Of Crazy Cat Ladies and Chocolate…
A/N: BANE144: Just so y'all know, this was cowritten by me and one of my very odd and disturbed friends. Yes, it's random, and no, I am not obsessed with Harry Potter anymore…much. Anyways, this is why you don't give me sugar and a typewriter, although it is kinda funny to watch…The parts in this where the characters names are in caps are mine, and the other parts are his.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter or underlord. The only things that are mine are parts of the twisted plot and bane144…ENJOY…
No Cats, wizards, rap singers, monkeys, evil wizards, cheese, chips, random people, wands or insane people were hurt in the making of this story. This is just for fun, and is not meant to be taken seriously (unless you are a complete idiot, then you can take it seriously as you want).
It was a normal Saturday night at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. They students were all safe in bed, except for four who were sitting alone in the Gryffindor common room.
HARRY: Why are we still up? Shouldn't we, you know, be sleeping?
HERMIONE: Sleep is overrated! Staying up is cool! And if we're not up, the author will have nothing to write about and that would be very sad because we would be stifling her creative genius.
GINNY: I agree with Hermione! Staying up is cool!
HARRY: You know it is possible to say something in more than one breath.
RON: INSANITY!!!
BANE144: You people are morons! No wonder J.K.R is having trouble finishing the last book!
HARRY: Who the hell are you?
BANE144: I am Bane144
GINNY: Wow, that helps!
RON: Does that mean you're related to Bane the centaur?
BANE144: Do I look like a centaur?
RON: No…
BANE144: THEN I'M NOT A CENTAUR, YOU MORON!!!
HARRY: Somebody needs anger management…
BANE144: I do not!
HARRY: Sure…
HERMIONE: That still doesn't answer the question of who you are. The only thing it proves is that Ron is a moron, and we already knew that.
RON (after a pause): HEY!!!
HERMIONE: I rest my case…
BANE144: I'm here to make the fans happy…
GINNY: That sounded sooo wrong coming out of your mouth…
HARRY: Yes, but who are you?
BANE144: I already told you, I'm Bane144.
RON: Does that mean you're related to Bane the centaur?
GINNY: This is going nowhere…
HERMIONE: Ron, shut up and let the nice lady talk.
BANE144: If you all shut it, I'll give you a special surprise.
GINNY: This better not be like the last surprise I got. I'm still getting the grass stains out of my blouse…
RON: I'm not even going to ask…
Bane144 pulls a small cooler out from somewhere behind her. Inside, are two things that are so wonderful, so beautiful and so precious, that they are awed. That is, until:
HERMIONE: OMG!!! YOU HAVE SPRITE!!! AND CHOCOLATE!!! GIMME SOME!!! (she attacks Bane144 in a desperate attempt to get to the chocolate)
GINNY: And I thought Harry had problems…
RON: I like cheese!
HARRY: I'm scared! I want my mommy!
GINNY: Wait, did she say CHOCOLATE? I WANT SOME!!! (she joins Hermione in attacking Bane144)
HARRY: Are all girls this insane, or is it just these two?
RON: Maybe they just like chocolate?
HARRY: Don't be an idiot, Ron. Everybody knows that girls hate chocolate!
RON: Sure, cause that makes waaay more sense…
UNDERLORD: I AM UNDERLORD! HEAR ME ROAR!!!
BANE144: Yay, good to see you! So, how's the whole 'being an evil slytherin that likes to kill people' thing going?
UNDERLORD: Oh, you know how it is. If people weren't so stupid, I wouldn't have to kill them, but whatever. I mean, someone actually dared to send me a VALENTINE!!! HOW DARE THEY!!! I SHALL KEEL THEM!!!
BANE144: That was me…
(awkward silence)
UNDERLORD: Oh.
BANE144: Oh. OH. THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY!!!
UNDERLORD: Somebody needs to lay off the sugar…
HARRY: Dude, don't go there.
UNDERLORD: So…need help with anything?
