Deep Water
A Dean/Luna story
The skirts of the forest were shrouded in shade, cool and inviting after the surprisingly hot sun, considering it was late March. He sank onto a large boulder, situated under a large, leafy tree, just a few yards away from the border between glaring sunlight and green shadows. Sounds of merriment drifted through the air from the far away lake. The egg hunt, thought up of by the Head Boy and Girl for the benefit of those staying for the holidays, was on, apparently, but he did not feel like joining in.
He was nineteen, after all, too old for these kind of things. It seemed so weird, being nineteen and still being here at Hogwarts. Of course he'd come back- he'd been on the run all of last year, after all. But it was almost over now, one last term and he was a free man.
To think, in four months he would be gone from here, out in the big world. The idea, quite frankly, scared him. Hogwarts had always been a kind of refuge for him, but soon it would cease to accept him into its safety. Not that he hadn't a home, a mother, sisters. But as much as he loved them, there would always be a barrier, a difference that as much as you tried, you could never ignore. It's hard to ignore the fact that your half brother attends a school for wizards and witches. But here, he was exactly like everybody else, never standing out. There were some who liked popularity and fame. Not him. He liked being average.
"Wrackspurt got you?"
He jumped, not realizing there was somebody behind him. Actually, scratch the somebody. There was only one person in the world who would ask if a Wrackspurt had gotten you.
"Hi Luna," he smiled, twisting around and looking up, so he was staring straight into the large, grey eyes that stared back, unblinking. "Not a Wrackspurt, just… Y'know. Thinking."
A year ago he wouldn't have believed that he would ever even utter such a word like Wrackspurt, but it seemed perfectly normal now. It wasn't that he actually believed in such things, or something like that. But hanging out with Luna as much as he had the past year, you learned to play along.
"'Bout what?"
He glanced sideways at her as she sat down beside him, shifting her long dirty blonde hair so that it didn't form a screen between them. He usually didn't like it when people intruded on his alone time, but he didn't mind this. Maybe because she was so accepting- if he chose not to answer, she wouldn't mind, just continue sitting there in silence. But today he didn't have much of a problem with sharing.
"Life in general, I guess. D'you realize this is my last Easter here? That's plain weird. Ever since I found out I was a wizard, it's just been Hogwarts for me. And now it's the real thing, no more Hogwarts… It's just like being thrown into deep water your second time swimming, you don't really know what to do…" His voice trailed off, his eyes focused on some far away cloud.
She was silent for a moment. When she spoke again, her voice was soft, as if she was speaking more to herself than to him. "That makes sense. I can understand that."
"Can you?" He did not mean to doubt her sincerity, or the depth of her feelings. But he was so desperate for somebody to share his thoughts with, somebody who truly understood him. He needed to know if Luna was his solution.
"Yes. I- I suppose I have the same thing. It was just me and Dad and Mum, you know, until she died. And then I left for Hogwarts. And it was such a shock, finding out people didn't believe in Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, or Nargles. And, it's just, I'm finally used to it that people call me names and stare at me when I talk about Blibbering Humdingers. You know? I don't care anymore, like I used to. But once I'm out of Hogwarts, will it be the same? I suppose it doesn't really matter- Daddy agrees- but getting used to things is so hard. You understand?"
"I think I do," he nodded slowly, "But I don't think you should care about that now. You've got another year to go. Why worry now when you can worry later?"
"Oh, haven't I told you?" She looked surprised. "I thought I had… I'm sure; I was looking for you last week to tell you. Oh, yes, I looked in the Owlery, and just then a letter from Daddy came- you know, he thinks he's found solid evidence that the Ministry is breeding Heliopaths, and then I went to answer it, and by the time I was finished with that it was dinnertime… And I forgot all about it. I'm sorry. Anyways, I'm dropping out of Hogwarts next year."
Was he surprised? Yes, slightly. Not too much, though. Did it somehow bother him? No, not at all. Did it, for some reason, make him happy? Inexplicably, yes. He knew now that whatever next year held in store for him, there would still be Luna. They would not be parted, he stranded alone in whatever came after Hogwarts, and she still here. He would have Luna, and that mattered to him, more than he could ever possibly put in words.
"I- Wow, Luna. That's a surprise. Are you- are you sure that's what you want?"
He was faking it, and she knew it. But he had never been one for open hearted honesty. He could not put everything he felt into words. It was easier to pretend, and let people believe. And those who deserved the truth- well, they'd see right through him in any case. It all came down to the same thing.
She observed him silently, scrutinizing his face. She could see through his façade, he knew, but that was ok. She was Luna, after all. She wouldn't make a big deal of it, pressuring him for answers.
"I just figured, why stay here? I don't need anything that they haven't taught us yet. I know what I want to do with my life; I'm ready for it right now. If I could, I'd leave tomorrow. So why waste a whole year?"
"I suppose you have a point," he mused. When she put it like that, it made sense. Why should she stay? "So, what is thing big plan of yours?"
"I'm going to be a naturalist. You know, travel, study magical species, maybe discover some new ones. I'll find a Crumple-Horned Snorkack and bring back pictures. I'll show them." Her voice was cold, spiteful. He had never realized just how much they had hurt her, those girls who laughed at her eccentricities. But she would show them, and big time. Of that he was certain.
