It's strange what the night can do to someone. Everything seems worse when you're alone in the dark. All thoughts become twisted, and you find yourself asking silly little ' what if ' questions that have been modified and exaggerated into questions that drive you mad with fear. It's hard to find yourself when you keep runing into disturbing nightmares and awful memories. Yes... awful memories... that is why I don't sleep. I can't seem to keep my past from creeping back into my mind. As good as I am at shielding myself from my surroundings; memories are the one thing that can enter my protected world. I try to ignore them, like i do to every other hurtful thing around me, but I fail. And so I lie awake at night, wishing things were different, wishing things were better. But I'm not the only one who lies awake at night. No.

Kadaj shifted slightly beside me, his back facing me. Someone who didn't know Kadaj would say that he was asleep... but I am not a fool, i've been around him long enough to know that he was pretending. The way he was breathing indicated that he was very much awake, also the way he tensed every few minutes and the way he shifted carefully in a way that suggested he didn't want Loz and myself to wake.

I watched his shoulders shudder lightly as he took a deep breath, and i knew he was trying very hard to repress something that was bothering him. I knew better than to say anything unless he asked me too, because that was just the way my little brother was; he hated looking weak, and unless he needed it, he wouldn't let me help... even though i wanted to very much.

He suddenly sat up, then got siilently to his feet grabbing Souba, which had been resting beside him on the forest floor between him and Loz. He then left, and I heard his footsteps fadding away into the trees. I knew that when he did this sort of thing it meant he was going to have a fit, or cry... I didn't like it when he cried. I quietly got to my feet and headed to the where my senses were telling me he was, not bothering to take my weapon with me.

I stopped, still slightly hidden by the white, moonlit trees of the Forgotten City. Kadaj was standing by the large pool of dark water in the center of the glowing forest. I tilted my head slightly to one side as I looked at my little brother through the branches of the trees; I could feel more than see the conflict of the emotions he was generating... so much feeling in one little fragile body. I watched him sit down on the bank of the pool of water, and hug his knees to his chest. Then he began to cry. He tried to force them away at first, but he failed and let them stream down his cheeks.

I watched this until it was becoming too much to handle, and i had to decide if i was going to walk away... or aproach my crying little brother. I thought on this for a moment, then carefully began walking towards Kadaj. He didn't seem to notice that I was coming closer, he didn't look up, only continued his soft crying. It was only when I was standing behind him that he sensed my presence.

He jumped to his feet, grabbing Souba and holding it out in front of him, looking slightly confused. We looked at each other for a moment; then he spoke, his voice wavering slightly,

"Yazoo, what... what do you want?" I looked at him, tilting my head to the side again. "Did you follow me, Yazoo?" he asked, sounding angry. I blinked, Kadaj was having a fit, he didn't usually act this impatient with me... all I could do was look at him, try to tell him without words that everything was alright... even though it wasn't. He walked closer, his eyes narrowing as he looked at me. "Yazoo, answer me!" he said through clenched teeth. I didn't know why, but something was telling me to keep my mouth shut for now... to wait. His body shook with anger, and in one quick movement he grabbed a fist full of my hair. I had known he was going to do that, and if it had been anyone other than Kadaj I would have avoided it easily. But I knew that when my brother was having a fit he needed to think that he could be in control of something.

So I let him tug forcefuly on my hair, even though it hurt. A small smile crept onto his lips as he saw how easy it was to control my movement. With a small almost frightening giggle he yanked on my hair, pulling me closer to him, his grip very tight. I looked at him, and cautiously raised my fingers to the tears on his young face. His smile faded as I did this, and his eyes became glassy and wide. My fingertips gently met with his skin, and he shuddered slightly, his eye lashes fluttering lightly.

"I don't like it when you cry, little brother," I whispered.

"Yazoo..." he breathed, his grip still painfully tight. He tugged on my hair, pulling my body even closer to his. "Tell me that you love me... brother... say it!" I looked at him, at the need burning in his eyes.

For some reason I found myself unable to say those words, at least not yet. Kadaj took a deep breath, then released my hair. His hand fell limply to his side, and he turned away from me. "Leave me," he murmured, his back to me. I looked at his figure, then walked forward and gently wrapped my arms around his waist from behind. I felt his body tense, but I was glad that he didn't try to shake me off.

"I will not leave," I whispered in his ear. There was a long silence then he turned to me, laced his arms around my neck and gently yet persuasively pulled me closer.

"I'm glad," he murmured. I smiled. It had been a long time since we had been alone together like this. There always seemed to be something to do, someone to hunt down. But when Kadaj and I got some time alone together, we cherished it. He smiled and rested his head on my shoulder taking a deep breath as he did so. "I miss you, Yazoo. I miss being with you," he said into my shoulder.

"Yes," was all I could say.

"Everything is getting harder. I have no idea where to find Mother... I'm a bad son." I could hear the tears coming, and I gently kissed the top of his head to stop them. He looked up at me, his eyes bright.

"You're not a bad son, Kadaj." He blinked, and then leaned closer. I knew what he wanted, and so I leaned down and gently pressed my lips to his. He inhaled sharply as our lips met, and tangled his fingers in my hair.

Our kiss lasted for only a short while. But we enjoyed it, as we always did. When we broke apart, Kadaj smiled up at me running his fingers through my hair.

"Will you stay?" he asked. I only smiled at him, and kissed his forehead lightly. There was a long silence that followed this, in which Kadaj looked thoughyfully into space. Then, after a long while, he spoke, "You know every night she speaks to me?" I looked at him, and I didn't have to ask who he was referring to. He nodded, "Every night she speaks. She tells things I need to do, yet she never tells me how to do them. She won't tell me where she is, or how to find her. It's as if she likes seeing me suffer for her. I don't understand... why doesn't she love me? Why doesn't she want me?"

"Kadaj..." but I found that I couldn't think of anything to say. He looked up at me,

"I need to find her, Yazoo. I need to show her that I can be a better son... that I can be better than... him." I looked into his eyes.

"Right now, you don't have to be anything but my little brother," I whispered. He gave a weak smile, but I saw through it. I knew my love wasn't enough to satisfy his needs. I would give Kadaj anything he asked me to give him. No matter what it was. But it seemed like the only thing he wanted, was the only thing I couldn't give him. I could give him love and lust... but I could never be the mother he needed.

"It will be dawn soon," he said, his voice sounding wary. "We should return to Loz." I nodded, and released him from my arms. We walked slowly back to where Loz was still sleeping on the forest floor. He bent down to Loz, reaching out to prod him awake, but before he could I gently took his hand. He looked at me, and I leaned forward and swiftly kissed him. He smiled softly, and I whispered so only he could here,

"I love you, my sweet Kadaj."