BANE144: Well, you could help get these two away from the chocolate…(points to Ginny and Hermione, who are fighting over a chocolate bar)
UNDERLORD: (takes all the chocolate and eats it)
BANE144: I wanted some of that!!!
UNDERLORD: Too bad! Anyways, I know from experience that you and chocolate are NOT a good idea…
GINNY: Sharing is caring!
UNDERLORD: I'm ebil; I'm not supposed to care!
HARRY: Ebil?
UNDERLORD: It's a cooler way of saying evil.
HERMIONE: I knew that.
RON: Sure you did…
HARRY: Dude, seriously, don't go there.
RON: Cause, you can't even confess when you don't know something.
HERMIONE: (attacks Ron)
HARRY: I told you not to go there, but nooo; you just had to keep talking, didn't you?
GINNY: So… why are you here?
BANE144: Have you ever heard of the show 'Pimp my ride'?
GINNY: What is this 'Pimp' you speak of?
RON: I think it's a muggle word…
BANE144: I'm going to take that as a no…
UNDERLORD: So…it's going to be like a "Pimp my favorite Harry Potter character'?
BANE144: Sort of…but there are only two of us and four of them.
UNDERLORD: So we take two each? I CALL HARRY AND RON!!!
RON: (eats cheese in the corner)
HARRY: (runs around like a little kid on sugar)
BANE144: You can have them!!! THAT MEANS I GET GINNY AND HERMIONE!!!
GINNY: (sits in a chair and reads)
HERMIONE: (knits a scarf)
UNDERLORD: cackles evilly
BANE144: (makes fun of underlord's cackle)
CRAZY CAT LADY: (throws cats)
AUDIENCE: (groans)
BANE144: KILL THE MONKEYS!!! (stabs stuffed monkey)
MONKEYS: WE LOVE YOU TOO!!! (they start crying)
ANIMAL ACTIVISTS: SHE MADE THE MONKEYS CRY!!! ATTACK!!! (they attack)
BANE144: NOOO!!! I was kidding about the whole 'kill the monkeys' thing! (runs away)
UNDERLORD: She's gone! She's really gone! Lets limbo! (they limbo)
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: This is silly. It was fine before, but now it's getting silly.
BANE144: Did I ask for your opinion, director man? Huh? HUH? Did I? DID I?
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: She's scaring me…
UNDERLORD: She scares everyone. See? (points to people huddled up in corner, looking scared)
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: I think I'll join them…
BANE144: That's right, run away!!! You were a sucky director anyways!!!
UNDERLORD: I don't think sucky is a word…
BANE144: Mwhahahahaha
UNDERLORD: HEY, I'M THE EBIL ONE IN THIS FIC!!! ALL THE EBILNESS IS MINE!!! MINE, I TELL YOU, MINE!!! ALL MINE!!! AND, YOUR EBIL LAUGH SUCKS!!!
GINNY: I think the randomness in this fic is getting out of hand…
HARRY: You realize that, now?
RON: I think we should leave before the underling dude decides he doesn't like gryffindors…
HERMIONE: I think that's the best idea you've ever had, Ron. (they leave)
BANE144: WAIT, COME BACK!!! THIS CANT BE A STORY ABOUT HARRY POTTER WITHOUT HARRY POTTER!!! COME BAAACK!!! (she chases after them)
UNDERLORD: She really does need to lay off the sugar…
CRAZY CAT LADY: (throws cats)
CAT LOVERS: YOU'RE HURTING THE CATS!!!
CRAZY CAT LADY: (throws cats)
UNDERLORD: And people wonder why I'm ebil…(kills crazy cat lady)
Bane144: I GOT EM!!! (she walks down holding the gang)
UNDERLORD: (sigh) must we do this Bane? I don't really care about the millions of geeks who read this book…
Bane144:… HEY! I READ THESE BOOKS!
UNDERLORD: Who doesn't! Wait, I DO TOO AHHHHHHHH
Harry: Mommy…wait, I don't have a mom, DAMN YOU VOLDERMORT!
