Chapter 1 - The Moment

This train has been my sanctuary for the last two years. Every morning I enjoy the ride into Manhattan, excited about what the day ahead might bring. Every night I use the calm of the ride home to reflect on the day's events and plan for tomorrow. I cannot handle any distractions on my train.

I squirmed in my seat. For the first time ever, the air felt too hot, the seat too small and the lights too bright. One week, it had only been one week and already I'm a mess. That was five days of preoccupation, during which time I have had the same recurring dream, resulting in less sleep than my skin was happy about. I've had to increase my concealer and skin creams, just to mask the dark circles forming under my eyes. This has never been a problem before.

Okay, that's a lie. Now I'm lying to myself too. It had been a problem, almost exactly 6 years ago. And dammit, all that lost sleep was not worth it in the end. It wouldn't be this time either, I'm sure of it. Especially since I seem to be the only one perturbed by this particular change of circumstance.

But that damn dream.

"Excuse me. Sir." The conductor stops right in front of me. I will myself to make eye contact with him. He hesitates for a moment, leaving the sir hanging in the air. I feel the desperate need to fill the space. So I state my name, as it seems like a logical insert, "Kurt."

This appears to be the confirmation he was looking for, as he then continues boldly, "There seems to be problem with your ticket. Would you mind coming with me?" The question at the end is said more as a command. I feel that I have no other option than to rise from my seat, slightly flushed, and follow him down the narrow train aisle.

I can hear my heart beat pounding in my ears. The heat that had immediately tainted my cheeks remains firmly in place, drawing blood from other vital parts of my body. I can feel my fingers losing their blood flow and turning to ice.

I stare at the conductor's back because there really is nowhere else for my eyes to look. The gray uniform is a horrible shade against his skin tone but obviously he had no say in this fashion decision. And even though the colour does not suit him at all, the fit is rather flattering. His shoulders are broad without being too wide and the shirt is tucked in, revealing a slender waist. I can't bring myself to look any lower, so I flick my eyes upward again and examine the strength that is evident in his arms, even as they swing minutely at his sides as he walks ahead of me.

He stops abruptly. I almost crash into his backside, but quickly catch myself. He swings a small door to our left open and steps in. I move a step forward, confused as to what is happening. He grabs my arm and pulls me inside. A small gasp escapes my lips before the door is locked behind me. My eyes blink as I try to focus into the dimly lit room. Well, its more of a small closet with a few cleaning supplies resting neatly in the corner. I never even knew the room was here because its clearly a staff only area.

My back is pressed against the door. There is barely enough room in here for both of us. The conductor's breath is hot against my neck because he is a couple inches shorter than me. The pounding in my ears has not let up, I'm sure any second that my heart is going to burst an ear drum. He must feel it, hear it. Know that he's causing it.

And then he's there. Right in my face. His lips are parted and he closes the gap between us quickly. My eyes flutter closed and I feel the softness of his lips caress mine before he pulls back. My lips desperately search out his, but he pulls back even further. I can see the small teasing smile on his face. Then he steps backward, only an inch, but just enough so that there is no physical contact between us. I know what he's doing, I can read it in his gorgeous eyes. This is my chance, my choice. He's shown me that he's interested and now he's giving me an out.

This is the moment, the one that I will replay in my head a thousand times. Every time that my world is bursting with love and joy, and every time its dark and painful. Will the choice I make be the right one? Does it matter? Did I really have a choice at all?

I feel like an eternity passes between us. That time no longer matters, not the amount of time behind us nor the amount that stretches ahead untainted. I know its only been a second and I know he can read everything in that second that flashed in my eyes. He remains unwavering. His eyes are steady and focused on me.

I do not need to think. My heart and my head are in agreement. My hands move in a flash and twist into his hair. I pull him forward as he steps fully into my personal space. There is no gap between our bodies as he molds his to fit into mine. The kiss is everything it needs to be.

My dream flashes inside my head as we break apart, both gasping for air. Only one sound escapes my lips, Blaine.