Chapter 1 (House's lecture)

Lisa persuaded Vayne to go with her to one of House's lectures. "Oh, come on, this'll be worth it. House loves to talk about himself, so it won't be boring, trust me."

They arrived at the hospital. She grinned, knowing that the lecture's only about an hour anyway, and House made it easy by blabbing all day.
She put an arm linked around Vayne's arm and headed into the lecture hall. House wasn't there yet, of course, but all the med students were hauling ass getting in there. She waited with Vayne, sitting in two spots near the back, for 5 minutes, and still no sign of House. Sighing, she got up to the front and dialed his office number. She sat down at the desk and heard his voice.

"House…where are you? You were supposed to here at the lecture hall 5 minutes ago," she said quite grim. House sighed and said "Hooker ran herself longer than she thought." Lisa said into the phone and threatened "No, you're not with a hooker. You'd be out of breath. Get your ass down to the lecture hall, or I will triple your clinic duty. NOW!" House said "All right, all right. I'll be down."

Smiling, she got up back up to her seat and sat down. She knew the threat of tripling clinic duty would get him. She finally saw House limp in, and the med students slowly stopped talking. House cleared his throat as he got up on the mini stage. He nodded up to Cuddy in kind of a way that said 'you'll pay for this'. Lisa just nodded back and ran her tongue over her teeth, trying not to speak.

House started off by saying "Sorry, had an…emergency." Lisa glared at him. He said "I'm doing this against my will, because what I say here today isn't going to make a hell of a difference." He tapped his cane on the stage and began with "I'm going to…uh, start by saying that this scenario is something you all will not have to go through, but I'm going to make it so that your medical experience doesn't seem all too bad. Picture this: You're sitting there, after having a break from another one of Dr. Cuddy's droning lectures and you get a page. Seems that your patient who you thought was fine had these things happen all at once. They get a major headache, abdominal pain, and a series of jolts, which prevent him from making a complete sentence."

None of the med students could get it right. Lisa finally cleared her throat and said "Well, it could be anything, especially with abdominal pain. Cancer, perhaps?" House said "Well, we had already ruled out cancer. Wilson said it's not cancer, but thanks for playing Dr. Cuddy. Hey, who's that with you?" Lisa smiled and said quickly "My husband, Vayne. Please continue." House said "No, I need introductions." Lisa sighed and said "Vayne, this is the snarky and narcissistic pain in my ass, Gregory House. House…this is Vayne Solidor." House grinned, and extended his hand to shake Vayne's. "Nice to meet you. Oh, and I guess I have to call you Dr. Cuddy-Solidor now, huh?" Lisa ignored House and said "Continue."
House mumbled something crazy under his breath, but continued on. "Okay, so we ruled out cancer." No one spoke. He said, rolling his eyes and his head back "Okay, I guess I'm going to have to play doctor now, since everyone, minus one is supposedly doctors in here. Sit on grandpa's lap, as I explain to you about mass hysteria." Lisa shook her head and closed her eyes, looking down. Saying quietly to Vayne "My name's going to be mentioned. Just wait." House said "Dr. Cuddy-Solidor…" Lisa said "Stop it with the name. Dr. Cuddy works, okay?" House said "Okay, fine. Explain to the room about mass hysteria, then. You seem to know a lot about that one."

Lisa questioned it if she should talk about this. She looked over at Vayne with a sigh. She got up, and stood up beside House. She said "Mass hysteria is where someone gets sick and everyone else thinks they have it, too." House said slowly "Gooooood…now, please tell them about that day on the plane, back from the convention." Lisa said "You're trying to start something, aren't ya?" House nodded with a snarky grin and said "Just trying to humiliate my boss."

Lisa turned red at that, but she said "Good luck" under her breath. Some of the med students giggled at that. House then pressed on, and said "Now moving on to this story." He looked over at Lisa and said "My story. Bye." Lisa threw her hands up in the air and went back to her seat, fuming. She had her arms folded, wondering what else he'd say.

House, of course, wanted to talk about how everyone on the plane, including Lisa, went through the classic signs of hysteria. House said "Clearly, no one was dying. Lisa wasn't even dying, but she made it a point for me to check her. Someone with a medical license should be able to know when she wasn't sick. She had the signs everyone else had. The rash, the puking, and the feeling of being run down. Not signs for bacterial meningitis, but oh well. No one died, so…" House then said to Lisa "If you don't mind, could you come back down here? I need a favor."

Lisa's eyes bulged when he said that. "EXCUUUUSE ME?" She blinked a few times and said "Well, what are you planning to do?" House smirked and said "Nothing. Come back down here." Lisa shook her head and said "Oh, I don't think that's such a good idea. I was just down there, and you banished me back to my seat." House said "Goodness, how many times do I have to beg you to get back down here?"
Sighing, she got up from her seat once again. She looked at Vayne, in complete shock. She stood beside House, and said "I'm here. What do you want?" House grinned and said "I don't have a model here with me, and you're the next best thing." Lisa said "Oh, I'm skinny like a skeleton, is that it?" House said "No, you're not skinny. Who said that one?" Lisa, even though it was offensive, thought it was funny and she started to giggle quick and then she put her hand to her mouth. "So, I'm like…your guinea pig?" House said, "Precisely." He had 2 vials of something. He said "Who knows what migraines are?" A med student raised his hand, and House said "That's rhetorical. Everyone in this room, including the one that's not a doctor should know."

Lisa gulped and said "That's not Weber's migraine reliever, is it?" House said "No, no, no…God no. This is the stuff I myself invented." Lisa groaned and said "Oh, here we go. You WANT to jab me with this stuff, and then hit me with something that could possibly kill me? Oh, no, we can't have that." House said "Relax. I checked your medical history. You're fine and are not allergic to either one. But I have to warn you, I do make mistakes, as you know." Lisa got shocked and surprised and said "Oh, goody!" She wasn't impressed.

Then House wrapped a tourniquet around Lisa's upper arm. "See, you need to do this with patients, so that the vein pops right out at you." Lisa said "Duh, I think they know that." House ignored her and continued on. He took a syringe from his pocket…a brand new one and filled it up a little with the migraine medication. Lisa didn't flinch as House put it in her. He then said "Now, so far…are you okay?" Lisa grinned and said in a monotone like voice "Couldn't be better." House then filled up the syringe with something that could give Lisa a migraine.

Lisa changed her mind. "No, I don't want to go through with this anymore." House said "Party pooper. Come on." He popped the needle into Lisa's arm and looked at her. He said "Still feeling anything?" Lisa shook her head no. House said "Can you talk?" Lisa still shook her head no again. House said "Say just one word." Lisa said loud, looking down, "Damn!" She then collapsed right there on the stage. House looked stunned, as he saw Lisa fall down on the stage. "Okay, that wasn't supposed to happen." He bent down on his good knee and checked her.
House nodded to Vayne to come down. The med students were mortified. House said to Vayne "We need to get her up off the floor and into a chair. She just passed out, that's all." Quickly, they got her sitting on the chair. Lisa was out completely. When she finally came to, her head felt like one of those things you see at the Macy's thanksgiving's day parade. She said, with one eye slightly open "Can someone turn the lights down low?"

House nodded and did just that. She went into a complete 180 and choked House around his neck. "The next time you do something like this, I swear, House, I'm going to knock you senseless! YOU HEAR ME?" she said, moving his neck around.