AUTHOR'S NOTES: Something I started on the Eroicafans (dot) org messageboard. Thank you to all who contributed.
is in place of an asterisk because FF (dot) net removes them for some unknown reason.
Things Eroica Characters Would Never Say
By Margaret Price
& Others
oOo
Dorian: Do you love me, Klaus?
Klaus: Yes.
Dorian: Really?
Klaus: No. I'm just saying that to get sex.
Dorian: Pervert!
oOo
Dorian: I'm bored.
Klaus+ groan +
Dorian: You're no fun any more.
Klaus: Oh, yeah+ pounces Dorian and rides him like a champion Thoroughbred +
Dorian: Works every time.
oOo
First Time In Bed
Dorian: Oh. You're so...small.
oOo
Dorian: That was...disappointing.
oOo
Klaus: ZZzzzzz
oOo
Dorian: Forget it. I've changed my mind.
oOo
SOME ONE LINERS
Dorian: I'm thinking of having a sex change...
oOo
Klaus: I don't know what to do. Will someone help me with this, please?
oOo
Klaus: Which of these earrings goes with this outfit?
oOo
Klaus: This hair is driving me crazy. I'm getting a buzz cut ASAP.
oOo
Dorian: Women really aren't so bad.
oOo
Bonham: I love you, Uncle NATO.
oOo
James: Money is no object.
oOo
Agent A: Fuck off, Major.
oOo
Agent G: I'm sick of dresses and makeup. I'm going back to suits and ties.
oOo
Alphabets: We'd LOVE to go to Alaska.
oOo
Mischa: I'm defecting.
oOo
Klaus: I'm defecting.
oOo
Dorian: Wow, that woman is stacked!
oOo
Klaus: I'm retiring and moving to Alaska.
oOo
Mischa: Polar Bear and I are engaged.
oOo
A: No, Major, I'm going home early.
oOo
Chief: Major, I've recommended you for a promotion.
oOo
Z: NATO sucks. I'm taking up flower arranging.
oOo
Butler: Klaus, I'm your father.
oOo
SISTER EROICA
Dorian+ arrives dressed as a nun + I've learned your weakness, Major. I'm Sister Eroica.
Klaus: That's creepy.
Dorian: But I brought you fried potatoes.
Klaus: Why didn't you say so? I love fried potatoes. + consumes mass quantities +
Dorian: Now, let's have sex.
Klaus: Okay.
Dorian: ...!
Klaus: Don't take the habit off.
Dorian: That's creepy!
o
(From The Reverand)
Klaus: Er... do you think we could have sex while eating the fried potatoes?
Sister Eroica: Well now you're just being silly.
o
(From Avendasora)
Dorian: Naughty boy! Fried potatoes don't go THERE!
Klaus: Real Germans put potatoes ANYWHERE.
o
(Back to Margaret Price)
Klaus: Now I have heartburn.
Dorian: Let me kiss it, make it better.
Klaus: Lower. And don't kiss. Suck.
Dorian: Oh, Major...
Klaus: Thank you, Sister.
oOo
Klaus on the internet:
- Surfs the net reading porn all day.
- Wastes time in chat rooms.
- Checks out local dating sites
- Discovers web site devoted to "that curly-haired son-of-a-bitch" and spams message board.
oOo
VERY SHORT STORIES
Klaus: I'm getting married.
Dorian: growl Who's the lucky girl?
Klaus: G
Dorian: ...!
oOo
Klaus: Nice dress, G.
G: ...! Erm, thank you, Major.
Klaus: You think they'll have it in my size?
G+ Has immediate mental breakdown +
Klaus: heh, heh. That's him taken care of.
oOo
(For Esda)
Dorian: You're not even sweating in all this heat.
Klaus: Heat and cold are a matter of discipline.
+ Dorian leaves after snark attack +
Klaus: About bloody time! A, turn on the air conditioning. I'm dying here.
oOo
Klaus: That's your problem. You've wasted all your time on pretty boys who don't know any better.
Dorian: What's that supposed to mean?
Klaus: You're not that good.
oOo
(For Lisa)
Papa Eberbach: Klaus, I'm getting married. I'd like you to meet Lady Gloria.
Lady Gloria: Oh, I have a daughter your age...
Klaus: I'm gonna go kill myself now.
oOo
Dorian: Of course I'm telling the truth. Would I lie to you?
Klaus: In a heartbeat.
oOo
Klaus: I need a hug.
Dorian: Here, let me.
Klaus+ purrs +
oOo
By Avendasora
James: That was worth every penny, and I'd pay twice the price to do it all over again.
oOo
By The Reverand
Bonham: Pardon me, My Lord, but wouldn't it be a splendid day to visit the Major? I have missed him so!
oOo
Z (to the Major): Get it yourself.
oOo
Dorian: Really, Major, put your pants back on.
oOo
Klaus: Oh, snap.
oOo
Mischa: Phooey! Foiled again!
Comrade: Don't you mean, "Curses! Foiled again!"?
Mischa: Please, Comrade. This is kiddie show.
oOo
Comrade: Comrade Mischa, is Major you said you killed in previous episode!
Mischa: Look, it's his book. If he wants to be hard to kill, let him.
oOo
By Esther
Klaus: "I feel like wearing pink today!"
oOo
Dorian: "Long hair is so unsightly. I prefer my hair cropped short."
oOo
James (to the Earl): "Of course you should buy that pair of shoes. You can never have enough shoes ₤ 100 matter? Money is no object!"
oOo
Z (to the Major): "No."
oOo
By Camilla
Klaus: Oh Dorian, you look absoloutely fabulous in that dress.
oOo
Dorian: Please explain the difference between the Luger and Beretta pistols again. I really want to know. Really.
oOo
Dorian: I am becoming a monk.
oOo
Dorian: What do you want for Christmas, darling?
Klaus: The newest James Bond video game would be fun.
oOo
Klaus: Z is doing what to earn some extra money!
Dorian+ glee +
oOo
Z: I love you, Dorian.
oOo
Klaus: I've had these strange dreams recently...
Dorian: Oh? About what, darling?
Klaus: They involved handcuffs and a whip.
Dorian+ dies +
Klaus: ...Must be prophetic.
Dorian+ dies once again +
oOo