When she woke a few hours later the hazy light of the setting sun poured through the window and fell on Tim's face. He was awake and had turned over in the bed so that he was facing her. In her sleepy state she briefly made eye contact but closed hers again with a sigh and prepared to vacate the bed. She was halted in her progress by the feel of his fingertips being gently brushed over her jaw bone. Evie froze and opened her eyes again; Tim's gaze had left them to fall on what she suspected was a nasty bruise, judging by the pain emanating from the light contact.
"I did that." He said. It was a statement rather than a question. Evie squeezed her eyes tightly shut for a moment, relieved that he was finally calm, she forced herself to breath slowly and quietly and tried to think of how she could get back into her own bed without provoking him again. When she didn't respond Tim removed his gaze from her jaw and back to her eyes, what she saw in that gaze forced a soft gasp from between her lips.
The beautiful large green eyes that she had fallen head over heels in love with had long since been dulled by the illness that had taken her future from her. They had become blank and staring windows into the clouded reality of Tim's mind, a harsh and constant reminder of what he had become and all that she had lost. Now though they were brighter, brought to life by the added dimension of emotion and shone with intelligence and lucidity.
The pink glow of the sunset gave the scene a dreamlike quality and Evie was afraid to speak, terrified the sound would shatter this delicate moment and she would wake up.
"Tim?" she managed eventually in a strangled whisper.
He moved his hand to rest on her neck and used his thumb to stroke her cheek.
"I'm sorry" he replied softly, his expressive eyes searching her face.
Evie shook her head and placed her hand over Tim's, "don't worry about it, my darling" tears slipped over her nose and dampened the pillow beneath her other cheek "it wasn't you." She turned her face a little and pressed her lips hard into the heel of his palm.
"Hey" said Tim with a reassuring chuckle, wiping the tears from her face before shifting closer so that he could place a loving kiss on her forehead "don't cry sweetheart, it's okay."
Evie let out a sob at his affectionate tone, his kind words and his intimate touch. She had lost all hope of seeing him like this ever again. Tim continued to stroke her hair and cheek patiently while she regained her composure.
"Yeah" she sniffed, "yeah, it is." Mirroring Tim, Evie brought her own hand up to run her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.
"Good." Tim smiled, a genuine warm smile, full of love and laughter. "Do you want to watch a movie?"
Evie wanted to cry. She wanted to bury her face in Tim's chest, hold him tight and never let go. More than anything she wanted to pad into the kitchen and make up some popcorn while Tim readied a cheesy RomCom in the bedroom, then she wanted to get under the covers together, to make fun of the soppy gushing of the characters on the screen, to kiss, to laugh, to flick popcorn at each other… then to fall asleep together; Evie with her head resting comfortably on Tim's shoulder, his strong arms wrapped protectively around her, one of her own arms laid on his chest, to be lulled into a carefree sleep by the gentle motion of each other's breathing. She wanted that more than anything.
"No" she said, returning his smile with a watery one of her own "can we just stay in bed…like this?"
"Sure" he said with a lazy sigh "like this is good."
Evie allowed herself to relax slightly, her head sinking further into the pillow. She took his free hand in hers and held it down between their bodies. Then she pushed one leg between Tim's and placed the other on top, trying to increase their points of contact without taking her eyes off his. She didn't dare blink, hoping to get lost in the emerald pools of his tender gaze. She tried to absorb what she was seeing, to commit the sight to memory, desperately praying it would last, all the while knowing it could not.
They lay together on top of the covers, legs entwined, holding hands, touching each other's faces and looking into each other's eyes for over half an hour. The sun slipped lower in the sky so that the hazy pink melted into a warm orange that filtered through the window and bathed the bed's occupants in gorgeous light. By now a small crease had appeared above Tim's nose, between his eyebrows as if he was trying to concentrate, the frown was almost one of confusion.
"Please don't leave me Tim" the soft plea was barely audible yet racked with emotion. Tim traced the shape of Evie's lips with his finger.
"I would never leave you Evie." He replied gently. Evie nodded, even as another tear soaked into the pillow. Over the following ten minutes Evie watched as Tim's peaceful smile began to fade. So too did the recognition in his eyes until suddenly he snatched his hands away from her and batted hers away from his face. He blinked absently at her once or twice before rolling over so that she was presented with his back and pulled himself into a foetal position.
"This is my bed," he mumbled into the crook of his own elbow "go away."
Evie rolled over to lie flat on her back and stared at the ceiling as silent tears flowed from her eyes. Tim was gone again. It had been over four months since his last lucid moment and Evie had given up on the possibility of another glimpse of the man he had been before. Now she wondered if the pain was worth it. The room was dark. She glanced towards the window, the sun had finally fallen below the horizon and the sky was an inky blue. Evie couldn't breathe. A hard weight of grief and fear compressed her chest and she pressed her hands over her mouth to stifle the loud sobs that threatened to erupt. She managed to keep quiet but a wave of fresh tears cascaded down her face and her body shook the bed as she supressed the moans.
"GO AWAY!" She physically jumped and let out a yelp at Tim's bellowed command before quickly jumping off the bed and running out of the room, closing the door behind her.
She made it into the bathroom and managed to brace herself against the sink. She sucked in great shaking heaves trying to calm her breathing and keep the tears at bay. After some time, Evie had regained enough control to pull her chin from her chest and look into the mirror over the sink. Her face was flushed from the effort and her dark brown eyes bloodshot and rimmed with red, the shadowy circles beneath them a testament to her exhaustion. Most alarming was the deep purple bruise on the right side of her jaw, spreading over her cheek from where Tim's fist had made contact with her face. She stared at it numbly for a moment, finding it difficult to feel anything at all. Suddenly a flash of white hot anger overwhelmed her; she picked up a glass candle holder and smashed it into the mirror. Both shattered on impact, the mirror cutting into her knuckles while glass shards embedded themselves deeply in her palm. The pain didn't register, but the act of violence gave her the fleeting impression of relief. She flung the rest of the bathroom paraphernalia off the sink with a swipe of her arm, the soap dish and ceramic jar containing her and Tim's tooth brushes broke apart with a satisfying crash against the wall. Evie's knees gave way and she sank to sit on the floor amongst the mess. The few seconds of silence that followed the act of destruction were themselves shattered by a howling moan. Evie cried. Long sorrowful sobs were forced cruelly from her throat and shook her body mercilessly. There seemed to be no end; half a year of dashed hopes, worry and exhaustion poured from her and she was helpless to stop it. She allowed her legs to stretch out in front of her and laid her bleeding hand on her lap, her other hand still clutched the edge of the sink desperately as if to keep her head above water. After what could have been hours or days for all Evie knew the noise stopped but the tears fell ceaselessly. She stayed in that position dozing between restless sleep and horrific reality, a trembling heap of heartbreak and exhaustion until the morning, when Tim called for her to make him breakfast.