Meredith's POV
I was sitting at home alone in my kitchen staring at one of the walls. I was so lost
inside my own head I could no longer tell the color. I was alone. Izzie and George
were both on-call at the hospital. I had the night off with Christina who was most
likely at Burke's. I was alone with my thoughts. My thoughts and my tequila. It
sounds like the beginning of a bad joke.
Six months ago if someone had told me that I would have fallen madly in love with
one of my bosses, I would have walked them up to Psych. Now, they would just be
stating the obvious. The man who held my heart also held the job title of Head of
Neurosurgery. I've never had a real relationship and the possibility of loving
someone meant having one. That scared me. Most of my life my wing-man was a
bottle of tequila. Once I was tanked-up courtesy of my wing-man, a one night stand
was as close to a "relationship" as I ever got. Isn't it funny how you could meet the
love of your life doing something you have done with tons of men. This was always
the better way of life for me. I'd convinced myself of that in med school when spare
time was a thing of fiction. The one thing in my life that was no longer a thing of
fiction was love and I was in love with Derek Shepherd.
Our start was not the thing of fairytales, but whose was?
I loved him so much I was ready to let him be a part of my life. I let him in more so
than I have with anyone else. I even told him about my oh-so-fantastic mother,
Ellis Grey. She has Alzheimer's, but nobody knows except myself and now Derek.
My thoughts took a slightly pessimistic turn when reality decided to saunter bac,
into my thoughts. My feelings towards Derek turned bitter when I believed that I
could trust him because I loved – scratch that, love him. I should have known
better though. Derek Shepherd doesn't love me. If he really loved me, then why
would he lie to me and hide the fact that he is married? It's not even like it's that
simple. His wife, Addison, is drop-dead gorgeous. Not only that, but she is also one
of the best neonatal surgeons in the whole country. They were like tag-team
amazing surgeons. They could have amazing surgeon babies.
Forgetting that, all of that because of how I love Derek. Would I be enough? Would
I be the girl that he needed?
The shrill sound of my phone ringing suddenly pulled me from my thoughts and I
finally noticed the tears that were flowing down my cheeks. I used my hand to wipe
them away. The second my eyes flitted to the screen they were glued on the name
of the Sender.
Derek.
I've been trying to both ignore and avoid him and his wife. However, It's hard when
I see both him and his wife all of the time. We all worked in the same Hospital.
There is only so much avoiding one can do. I was supposed to hate and avoid the
two at all costs.
I read and re-read the message from Derek to make sure that I committed it to
Memory.
'Meredith, I know that you're mad. I know you don't want to talk to me but please
let me explain. George told me that you're not on call tonight. Addison is staying in
a hotel and I'm still in the trailer. Please give me the chance to talk to you. Come
over.'
I couldn't help but wonder what he wanted to tell me. Maybe that Addison cheated
on him with his best friend? I already knew that. After that, Derek came to Seattle.
He then fell in love with me, wanted to divorce Addison, and then changed his
mind. He couldn't give up on his marriage so easily. I knew that and I cared. Didn't
I? I didn't want Derek to be known as the guy who left his wife for some girl he met
in a bar. Did I? I didn't want to be known as the "dirty mistress". Did i?
There were so many questions swimming around in my head that for a Moment I
forgot about Derek's Invitation.
If he wanted to tell me his story, one that I already knew then I didn't want to hear
a single bit of it.
But, there was the possibility…
No! I had to stop that chain of thoughts immediately unless I wanted to go down
that road.
Unless, he changed his mind and wanted to be with me.
There. I said it. I gave myself a sliver of hope. Would I come to regret that later? I
hope not.
No. I can't do that. I can't give myself hope. I refused to believe that he would
choose me. I wanted love to mean something to him. I wanted loyalty to mean
something.
I had to find resolve. I decided that I would go to the trailer. I would listen to what
he had to say. I owed him that didn't I? Nothing extremely bad could happen.
Right?
Derek's POV
It's been a long two hours since I sent Meredith the text.
Doubt started creeping in. What if she didn't come? I needed her to hear what I had
to say. I needed her to hear my decision. I needed her to accept it. I didn't want to
hurt her but she needs to know. The sooner the better.
If she didn't come, I wouldn't blame her. I hurt her so badly that I shouldn't even
expect a text back.
I reclined a bit in my chair, the squeaking of the metal complaining about the
weight. I took a deep breath, breathing in the fresh air. I had to reconcile myself
into doing this.
I know that I should have told Meredith from the get-go. I should have told her that
I had, well have, a wife. Meredith is a special woman, she deserves a lot; a lot
better than me. I had to tell her, no matter how much it hurt her. This is something
unavoidable, it has to be done. However, I have no idea on how to start the
conversation.
Just when I wanted to go into the trailer, I saw the flash of the headlights from her
Jeep.
Meredith parked her car next to mine. When her door opened and her feet hit the
ground I knew the time where I finally had to do what is right for my marriage was
here - I have to break Meredith's heart.
She walked around the hood of her car, the distance spanning between us seemed
longer than the silence that followed. When she finally reached the porch where I
was sitting, I finally looked at Meredith, really looked at Meredith. What I found
terrified me; it broke off a piece of my resolve.
Her green eyes that were always bright and full of life had lost their glimmer. Her
movements betrayed her exhaustion as did her eyes. The black bags underneath
demonstrated her sleepless nights.
"Hi" she greeted. Her naturally soft, gentle voice was still there but I detected the
undertones; undertones of sadness and despair.
I felt so bad about what must be done. I still had no idea on how to start this
conversation.
"Hello. Sit with me?" I asked. I slid a chair across from me. I felt that the more
distance I put between us the easier it would be to get the words out.
Meredith made no attempt to move, so I reached forward and grasped her small,
soft hand in mine. It was warm and I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want to let her
go.
I guided her over to the other chair and she finally sat down. The second she did,
she pulled her hand from mine, leaving me with even less of an idea on how to
begin this conversation. There was only one word that I could think of
"Sorry."
"Why are you sorry, Derek? Sorry that you lied to me?" Meredith asked, defeated. I
couldn't recall ever seeing her sadder than she was in this Moment.
I sighed softly and ran my hands through my hair. "I didn't know how I…I know I
should have told you, but-"
"You had two months! Two. Freaking. Months!" Meredith abruptly yelled, cutting me
off. She was mad and she had every right to be. "During those months, there were
plenty of chances to tell me! What do you want to tell me that I don't already
know?" Meredith calmed down and asked in a hopeful tone.
I looked up at her for a few seconds before I knew what I needed to say. I know
that these words would break her heart.
"Addison and I will be leaving for New York. Please don't try to contact or find me.
You have to forget me and everything that we had."
With those words my own heart broke.
A/N: I've decided to edit the first chapters of Broken Hearts.
Please review and tell me what you think:)
Oh, and remember that this is a MerDer Story - it won't be an easy ride, though;)