Kathryn looked up at the moon which was nearly full and pale gold overhead. They'd stopped the boat out in the water and the shore was just barely visible in the moonlight. She sat on the edge of the wooden deck of the boat, pulling her laces loose and slipping off her boots.
"Do you think we should reprogram a darker moon?" she asked, smiling back over her shoulder. "We can barely see the stars with this one."
Chakotay chuckled to himself, amused by her practical ways even in the midst of such a romantic setting. Moving to sit beside her, he hung his already-bare feet over the side and sighed in pleasure and relief. "I like it the way it is."
He turned to face her and was caught off guard by the reflection of the moonlight off her hair. He swallowed and willed his emotions, still volatile after the events of the day, to behave. "Don't change a thing," he said softly.
She smiled at him shyly, pleased he liked it, before she turned her attention back to the water. Balling up her socks, Kathryn stuffed them into her boots and threw her bare feet over the side. The chilly water made her gasp in shock. Shaking it off into a smile, she patted his arm. "Have I thanked you again, Chakotay? Without you cracking my ribs and keeping me alive until the doctor arrived-" She let the last remain unsaid.
"You wouldn't have needed that phaser on talent night to be captain." Kathryn knew she shouldn't have been so bleak, but she had to prove to herself she wasn't afraid. If she could joke about her death, maybe she could command it.
Chakotay slid his arms out behind him on the deck and leaned back onto his hands, enjoying the water on his feet and the slight breeze on his face. He felt her vulnerability and recognized it as the mirror image of his own. "You don't have to thank me, Kathryn," he reminded her, arching his neck slightly to ease the stiffness and let the vertebrae crack back into place. "Besides," he teased, "it was entirely a matter of self-interest. I'm not prepared to devote my life to the mountain of padds that consumes your every waking moment. Not to mention the fact that I'm nowhere near capable of taking on Tom Paris in pool." He grinned at her.
Kathryn smiled wryly back and placed her hand on his shoulder. He felt solid beneath her fingertips, even more solid than the wood of the deck. "You do know I'm supposed to delegate most of that to you?" she teased. "Not beating Mr. Paris, that's my responsibility. I think I just have a soft spot for my handsome first officer. I get weak in the knees when he smiles at me and end up keeping it all." Part of that statement was so close to the truth that she couldn't make it sarcastic enough.
"I wonder if you and Tuvok would have that problem," she finished, eyebrow raised.
"Ahhh," he nodded wisely, keeping his face calm so as not to betray the increase in his heart rate at her use of the word 'handsome'. He had long since learned how to keep his response to her in check, even when they flirted, but the emotion of the day coursed through his veins, leaving him jittery and unsettled. "All part of my plan. If I can keep you mesmerized by my charm I can avoid the bulk of the reports." Her fingers burned a hole in the shoulder of his shirt.
"As far as Tuvok, I don't know." He pretended to think carefully for a moment. "I don't think we'd have that problem. I've always been a bit of a leg man. Have you seen him in athletic wear?" He shook his head. "Not a pretty sight." He leaned into her touch slightly and lowered his voice, implying that he knew a pretty sight when he saw one.
Kathryn laughed, tilting her head up towards the bright moon. "A leg man you say..." She spent a moment wondering what he might have seen her legs in. All she could think of was New Earth. Thoughts of that planet made her heart race. She squeezed his shoulder without realising what she'd done. "Whatever your reasons, I am deeply grateful." Being sincere made her eyes sting and she couldn't blame the salt water in the air.
Seeing her blink back tears tore at his heart, and he placed his hand over hers on his shoulder and squeezed gently. "I know you are," he said. "I'm grateful too." He paused a moment. He didn't want to scare her but some things required saying. "This was the worst day of my life in the Delta Quadrant," he continued seriously. "And I include in that the day we found out we were stranded here. Waiting for help to arrive, I thought..." His own emotions threatened to overwhelm him and he cleared his throat. "I can't begin to imagine..." He shook his head helplessly.
Pulling her feet out of the water, Kathryn watched beads of water roll off onto the warm wood of the deck. She couldn't look at him, so she pulled in her knees and wrapped her arms tightly around them. Resting her chin on her arms, she swallowed before she spoke.
"I couldn't lose you either," she said. "Chakotay, I can't imagine having to walk onto the bridge and know you'll never be there. I can't comprehend what it must have been like on the planet." Losing him went far outside the parameters she tried to keep for herself. Losing Chakotay was unacceptable, in any reality.
