no reason for him to make a wish like that.

"I have one more wish. Could you take the explosives out of the androids' bodies? That shouldn't be too hard, right?"

"I can. There, it has been done."

She felt different. Not bad, just…strange. As if a part of her was missing, but it wasn't a part that she really needed – or wanted – anyway. She didn't know what to make of it. Was the explosive really gone that easily? Was she that much closer to being human again? She heard the others talking and tried to overhear what they were saying.

"Dr. Gero's the one that made her into an android. She hasn't done anything wrong!" Krillin told them.

She felt the briefest stirrings of anger again, but instead of it being instantly repressed by the device installed in her brain, she was overcome with something deeper than an emotion, something that couldn't be repressed by any machine in her body. She felt…grateful. It was something she hadn't felt in a very long time because, frankly, it had been a very long time since she had had anything to be grateful for. But here was a man, a man who she had basically rejected only minutes earlier, giving up a wish for anything to help her. It was unbelievable.

They asked him why he wished to bring Seventeen back too. Krillin answered that he wanted her to be truly happy, and she would be happy with Seventeen because he thought he was her boyfriend. She scoffed. Her boyfriend? The split-second feeling of anger arose again.

"Hey, bonehead! Seventeen is my twin brother!" she yelled over to them. It was satisfying to see Krillin's surprise and embarrassment flushing his cheeks as he mumbled something incoherent.

"No, this is excellent, you dope. That guy's her twin brother!" Yamcha cheered.

"I wouldn't celebrate if I were you! If you think you've won my heart because of that stupid wish, you're mistaken. I didn't ask for your help!" She turned to leave, then glanced over her shoulder as she continued in a softer tone, "But, it was really nice of you."

Krillin gaped at her. "It was? You mean you're not mad at me?"

Shouldn't she be? "Not really, no."

"Oh, then would you like to come over and join us?"

"No thanks," she answered before flying off the Lookout again. She didn't think she should be angry with him anymore. If she was capable of being grateful for what he had done for her, then it was surely inappropriate to also act angry. She got her bonus points by pointing out that he thought Seventeen and she were a couple. How absurd.

They may have turned out to be nice people, but she didn't want to be around them. She didn't really know them, and anyway, she wanted to be by herself for a while. She finally had her freedom since Dr. Gero was dead. Cell wasn't out there hunting her down to absorb her anymore. So…what was there for her? She couldn't return to her old life even if she could remember what that life was. And she had no idea where Seventeen was. Who else was there for her to turn to? She had nothing. No one. It was an unwelcome realization.

She felt the beginning of anger again as she landed in a peaceful meadow. Tall grass, wildflowers, the buzzing of insects flitting through the scratchy blades, it should have awakened a sense of peace or enjoyment. But she wanted to destroy all of it, to express the anger she should have felt. She was empty inside, and that was more frustrating than anything. She wanted to feel something authentic. She wanted to be human again. She wanted more than anything for the dragon to have been able to grant Krillin's first wish. Why couldn't she be human again? Why would she forever be the android that that monster Gero created her to be? Why was she stolen from her old life, never to live normally again? Krillin wanted her and Seventeen to be able to live in peace. That would be possible, but couldn't she live normally? Like a human? There was no way. She had no identity anymore aside from the one given to her by her insidious creator.

Instead of feeling the anger she thought she was justified to feel, all she had were these questions swimming through her mind. Her life was stolen from her and now she would never die, and she couldn't even be a little upset about it! She felt a tinge of despair before it was squelched by the emotion-inhibitor. Then she felt another brief pang of anger when she couldn't even wallow in self-pity over her existence. Clenching her petite hands into fists, she flew over the field and threw a glowing ball of hot pink energy into the center of the serene pasture. One might have thought she simply did it for the sheer destruction since she wasn't angry about anything. But she should have been angry, and that was why she lashed out at nature. She was unnatural, some sort of abomination, and she wanted to be angry about it! She tried hard to force herself to feel the emotion, but it wouldn't come, or if it did it was immediately taken away from her. The unfairness of it would have been infuriating if she could stay mad.

Despite the destruction, she stayed in the pasture for days, continuously mulling over her poor lot in life. Anger and other emotions would come and go quicker than she could latch on to them and feel. All she wanted was to figure out where to go from there. She had no idea where her brother was and she didn't know a single thing about her former life as a human, not even her real name.

Then one late, dreary afternoon, she looked up in the rainy sky and saw a small figure hovering above the pasture, apparently unable to decide if it wanted to come closer or flee. Eventually it decided to approach, as it dropped out of the sky several yards away. Without the rain splattering on her optic sensors, she could now see clearly that it was Krillin who had come. Had he been searching for her or did he just happen to stumble upon her? She figured it didn't really matter why he had come. What was important was the fact that he had.

