A/N: So, basically tumblr use tofyuu and I created something hilarious with out crack headcanons, and this is the start of the crack condensed into a fic.

marriage of alliance

chap. I

Love Letter

As usual with love stories, it started with a fight.

And not one of those hissy who-removed-the-CDs-from-their-cases types, but an actual I'll-punch-you-in-the-face-and-shove-a-spear-up-your-ass kind of fight.

Well, for Sanji, it was more like yeah-I'll-literally-kick-your-brains-off, but he wasn't really into this shit because all he got were the underlings of Marines, and that just didn't fire him up in the least. What did fire him up was the asshat of a marimo clashing swords with the cute Tashigi-chan, but through throngs of people it was difficult to go slam Zoro down to the ground for exercising violence against beauty.

But what really started things wasn't his or Zoro's fight.

It was Trafalgar Law's.

Sanji bit on his cigarette as he glanced at Law, wrinkling his brow as Law kept hopping out of the Vice Admiral Smoker's way. (That's right, yeah, that smoke bastard became a Vice Admiral during the past two years…)

There had been something distinctly off about Law lately — well, the fact Doflamingo had been beaten probably explained his eerie happiness — and while Sanji wasn't exactly curious about it, it bothered him. Especially since Law seemed to have taken a liking to hanging around Sanji. The silent company wasn't bad, but when compared to Law inching away from him before he Dressrosa adventure, it felt odd.

Now, watching Law's body language from a distance, Sanji finally fucking got it.

The flustered look that briefly crossed Law's face when Smoker's smoke breezed by was a fucking giveaway.

Oh my fucking hell, he has a thing for smokers, doesn't he?

Sanji probably should have figured it out earlier, but that would have made things awkward, he thought to himself as he evaded another Marine's unskilled display of swordsmanship and in the same breath he sent the man off with a kick.

Seeing Law's teeth grit together, and facial muscles tighten, Sanji wanted to laugh. What the fuck. The guy had it so bad, didn't he? Bad enough for it affect this situation, and even Smoker seemed to pick up on that fact.

"Oi, oi, Trafalgar," Sanji heard Smoker's baritone over the sounds of swords clashing and groans of pain, "this isn't like you. What's the matter? You look like you're about to fall on your ass."

Maybe he'd rather fall on your dick, Sanji thought, and he snickered to himself as an idea crawled into his head.

"Oi, Smoker, maybe the guy's got a crush on you! Have you ever thought about that?" Sanji yelled over the sounds of his own crew mates and Smoker's subordinates, but Smoker gave no sign of even having heard of it. Law, however, did, as did some of the Marines, but Sanji focused more on the dark look Law gave him with narrowed eyes and thinned lips.

Yep. Right on target.

The rest of the fight went smoothly, except for Law, who withdrew from Smoker as quickly as possible with as little damage as possible.

Sanji cackled the whole way to the Sunny.

While he may have liked Law's character better than Zoro's, that didn't mean he wouldn't tease Law mercilessly about his fixation.

It was going to be glorious.

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At first Smoker hadn't given it a thought. He had heard the gleeful remark, had recognized the words, but he hadn't thought too much into it in the heat of the battle as he tried to get what wounded pride he had back from Law, who had stolen it in the first place in Punk Hazard.

In fact, he hadn't thought much about it until he had settled himself comfortably onto his bed, a think blanket pulled over to his naked chest.

The memory crept upon him like a spider crept upon its prey once it was tangled in the web, and Smoker was, shamefully, helpless to stop the thought from bothering him.

Maybe that guy's got a crush on you! Have you ever thought about that?

Trafalgar's face hovered into his mind like a ghost, and Smoker's hands clenched around the blanket as the memory image of Law smirked like a goddamn cat.

Smoker hated cats.

And he hated— well, not Law specifically, but pirates in general.

Why in the world would Law—

These broken thoughts slowly connected together when Law thought about the face Law had worn during the last fight, and that made Smoker's eyes pop open and his hands to reach out for his cigarettes.