"You'd be an excellent captain," she said, her voice dropping lower. "The crew trusts you, you're gentle, wise. You could get this crew home without me." Kathryn let the thought hang in the air. She could never do it without him.
She looked so small, curled up into a ball beside him, and his hand reached out of its own accord to let his fingers brush across the tips of her hair. He was on fragile ground, he knew, and his emotions were a jumble. He wanted-
"I don't doubt my ability to get the ship home," he said quietly, "but part of me would be lost forever. Part of me would stay here with you." Chakotay let his thumb wander lazily over to the skin of her neck.
His hand on her neck made a shiver run gloriously down her spine. Kathryn felt more alive sitting here with him than she'd ever been. Maybe it was left over from her experience. Perhaps she was just dealing with some kind of hangover from the endorphin rush of nearly dying...
In his arms.
She couldn't forget that. The image of him holding her and sobbing her name was forever seared into her memory.
Kathryn shut her eyes. She'd promised herself she wouldn't do what she was about to do, but she couldn't resist him more than she could resist the ship's gravity or walk on the holographic water in front of them.
"Do you know what's terribly unfair?" she asked, turning her head thoughtfully towards him and meeting his eyes. Those damn dark eyes of his always stole her away. Letting go of her fear made her feel invincible. "The one time you kissed me, I was completely unaware of it."
His breath caught in the back of his throat as his need for her, the agonizing need that he had trained into submission, slammed through his body. The act of breathing life into her had been almost erotic in its intensity and the intimacy of it had all but shredded the control he had spent so much time building up since their stay on New Earth.
This was dangerous territory for them both. They were still somewhat overwhelmed by what had happened and he couldn't risk taking advantage of that. But at the same time, what had the experience done except expose what they both knew was between them? He tightened his hold on her neck to a gentle embrace, aware that his fingers were trembling, and stared deeply into her eyes looking for the truth.
What he found there caused him to move forward and brush his lips softly against hers, then again more firmly, finally claiming her mouth in the kiss he'd wanted for almost as long as he'd known her.
She rotated her entire body towards him and relaxed into the kiss. Chakotay's lips were so much warmer than her own. The heat of him seeped into her, as if it were turning her inside out. Grabbing his shoulders, Kathryn balanced on her knees and kissed him back hungrily. All the self-imposed loneliness and longing that she'd bottled up since before she cared to admit, melted down like the barriers she'd tried to keep in place.
One hand slid up to his hair and her tongue found its way into his mouth. She wanted him so much she was panting and almost in his lap. The fear she'd kept locked up like her own store of liquid nitrogen threatened to boil over and burst. Kathryn was outside the lines she'd drawn, outside reason, and entirely somewhere she'd never meant to go.
She tried half-heartedly to pull away but Chakotay held her and she surrendered. Three years in the Delta Quadrant and he was the only one she'd ever let beat her.
Kathryn's response to him fueled his own hunger, and Chakotay was lost in the sensations. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her against him, refusing gently when she tried to escape. She was safe with him, even if she didn't know it yet. Denying what they felt, what they both needed, was not the answer, even if he wasn't entirely sure yet what the answer was.
He wanted her, but the timing was wrong, and in spite of her boldness tonight he knew she would regret it if things went any farther than they already had. It would be a simple matter to pull her on top of him, lower them both down to the deck, and - but no. Not like that. Not after everything that had happened.
Lightening the kiss was the last thing he wanted to do but he moved back from her slightly, letting her register what he was doing before pulling back entirely. He let his forehead rest against hers, willing his breathing to calm, and stroked his hands gently up and down her back. The profound anguish he'd experienced when he realized she was dead wafted across his mind once again and he closed his eyes against the truth of it. He was in love with her. He'd tried to tell himself...what? That it wasn't love? That it didn't matter? That it was something that could be denied? Lies and self-delusion, all of it.
Chakotay opened his eyes and moved back slightly, keeping her in the circle of his arms.
Catching her breath as she sat on his lap, Kathryn kissed his cheek. "That was worth living for," she whispered. Running her fingers through his hair, she smiled. Touching his lips with her fingers, she traced the outlines of them.
"I was never going to have this." She kissed him again, this time quickly. "I'm so glad I did."
Her fingers on his mouth threatened his tenuous control and when she kissed him the urge for more was almost overwhelming. Tamping it down firmly, he laughed inwardly at himself. There would be no sleep for him tonight. But it was worth it.
