Serena stood firm to the spot, staring at the closing door that Bernie flew out of seconds before. In those few moments she felt every emotion she could possibly feel, pain, anger, hurt, confusion...
"Are you ok, Serena?" A voice called from behind. Recognising it was Raf she quickly turned around, mumbled "I don't want to talk about it" and headed for the office.
She sat staring at her desk in the silence surrounding her, head in hands wondering what the hell just happened! What on earth went wrong? One minute She was ecstatic to be having dinner at Bernies with Jason being away and the next completely floored by the revelation that in fact dinner wasn't going to happen but Ukraine was most definitely back on the cards.
Why? Why? Why? She thought... questions going around.
Serena gathered her thoughts, finished organising her things, grabbed her coat and left the office. Walking down the corridor with determined footing she knew and felt she could not let this happen. If Bernie thinks she is going to get under her skin and allow serena to be emotionally attached and then just bugger off then she can think twice!
With a strong willed desire serena hot footed it to the car park, noticing on the way that bernies car had gone. She threw her bag and belongings into the back seat, jumped into the drivers seat, key in the ignition and left Holby car park.
Approaching Bernies studio apartment Serena felt apprehensive, not as determined as she did 30 minutes ago leaving the hospital.
"Come on Campbell, fight for her" she shouted to herself.
She was here.
Getting a glimpse of Bernies car parked up in the parking bay outside made her catch her breath. Parking up in the visitors parking bay with a quick turn, she applied the handbrake, exhaled and decided it was now or never.
Serena walked up to the flats hesitantly, noticing a couple with a baby leaving,she quickly stepped up her pace to catch the door before it closed. Fear was setting in, she didn't even know what she would say, what she would do. One thing for sure was she was in no mood for excuses, she wanted answers and she wasn't going to leave until she got them!
No 34... serena stood gathering herself together, slowly inhaling, adjusting her coat quick clear of the throat. 'It's now or never' she thought..
Knock knock knock...
Footsteps could be heard echoing the other side of the door, getting closer and closer...
Serena held her breath as the door opened..
As soon as Serena saw Bernie, fire lit inside her. Bursting her way in and past Bernie she marched in and through to the open plan living space.
"What the hell gives you the audacity to allow me to be open and honest with you about how I feel for you to just decide at some point throughout the shift that your going to do a complete 360 and bugger off to Kiev without even giving me an explanation. And before you even start to proceed with the notion that your intentions are purely career minded we both know that isn't your reason Bernie!"
Bernie stared, wide eyed.. stunned in fact for a few seconds. She had never seen this type of fight or anger in Serena before, let alone think she would ever be on the end of such wrath.
"Well?...not going to answer or you just going to do what you usually do, shake it off, show no emotion, keep calm and carry on?... isn't that what you specialise in?"
"Serena, I...I don't know what to say... this... this is not what I expected" Bernie replied looking like a rabbit lost in the headlights. "This isn't about you or us, I want to give you space to decide what you want"
"Oh how thoughtful of you!" Serena snapped. "And here was me thinking you made the decision for both of us, or rather me, because Bernie wolfe would never dream of walking away than facing up to an issue, not being the 'big macho army medic'" Serena quipped.
"So come on Bernie, I want the real reason..." with that Serena took off her coat threw it over the back of Bernies deep brown leather studded sofa marched over to Bernies kitchen cupboard, knowing exactly where Bernie kept her supply of malt whiskeys & red wine. Opened the top cupboard slammed a glass down, reached below grabbed a bottle of finest malt which was only ever Serenas choice when she was angry as hell! "Don't mind do you" she exclaimed to Bernie, holding the glass in the air.
"Er...no, go ahead" Bernie answered trying to avoid Serenas glare.
Serena poured her drink and sat on the sofa. "I'm all ears Bernie"
Bernie walked along the counter of her kitchen stroking her hand along the cold black glittery marble, grabbed a glass and the bottle and proceeded to sit down opposite Serena.
Silence... ghostly silence between them.
"I can see your not going to let this go" Bernie mumbled looking at the floor, the hair of her fringe flickering in time with her lashes. "I got scared Serena"
"Of me?" Serena exclaimed, surprised.
"No, of me, the person I am" Bernies voice was shaking. The way it does when she has to talk from the heart but tries to hide the emotion. That's what years in the army taught her. Straight face, show no sign of fear to the enemy. But sat opposite wasn't her enemy. Sat opposite her was the woman she had formed a close friendship to, a strong bond that she hadn't felt for a long time with any other human being.