Ron: (winces) cheese…
UNDERLORD: HEY! I know that dude! He's pretty cool
Hermione: He's an evil dark wizard!
UNDERLORD: oh right and I'm a little girl who likes to dance through fields of flowers! AND IT'S EBIL!
Ginny: hehe, I dig the bad boys
Bane144: Underlord, we need to pimp this book! FOR THE FANS!
Underlord: FINE! (puts on some rap) God, what kinda idiot makes this stuff!
Xzibit: HEY! THAT BE MY MUSIC! (punches underlord)
Hermione: The randomness its so…
Ginny: Random?
Ron; CHEESE!!!!!
Harry: Well can we get this over with so I can kill Voldemort?
Harry's wand suddenly has hundreds of diamonds and pieces of gold stuck on it.
UNDERLORD: you just got PIMPED!
Voldemort step in out of nowhere
Voldemort: UNDERLORD, how you been bro (pounds fist)
UNDERLORD: Suuup man! It's been like foreva!
Bane144: You know he must who not be named?!
Underlord: Who's that?
Bane144: Him!
Underlord: You mean Ron?
Ron: CHEESEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Hey underlord? Are you, like the king…of ….underwear?
Underlord: WHAT AN IDIOT!
Hermione: Have you JUST figured that out?
Bane144: Maybe you were right, pimping these people wasn't very smart
Ginny: (walks up to Voldemort) Hey there sexy
Harry; DIE VOLDERMORT! (shoots magically blasty thingy)
Voldemort: Can we do this another time Harry? (Kisses Ginny then they start making out)
Bane144 and underlord start to look at each other and start laughing their asses off
Ron: HEY, THAT'S MY SISTER! (runs at Voldemort)
Voldemort holds out a piece of cheese
Ron (in a trance): Cheeeeeese mmmmm takes cheese and goes into corner my cheese…my precious, precious CHEESE! BWUAHAHAHAHA I SHALL TAKE U ALL OVER WITH A LOAF OF CHEESE
Hermione: I'm in the mood for nachos (zaps cheese, it melts and goes on chips)
Harry: What are nachos?
Hermione: Ummm never mind
Ron; MY CHEESE, NOOOOOOOOOOO! (jumps out window) I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMOREEEE!
Hermione: Freakin moron.
Ron: I AM NOT A MORON!
Hermione: You're supposed to be dead!
Ron: STILL FALLING, BIIIG CASTLE!!!
Bane144: Can we PLEASE get this over with?
UNDERLORD: (sniff) NACHOS! (grabs nachos) mmmmmmmm
Hermione: YOU'RE EVIL!
UNDERLORD: THAT'S IT! (zaps Hermione) ITS EBIL YOU MORON!
Just so you know, Hermione disappeared.
Harry runs to Bane144: Aw hell (kisses her) HAHAHA I KISSED A CENTAUR!
Bane144; I AM NOT A CENTAUR! (slaps him)
UNDERLORD starts laughing so hard that he begins crying and rolling on the floor
Bane144 runs up to UNDERLORD and slaps him: YOU ASS!
Harry: DIE VOLDERMORT (shoots magical stuff)
A big gold chained gold necklace reflects Harry's shot and goes back to him. Harry then ends up looking exactly like Voldemort
Ginny (lets go of Voldemort): OOOOooOOOooo (walks up top Harry/Voldemort) Hey sexy…
Voldemort: YOU SLUT!
This is basically the end. Bane144 went back to the fangirls and got pummeled to death. UNDERLORD went back to the underworld. Sadly everyone down there watched what Ginny said and all walked around in their underwear. UNDERLORD now suffers from severe depression. Ginny and Harry/Voldemort got married, since their wedding they have not stopped kissing. Ron should reach the bottom in…3, 2, 1
Ron: HEY THIS IS AWESOME IM NOT DEAD! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE splat
The End
Random person: I AM SO TOTALLY RANDOM!
UNDERLORD: You stupid random person ZAP random person disappears
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT