No sooner had those three words escaped my lips than I knew it was a total mistake. I should not have said them but they got out before I realised it.
I had been walking peacefully in the hallway of the Black Order, going to the cafeteria. I had been happy all day as for once Link was absent as he had to go to Central to report about anything about the 14th. As I had turned a corner of the deserted hallway, I had bumped into someone and this someone had to be none other than Kanda Yuu. He had started insulting me so I had done so too. But then somewhere in our usual bickering, those three words just had to slip from my mouth. I had said the unforgivable; I had said "I love you" to the short-tempered samurai.
As soon as I said that, everything went silent between us. I closed my eyes, waiting for the other exorcist to say something. But what came next was something I had wished never happened. Kanda shoved me violently to the side, making me collide painfully against the nearby wall.
"Tsk, don't come near me again Baka Moyashi," He said bitterly, walking away, "you're disgusting." I stayed there, staring at his retreating form. My chest felt tight from hearing something like that from him; the object of my affection since half a year. If it had been from someone else I would not have even minded, now I was feeling like I was going to break down right here and there. My breath came into small pants and gradually my sight became blurry from tears that were threatening to fall. I quickly shook my head to forget about it all, though I was sure that it was completely in vain.
I turned on my heels and ran towards my room as if my life depended on it. I slammed the door behind me and as soon as I had done so, I let myself slid to the floor, my back against the door. I was suddenly not hungry anymore and instead of going to the cafeteria as I had planned before the incident, I stayed in my dark room until the next day, simply sitting on the floor, hugging my knees close to my chest, not even spilling even a single tear, and just staring into nothingness with Timcanpy flying around me.
"Walker! Open this door this instant!" Link's voice made me blink. I got up from my place on the floor, feeling my legs a bit numb from staying in the same position the whole night without moving. I had not slept all night but instead had stayed seated on the floor with my mind not even registering my surroundings.
I opened the door behind me and greeted Link as cheerfully as possible. It was a good thing that I was good at hiding my feelings, or else Link would have already known that something was wrong with me.
"Walker" the blond man said in all seriousness, "Jerry told me that you have not gone to eat neither lunch nor dinner yesterday. Can you tell me why" His tone was stern, leaving no room for argument. I would have to lie to him if I did not want the man to know the real reasons to my actions.
"Well, you see... Yesterday I was tired just before lunch and went to sleep," I lied, "So I think that I have slept since then." He looked at me suspiciously for some time but finally let it go.
"Then let's go to eat," he said, turning away and walking away slowly, "remember that you have to eat a lot because your innocence is a parasitic type." I closed the door and followed him slowly.
'I wonder if he's gonna be there,' I thought, 'I hope not...'
Fortunately Kanda was not there and I could eat my breakfast without worrying about him, though I had to force myself to eat more than doing it willingly. And it was a good thing that Link had not realised anything.
The rest of the day went by smoothly with me avoiding Kanda as much as possible by staying in my room with Link to 'work' on the paperwork I had and training on the training grounds only when I was sure that the Japanese exorcist would not be there.
A whole month passed by with the same routine of avoiding the Japanese exorcist when said exorcist was not on a mission. It was becoming more and more difficult for me to fake a simple smile and even my meals became in a lesser amount than usual. The others around me had started noticing the changes in me and kept asking me if I was feeling alright.
During that month, the 14th had been constantly communicating with me. At first I kept asking him to leave my body and me alone but I eventually gave up after some time. Even the will to keep my body to myself had decreased. But as time passed by, the 14th and I began getting along which surprised even me. At least I had someone to talk about my feelings to.
"I am going to the cafeteria while you are preparing yourself, Walker," Link informed me, opening the bedroom door, "you will hurry up and come and if I do not see you coming after a while, I will come and drag you there, understood?"With that he exited the room without even waiting for an answer from me.
