Kunoichi or a Girl?

by ncfan

Sakura is told that she's considered too scary to date. Her reaction?

Characters: Sakura, Tenten, Temari, Ino, Hinata, others mentioned
Summary: Sakura is told that she's considered too scary to date. Her reaction?
Pairings: ShinoHina, NejiTen, ShikaTema, others mentioned
Author's Note: As you've probably noticed, this is a parody. In fact, the most accurate reading of the genre of Kunoichi or a Girl? could be said to be Humor/Parody/Friendship, but seeing as I can only put in two genres, I'm going with Humor/Parody. And for those of you who scream "Sakura bashing!", whatever. It's not, but whatever; I do try to put Sakura in as sympathetic a light I can considering the situation she finds herself in for this story.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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It was a brilliantly lovely summer's day in Konohagakure no Sato, but Haruno Sakura wasn't about to notice the jewel tone of the cloudless sky or the riotous roses or their perfume, and there was no question as to why. Instead, about all Sakura was noticing was the sympathetic but still firm frowns on the faces of the other kunoichi.

Actually, she wasn't noticing that. She was too far gone in a rant to be noticing much of anything at all.

"They think I'm scary? What do you mean they think I'm scary?" Sakura stared desperately at the four young women seated on a bench before her; it had been Hinata's idea to conduct this conversation somewhere secluded as to avoid unwanted attention and to attempt to salvage Sakura's dignity.

For a moment, they all looked at each other, green eyes to brown to blue to pale lavender, and Sakura stared at them, biting her lip. Finally, Tenten spoke up. "Sakura, why don't you sit down here between us?" Tenten and Temari on one side and Ino and Hinata on the other scooted aside to let Sakura sit down in the middle. As she did so, she accidentally stepped on Ino's foot.

Ino shrieked and Sakura's face flushed scarlet, her mouth forming a mortified "O" as she took a step back from the bench. "I'm so sorry, Ino!"

"You see?" Tenten exclaimed. "That's what we're talking about!" Temari nodded, Hinata, meanwhile, was rubbing Ino's shoulder as she whimpered. "The boys all think you're too violent; that's why none of them will look twice at you!"

Wait. Something wasn't right here. Sakura frowned. "But I-I'm not all that violent," Sakura near-stammered. "And that was an accident!" she protested, pointing at Ino.

The blonde's mouth twisted in pain. "Trust me, Sakura, I know it was an accident." Ino reached down to rub her now-bruised foot. "It would have hurt a Hell of a lot worse if it hadn't been an accident," she added in a mutter, and everyone present thought it prudent to tactfully ignore that particular comment. It wasn't relevant to the conversation.

"Sakura." This time, it was Temari who spoke, deep green eyes firm and hands folded almost prudishly across her black-clad lap. Sakura's eyes narrowed as she sat down between Tenten and Ino; Temari didn't usually sit like that. "Ino forgives you—don't you, Ino? We're not here to talk about accidents. You wanted to know why men run away every time you try to ask them out, and we will tell you—exactly—why you are currently stuck in this "Limbo", if you want to call it that."

Sakura slumped back into the bench; Ino made a move as if to pat her shoulder, but seemed to think better of it. "So…"

Tenten winced; even if she and Sakura weren't the closest friends in the world and really weren't on the best of terms at times, she had to feel sorry for her. This issue should never have reached the proportions that it had. "Yeah."

This…

"So." Sakura's tone was considerably more clipped. She was bracing herself for whatever her friends might tell her; odds were it wasn't going to be pleasant. "Would you mind giving me the specifics? Really, pray tell, what is it about me that's "too violent" and "too scary" for the tastes of the young men of Konoha?" If the sarcasm spilling from her mouth had been any more noxious Tenten, Hinata, Ino and Temari would probably have all needed to don gas masks; really, the Mizukage herself couldn't have done better.

Hinata blushed deeply and ducked her head, worrying at her sleeve cuff and letting her long hair shield her face from view. "Well… You see, Sakura-san," the Hyuuga girl started hesitantly, "boys, and men too… Well…" Hinata lifted her head and seemed to draw in every bit of confidence she had to look Sakura in the eye. "A lot of men like a certain level of boldness in a woman. They do appreciate aggression in the woman they're in a relationship with, but only to a certain extent. None of them want to be with a woman whom they're afraid might injure them at any moment."