She slicked back her wet, muddy hair from her face, tucking it behind her ears, trying to be somewhat inviting rather than shunning him as she had before. The small gesture must have been effective because he took a few quick, hesitant steps forward before pulling a backpack off his shoulders she hadn't noticed. From it he pulled a fluffy white towel and a thick wool blanket. He handed the first to her and watched silently as she accepted it and wiped the rain from her face and squeezed her hair with it. Seconds later she was wet again and the towel was saturated with water, but she felt that odd thing again: gratitude. There was no question about it, he had come in search of her. Maybe he had already known where she was, already knew what to bring to make her more comfortable.

"Thanks."

He shuffled his feet nervously, taking the soggy towel back from her. "Would you like to come with me? To, you know, get out of the rain…"

She stood up, her shoes sliding a little in the mud. Looking down at herself, she realized how soaked through her clothes were. They clung to her skin and the rain dripped off them; her shirt and jeans were already so wet the water couldn't sink in. She nodded. "Okay."

"Here," he said, handing her the warm blanket to wrap up in. "I thought you might be cold."

She wasn't cold. Since being transformed into an android, she had a built-in heating mechanism. Temperature no longer affected her. But he didn't need to know that. With a small smile expressing her lingering gratitude, she took the blanket from him and wrapped it around her shoulders. As he took to the air, waiting for her to follow, she wondered why he was going out of his way to be kind to her. She hadn't shown any interest in him at the Lookout days earlier. Was it because of that silly kiss she gave him on the road in the mountains? She had only been toying with him. They didn't talk as they flew away, soon making it out of the rainstorm. The sun beat down on their backs as they continued on, warming them.

An hour later, they reached the ocean. The blue waves crashed on the beach, but Krillin flew over the water, frequently checking over his shoulder to make sure she was still with him; it wasn't as if he could sense her presence. She wasn't quite sure why, but she followed him all the way to a tiny island in the middle of the blue expanse. There was a small pink shack with the words "KAME HOUSE" painted in red on the side. Several palm trees grew up around the shack, and out on the beach there was an old man with a long beard sitting in a lawn chair reading some sort of magazine. It was on this island that Krillin landed, smiling at her encouragingly when he saw her reluctance to join him on the sandy shore.

"I know it's not anything fancy," Krillin mumbled, tapping his index fingers together, "but this is where I've been staying. That's Master Roshi. Would you like to come inside and get dried off? Or – or maybe you want something to eat? Or –"

She shook her head, but a small smile played on her lips. How could she have ever been angry with him? He didn't do what he did because he expected a reward for his kindness. He did it because he genuinely cared. He only wanted to make her feel comfortable. While she wasn't sure about entering his home, she could hardly reject him again. Gratitude was becoming a common feeling for her when he was around. She didn't fully understand it, but she wasn't complaining. For the first time since being activated as an android, she could feel something real. And no device implanted in her brain was making the feeling go away. She decided, then, that she might give Krillin a chance. If he could awaken some sort of feeling in her, make her feel just a little bit human again, he was the kind of person she wanted to be around.

"I'd like to clean up."

"Oh! Yeah, no problem." Krillin blushed as he opened the front door and beckoned for her to go in ahead of him. Almost shyly, she stepped across the threshold and surveyed the room before she heard Krillin calling to her to follow him upstairs. He showed her into a small bathroom. It was cramped, but there was a porcelain sink with a mirror hanging above it, a toilet, and a shower stall. Fresh white towels hung on a metal bar on the back of the door and there was a bottle of shampoo in the shower and a bar of soap. Definitely lacking in luxury, but it was nice. More than she could have asked for, at any rate.

She fingered her pearl necklace as she took in the small room. "I don't suppose you would have any clothes for me to change into."

Krillin's eyes widened for a moment. He hadn't even thought of that. "I'm sure there's something around here for you to wear. I'm not sure how well it would, uh, would fit you, but I can f-find something."

She gave another curt nod, then pushed a tangled, damp strand of hair behind her ear. "Thank you, Krillin."

"I'll just, uh, I'll set the clothes outside the door here," he mumbled as he backed out of the bathroom, closing the door on his way.

She stared at the closed door for a minute before turning the lock on the doorknob. Whether she was grateful for his hospitality or not, she still wasn't sure how far she could trust him. Then, feeling somewhat safer, she started peeling her soggy clothes off, wringing them out in the sink before dropping them on the cool tile floor. Then she got in the shower and turned the water to lukewarm. She imagined the gentle spray of water would have made her feel happy once, but now she felt nothing but the sensation of droplets of water beating against her back and shoulders before dripping down her legs, carrying the accumulated dirt with it. For a long while she stood there, watching the dirty water swirling down the drain.

