Grief can eat you up, just as hate and the desire for vengeance can. But there's nothing, nothing, like the feeling of guilt – that's something Kakashi learned quite early. It wouldn't let him sleep at night and when he finally travelled into the land of dreams, after all, he woke up, bathed in sweat, knowing that it all was his fault.
If only he had been stronger – maybe he could have saved Obito.
If only he had seen the rock before it had hit him and sent him to the ground – Obito wouldn't have had to save him and wouldn't have died in the process.
If only his eye had been uninjured – maybe he would have been able to notice that rock.
If only he'd agreed sooner on saving Rin – maybe, maybe...
...maybe Obito would be still alive.
Perhaps he, Kakashi, wouldn't stand here, at the funeral of his friend, staring at the grave, sorrow and self-loathing filling his eyes with hot tears. But he didn't allow himself to cry.
Perhaps he would have been pleased about the lovely weather instead of thinking that the sunshine was more than inappropriate today.
Perhaps he would hate himself a little less for the fact that Rin stood right next to him and that their fingers touched lightly.
He threw a quick glance at the girl that was dressed in black, just like he was, and whose small, gentle face was wet with tears. Her hand, way too small and frail for a Ninja, searched for his and hold it tight. Kakashi couldn't help it but let it happen – just because it felt so good to hold onto something when the earth tore apart beneath him to swallow him and pulling him in the darkness.
He hated himself. He was ashamed. For he was able to stand here, facing Obito's grave and holding hands with the girl his friend had loved from the bottom of his heart.
It wasn't right. He wanted to push Rin away from him, yell at her for wanting him while it was Obito who deserved her feelings.
But it wasn't Rin's fault.
It was his.
Rin tightened her grip as if she wanted to say: Hold me. Please hold me. At the same time, her wet eyes begged for forgiveness.
Kakashi avoided Rin. He avoided her and he knew it was hurtig her. He barely looked at her. Each ever so short glimpse felt like a unforgivable betrayal to Obito.
When they were on a mission together, he talked just as much as necessary. Yet with every word he felt shame burning his words to ashes so he stood silent.
He hurt her, so much. She didn't deserve that. Not after already losing Obito. But just as much as she couldn't change her feelings for him, he couldn't bear her love.
In recent weeks there hadn't been a single cloud in the sky – but today it was raining so hard that Kakashi had not left his house once. It felt as if the sky tried to wash away the earth. That's why he almost didn't hear the knock on his door since it didn't make much more noise than the water falling down on the roof almost violently. Almost.
For a moment, he considered ignoring the sound because – as much as he hoped it was Sensei Minato or at least Gai - he knew who it was. Hesitantly, he stood in front oft he closed door – but then he heard a voice, faint because of the rain, still, he could understand every word. "Kakashi, I know you're in there. Please open the door!"
Rin.
Her hair and her clothes were soaking wet and she was shivering from the cold while she was standing on his doorstep, her eyes filled with a determination that broke Kakashi's heart.
"You're all wet", he said quietly. "Come in."
She didn't move. She stayed were she was, looking like a trembling, soaked and incredibly sad statue. "Kakashi...I know why you're avoiding me. I know." He suddenly realized that not all of the water on her face was from the rain. It poured out of the corners of her eyes and down her pale cheeks. "I am so s-so sorry, Kakashi. I never wanted to hurt y-you or Obito." She let out a hiccouging sob and her body shook even harder. She tried to wipe her face with the back of her hand – a futile effort since there were always more rain and tears. "I should not love you since you don't want me. I shouldn't want you since I know how Obito felt for me. It's all so w-wrong."
By this time, Kakashi was soaked, too. He wanted to console her but didn't know how. It did not matter what he said or did from now on, it would hurt her anyway. It was his fault. All his fault. But he couldn't stand to see her cry. He wanted her to be the old Rin, the happy, cheerful Rin.
He shouldn't have allowed what was happening afterwards. However, he didn't move when she approached him. He didn't stop her.
He didn't stop her when she raised herself on her tiptoes so their faces were at the same height. He could see the tears between her dark eyelashes.
He didn't stop her when she pulled down his mask with trembling fingers, whispering: "Forgive me, Kakashi." He could feel her breath against his lips.
He didn't stop her when she kissed him. Her mouth was wet and cold from the rain and tasted like tears and sorrow and guilt and yearning.
He also didn't stop her when she turned around and hurried away."
Like in trance he went back inside. He shut the door, then he allowed his head to sink forward until his forehead touched the smooth wood. He felt something moist rolling down his face and trickling to the ground. "I'm so sorry, Rin", he breathed, again and again, although she couldn't hear him. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Two weeks later Rin was dead.
Thanks for reading. Comments are much appreciated ;)