Deepest darkest fear.
We drive in companionable silence. Its been a long hard day. We are both tired and home can't come soon enough. His voice breaks through my musings.
"What's your most deepest darkest fear, the one that haunts you?"
I look at him in puzzlement wondering where that came from so suddenly and so late in the day. His face is set, determined, looking straight ahead at the road before us. I'm unsure of his seriousness and decide to take the lighter option.
"Being called out on a Sunday….my only day off, to persue some mutant to the ends of the earth with you!"
He chuckles briefly and then is serious again. He is silent and I sense he is waiting for a truer answer.
"I've had them all realised, Mulder." I tell him. "My father's death, my sister's death, Emily, my cancer. There's hardly anything left and what there is I can deal with."
His face is dark almost sorry he has asked such a question that would bring up such haunting memories and he turns his head for a second to regard me. I am almost afraid to ask but I feel somewhere that he wants to tell me.
"So what's yours?"
He looks back to the road. "Nothing." he says to my surprise.
"Gee Mulder," I reply softly. "I bare my soul to you and you say 'nothing.'"
I lean back in my seat. The traumatic events of the past few weeks are still troubling him and his sudden over protectiveness of me is a worry. Not wantng it I tolerate it as I know he needs to do it right now and that eventually as things return to normal he'll relax his hold on me. And suddenly his deepest darkest fear makes itself known to me. I close my eyes momentarily and then look at him. My hand goes out to his and I take it squeezing it and he turns his hand to intertwine our fingers. He knows I know. He doesn't seem to want to let go of my hand but he's driving and he has to.
"I'm not planning to go anywhere just yet, Mulder." I tell him but I'm unable to give him the guarantees and assurances he so eagerly seeks. I don't think I've realised just how much this has played on his mind over the past few weeks. I might be able to deal with what ever life has left to throw at me but he won't and I wish he had someone else but he doesn't. He only has me and its me he's scared of losing. I know if he loses me he will lose himself and I feel the weight of such a burden.
I think he takes some comfort in my words for his face has softened somewhat and perhaps tomorrow he will let go of me a little more.