After shakily lighting three of them, Smoker whispered, "Holy shit."

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"Tashigi," Smoker began as he looked through the reports (full of shit as usual, and much less important than the predicament Smoker found himself in), "do you suppose Trafalgar has… romantic intentions… regarding me?"

Tashigi's attention, at first, had been grabbed by the incredibly meek tone Smoker used — she was instantly worried — but her concerned expression transformed into a baffled one as Smoker reached the end of his question.

"Smoker-san…" What was the most polite way to ask your boss if they have been smoking pot? Again?

"I mean," Smoker continued, as his permanent frown deepened, "a pirate and a Marine? This is a question of justice. Or the question on my mind is 'what the hell', but…"

Was Smoker rambling? Tashigi simply stared at her superior and long-time partner-in-justice. "What makes you think that Trafalgar… feels that way?" Did she even want to know? Tashigi asked herself this, but she steeled her resolve. For the sake of Smoker's inner peace, yes, she needed to know.

Smoker set his paperwork down and turned fully to Tashigi, one leg over another as he entwined his fingers together. "It's what Black Leg said during the last encounter with the Straw Hats and the Hearts." The five cigars hanging from Smoker's mouth trembled slightly.

Tashigi stared at her superior officer — really stared, like there was a sixth cigar growing out of his cheek or something equally disturbing. "What did he— say?"

Thankfully they were alone in the office, the door locked, though Tashigi didn't know whether to feel reassured or worried that she may not have an escape route ready from the apparent madness of Vice Admiral Smoker.

Get a grip, she told herself. Smoker-san needs your support… more than ever, apparently.

"It was after I questioned Law about how weakly prepared he seemed to be for our fight, and Black Leg quipped that maybe Law 'has a crush' on me." Smoker's eyes narrowed and— was he sweating. Tashigi stared at the sweat drops lingering around Smoker's temples and oh my god he IS sweating. "It's a disturbing thought, isn't it, Tashigi?"

Tashigi bit her lip, unsure which one was more disturbing — the presumed feelings of Trafalgar Law, or Smoker's reaction to them. "Smoker-san, you're overreacting. I'm sure Black Leg was simply jesting — it seems to be in his nature." She thought back to the Punk Hazard incident, and pursed her lips.

Smoker shook his head slowly, disbelievingly, and gave Tashigi a look. "No, Tashigi, you don't get it. Law looked at me. He looked at me." Smoker waved his hand to make a point, the smoke from his cigars slowly engulfing the whole room, and Tashigi went to open a window.

"Smoker-san," she sighed, and wondered where her level-headed superior had disappeared off to, "that is what people do when they try to dodge blows from an enemy."

Smoker snorted, another puff of smoke floating up. "Not like this, Tashigi. His eyes…"

Tashigi turned around from the window and returned to her superior, placing her hands on his shoulders, and looked at him right in the eye.

"Smoker-san," she said, calm and collected and very concerned, "please chill."

"Yeah, Smokey!" a chorus of voiced echoed from the outside, and both Smoker and Tashigi were startled. "Take a chill pill!"

Smoker just grumbled, "Fuck you, guys," and went back to work.

Tashigi, meanwhile, considered indiscreet ways to measure Smoker's temperature.

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"What the hell was that about yesterday?" Law muttered to Sanji, eyebrows knitting into a firm frown as Sanji took his well-earned break from the kitchen for some smoking.

Sanji shrugged, hiding the smirk that threatened to slip onto his lips. "I should ask you the same. You were awful out there, Law."

"I am still recovering from Dressrosa," Law said, a hint of ice to his tone, as he huffed and leaned against the railing, his back facing the ocean.

"Sure you are. Luffy's already jumping around like the dumbass monkey he is."

"Straw Hat-ya is… a bit unique that way." Law's voice suggested that this was putting it lightly, and it really was, Sanji could agree with that.