The medic opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Hinata had a point, even if it was completely off-base, and it was, as ever, perfectly impossible to get angry at Hinata. She was just too… Hinata.

"Remember the time you broke two of Kiba's toes in the Land of Iron?" Tenten challenged. "You did that on purpose, as I seem to recall."

"I… broke his toes?" Sakura asked blankly.

Ino snorted; ironic, that, considering her name. "Oh, so you didn't notice how bad he was limping afterwards."

"But I just stepped on his foot!" Sakura protested, spreading her hands apart for emphasis.

"And stepped on it pretty hard, as far as I could tell," Ino supplied, frowning darkly. "By the time he came to me he was in a bad way, I can tell you. Since he didn't seek treatment right away the broken bones had knit wrong. He'll limp for the rest of his life, and Kiba wants me to let you know that he pretty much hates you now."

"Why didn't he ask me for help?" Sakura spluttered, her brow furrowing; My God, I didn't know… "I would have healed the bones in a heartbeat!"

To this, the blonde could only shrug and roll her eyes. "Too much masculinity, not enough common sense is my guess. You know how Kiba is; never wants to admit it when he's in pain. The only reason he came to me is because his sister didn't know what to do with him and Hana-san couldn't stand to listen to him moan anymore."

"And don't forget Naruto." Tenten spoke up now, and she was having a hard time restraining a glare. "I can remember back when we were all genin; if he so much as opened his mouth the wrong way you'd shout at him, and if he ever insulted Sasuke you'd send him flying."

Sakura's face went a shade of dark crimson to match her shirt. "I… I don't do that anymore," she defended herself in a low voice. She still remembered her days as a shrill, Sasuke-obsessed genin with nothing less than the deepest mortification; I was such a bitchy little brat back then. "I don't hit people or shout at them over every little thing."

"True enough," Tenten allowed. "But Sakura, you still have a temper problem even if you're not nearly as bad as you used to be. And now that you've trained with Tsunade-sama you have chakra-enhanced strength to back up those fists of yours, strength that you seem to have been using a little too freely."

"But I'm not violent twenty-four hours a day!" Sakura objected. "I don't go punching everyone I see with, and I quote, "chakra-enhanced fists"! I don't!"

"We know," all four of her companions replied at once.

"I—"

Sakura had been on the verge of launching into a more detailed defense of herself when she heard those two words spoken from four mouths. She stared around, suddenly dumbstruck, at her friends and met four tentative, understanding smiles.

"You… You know?"

Temari nodded. "Yes, Sakura, we know."

"Okay." Sakura leaned back into the bench again and pinched her nose with two fingers. "If you all know, then why don't the guys know too?"

It was Temari who answered her, once again. The Sand kunoichi rolled her eyes and curled her lip a little. "You know how men are. They take your worst trait and magnify it to the nth degree. Ask either one of my brothers—or Shikamaru, for that matter—and they'll tell you that I am the most bloodthirsty, utterly crazy woman they have ever met." Temari quirked a smile. "Well, Shikamaru and Kankuro will; Gaara's too polite and he knows who his favorite sibling is. He is thinking it, though."

To this, Hinata's giggle was slightly nervous and Ino could only mutter "Good grief."

Sakura, meanwhile, was doing some quick mental calculations. "Okay, so I broke Kiba's toes and now he hates me. That's fair…I guess. But what about the others? What about Lee?"

Tenten squinted and tilted a hand in the air. "Err… It has been a little difficult of late for him to ignore the ranting of his fellow men. He still thinks you're the most beautiful girl he's ever met, but no. And even if not for that, he's moved on." She tipped her head up to the air in the act of remembering. "A kunoichi in our year; her name's Yuri, I think."

Ino snickered. "Nice name." The others all agreed, even if they didn't admit it.