I went to the bathroom attached to my bedroom and started taking a shower after getting rid of my clothes. I let the water flowing down my body without moving. It was quite relaxing. Suddenly I felt y chest tighten and it started aching painfully. I had no more strength in my legs and moments later, I collapsed on the tiled floor of the shower. I put my hand where the pain was coming from which was where my heart was situated. It was becoming difficult for me to breath and started coughing. I clasped my free hand over my mouth. My throat was becoming sore from coughing so much.
'What's happening?' I wondered. I felt something slipping in between my fingers from my mouth. I removed my hand and my eyes widened from shock. There was BLOOD in my open palm! Just what the hell was happening?
'Shit!' I suddenly heard the 14th Noah cursing.
'What is it?' I asked, 'Do you know something I don't?'
'Oh, well... Actually I think that you may be... um.. dying...' Eh?
'WHAT? Are you sure? Why?'
'I think it's because of your innocence. A parasitic type has a shorter life spam normally. And as you are my host, your life spam decreases even more...' I stayed silent for some time, letting the new information sink in.
'... Not that I care anyway. If I have to die then be so.' I replied moments later.
'Is that the only thing you can say?'
'What do you expect me to say' I asked annoyed, ''Oh, poor me. I don't want to die. I have so much to do. And also when the one I care the most does not even give a shit about me I have another good reason to live so as to suffer even more...' Yeah, great. Just fucking great!' I said sarcastically.
After that he did not reply. I let my body calm down a bit and then cleaned all the blood. Finished, I prepared myself with great difficulty as my body felt so weak and my vision sometimes became blurry and cloudy. I then went to the cafeteria for breakfast so that Link did not come to drag me there. I stayed close to the wall so that if I began to feel weak, I would be able to support my body weight by clinging to the wall.
At the cafeteria, I ordered my usual food but taking a bit less as I was not that hungry and went to sit at the table where Link was. He did not say anything and I started eating slowly, taking my time as I was not feeling too well. Timcanpy simply rested itself on my head, watching me eat. I sometimes gave him some mitarashi dango.
Sometime later, Lenalee and Lavi joined us and unfortunately, Lavi was dragging Kanda with him. They sat at the table and Lenalee and Lavi started chatting cheerfully.
"Allen-kun, are you alright?" I suddenly heard Lenalee ask, "You look really pale."
"You remind me of the old panda with those dark bags under your eyes," Lavi added, as worriedly as Lenalee. I felt bad for making them worry about me.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied, though I had to force my voice out to talk, "Don't worry guys."
I could feel Kanda's gaze on me a moment though it disappeared as quickly as it had started. I oh-so wanted a hole to appear out of nowhere and absorb me away from there. I quickly finished my meal and followed Link back to the room after a quick and small goodbye to my friends.
The days passed really slowly for me, with occasional attacks. Fortunately no one had realised that I was dying though it made me feel insignificant... It was a good thing that I went only rarely on missions. So my weakness was less evident. But I think Lavi had started suspecting something as he would always ask me if I was alright just when my attacks would begin. I would find a way or another to escape from his sight so that he would not see me, but still I think he doubted that I was alright.
I thought that now that my heart had been broken and that I was literally dying, that nothing could go any worst than that, but I was wrong, completely wrong...
I had gone on a long term mission with Link (obviously), Lavi and Bookman and when I got back, I was told something I really did not want to know; Kanda and Lenalee had gotten together during my absence (though Komui had threatened Kanda not to even go less than 10 meters near his dear Lenalee which said swordsman did not even listen to). I already knew that Kanda did not give a damn about me but deep, deep, deep, inside I was hoping that it was not true. But no I was sure that the one who had captured his heart was Lenalee, as painful as it was.
I forced myself to be happy for my friends as they were both important to me. It was not Lenalee's fault that she too had fallen for the Japanese exorcist and she did not even know that I had feelings for the same person. So I could not bring myself to hate her. Lenalee was like a sister to me anyway. So I just bared with it and ignored the both of them as much as possible.
