After the room cleared, Santana couldn't help but stare at Brittany. She watched her beautiful blonde stare at the ground and trace circles on her leg. She wished she could see inside her lover's head and steal those dark thoughts away. Instead, she stared at her own arms uselessly. She never knew if it was okay to touch Brittany during times like this. Sometimes, she was comforted, but sometimes, on truly difficult days, Brittany yelped and pushed her hands away. Santana couldn't risk hurting her, so she stood up and sat on the floor in Brittany's direct line of vision. "Britt Britt, baby, do you want to talk about it?"
The blonde shook her head and sniffed. Santana caught her bright blue eyes and tried to see into her world. Although she could not read her thoughts, she saw the life drain from her eyes. Her usual colorful world became dark and paralyzing. Venturing out a limb, Santana asked quietly, "Can I hug you?" The second Brittany nodded; Santana was there, enveloping her, much like she did on the night of the actual attack. Santana shivered at the thought, and suddenly, she was taken back to the unusually cold summer night that she found a screaming, shivering, bleeding Brittany and had to piece her back together. Ever since that moment, Santana promise that she would never let anyone hurt Brittany again. And so the unspoken rule formed that began to haunt McKinley's halls: No one hurts Brittany. Ever.
But every day, it haunts Santana that she couldn't save her. She couldn't save her Brittany. Everything inside her girl changed after that day. Brittany's entire countenance shifted. Her usually smart personality began to fade away as she wished for a time where she could be young and innocent again. She used humor and happiness to hide her constant state of pain. Before long, Santana could hardly recognize her. Every time Santana wanted to talk about what happened, Brittany would shrug her off and say something adorably and intentionally clueless to distract her. And Santana, never wanting to make Brittany sad, just shook her head and went along with it.
When a tear hit her neck, Santana was violently jarred back to the present. "They didn't even blink when I mentioned it San." Santana's heart broke as she held her sobbing girlfriend in her arms. She felt hot tears prick at her own eyes, but she knew she couldn't cry. She had to be strong for Brittany, just as she had been strong for her ever since that night. "I know Britt. I know." She rocked back and forth and whispered calming gibberish in her ear. After Brittany's sobs turned to quiet sniffles, Santana pulled back to look at the girl. "Do you want to talk about it now?"
Brittany pulled out of Santana's arms and stared at the floor again. "There isn't anything left to say San. He took what was mine that day, and it still hurts." Santana wanted nothing more than to heal that hurt. "I can't, I can't," She took a deep breath to steady herself and said, "I can't go back and change what happened to me." Santana knew that it was impossible to turn back the hands of time, but it didn't stop her from imagining, wishing, dreaming that she could have saved Brittany.
Brittany collapsed into Santana again, worn through from all the pain. Santana instinctively ran her hand through Brittany's hair. After a few moments of silence, Brittany whispered, "I wish my first time was with you. I wish it was special." Santana felt a tear run down her face as Brittany once again gave into her sobs. "I do too Brittany, I do too." At a loss for words, Santana began to sing softly to the girl, hoping that she could comfort her. "I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating. In the pain, is there healing, in your name I find meaning. So I'm holding on. I'm barely holding on to you. I'm hanging on another day just to see what you throw my way and I'm hanging on to the words you say. You said that I will be okay." Brittany's sobs subsided. She dried her eyes and thanked Santana without words.
Santana kissed her on the forehead and said, "We're going to make it though this baby. Even if you have to face it every day of your life forever, I'll be here, pulling you through the muck and mire. We can do this. I promise."
Brittany's only response was a small smile and a slight movement of her hand. When Santana looked down, she saw their pinkies linked. And that was when she knew everything was going to be okay.