"I'm not good Serena at being open. I'm sorry I left the way I did, the decision I've made, I'll still be coming back to holby after this trauma unit is fully functional in Ukraine"
"You know Bernie that I'm not after an explanation as to why you have chose to leave the hospital to go to Kiev, I'm after an explanation as to why one minute we had plans for tonight and the next you tell me you accepted the secondment and just walked out!" " do I not deserve a little bit more than that?" Bernie glanced up to look at Serena hearing the shakiness of her voice. Serenas eyes glazed over, all it needed was for one delicate blink to allow a tear to fall. Tears of anger. Bernie stood up and moved next to Serena, inches apart, within touching distance, inhaling Serenas scent of perfume, the very perfume she smelt when she would open the office door and be greeted by her beautiful, welcoming smile. "Serena I felt like I had to make a choice, if anything to give us both time and space to decide what we wanted. After we operated on fletch I remember sitting on the theatre floor with you and for the first time since I joined holby I felt like I had let myself down, let the team down. For the first time ever I questioned if taking this job was a bad decision. Coming to Holby was a decision I made with Marcus. All those years of missing out on the children, the strain it put on my marriage.."
Serena could see how hard it was for Bernie to open up, deep inside she felt guilty for putting Bernie in this position. It needed to be done though, she needed answers.
Bernie gazed at Serena, noticing a tear stain from her eye to her jaw bone.
"You told me I was the most talented fearless doctor" Serena smiled as she remembered that moment.
"And then you kissed me.." Bernie was taken aback slightly at Serenas memory and bluntness, not one to hold back.
"Yes, yes I did... but if I remember right you grabbed me and kissed me back" she quickly replied with a smirk noticing serenas cheek blush, the tense air between them slowly evaporating.
"I felt, Serena, in that moment compelled to kiss you, I didn't know if you would freak out, distance yourself, possibly completely ruin the strong friendship we have built up"
Bernie necked her drink back feeling the sudden burn down her throat and wanting the relief so badly.
"Want another?" Bernie asked raising her glass
"Don't mind if I do... thanks"
Bernie poured the drinks and reached onto the solid wooden coffee table for her packet of fags. "Don't mind do you?"
"It's your place, you don't need my permission" exclaimed Serena...
Bernie stood up and proceeded to the balcony door. The view from her apartment was pretty breath taking, overlooking the city.
Serena gazed around Bernies apartment. She had only been here once before when Bernie had to pick up a presentation document for Hanssen when the trauma bay was being put into action. She never noticed just how homely the wide open space was. If she hadn't of drove 30 minutes from work she would of assumed she was in the middle of New York. Huge apartment, deep red brick walls, beautiful furniture.
"How have you settled in here?" She shouted over her shoulder whilst Bernie was smoking on the balcony, trying to throw in some light hearted questions to settle he atmosphere a little.
"I mean, going from a family home to a huge spacious apartment"
" I was hardly ever home anyway and when I was I spent as much time as I could out of the house with the children"
" I am sorry you know Serena"
Serena looked at Bernie raising an eyebrow "for?..."
"For walking out the way I did. I thought time apart would give you,... us a better chance at figuring out what it is we want"
Bernie finished first her cigerette and proceeded to walk towards Serena, perching herself on the end of the sofa.
" I have feelings for you, anyone I get close to I tend to destroy... I'm not good opening up about how I feel, sometimes it's easier to just cut emotional ties and run"
"You haven't got far" Serena joked with a smile
"Ha ha... you didn't give me a chance really Serena, you just nearly took me off my feet when you flew yourself through my door"
"Bernie, I can't let you go... not like this"
Bernie took one look at Serenas sad face and stood up walking over to the opposite side of the room, swilling her drink in the glass. Not wanting to be so close to see the hurt in Serenas eyes, the hurt she had caused.
"It's for the best Serena, I'll be back before you know it, we can talk then"
Serena stared at bernie in complete shock... is that it, she thought, is that all she can say.
Serena slammed her glass down on the table in front stood up sharply to retrieve her coat from behind her..and walked sharply out of the open space heading for the door, she turned around abruptly...
"You Bernie are a coward! I understand your reasons of friendships and being to scared to get close, we all have fears bernie! I came here because you shut down, build a wall every god dam time! You never let me in! In fact you've made me feel like I've done something wrong!"Bernie could see the anger in serenas eyes, the loud sharp toned voice and her straight bold stance.
"You don't get to turn my life upside down, question who I am, make me believe we could somehow sort this out and then the next minute your buggering off to Ukraine without any explanation in front of the whole ward. The same ward that up until an hour or so ago we were running together without an issues and the same wars that I have to walk back into tomorrow to gossip and whispers because I tried to stop you from leaving! After this bernie you honestly think when you do feel the need to return from your little project we will even be able to work together again!"
"Serena!" Bernie stopped Serenas rant dead in her tracks with her sudden loud deep voice
"Your being ridiculous and not professional!"
The room was tense, these two fiery woman at opposite ends of the room both hurting, both hiding their feelings.
"Serena please don't do this, I don't want us to fall out"
"Well maybe Bernie you should of thought about that before allowing me to fall in love with you!"
Silence
Bernie was floored and Serena floored herself with her sudden outburst.
"You... love me?" Bernie questioned, her heart beating that fast she could swear you could see it through her top.
Bernie stood in silence
"Well at least one of us can be honest"...Serena inhaled... "yes... I love you"... Serena exhaled