"If you say so." Sanji purposely exhaled a thick ring of smoke, and watched Law's expression twitch from the corner of his eyes. Yeah, Law got it bad, and Sanji wasn't even as bad a smoker as, well, Smoker was.

Sanji lamented Smoker's parents' naming skills. They really did set up their kid for shit.

Still, nothing was going to stop Sanji from playing a prank on Law… and Smoker. Serves Law right for being so damn mysterious throughout the Punk Hazard and Dressrosa times.

Sanji's lips curved up. But first, it would be boring if he was the only one in on this plan.

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"Wanna prank Law?" Sanji whispered to Luffy, though there was no need for it, seeing how no one else was in the men's quarters. Sanji had dragged Luffy over there for this very reason.

Luffy's eyes seemed to lit up, just as Sanji had expected them to. "Oooh, a prank! I was getting bored just lying around-! Should we put some bread to Trafuffle's food!"

"That's not exactly what I had in mind…" Sanji started, lips twitching in amusement. "Let's do that too, but hear me out, okay, Luffy?"

Luffy stared at him expectantly, clearly excited by the idea of pranking Trafalgar Law, and Sanji found it almost endearing if he didn't remember Luffy was just as ready to prank any of his actual crew at any time he was bored enough. That thought made Sanji sober up a little.

"Okay, so, Law has this thing… for smokers."

Luffy stared at him uncomprehendingly. "Wait, are there several Smokeys? Woah, that's cool—"

Sanji nearly slammed a hand on his own face. RIght. He was talking to an idiot. "Let me rephrase that — Law has a thing for Smoker."

Luffy opened his mouth, but Sanji raised a hand. "Let me finish before you say anything, idiot. So, what I had in mind is…"

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A few days later, Tashigi stepped into the office she shared with Smoker without suspecting a thing. All was well, and Smoker had recovered from Black Leg Sanji's words somewhat, much to Tashigi's relief.

All was well… until Tashigi noticed Smoker sitting on his desk, face frozen in something very close to shock.

"…Smoker-san?" It didn't seem like good news, and for a moment her anxious heart feared Smoker had been demoted for whatever reason the higher-ups came up with—

"I was right, Tashigi. I was right." Smoker's voice was tense and his cigars threatened to fall from his lips. "I fucking knew it."

Tashigi stared at him, not comprehending what Smoker was talking about. Nevertheless, she was worried. "What is it, Smoker-san? What's that letter you're holding? …From the higher-ups?"

Smoker's hand clenched around the paper, his knuckles turning white with the strain he put on them. "I have read it twenty times now," Smoker began, his eyes distant but his posture angry and confused. "I don't understand it, Tashigi. I just don't."

Take a chill pill, Tashigi wanted to repeat the words of their subordinates, but kept her mouth shut as Smoker raised his eyes to meet her gaze.

Smoker didn't say anything. He just stared, and it wasn't his usual, intense stare Tashigi at times found unnerving but also very inspiring. This gaze was just… lost, like a little child's, and while she was worried, Tashigi felt increasingly annoyed by not knowing what was going on with her superior.

"Smoker-san, give me that letter," she said, voice neutrally polite as she wedged the letter from between his clenched fingers, miraculously not tearing it into pieces as she pulled it out and opened it for her to see.

Hey smokey, I am gay 4 u.

XOXO, Trafalgay Law

Tashigi stared at the piece of paper blankly for a good few minutes, during which Smoker smoked his cigars aggressively silently.

Smoker, surprisingly, broke the silence. "See, what Black Leg said wasn't a lie, after all."

Tashigi couldn't find any words to correct Smoker's statement, and perhaps it was better not to — Smoker was a stubborn fellow when it came to whatever he believed, and… apparently he believed Trafalgar Law to be in love with him.

Is this what it means to be a Marine? Tashigi wondered as she pressed a palm to her forehead, feeling a migraine coming on due to both this letter and Smoker's smoking and delusions.