Weeks passed by. Lenalee and Kanda would often be found together. I tried avoiding them as best as I could when I was out of my room, but it seemed like luck was not on my side as I was given a mission with both of them... just great!
Komui did not want his dear little sister alone with Kanda, so he sent me with them so that nothing would happen with both Link's and my presences...
Lenalee, Link, Kanda and I were all sitting in a compartment of a train, waiting for it to reach our destination. Lenalee had been acting weird around me lately but I let it go.
Suddenly Link got up and said, "I am going to see how long until we reach our destination." And with that he was gone; leaving me inwardly pleading he would return quickly so that I did not have to stay too long alone with the two people I wanted to avoid the most. I looked out the window so that my eyes would not lock with any o them accidentally.
"Yuu? Where are you going?" I heard Lenalee's voice asking softly. From the corner of my eyes I could see that Kanda was up and was going towards the door.
"I need a walk," was his only reply before he left us alone. Being with Lenalee made me slightly more comfortable, though it was not enough for me to relax... I continued looking out of the window, not meeting her eyes.
"Allen-kun?" she said moments later of silence.
"Yes,Lenalee. Is something wrong?" I asked politely, turning my head so as to look at her. She had an unreadable expression on her face. I had never seen her like that; she seemed angry and also... disgusted? No, it was Lenalee I was talking about. Maybe my eyes were getting worse too...?
"I can't believe you!" She exclaimed angrily, making me jump. I blinked at her, not knowing what I could have done to make her angry. "I thought we were friends! Yuu told me what you've said to him. Everyone at the Order has seen the changes in you. What are you trying to do? Are you trying to make Yuu pity you so that you can steal him away from me?" I did not know what to say to that. That was not true! She got it all wrong!
"That's not it-..." I started but got interrupted by Lenalee.
"Don't try to deny it, Allen-kun!" she spat angrily, "I know what you want! You are pitiful Allen-kun. You're disgusting for even liking someone of the same gender. I hate you for trying to take my love from me! I wish you could just DYE!"
That was the final strike. I felt my heart shatter in my chest. I lowered my head, looking down at my hands on my lap, not feeling like defending myself. The one I loved hated my gut, the one I considered as my sister hated me too and had called me names, my other best friend was just a fake so as to record history, the Order thought that I would betray the because of the Noah inside of me and my innocence was slowly killing me. What did I have left to live for? Nothing...
Moments later, both Kanda and Link came back. Lenalee was glaring out of the window while my eyes were still starring down at my hands, though I was unseeing...
We had arrived at our destination moments ago. As soon as our feet touched the ground, we had gotten attacked by level 4 akuma. So all of us engaged ourselves into a harsh battle.
Suddenly I saw Kanda getting cornered by seven akuma. Though he was a strong exorcist, he could not take care of them alone. I quickly finished the three akuma I was fighting, pushed Kanda just in time from an incoming blow from one of the akuma but getting in his place in the process. I felt the intense pain when the arm of the akuma went right through me. Blood began pouring out of the gashing wound though I did not really care about it. All I cared about was to know that Kanda was safe and sound. I wanted all of this to end soon and that was my chance.
No sooner had my body touched the ground than a bitter smile appeared on my face. The way my life would end was quite pitiful. Lenalee was right; I was pitiful. Lenalee... I wondered if she was alright...? And Link...? He would get angry when he would find out about my death... Oh, well... he would understand.
I was feeling my life being drained from me. Around me everything was silent. Since a long time I felt at peace. The sky above my head became blurry and finally the darkness overwhelmed me, leaving a small peaceful smile on my lips, but not before I saw my most important person rushing towards me. And for once there was another emotion in his eyes other than anger and hate directed at me; it was worry and guilt...
'Rest peacefully, my dear nephew,' Neah's voiced was heard one last time in my head before I finally let everything behind me.
This was my first fanfic EVER.. so please review so that I can improve and know my mistakes...
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