Title: Because it will never be
It started easily enough, just by being there... with him, you were strangely at ease, yet always anticipating something. The first time you met him no longer exist in your mind, you only know the him "now".
"Was he always so mean? Or was he kind before?" you ponder as you stare at him, wondering why you were thinking of this in the first place. Every time you met him, he seemed just a little bit further away, you wonder was it puberty or your own mind.
He was always the popular one in school (and you the nerd), always with the same few people, always looking at him from afar. How people managed to cope with his arrogant behavior, you have no idea, but the fact that they did… that they were closer to him than you were made you envious.
"Why can't that be me?"
He was kind at times, offering an ear piece, talking to you. At those times, you soared… but you kept in control, never giving yourself away. Cause the next thing you know he would be ignoring you, going back to his world where you will never have a place in. It became painful when you realized that more than anything, you just wanted him to look at you, the way he rarely does before he mood decides to take a 180 turn.
You stayed over once. It was Christmas and some guys decided to go over his house to celebrate. Somehow you ended lying beside him as he struggles with a computer game he got during gift exchange (you still can't believe he got your present). Squeezing on the bed with the others gave you the benefit to stick next to him from shoulder to knee, you relish the fact and tried to get closer, enjoying his warmth.
As soon as you got back home, when the lights were out, when there was no one there, when the night be came your shield, you lost it. The tears gushed like never before, it didn't take very long for the right side of your pillow to be soaked. The pain took your heart and set it on fire till you shed enough tears to reduce it to embers and you wished that you never looked at him in the first place because you will never have him...
After a few months you heard him dating a cute girl in your class…
And you wonder… Why can't that be me?
- end -