The day was dim and cold.
Which wasn't surprising at all, considering that it was already late autumn.
Still, this didn't stop her from cursing the weather that seemed intent on cutting her freedom time short and forcing her to go home. 'A couple more lines,' she thought to herself. 'Just a couple more lines and I will be finished with this scene.' Blowing on her numbing hands, the girl quickly ran through the clumsily written words. Almost five pages worth and really pushing the plot forward.
Bell chimes signalled the beginning of the lunch break at the high school adjacent to the park. 'Three, two, one...' As if on cue, the air was filled with distant chattering, people asking each other for smokes or for company. The girl gathered her papers in a pile and pulled the hood of her sweatshirt over her eyes. She didn't want to get anyone's attention. It would end with their picking on her, as usual. She didn't fit with them, happy kids from so called 'good families', partying and gossiping their only hobbies.
True, not all of them were like that. But the one standing out the most, she wanted to avoid even more.
To no avail.
She was ready to count the final minutes of the break when someone stopped by her bench. She didn't raise her head, willing for the intruder to go away.
The two of them lasted like that - neither of them moving nor speaking - until the bell rang again. Only then, a styrofoam cup was left by the intruder on the bench, next to her.
"Thought you may need it."
She waited for the other one to go back to school before checking the cup's contents. Hot chocolate coffee. The girl chuckled involuntarily. She blew at the hot beverage and took a sip.
She didn't want to owe anyone but why let it go to waste.
Plus, something seemed to have changed since the last time they've talked.
They first met in summer, when Natsuki spent all her free time in the park, finding it a pleasant reprieve from her dysfunctional family. Sometimes, she read; fiction, textbooks, dictionaries - whatever she could get her hands on. But for the last few weeks she was trying her hand at writing. These first attempts were nowhere near good but she kept practicing, feeling that she was on the right way. That this was what she was meant to be doing.
One day, a girl roughly her age stopped by her bench.
"Can I sit down?"
Without a word, Natsuki moved aside. She didn't want to comment on how the other benches were empty because the brunette might took it as an invitation for a conversation.
For a while, they sat like that, in silence, each of them focused on her own reading or writing. But then…
"What are you writing?"
Natsuki sent her a quick, askew look.
"It's not your school assignment because you'd need textbooks for that." She tried to peek over Natsuki's shoulder. "And it seems too long and having far too many crossed-out parts to be a letter."
Natsuki swallowed whatever words were on her tongue. The brunette, though, seemed to have some problems with minding her own business.
"I admire people who can write stories. It seems impossible for me… Maybe you don't talk to strangers? Fujino Shizuru, nice to make your acquaintance."
Not bothering to spare the outstretched hand a second look, Natsuki shoved her papers into her knapsack and left.
It turned out that whatever this Shizuru lacked in respecting privacy, she made up for in obstinance. Ever since that first meeting, she kept popping up wherever Natsuki happened to stay in the park. The first few days, the bluenette's patience was running out after just a few minutes of the other girl's presence.
And then, something has changed.
Did Shizuru finally start to learn to keep her silence and restrain herself to just a greeting and maybe a few general remarks? Or maybe it was Natsuki who has eventually discovered how to keep her temper on a leash and stopped running away from the unasked for company?
Most probably, the changes happened in them both at the same time.
Day after day, the time they spent together was longer and the air surrounding them - more comfortable. Maybe too comfortable, at times.
"It's written with double 't' and then you drop the final vowel."
"Thanks." Natsuki erased and corrected the word she was dwelling on for the last few minutes. Then it dawned on her. "Oi! Why are you reading this? I told you to keep your nose out of my business!"
She clenched her fist, the pencil in her hand threatening to break.
"I'm sorry." Shizuru quickly moved back to her end of the bench. "It's just Natsuki looked so adorable lost in her thoughts I wanted to know what caught her attention."
"Am not," mumbled Natsuki, scanning the last page of her writings for any incriminating stuff.
"If you say so…" The other girl smiled gently. "But I am truly amazed. Your story, it's great. I'd love to read it some day."
Torn between accepting the praise she felt undeserved and telling the brunette off, Natsuki gathered her papers and left. But not without stopping after a few steps and waving to Shizuru.
Then, the school started again and things changed once more.
Just as Natsuki was starting to look forward to Shizuru's company, the brunette started appearing with a company of her own. It almost seemed as if the group of uniform-clad schoolgirls was tied to the brunette. Glued, even. They never got away from their adored senpai - esteemed seitokaichou, from what the bluenette heard - for more than a few steps. Even when Shizuru stopped by Natsuki's bench to greet her, they strained their necks and their ears to know what was going on. To learn more about senpai's new pet.