The weapons user shrugged. "She maintains that it means 'lily' and to me it seemed a bit lowbrow to openly mock her for having a name like that." Ino ignored the implication and went on snickering until Hinata gently nudged her and she stopped, clearing her throat and smoothing down her skirt.

A languid breeze swept through the trees overhead as Sakura tapped her chin. "Okay, so no Lee. What about Neji? Does he seem to think that I'm "scary"?"

"Neji's mine," Tenten interjected before anyone else could answer, stiffening considerably. "He knows better than to look anywhere else. And as for the scary part, if he is afraid of you he hides it pretty well. He doesn't seem to approve much, though; not if the comment "She's growing more and more violently shrewish by the day" means anything."

Shrew?

Sakura snarled and her hands balled up into fists. "Tenten, forgive me for saying so and go ahead and say it if this proves I'm a violent person, but when Neji says things like that—"

"I know. Trust me, I know; I'm on a team with him, remember? I love him dearly but Neji puts his foot in his mouth the way Lee does push-ups." Tenten smiled nervously at Hinata. "Sorry, Hinata."

Hinata met Tenten's nervous smile with one of her own. "It's… true, I suppose. But really, Neji-niisan isn't as bad…"

It was at that point that Hinata realized that no one was buying into it and she trailed off and stopped talking, forced to admit to herself that even if Neji was much nicer than he had been before Naruto beat common sense and the fear of God back into him, he was still every bit as blunt and every bit as prone to making offhandedly rude comments as ever.

"No Neji? Ah, well." Sakura shrugged. "Don't know him all that well, anyway. That doesn't exactly spell out the formula for a strong relationship. What about Naruto?" Naruto had had a painfully obvious crush on her since before they'd graduated from the Academy, but lately he hadn't been pursuing her with quite the zeal he'd exhibited during their rookie days.

"Too much self-respect." Ino spoke up and everyone glared at her. Comments like that really weren't appreciated without first having sugar-coating put on it. She wilted in her seat. "What? It's true. Come on, Sakura, your treatment of him when you were first put on Team Seven wasn't exactly ideal. Plus he's convinced himself that you'll always be in love with Sasuke. That doesn't exactly lend itself to his thinking you're available. And for the scary part, yes, he flinches every time you raise your voice."

Well damn. Sakura felt a headache coming on; she was still trying to decide whether she really was too "aggressive" for her own good or if the men of Konoha were just all wusses. "Okay, okay. Shikamaru?"

Temari tapped her clavicle. "He's with me. Trust me, you don't want him. He's constantly complaining about how much he "hates" "troublesome women"." Temari snorted. "Personally, I'm sure it's all an act. If he really did happen to truly like the kind of girl that he proclaims he does, he'd have been chasing after Hinata—" she jerked a finger in Hinata's direction "—for years now."

Once again, Hinata blushed deeply and seemed to want to shrink into nothing or at least try to become invisible. Temari noticed and for the first time the sheer confidence of her demeanor seemed to crack a little. "It's a compliment," the older kunoichi told her hastily. "Really, Shikamaru keeps saying about how his dream girl is quiet, wouldn't nag him and is a good listener. He's describing you. I swear, it's a compliment."

As soon as the Insult-Compliment Controversy was sorted out, Sakura launched back into her questioning. "Choji?"

Ino shook her head, pale gold strands of hair flying across her face. "He's not scared of you; he's too busy eating and training to notice. But really, Sakura, he's not your type and you're not his. Trust me, you're better off like this."

"Ughh," Sakura groaned. "And Shino?" Sakura didn't know Shino at all—there weren't too many who could say that they knew Shino at all. She was just fishing to see if even the indomitable Aburame Shino seemed to think she was (this word was rapidly becoming Sakura's bane) "scary".

To everyone's amazement, Hinata shook her head immediately. "Shino-kun's spoken for." The young Hyuuga pulled a face. "And no, I don't think he finds you all that intimidating."

No one heard anything past "Shino-kun's spoken for." They all just gaped at her until Hinata's face was a shade of scarlet comparable to the color of freshly spilt blood.

Dead. Silence.

Then, Ino exploded.

"I knew it!" she shrieked, clapping her hands and screaming with laughter. "I knew it, I knew it!" At the same time, Tenten started grumbling something inaudible and rooting around in her pocket. "I knew it!"

