I Hate Watching You Wonder
Authors Note: So I hope BTR gets some more KendallxLogan action going because I am losing my mind making plots about why there have suddenly ceased to be any Kogan moments. On a side note I don't know if anyone cares or watches American Idol, but Casey and Haley would/do make an adorable couple. Ahem- Anyway read and review! I want to know what you guys think!
It's another night where the guilt has overwhelmed me to the point where I can't sleep. It's another night that you're all I think about.
I look over to your bed, still so close to mine, and see your face. You're black hair is a mess flying in every direction without the gel there to hold it in place. I've always liked your hair better without the gel in it.
Your face looks tight with your brows knitted together as though even while you're sleeping you're thinking of some complicated math equation.
I wish you'd give your brain a break. I know you're tired. I know it's my fault.
I know I should stay in bed and try to sleep, but I can't make myself. It seems as though standing up to walk to your bed is a better option.
I sit at the edge of your bed, close enough to reach my hand out and push your hair out of your eyes.
"Ken..dall…" Even in your sleep you say my name as you move your body closer to me.
You work so hard to hide this from me, and yet even in your sleep you give yourself away.
I run my hand absent mindedly through your hair; I will probably continue to do so as long as I'm sitting on your bed.
This used to happen all the time.
I used to spend most of my nights sitting on your bed, running my hand through your hair. Of course back then I would wake you up within a minute or two. I would look in your big brown eyes and grin, and you'd just lift up your blanket and invite me in.
But that was then.
Now I don't know what would happen if I woke you up.
This is just a sick game I play with myself. I wish it didn't affect you like it does. I wish you didn't have to deal with my inability to let you go.
In Minnesota things were easier, I think.
There were no new faces, and even if there had been, yours was always the most beautiful to me. I remember kissing you in the snow in the woods behind my house. The snow was pounding down hard and your cheeks were just starting to get red. I remember that it was cold, but with you everything felt warm. I could have frozen to death with you out in the snow and been happy.
Now it's not that simple. Every day is different here, every person is different here.
It never snows here.
When we got here we thought we'd be fine. We'd hold on to each other.
I wrecked that.
Everything seemed to turn into a struggle. Being alone together seemed to never happen, and when it did we were always too tired and annoyed to enjoy it.
I think my problem started with Camille.
She wanted you from the moment you walked into the Palm Woods. You know as well as I do that I'm the jealous type. You know I'm the insecure type.
How many times did I lash out without telling you what was bothering me?
When Jo came I just wanted something to do. I wanted to keep my mind off of you. I was jealous and insecure about us. We were fighting. We'd never fought before.
Going after Jo was probably when shit hit the fan.
I didn't think I'd get to be with her, just like you didn't. James gets the girls. It's always been the rule.
When I found out she had a boyfriend she became even more perfect. You could be jealous for once, and I could continue trying to make her like me. It would be a good game to play, something to pass the time.
Looking back it all sounds so stupid.
She wasn't supposed to like me. But more than that, I wasn't supposed to like her. But I did.
She wasn't like you. You're so comfortable with me, so easy going. You're the angel on my shoulder telling me to do the right thing, but you stand by me when I don't. You don't expect much from me, you're happy eating fish sticks and watching hockey. You love me no matter what.
She's an easy going girl, but we're still not completely comfortable together. She makes me make my own decisions and hopes they workout. She expects so much from me. She needs me to work for our relationship. She'll only love me as much as I love her.
She's a lot like me in some ways. At the time I just wanted a distraction.
It was the party where she told you to go for Camille that broke us. Not because she suggested it, but because you went for it.
You knew I was insecure. You knew I was jealous.
You knew I was starting to like Jo more and more.
It was an out. You were trying to show me you'd be okay if I dumped you.
I was basically cheating on you in plain sight, and you were worried about me feeling bad.
When we got back to our room that night, we just stared at each other. We were falling apart Logie, and it was all my fault.
You looked at me like you were waiting for the blow, but I couldn't say it. So you ended it for me.
The thing about breaking up with you is that it's hard for the two of us to breakup. We live together, work together, hangout together.
How to we differentiate between dating and being best friends? We can't.
How many slip-ups have I had? How many times have I come back from a date with Jo only to tell you that I love you? How many times have I reached for you when I needed comfort? How many times have I stopped you from moving on?
I know I'm confusing you. I know you don't know how I feel anymore. You can't because I don't.
So much of me misses you. So much of me wants to curl up beside you and just hold you.
But Jo has become someone so important to me, and I really do think I might love her.
The part I hate the most is what this does to you. You pretend you don't still love me, and I can see the toll it takes on you. You pretend that you don't notice how I date Jo and yet continue to string you along like we're still dating.
I hate watching you wonder.
"Kendall.." You say my name again and roll closer to me.
"I'm here Logan." I can't help but lean down and kiss your brow. I hate what I do to you.
In the morning I wake up to sunlight pouring in through our window. I can't remember falling asleep, but as I look around I realize I'm in your bed. But you aren't in it anymore.
I can imagine you sitting in the kitchen mulling over a bowl of cereal wondering why I was in your bed.
When I walk out I know you'll look at me with questioning eyes, wondering if I've decided I want you over Jo.
But I'll drop my eyes to your gaze, and you'll want to scream at me to just choose. To pick you or her, and then let the other person move on.
But you won't, because I can see in your eyes that you're scared of what my answer will be.
And I'll ignore every questioning look, because I'm not ready to choose, and I'm not ready to let you go.