Because that's what they called her as soon as, per Natsuki's insistence, the group made their way back to school. Pet, charity case, plaything… All of these followed by hymns of praise for the kind and compassionate upperclassman who didn't shy away from condescending to the miserables and socialising with them.
Next time they showed up, Natsuki simply ignored them. Ignored Shizuru, as well. With her cap pulled over her eyes, she kept scribbling, words with no meaning drawn with quick, peeved strokes of a pencil. The brunette seemed to understand, for the following day she told her entourage to wait a few steps away. Her fans apparently were a bit dense though, because they kept commenting the situation even louder than usual.
There was something in Shizuru - in her eyes, her voice, her entire posture - that made Natsuki take her leaving the girls as a sign of good will. But they still kept coming with the brunette. Still kept commenting, their words harsh and vile. And Shizuru just smiled her polite smile at them, as if silently accepting - condoning - their behaviour.
After a few weeks, Natsuki's patience run out. That day, she didn't sit in the park. Instead, she waited for the brunette by the high school gate.
"Fujino," she said out loud when the other girl was passing by, the throng of squealing schoolgirls following in her footsteps. "Stop with this." She looked up, her eyes meeting with Shizuru's, the cap overshadowing them and hiding from the outsiders. "I am not your charity case. If you want to improve your image, find some other way." Picking up her knapsack, she slung it over her shoulder. Then, she moved closer to Shizuru, standing just a breath from her. "Leave me alone."
Not waiting for the response, she turned and walked away, chased by the fan-mob outraged shouts.
After that speech, Natsuki gave up on going to the park for a few days. She tried to work at home but between her parents constantly arguing about the smallest things and her older brother bringing home his latest girlfriend for some noisy fun, she found it hard to focus. This is why a week later, despite the adverse weather, she was occupying her bench once again.
Just before the lunch break, she organised her personal effects, ready to leave should the seitokaichou approach her. Sure enough, the brunette appeared in the park, her zealous entourage milling about her, squealing in praise and begging for attention. Natsuki started to stand up only to sit down when she noticed the group went down another alley. She sighed in relief.
Moments later she felt a pang of sadness, though. Quite unexpectedly to herself, she wanted that crimson eyes to look at her. She wanted that lilting voice to resound in her ear, pointing a mistake or asking meddlesome questions. She shook her head - she didn't need any prim and proper damsel with philanthropic tendencies.
Despite that, the very next day she found herself looking for Shizuru during the lunch break and feeling disappointment when the other girl came surrounded by her fans. The same happened on the following day and the day after that. Every moment spent in that park, sitting alone on the bench, made Natsuki more and more bitter. She didn't feel disappointment - she should have known it would end like this, with Shizuru leaving her the moment she realised she would gain nothing from this relationship.
After all, it wasn't the first time.
More people ditched Natsuki in her teenage life than she lived years. She probably should've been immune to their false friendship attempts by now. Been there, done that countless times, right? Still, there were people like Shizuru who sneaked past her defenses and then left, taking away some part of her with them.
One day, Shizuru suddenly came on her own, stopped by Natsuki's bench and greeted her quietly. The bluenette peeked from under her hood and without a word went back to her reading. She wouldn't fall for the same trick for the second time. She wasn't that stupid.
The brunette stood by the bench, silently, until the bell chimes signalled end of her break.
"See you tomorrow, Natsuki."
Natsuki brindled in her mind. Tomorrow, right. Today was no good because there was no audience. This girl was more dense than she looked if she hadn't understood Natsuki's words back at the school gate.
Why that disappointment, then?
Against reason, the very next day Natsuki sat on the same bench. That was when Shizuru brought her hot coffee. Without a word, without a single one of her followers. Messing with Natsuki's head so that the bluenette didn't know what to think. And on the third day…
"Can I sit down?"
Natsuki looked up and eyed the other girl with intent. This was a 'now or never' kind of situation and to her own surprise, the bluenette decided she didn't like the 'never' part.
"Thanks for the coffee, by the way," the quiet tone of her voice made it's huskiness more pronounced when the girl moved a bit to let Shizuru sit down. At the lilting "you're welcome" she heard in response, the corners of her mouth raised on their own.
From then on, it was as if nothing had changed since that first day in the summer. The two of them sharing the bench, focused on their own reading or writing, uttering seemingly off-hand remarks every now and then. Most often though, they sat in silence, the other's company enough to make them comfortable and content.
Some time has passed; autumn started to give way to winter and weather was threatening to put an end to their meetings. Natsuki didn't want Shizuru to come to her place and meet her family but at the same time, she knew that she'd feel out of place in the brunette's apartament.
"Our school library, then!" exclaimed Shizuru with joy after a moment of consideration.
Natsuki looked at her sceptically, pushing her numbing hands deeper into jacket pockets.