"Are you going to say anything other than "I knew it!"?" Sakura asked dryly.

Ino didn't hear her. "He's been acting weird for weeks! I even saw him smiling yesterday. Aburame Shino, stone-cold-poker-face-pride of the Aburame does not smile without good reason!" As soon as she caught sight of Tenten digging through her pocket, she pointed a triumphant finger. "Ha! Pay up, Tenten!"

"Here, here." Tenten shoved a handful of coins into Ino's outstretched hands begrudgingly. "Just take it and leave me alone."

Temari raised a single dark gold eyebrow at the brunette. "'Pay up'?"

"I just lost a bet," Tenten muttered sourly, slouching forward with her elbows on her knees.

Sakura, meanwhile, was busy registering this newest development. Wow, Hinata… Didn't know the Aburame even thought about girls, let alone considered dating one.

"So…" Temari addressed Hinata with a kindly eye "…you've given up on the number one hyperactive blond nutcase, have you?"

Hinata nodded as stoutly as a shy girl of her caliber could when being addressed by so imposing a woman as Temari. "I'm tired of being ignored. Naruto-kun never noticed me before, so it's not like he'll miss anything, at that."

A slow grin spread across Temari's face. "Well look at you. Can we get a piña colada for this girl here, or some sake?"

Again, dead silence.

Finally, Tenten coughed awkwardly. "Err, Temari, the drinking age in Hi no Kuni's twenty-one. None of us can drink. Including you."

Temari shrugged languidly, unfazed. "We could always just go to Kaze no Kuni then. We're all old enough to drink there."

"Right." Casting a leery eye at Temari, Sakura returned the group to the topic at hand. "One last shot; how about Sai?"

"Taken," Ino called. When everyone stared at her, she added hastily, "Not by me. I don't want him; not since I found out he was really calling me "ugly" when he called me "beautiful". Jerk," she muttered under her breath. "Why anyone would want him is beyond me. Nah, it's some redhead, a kunoichi; she hasn't been here very long, I think."

"You're talking about Karin, I'm pretty sure," Sakura supplied. "He seemed to have taken a shine to her." She eyed all of the group. "So is it really hopeless, ladies?" Sakura was amazed to discover that she could say that with almost total equanimity.

Ino tilted her head and bit her lip. "You know, Sakura, being single isn't all that bad." And considering that this was the girl who had once been every bit as Sasuke-obsessed as Sakura, that was saying something on her part.

"Pretty much the only boys," Temari announced, "who aren't at all perturbed by your tendencies, and aren't "not your type" or "taken" are my brothers."

It was a thought, Sakura had to admit. She was on good terms with Gaara (as on good terms as anyone), and Kankuro was alright once one got to know him and realized that puppetry wasn't his only interest. They were both good-looking, or at least Gaara was and Kankuro was too once he took off the war paint and the cap, and they weren't complete boars which was more than Sakura could say for a lot of the men in Konoha.

"But considering what they're like— " Temari's voice cut in and pretty much called a halt to the progress of Sakura's musings "— you might be better off if you kept a distance."

Great.

"You've got a choice, Sakura," Temari went on. She balanced her chin on her laced fingers and smiled slightly. "You can either keep the traits that make you such a huge asset on the battlefield and possibly go your entire life without ever settling down—" The sheer exaggeration Temari put on 'ever' let everyone know exactly what she thought of those who seemed to think that a woman's only real purpose was to have kids and populate the earth "—or you can give up your fire and there's the chance that you might find someone who considers a more docile Sakura more palatable to their tastes. Do you want to be a kunoichi, or a girl?"

Ino, Tenten, Hinata and Temari all stared at Sakura and she stared at them too, pondering.

So what do I choose?

Really, there was only one choice to make.

Sakura nodded firmly. "Kunoichi."

Tenten thumped her back; Hinata smiled encouragingly; Ino grinned and let out a triumphant squeal.

Temari nodded, and her calm, sharp smile deepened. "Welcome to the club, Haruno Sakura."

And Lord, did it feel good to be in the club.