Crystal POV
In the hallway
Quinn, Finn, and I are talking about Finn joining Glee, as Finn retrieves books from his locker.
"We are in line to be the most popular kids in the school over the next couple years." I said
"Yeah, I know." Finn said
"Prom king and queens. Homecoming court royalty. I am not giving up those shiny crowns just so you can express yourself." Quinn said
"Look, you're making too big a deal out of this." Finn said
"Okay. Let's compromise. If you quit the club, we'll let you touch our breasts." I said
"Under the shirt?" Finn asked
"Over the bra." I said
Finn pauses, momentarily conflicted.
"No. No, I can't." Finn said
Quinn and I scoff.
"I want to do Glee. I'm really happy when I'm performing." Finn said
"People think you're gay now, Finn. And you know what that makes us? Your big gay beards." Quinn said
"Look. I- I gotta go to class. Okay? Just relax. Everything's gonna work out." Finn said
Finn closes his locker and leaves. Quinn and I turn to Rachel.
"Eavesdrop much? Time for some girl talk, man hands." Quinn said
"You can dance with him." I said
"You can sing with him." Quinn said
"But you will never have him." I said
"I understand why you'd be threatened. Finn and I have made a connection. But I'm an honorable person. I don't need to steal your man. I have plenty of suitors of my own. Every day Glee's status is going up, and yours is going down. Deal with it." Rachel said
Rachel turns to walk away and two slushies are thrown in her face. Quinn and I snicker and walk away.
At The Celibacy Club
The Cheerios and I are sitting at a long table on one side of the room. Rachel is sitting alone opposite us. Quinn strikes a gavel against a sound board three times.
"The Celibacy Club is now in session." Quinn said
"Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week- Rachel What's-her-name." I said, annoyed
"Where are all the boys?" Rachel asked
"Down the hall. First half hour we separate, then we come together to share our faith." Quinn said
A few minutes later, Santana twirls around at the center of the room, her Cheerios skirt flaring up to show her spanks.
"God bless the perv that invented these." I said
"Remember the power motto, girls." Quinn said
"It's all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing." We all, except Rachel, said
We all, except Rachel, begin to dance in place.
"Back it up like a dump truck, baby!" Santana said
Later
All of the Celibacy Club members have moved into the same room. We are paired off, one boy and one girl, with a balloon for each pair.
"Let's pair up for the 'Immaculate Affection'. Now, remember. If the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry." Quinn said
Quinn and I step over to Finn, smiling and Quinn places the balloon between our pelvises. Rachel glances at Finn and reluctantly moves closer to Jacob, who scoots over excitedly and places his arms on her shoulders.
"You enchant me." Jacob said
"Yeah!" Puck exclaimed
Puck grinds into the balloon between him and Santana, who struggles to pull away.
"Stop it!" Santana said
"Take it. Ah, yeah!" Puck exclaimed
The balloon between Finn, Quinn, and I pops.
"Finn!" Quinn hissed
"It must have hit my zipper." Finn said
Rachel breaks away from Jacob and addresses the room.
"You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for." Rachel said
"Don't you dare mention the 'C' word." I said
"You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do." Rachel said
Rachel stormed out of the room.
"I- Is that accurate?" Jacob asked
We all just glared at him.
In the gym
The entire student body is sitting in the stands in the gym. Principal Figgins is standing at a microphone in front of the stage. Mr. Schuester is sitting in a chair to his side.
"Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem. But let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of the last time. We have a treat for you guys today. Mr. Schuester." Principal Figgins said
"Yay, Glee! Glee kids, hooray!" Ms. Pillsbury cheered
Mr. Schuester steps up to the microphone.
"Uh, hi. Uh, when I went to school here, Glee Club ruled this place. And we're on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now, I can tell you all about how great Glee is, but, uh, I think I'm gonna let some friends of mine show you instead." Mr. Schuester said
Mr. Schuester sits down in the stands. The Glee Club begins their performance of "Push It".
Their choreography is lewd and suggestive. Quinn and I look at each other, horrified. The performance comes to an end. After a moment of silence, Jacob springs up out of his seat.
"Yes!" Jacob exclaimed
All the students erupt into cheers, with the exception of us Cheerios and Coach Sylvester.
In the choir room
Mr. Schuester is sitting by the piano with a CD player next him. Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and I stand in front of him.
"I have to say, I'm really surprised you guys are trying out." Mr. Schuester said
"I'm sure you've read about this in the school paper. Finn, Crystal, and I have been an item for a while now. So what kind of girlfriends would we be if we didn't support him?" Quinn said
"Well, let's see what you've got." Mr. Schuester said
Mr. Schuester hits the play button on the CD player and we begin performing "I Say a Little Prayer".
Brittany and Santana:
Say a little prayer for you
Quinn (Crystal, Brittany, and Santana):
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my make-up (Make-up)
I say a little (Prayer for you)
While combing my hair now
And wondering what dress to wear now (Wear now)
I say a little (Prayer for you)
Quinn with Crystal, Brittany, and Santana:
Forever, forever
You'll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever and ever
We never will part
Oh, how I love you
Together, together
That's how it must be
To live without you (Brittany and Santana: Would only mean)
Heartbreak for me
Crystal (Quinn, Brittany, and Santana):
I run for the bus dear
While riding, I think of us dear (Us dear)
I say a little (Prayer for you)
At work, I just take time
And all through my coffee break-time (Break time)
I say a little (Prayer for you)
Crystal with Quinn, Brittany, and Santana:
Forever, forever
You'll stay in my heart
And I will love you
Forever and ever
We never will part
Oh how I love you
Together, together
That's how it must be
To live without you (Brittany and Santana: Would only mean)
Heartbreak for me
Mr. Schuester seems impressed.
In Coach Sylvester's Office
Quinn, Santana, Brittany, and I are sitting in front of Coach Sylvester's desk.
"Let me get this straight. You're joining Glee Club?" Coach Sylvester asked
"I'm sorry, Coach Sylvester, but something is going on between Finn and that thing. You saw how it was undressing him with its eyes." Quinn said
"Please don't kick us off the Cheerios." I begged
Quinn and I start crying. Coach Sylvester snaps her fingers.
"Cease fire on the waterworks. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. You know, Q, C, when I first laid eyes on you two I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure. But it wasn't until this very moment I saw how alike we really are. You four are going to be my spies. I need eyes on the inside. We're going to bring this club down from within." Coach Sylvester said
Brittany and Santana high five behind Quinn and me.
"And we're gonna get our boyfriend back." Quinn and I said
"I don't care so much about that." Coach Sylvester said