"Right, because without the uniform I will blend so perfectly with the students." She snickered. "Guess it's a goodbye then. See you next spring, Fujino."
She gave Shizuru an awkward handshake and made it as if she was to leave. The brunette caught her by the sleeve, though.
"Wait! There are private study rooms in the library as well. I can book one for you…," she trailed, lack of confidence clearly visible on her face. "If you still want to meet with me, that is."
Natsuki eventually turned back, showing Shizuru something completely unexpected: even, white teeth worrying thin lip, emerald eyes glistening and brimming with emotions.
"I…," Natsuki swallowed and blinked for a moment. "I'd like that."
Following the plan and using her seitokaichou privileges, Shizuru booked one of the rooms for Natsuki's sole use. It worked out better than any of them expected, allowing them even more time together. Not that they did anything special with it, no. They talked a lot more now than in the past but other than that, nothing has changed.
Well, nothing bar Natsuki's lips curving in a smile a bit more often. And her talking a bit more openly about personal things. Talking more openly in general, in fact.
One winter afternoon, they were sitting in silence in that very room, Natsuki making corrections to her writings and Shizuru reading some light novel. Every once in a while, though, the brunette kept throwing glances at her companion.
This didn't escape Natsuki's attention.
"Hmm?"
"No, it's just…" Shizuru put a bookmark between pages, closed the book and placed it on her lap. "What would you like for Christmas?"
Natsuki shrugged, her gaze still focused on the papers.
"I don't need anything. Already have all I need."
"But…" The brunette busied her hands leafing through the book. "It's not fair. I want to give you something…"
"You mean you want to get something from me?" By now Natsuki was quite well-versed in the Shizuru's roundabout manner of speech. "Heh, but I'm already…" She unconsciously patted the papers in front of her. "Okay, what is it?"
Shizuru looked down and her cheeks flushed lightly.
"It's something… different, though. I wanted to ask this of you but I'm kinda hesitant." She wrung her hands. "I don't know how you'd react."
Natsuki laughed heartily at her friend's discomfort.
"Shoot." She stepped closer to Shizuru and touched her shoulder. "Unless it's a naked photo, the worst I can do is say 'no', right?"
"Aww… no nude pictures?" The brunette winked playfully, making Natsuki blush in turn. Soon though her expression turned serious. "Could you close your eyes, please?"
With more than a hint of curiosity - bordering on suspicion, even - Natsuki complied. Soon enough, she felt Shizuru leaning closer, her warm breath caressing Natsuki's face. And then…
Something soft and trembling touched her lips. Touched them lightly, timidly… a featherlight, fearful kiss.
Natsuki's eyes shot open and she looked straight into Shizuru's crimson orbs. The depth of feelings in them made the bluenette's breath hitch. At that sound, Shizuru pulled back.
"I like you," she whispered, scanning Natsuki's face. Whatever she found or didn't found there must have stripped her of what little poise she had left. "I… I'm sorry… I should've…" She hid her face behind her hands.
Natsuki quickly gathered her things, everything but the papers, stuffing them in her knapsack.
"It's getting late. I-I need to go." In three long steps she was by the door. There she stopped and said, facing the wood, her hand clutching at the handle: "Don't beat yourself over this, Fujino. I… I appreciate your feelings but… it's all new to me. And it's too fast. Too new and too fast, yeah." Moved by some painful tightening of her heart, she went back to the brunette, embracing her, closing her in a hearty hug. "You are important to me, Shizuru. I just don't know if my like is the same as yours." She pushed the bangs out of Shizuru's face, pale fingers frantically running over heated cheeks.
Time stood still.
Natsuki placed a farewell kiss to Shizuru's forehead, which caused a blush on the brunette's face to intensify and the tears in her eyes to reappear.
"We will meet again, I promise."
New Year's Eve.
Natsuki found herself wandering through the park, drove away from home by her parents' yet another meaningless argument. First shivers started running down her spine - she left on the spur of the moment, wearing nothing but her hoodie and sneakers.
She noticed lights in the school library windows. Despite it being Christmas break, the facility seemed to be open for students. Was that self-study room still booked for her? And why should it be? After what had happened, Shizuru must have called the whole arrangement off.
Shizuru…
Ever since that day, the other girl didn't leave Natsuki's thoughts for a single waking moment, sometimes haunting her in her dreams as well. Their unexpected kiss was revisited by the bluenette time after time until she decided that this wasn't the reason for her escape. Shizuru's affection wasn't bothering her as much as one would think.
Neither was the fact that they were both girls.
It was only after long, sleepless hours of deliberations, that Natsuki found the main source of her unease. Brought up in a family such as hers, the girl had never really felt cared for, never felt truly needed. And now that she experienced this, she was afraid of destroying it.