She was startled when she heard a soft knock on the bathroom door, then relaxed when she heard Krillin's muffled voice telling her the new clothes were there. She had no idea where he would have gotten any women's clothing, but she dismissed the thought and turned around, closing her eyes as the water splashed on her face and trickled down her neck and chest. Finally, she picked up the shampoo bottle and squirted a dollop of it into her hands and worked it into her filthy, mussed up hair until the suds were a dark gray from the dirt. How had she gotten so dirty? She never would have let her hygiene become so poor before. But there was a thin layer of slime coating her body that the water was having trouble rinsing off, no doubt a last gift from Cell. Her body had been tossed in the dirt while the slime was still fresh, and then she had blown up the pasture and stood in the cloud of dust. She hadn't bathed since then, and the rain hadn't washed all the dirt off her body.

Once her hair was clean, she picked up the faintly scented bar of soap and started scrubbing her body with a ferocity that left her skin pink and raw. She was desperate to wash off the last remains of her horrifying experience with Cell, letting it flow down the drain where it could be forgotten forever. She felt another twinge of anger like a tiny pinprick in the back of her mind. Memories of the monster Cell always brought the briefest feeling of anger with them. And she wanted to feel the anger, wanted to seethe with it, stew in her fury until she trembled and she could feel it burning in her chest like fire. But she couldn't. It was always gone as soon as it came. Seeing no point in faking the emotion for the time being, she finished rinsing and turned the shower off, then stepped out and took one of the towels from the rack to dry herself.

After she dried, she combed her hair with her fingers and cracked the door open, peeking out to make sure no one was around. Satisfied when she didn't find anyone spying on her, she snatched the pile of clothes from the floor and quickly shut the door, locking it again. She unfolded the clothes and found Krillin had given her a pair of denim shorts, a plain blue t-shirt with the Capsule Corporation logo on the left breast, and some underclothes. She could imagine the bright red blush adorning his cheeks as he picked those out for her. The thought made her smile a little as she purposely ignored the hint of outrage. She was much more inclined to indulge in the feeling of thankfulness over anger this time.

She put the clothes on, noting how well everything fit her. The shirt was a little large, as if designed for someone with a larger bust, but she didn't mind. It wasn't a particularly stylish ensemble, nothing she would have picked out for herself, but she realized that there probably wasn't much women's clothing to be found on the little island. Before leaving the bathroom, she picked up her wet clothes and went downstairs where she thought she would find Krillin.

He was in the kitchen humming some song horribly off-key when she came down. Hearing her amused snort, he spun around and rubbed the back of his head, smiling sheepishly as color flooded into his cheeks. "Hey, you look good – I mean, not that you didn't before, er, I mean, what I meant to say was—"

"I'm not offended."

"Oh. Well, good." He looked down at the clothes she held in her hand and pointed to them. "Would you like to hang them up to dry? Roshi doesn't have a dryer, but there's a clothesline out back."

"Sure." She walked past him on the way to the back door of Kame House. As she passed him, she touched his smooth head with the tips of her fingers, giving him a smile that expressed without words the strange feeling that bloomed inside her every time he said or did anything kind for her. Her pale blue eyes turned to the counter to see what he was doing when she walked in. "By the way, I don't like mustard."

…

I watch as he cuts two turkey sandwiches in half, one with mustard, one without. It seems like I've known him all my life, but he still fascinates me. I suppose, in a way, I have known him all my life; at least, my life as an android. Dr. Gero programmed all known information about all the earthling warriors in my brain, so I know all about Krillin's fighting techniques, quirks, battle tendencies, background information, and alliances. But what has that really told me about him as a man? It certainly didn't tell me that this was a man worth marrying. No, he built my trust all on his own. I was actually programmed to take a ruthless attitude toward him, killing him if he got in the way of my ultimate purpose: killing Goku and uniting with Cell.

I'm satisfied that I didn't follow through with Dr. Gero's plans for me. Krillin is a wonderful husband. Since the first day we met he has been nothing but kind and considerate, always putting my needs – few as they are – above his own. He has worked to learn more about me, and rather than feeling the start of anger or even mild irritation that he wants to know about me, I feel a sort of flattery that feeds into the sense of gratitude I've had toward him since that day on the Lookout when he made the wish that brought back a tiny piece of my humanity.

I could be angry every day of my life. There are plenty of stimuli that could create such a reaction (most of which are related to the Turtle Pervert), and I could act on the anger I should be feeling. Sometimes I do. I punch Roshi, or slap him, or kick him into the ocean. I sometimes even yell at my husband or make a cruel, snide remark when he displeases me, but that doesn't happen very often. I can't say I'm happy because I don't honestly know what it means to be happy, but I can say with sincerity that I am grateful for the life I have, the life Krillin offered me one day in the rain when he invited me to come with him. On a leap of faith I followed, and I haven't regretted it.

A/N: I know in the poll not many of you voted for a K/18 story, but I started this one a few months ago and I finished it in about a week. It's going to be short, obviously, but I hope you enjoy it. So, please review!

All definitions taken from Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 11th ed.

Beta'd by lilpumpkingirl