He smiled at her, not yet able to form words that would make any sense. Instead he focused on her face, her mouth, and her eyes. She looked peaceful, and her expression was warm and soft. He stroked her cheek gently with the back of his fingers. He'd never been with a woman so completely lacking in guile. She was a skilled and cunning strategist on the bridge, but here in his arms, in this moment, she was completely open with him. It touched him deeply and he vowed again to himself never to do anything to make her life more difficult.
"Quite a day," he grinned lazily at her.
She should have climbed off his lap, apologised and left the holodeck. That was the right thing to do. Her carefully constructed barriers, she couldn't call them theirs because he'd never tried to keep her at a distance, insisted that she leave.
Kathryn didn't want to. She'd surrendered and even if it came roaring back to haunt her, for this moment, she was going to enjoy what could be. She remained on his lap, carefully straddling his knees with her back towards the water.
"And it started out so quietly." She sighed. Tracing his tattoo with her fingers, she began memorising the feel of his skin. "We're still going to have to come up with something you can do for talent night. Kissing me isn't exactly for public consumption."
He caught her hand and pressed her wrist to his lips, letting his tongue dart out to taste her before kissing the palm. "I don't think so," he said, the idea of performing before a crowd causing a rush of dread. "Besides," he looked up from his work, "my best talents are displayed behind closed doors." He raised his eyebrows and gave her a wolfish grin.
Her neck was hot a moment before her blush ran freely into her face. How long had it been since anyone, including her, had really considered herself as a sexual being? Q didn't really count because there was no way he would have succeeded. He apparently didn't even know how.
Chakotay saw her differently. Even when she was trying desperately to keep him away. It was too good to be real that anyone could be that patient with her. Kathryn was terribly demanding of her lovers and she'd already asked so much of him.
"I might have to take your word for that," she answered, wishing she could stop blushing. "For now," she amended. "Is this something we can balance with our duties? I'm not asking for parameters...maybe I am. I don't know how to take anything on faith. Even you, Chakotay."
He delighted secretly in how flustered she was, but decided too much teasing at this point was unfair. He really didn't want her uncomfortable, not when they seemed to be on the brink of something new and incredible. Reaching for her other hand, he held them both against his chest, letting his thumbs stroke gently over her knuckles.
"Nobody's pushing you, Kathryn," he murmured, leaning over to kiss her temple. He pulled back and waited until she looked up at him before he continued. "You don't have to go on faith, you can go on experience. You know me. If we decide to move forward - and I hope we do - we'll do whatever we need to do to make it work."
"I do know you," she repeated slowly. The heat of her intrigue when they'd joked about sex faded away and the cool, terrifying reality of what she was considering made her shiver. "I know exactly how incredible you are. You're patient and kind. Intelligent. Thoughtful. Passionate..." Kathryn kept his eyes in hers as she paused. She had to swallow before she continued..
"There's something beautiful and irreplaceable about you." She'd never been so connected, or so afraid of anyone. "You know me and you haven't run in the other direction. I know you and I-" She couldn't say the rest. She couldn't even think the words to herself, but she suspected he'd known what she was thinking long before she did.
His heart thundered in his chest. "Kathryn," he whispered her name hoarsely. She was trembling very slightly and he slid his arms around her again, pulling her close against his chest. Holding her tapped into an instinctive desire to protect her, which was ridiculous because she was one of the strongest people he'd ever met. Strong and beautiful and wise... - he smiled to himself... - and brave. So very brave.
He ran his hand up her back and buried his fingers in her hair, stroking it and soothing them both. After a moment he pulled back and what he saw in her eyes took his breath away. He was completely lost to this woman. They had to find a way. He could never be happy or whole without her.
"It'll be okay," he told her. It seemed inadequate; there were so many things he wanted to tell her, but not just yet. It would be okay. It had to be.
"What do we tell the crew?" she asked. Without lifting her head from his chest, Kathryn let him hold her. It was an important question. One of many they would have to answer if they intended, as he'd said, to move forward.
"Do we need to say something?" She had no doubt he would follow her orders, he'd proved that already. Would it be hard for the crew? Would he be able to advocate for them against his- she didn't have the right word. Lover? Partner?
They were already a team. They'd worked in unison, keeping their crew intact for the last three years. This was personal and infinitely more frightening. Kathryn didn't do anything halfway, even falling in love. "Will you be all right?" she continued. "Being my first officer is hard enough, being my- if we're together-"
Chakotay tightened his arms around her for a quick moment, wishing he could chase away the fear that he knew would plague her until she had the answers she needed.