She was afraid of inadvertently hurting Shizuru.
'Get a move on, Natsuki,' thought the bluenette when first cold raindrops hit her face. 'It's sink or swim now.'
The raindrops soon turned into a downpour and Natsuki was drenched from head to toe before she reached the library building. Just as she was to cross the threshold and escape the torrent, she bumped into somebody.
"I'm sorry!" She bowed deeply and tried to sidestep the other person.
"Natsuki?"
Familiar lilting voice made the girl double back.
For someone else's eye, Shizuru would have seemed her usual collected self. But Natsuki almost instantly noticed the slight creases of worry between her eyebrows, the eyelids drooping just a fraction from exhaustion, the timid but joyful sparkle in the crimson depths.
Before she could say a word though, the brunette was pulling her back outside.
"Where are you going?!"
"We are going to my home. You need a hot shower unless you want to get a pneumonia." Shizuru opened her umbrella and offered it to Natsuki, quietly adding: "I hoped you'd come back one day."
Natsuki stood in Shizuru's shower, hot water sprinkling on her face and streaming down her body.
She allowed the other girl to drag her here before her mind had a chance to protest. This wasn't right. Why should Shizuru care for her after Natsuki rejected her feelings? Did she count on the bluenette's gratitude? On some very specific form of it? With Mr and Mrs Fujino abroad, there was no one else in the apartment but the two of them.
Gentle knock on the bathroom door brought her back from her reverie. Splashing some water onto her face, Natsuki slapped her cheeks and stepped out of the shower. She quickly dried herself and wrapped the bath towel round her body.
Que sera, sera.
That chance meeting in the library made Natsuki realise she missed the other girl. Missed her more than she had ever missed anyone, even her family members. If this was love, the kind of love Shizuru had for her, she was ready to give herself away. And if the brunette's feelings had changed by now, Natsuki was ready to do whatever necessary to reclaim her heart.
With this new-found resolve, she stepped out of the bathroom and into Shizuru's room. She strode to the other girl and kissed her.
Kissed her quickly and clumsily.
Desperately.
Shizuru drew in her breath and her face pinked up just a tiniest bit. Yet, contrary to what Natsuki might have expected, she didn't lean in for more.
"Ah… I left pyjamas for Natsuki in the bathroom. They may be a tad loose but certainly more comfortable than… this." She pointed to the bath towel that by now was slowly becoming undone.
Confused, Natsuki went to the bathroom and indeed found the said garment. Putting it on, the girl tittered. Did she just fling herself at Shizuru? Almost as if it could be only all or nothing for her...
This time round, she entered Shizuru's room much more coyly. The brunette was sitting on her bed, wearing nightwear as well. When she patted the free space, Natsuki complied and sat by her. Crimson eyes were brimming with fondness, when Shizuru asked:
"Natsuki, did you mean that kiss?" The bluenette only nodded, her own gaze focused on their hands being clasped. The next question was preceded by a happy, content sigh. "Could you stay the night, then? Please, I'd love to celebrate the New Year with you."
Oh, so that's how she prefered to call it: celebrating the New Year. She had probably asked Natsuki to wear the pyjamas because she liked to… unpack… her gifts.
"Unless you have some other plans for the night? With your family, maybe." Crimson orbs searched Natsuki's face with worry and slight disappointment.
"No. I mean, I don't have any plans." Natsuki gulped, her fingers closing on the hem of her pyjama shirt. "I'd love to celebrate with you." She closed her eyes, waiting for the other girl to pounce on her.
But no pounce came.
What she got instead was a quick, heartfelt hug and the smell of chocolate, wafting by her nose.
She chanced a peek. Shizuru was holding two mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallows and when disoriented Natsuki took one of them from her, she reached for a remote.
"Thank you for the Christmas gift, by the way." Noticing confusion on Natsuki's face, she added: "'Love story for my lovely lady'?" she prompted, referring to the writings left by the other girl in the library room. "Was I wrong assuming you wrote it for me?"
"Oh, that one! Yes, it was for you." Natsuki chuckled and sheepishly rubbed her head. "Didn't turn out exactly how planned but every single word came from my heart." She paused for a sip of cocoa, hiding her face behind the mug. "Did you like it?"
Shizuru only smiled and hummed. Moments later, she looked back at the TV screen.
"'Love Actually' or 'Home Alone'?" she asked scrolling through her decoder hard-drive contents. Under Natsuki's incredulous gaze, she flushed. "Oh, come on. It's this time of the year and even I can have some guilty pleasures. So, which is it?"
Natsuki could only laugh at the brunette's embarrassment. She leant forward and kissed a heated cheek.
"Love, actually."
For J.