Hopelessly

Note: Not my first Rurouni Kenshin story, but probably my first shot taken at a couple not so much in focus as Kenshin and Kaoru. Misao's complicated past with Aoshi isn't as scrutinized in the series as it ought to be, and so I'm taking advantage of some rare inspiration to write a short story about Misao and her feelings as she figures out her feelings for Aoshi after he betrays her, and before Kenshin leaves for Mt. Hiei.

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin in any way, nor do I own the song "Hopeless" by Train. I know doesn't like us to write song fiction, but this isn't… really. I'm only including the song in this disclaimer, as well as the lyrics below which inspired this story, because I feel it's right, I've been doing this for six years now, and it's too much of a habit to stop now.

"I hopelessly, helplessly, wonder why everything got changed around me. Well, I'd tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way. And I'd say it on the phone, if I thought you were alone, 'Why do things have to change?'… I guess you need no one. Is anyone waiting at all for you?" –Train, 'Hopeless'

Silent nights were common in Kyoto during the early summer, punctuated only by the sounds of crickets in the garden outside, but Kashiwazaki Nenji was awake because of the quiet. He hadn't expected such calm before the coming storm, though he was quite certain both sides were building up for their final confrontation. He turned his head at the quiet step outside his door, and the sound of a sixteen-year-old sliding down the wall.

"J-Jiya?" Misao's trembling voice came from the other side.

"Yes, Misao-chan?" Okina-san's voice was quiet when he pushed the covers from his old, broken body. He was not oblivious to the soft whimpering on the other side of the paper door. She did not immediately answer, but when she did, it was only with the same trembling crying he'd heard when she approached the door. "Misao-chan... What's wrong?"

She sniffed quietly on the other side, "N-nothing, Jiya… I wanted to see if you were still okay." She sounded like she was about to stand.

"Nonsense, Misao-chan. I know better than that… You know I'm fine… You know I've been fine for a few days now." The girl collapsed against the wall again, and Nenji paused momentarily before crossing the tatami mats to sit on the opposite side of the wall. "You're concerned about Himura-san… Or, more specifically, what will happen tomorrow… You know Aoshi will be waiting for him at Mt. Hiei, and…" He trailed off to allow the teenager to finish her own fears.

"What can I do, Jiya?" She wailed softly, bursting into a fresh set of tears. "I-I know that Aos—Shinimori-san betrayed us… I know he tried to kill you, and… and…" She collapsed into more pitiful sobs before continuing through them. "And I love him… and you're my best friend, Jiya… and… and… I don't know what to do. He doesn't love me, and he's never going to love me, and he probably never loved me at all in the first place, so it's just-" Misao hiccupped, then pushed on. "Just a childish infatuation, and then he hurt you, Jiya, and it's not so easy being Okashira when I'm so confused!"

Nenji would have laughed at the girl, had it been any other situation revealing Misao's youth as a weakness and lapse in her wisdom, but these were Misao's greatest fears and pains pouring out before him, just as they always had since Misao had first come under his care so many years before. Her pain was so much more complex then than a skinned knee had been then, but Nenji slid the door open a crack to peer out at the distressed girl.

Misao had grown up so much since the last time he'd taken a chance to really look at her. Sitting in the hall was a sobbing young woman—not the little girl he'd perceived her as—who was in apparent distress and pain. Nenji had never encountered something so bewildering as a woman's emotions, but here was his little Misao-chan wallowing in something he might have usually written away as something he could never fix nor understand, but he was incapable of abandoning his Misao-chan.

"Misao-chan…" Her pain was taking a terrible toll on him, and he could no longer bear her misery. "Misao-chan, I'm sorry if you ever thought you had to forget Aoshi for my sake. Aoshi is not good with his feelings, and especially not now, when his comrades—his friends, Misao-chan—were murdered in cold blood. You must give him time… Himura-kun will see to it that Aoshi is returned to us, and you will see that he is not the cold, merciless man you saw in his battle with me."

Misao only hiccupped in response.

"Ask him, and I assure you Himura-kun will do everything to bring Aoshi back to us. He is a man of his word."

Misao hiccupped again, a fresh wave of tears sliding down her face. "J-Jiya… Is that okay?"

Nenji smiled to no one but himself. "Misao-chan, my body is old, but it will mend. Aoshi is an old friend blinded by grief, and in his heartache he slashes out at whoever approaches him, friend or foe. You are young, Misao-chan, and torn between your duty and your love for Aoshi. No one has ever doubted your love in him," He chuckled lightly, and Misao tried to brush away more of her tears. "We may have teased you about it, but not one of us ever doubted it. I would be an old fool to start doubting it now, especially when you chose the Oniwabanshu over him."

"Ji…ya…" She whispered, her voice trembling and hoarse from crying.

"It's alright, Misao-chan. Your feelings for Aoshi are not wasted… Himura-kun will bring him back should you ask him, and I expect that it will be you who will bring Aoshi back to life by relieving him of his grief. I know you can." He was well aware that his words weren't keeping Misao from crying, but he spoke them anyway. "It will be difficult… but I believe in you, Misao-chan."

"Thank you, Jiya…" She choked, wiping her eyes off.

"Now get to bed," Nenji insisted. "Tomorrow will be difficult and dangerous… Himura-kun will face greater dangers than we will, but the Aoiya and the Oniwabanshu must protect Kyoto while he's away. You need to rest." He heard Misao nod her head against the paper wall.

"Alright…" She murmured, and stood slowly. Nenji could hear her hiccupping on her way back down the hallway. She was still crying, but he knew her well enough to know that she would be alright so long as Himura-kun brought Aoshi back with him the next day.

As the old man slipped back under the covers of his futon, he briefly pondered what Misao would have done if he hadn't survived. She would have likely taken on the role of the Okashira anyway, but she would have hardened and…

She would have been left with nothing, just like Aoshi… He realized with a jolt. The men and women of the Oniwabanshu cared deeply for Misao, but had never really built bonds like she had with Aoshi, Han'nya, Hyottoko, Shikijo, and Beshimi. He shook his head and rolled onto his side. Misao would fare well now with his assurance that it was perfectly fine, and even expected, that she love Aoshi as she always had. Aoshi himself would heal with her care, but that would also take time.

As Nenji's eyes slipped shut, he worried about the next day…Surely Misao had been trained well enough to handle the battle… Surely she would be fine… His mind closed into sleep, absorbing only the sounds of crickets and water in the garden. His last thought before he was claimed by sleep was a brief wonder as to whether or not Misao could hear the brief moment of allowed peace through her own tears.

End