"And the good thing is, I won't have to wait. I was afraid, at first, that I wouldn't have money to start straight away, that I would have to work for a few years and save up… But Daddy was great, he pulled out his savings for me. So as soon as school's over, I'm off to Africa, to help save endangered Erumpents, and study all the different creatures there… I've already got it worked out; I'll be living with some African wizards and witches who've set up their own village, so it'll be a great opportunity to study different wizarding cultures too. I'll be there for a few years, probably. And I'll write a book. And after that… I don't know. Maybe I'll go to Sweden, to look for Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. I will do that, someday. I'm just not so sure when. I don't want to plan too far ahead; it'll take all the fun out of it. But yeah, it'll be amazing."
But it didn't sound amazing, not to him. He wouldn't have Luna, after all. Luna would be in Africa, saving Erumpents. It hurt him, that she preferred Erumpents and African wizards to him. It was silly to feel like this, he knew. Luna didn't know he had been counting on her. He hadn't been counting on her until a few minutes ago. But he couldn't help it. He was hurt, and angry.
"Great, really great," he muttered, his voice sullen. He didn't bother disguising his feelings. Let her think what she would. She wouldn't be here anyways. The year would end, and he would never see her again. "I'm going."
"Going?" She looked slightly offended. He felt bad; it wasn't really her fault, after all. But not bad enough.
"Gonna join the egg hunt." And he was gone.
"You were kind of rude today, you know."
He jumped. She had crept up on him from behind, as he passed through a hidden shortcut to the common room. He turned to face her.
"I know." He really had felt bad all day. Even the egg hunt, which had actually been rather fun, hadn't quite been able to distract him of his misery. He had treated Luna quite badly, after all, and she had no way of understanding why. "I'm sorry."
"Apology accepted," she flashed a smile, and leaned back against the wall, looking as if she had no intention of going anywhere. He smiled back uncomfortably. He didn't want to leave her again, but to be quite honest, he was sort of looking forward to settling himself in an armchair with his sketch book. "So, you want to talk about it?"
Did he? Yes and no. No, but yes. He sighed, and leaned back on the wall she was facing, so that he stood opposite her.
"You sure you wanna know?" Here goes nothing.
"If you want me to know."
"I-" Yes, he was ready. "I think I do."
"Well?"
He took a deep breath. "Well, you know how today you told me you were dropping out?" She nodded, keeping her silence. He smiled weakly. "Well, I- I was glad. Because, y'know, I thought that once we graduated, I wouldn't be alone. I'd always have you. And you have no idea how much better I felt, knowing that. You really don't. And then, then you say you're going to Africa. And you won't be with me after all. And, I dunno, I just felt sort of, well, betrayed, I guess. It's stupid, I know, and it's not your fault at all, but I can't help it. I wish I could, but-" His voice broke. He could feel the tears in his eyes, threatening to overflow. He shouldn't feel this way. It made no sense, that such a small thing could cause such a torrent of emotions. It was just Luna, after all. His life did not revolve around Luna. He had no right feeling like this.
She crossed the narrow passageway between them, wrapping her thin arms around him. He hugged her back, breathing in the smell of her hair, blinking his tears away as he slowly calmed down. He did not know how long they stood like that, locked in their silent embrace. Not long, probably. But he needed no more time to understand, finally, his feelings.
"I think I love you."
He wasn't sure he had meant to say it aloud. But he had, and there was no going back now. She let go of him, taking a step back. He wished she hadn't. The air in the passageway was colder than it had been.
"I- do you really mean that?" Her voice was hushed, gentle. He could see the sadness in her eyes.
"I do."
She smiled her sad smile. "I'm sorry you feel that way. I really am."
He didn't know what he had been expecting, but it wasn't this. "I don't understand."
"I-" she took a deep breath, searching for the right words. "I like you. A lot. Maybe it's love. I don't know." She paused, letting the words sink in. He waited, like she had before. "That's exactly the thing. I don't know. I don't know what I feel, what you feel. I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is worth giving everything else up for. But, well, I think it isn't."
"How can you say that?"
"C'mon, Dean. So I fell in love for the first time when I was eighteen. You really believe that a person gets only one chance throughout a whole lifetime? I'll get over it, and so will you. You'll find a girl and you'll love her more than anything, and she'll love you more than anything, and she'd never leave you for anything in the world, not even endangered Erumpents. She'll know that what you have is worth it. I- I don't know that. I need to know it, if you want us, well, y'know, to be together."
He nodded, understanding her words, though they didn't quite sink in. But he had a vague idea it was better like this, this numbness. Better than the tearing pain that was supposed to come with such a rejection. And yet he wanted the pain to come, to prove her words wrong. See, he would say, you were wrong. This is real, it does hurt. It hurts so, so much.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, and turned away. He watched her as she walked away, her blond head shining in the gloom. He was still waiting for the pain.
It came, in the end. When he lay in his bed, hours later, pulling his covers closer around him, the pain came. But it was not as bad as he had thought. It did not rip him apart, it did not feel like his heart was torn from his chest. It just hurt, simply hurt. So she was right, after all. He would get over it, in time. But for now, he submitted to the pain.
A/N;; Hoped you liked it, and review please! Also, huge thanks to Katie.Cupcake for reading this over and helping me with it.