"I don't know," he said seriously, "and I don't think we can know until we figure out what this is. I know you're not comfortable with a lot of uncertainty." He kissed the top of her head, lingering to nuzzle his cheek against her hair. "But I can tell you this. I will never, ever do anything to compromise the running of this ship, or to put our chances of getting home at risk. I know what the priorities are, Kathryn, and I know how to work with them."
She kissed his cheek and laughed bitterly. "I don't," she admitted. "I don't know how to have a relationship and be the captain. I barely know how to be the captain and Kathryn Janeway at the same time. I live in my uniform."
Resting her forehead against his made it possible for her to keep talking. He was always her support. "I know you'll be all right. I trust you. You're too good to me. You already have been."
Her legs were across his lap now, and it made her heart skip to think about how well she fit in his arms, or how strong they were. "Mark wouldn't come on the ship. I never would have had to balance him and Voyager. I don't know how well I can. I'm not like you. My heart isn't as wise, Chakotay."
He shook his head. "I disagree," he said firmly. "Your heart is very wise, but in a different way from mine. That's why we work together so well, we balance each other. That's how we'll make this work as well." His fingers stroked through her hair again. He couldn't stop touching it. He wanted to bury his face in it and breathe her in. It was every bit as soft as he'd thought it would be.
"Don't sell yourself short, Kathryn." He paused, debating how far to go, but if it was going to work they were going to have to be honest and that should start right away. "I know you're afraid," he said softly, "and I know it's not just about the ship. All I can tell you is that I'll be by your side no matter what happens, just like I have been all along. We'll figure it out." He Chakotay kissed her wrist again, deliberately reminding her of earlier. "And in spite of what I said, we'll go slowly."
She wasn't sure how well she could do slowly. If he kept doing that to her wrist, the holodeck was going to would need to be sealed. "I can lock the holodeck you know," she teased him, letting her voice drop into her throat.
Resting her hands on his chest made her calm. "You think too much of me," Kathryn argued with him. "I-" she didn't even know if she could say it. "I'm not strong enough to-" Her voice cracked and she bit her lip. "I'm going to try your patience. I'm going to try and push you away. I'm terribly selfish in relationships."
He chuckled in spite of himself. "And you think this is news to me?" he teased. "Kathryn..." he cupped her cheek and his heart ached at the fear and confusion in her eyes. "You've been trying to push me away for quite some time," he reasoned. "I'm not going anywhere, no matter how hard you push. I'll be here regardless. What you need to decide is in what capacity do you want me in your life? Because I am going to be in your life."
He slid his hand down her neck, wishing for the freedom to smooth his fingers over her collarbone. "And as far as selfish," he paused, considering his words, then shrugged. "If you say so, but I'd be interested to know what makes you say that. You're not selfish in our friendship. You're not selfish as the captain. 'Selfish' is not a word I'd use to describe you."
His hand wandered back up her neck and he registered the little shiver that went through her as he explored the edges of her ear. "I'm not afraid, Kathryn," he whispered to her. "I know you and I know myself. We can do this."
Closing her eyes and burying her head in his shoulder, Kathryn tried to listen to what he was saying instead of protesting desperately that he was wrong. Caught somewhere between wanting to strip off his uniform and take him on the deck and wanting to get as far from the holodeck and the romance of the moon as she could, she kissed his forehead and eased herself off of his lap.
"Have dinner with me tomorrow?" she asked lightly. Hoping he'd understand that she couldn't go any further, she smiled. It was tremendously difficult to be speechless when the answers all came so easily to him. "I'm glad you're not afraid. I wish- I wish I could be. I know you'll wait for me." He would, and she'd break his heart. She'd surrender to her feelings for him and she'd end up wishing she'd ripped her own out in the beginning.
"You know how stubborn I am," she reminded him before she called for the arch and grabbed her boots.
His lap was cold where she'd been, and he recognized her retreat for what it was, but in spite of it his heart was full and happy. Letting him see her fear was the first and most important step to overcoming it. Half the battle was already won, although he didn't kid himself into thinking that the rest of it would be easy. She was right, stubborn didn't begin to cover it. He shook his head even as an enormous grin broke out over his face.
He dragged himself to his feet. He was exhausted and still aroused, not a combination that boded well for sleep, but it didn't matter. Tomorrow was a whole new day and whether she knew it or not, tonight they had started down a path that would change both their lives. He intended to see that it changed them for the better.