Rhabdomancy

~FawkesRises

Disclaimer:  don't own anything of course but a certain accessory, which shall remain nameless in order to protect the integrity of this fic.  Technically, I've loaned it to Harry and Drac but Draco promised they'd return it in good condition.

AN:  I don't think I've written anything this ludicrous since those poems in fourth grade (which thank Merlyn have been burned crispy) but me and the girls needed a bit of fun this week so they persuaded me to post this…

Dedication:  For Pez-because I love your smile.

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You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.      ~Aldous Huxley

I coulda told about the rise and the fall

But this time I swear it's not about anything at all

"Song About Nothin" ~PM5K

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Harry Potter was sitting at his desk, clicking away madly on his computer.  He'd just discovered the Internet and was quickly becoming a Net junkie.  He'd been lurking around, looking for interesting stuff (I'm not saying what) when he came across some…very interesting stories about him and a certain blonde…

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Draco Malfoy made his way up to Harry's dormitory.  When he opened the door he found everyone's favorite saviour muttering to himself over a stack of papers.

"Slammed against the wall of the broom shed?  Who is this nutter?  If anyone's doing any slamming it'll be me."

"Excuse me?"  Draco asked affronted.

Harry looked up.  "Oh, it's you," he said with an obvious lack of enthusiasm.

Draco was even more slighted now.  "W-e-l-l," he drawled "if you're going to be like that."  The Slytherin turned to head back out the door.

Harry stood up quickly.  "No wait Drac, I didn't mean it like that."

The blonde turned around and narrowed his eyes.  "Well, what's your problem then?" he asked almost coldly.

Harry shoved a handful of paper into the Slytherin's hands.  "Just read that," he said and then flopped back into a squashy armchair.

Draco sat on the arm of Harry's chair and the Gryffindor watched as he shuffled through the printouts.

With each page Draco's eyes got bigger and bigger.  "Third time's a charm?"  Harry just nodded sagely from his position in the chair.

Draco rifled through some more pages.  Suddenly an uncharacteristic flush stained his cheeks.  "Now she's got my MOTHER involved?!?!?!?"  His voice was an octave higher that usual.

Harry snorted, "Well at least she doesn't have you killing yourself over Ron."

"Not yet anyway," Draco muttered darkly.  He turned back to the pile of paper.  "Hey!...this one's kinda cool-you're in a band," he wrinkled his nose "but she called me a groupie."

"Yeah," Harry laughed, "she has Oliver and Katie together in that one."

"Wood and Bell?"  Draco looked incredulous.  "That's preposterous.  Everyone knows they would never work.  Besides, Wood fancies Flint."

"Flint?"  Harry asked incredulously.  Draco nodded. 

Harry looked disgusted.  "What is up with that?" he asked.

Draco shrugged.  He was too busy reading to really get involved in a conversation about half of Hogwarts and who they were sleeping with.  His eyes lit on a different kind of story than the rest.  "Look!" he exclaimed "Hedwig's in this one."

"What?!?!?"  Harry bellowed, jumping up from the chair.

Draco elbowed him in the stomach.  "Calm down." the Slytherin placated. "It's not a romantic thing…give her some credit."  He paused, "Actually, I think it's kind of…sweet."

Harry almost choked.  "You just said 'sweet'!" he exclaimed.

The Slytherin looked at him with narrowed eyes.  "Yes.  I did.  Your point?"

Harry could practically see Draco's hackles rise.  Uh oh.  He held up his hands in defense.  "Sorry," he placated.  When the blonde turned back to reading he muttered 'didn't even know you knew that word.'

His remark was greeted with silence.  The other boy had returned to reading.  Harry sat back down.

After a while, Harry began drumming his fingers on the chair arm.  This was boring…

Finally, the silence was broken when Draco asked:  "Do I really taste like salt and cinnamon?"

Harry blushed.  "Well…kind of…" he paused "Do I really remind you of cognac?" he asked thinking of a certain story he'd kind of liked.

"How the hell should I know?"  Draco looked affronted.  "I've never actually had any."

"Well…what do I taste like?"

The Slytherin boy suddenly looked down as he was hit with a violent spate of coughing.  "Come on," Harry persisted, "tell me."

"Well…" Draco began – the other boy looked at him expectantly- Draco took a deep breath -  "You taste like one of those Muggle breath mint things!" he blurted.

"A what??" 

"You know," the Slytherin gestured with one aristocratic hand, "one of those Tick-Tock things - the orange ones in fact."

"Tick-Tock?...Tic-Tacs!  I taste like an orange Tic-Tac?!?!?"  the apparently fruity flavored boy screeched.

Draco winced.  "Well…that's probably why she," he said, pointing to the offending story, "said cognac.  Wanted you to seem more…exotic."

Harry's mouth worked furiously but no sound came out.  Draco was afraid he'd suffer a heart attack at the ripe old age of sixteen – he quickly guided the apoplectic boy to his armchair (scary how much Harry resembled his uncle right then.)

After a few minutes, Harry finally calmed down.  He sat quietly in the armchair, trying to get his nerves under control.  (Draco was right about him needing to take up yoga.) 

Suddenly he sat bolt upright with a horrible look on his face.  This, of course, alarmed Draco, who thought Potter had finally blown a gasket and really was going to have that heart attack.  Either that or he'd finally cracked.  Not wanting to aggravate whatever was wrong, he rushed to Harry's side.  "What is it?" he asked.

"You know that itchy feeling you get in your nose when someone's talking about you?"

Draco nodded, wondering how fast he could cast the body-bind charm if Harry had really flipped.

"Well, I think someone is writing about us-RIGHT NOW!"

Draco looked uncertain.  "Well, what do you want to do about it?" he asked.

Harry jerked his wand out of his pocket.  "This!:  Accio notes!" he said with a rather malicious glint in his green eyes.

Suddenly, a hefty amount of notebook paper came flying in through the dormitory window. 

The dark haired boy didn't waste any time, he quickly skimmed the first page.  "Aha!" he said triumphantly, "See I told you-it's all here IN INK-her plans for us…"

A small scuffle broke out between the two boys to see who would get to read the rest of the inflammatory documents first.

The fight ended with Harry clutching his hand to his chest.  "Ow!  You didn't have to bite me!" he accused.

Draco smirked.  "Yeah, well since when do I play fair?"

"Good point."

There was a small lull in the conversation as Draco perused the copious amount of notes.

"Ohhhh!" the Slytherin let out a vicious giggle "I can't WAIT till she finishes some of these – you're gonna have way bigger problems than Ron."

"Hey! Let me see that –" Harry snatched the stack of notebook paper from Draco, slightly crumpling some of the sheets.  For a while all that could be heard was a slight rustling noise as the Gryffindor scanned the various pages. 

The more Harry read, the paler he became.  "She wouldn't…"he breathed unsteadily.

Draco looked at him in amusement.  "Apparently, she would."

Harry snatched up his wand, which he had dropped in the fight with Draco.  "I think we need to do a little creative editing…" he began.

Before Harry could even mutter a spell, there was a loud pop! and the two of them found themselves face to face with a girl…

Who pointed at Harry's wand hand, "I wouldn't do that if I were you" she said.

She was rather an ordinary looking girl – about the height of Hermione, she had spiky brown hair and blue eyes.  Her arms were crossed over a green t-shirt that said 'Slashers United' and her jeans had a small hole in one knee.  All in all, she was your basic everyday teenager…

Well, she did look a bit peeved off, but then again if you were in the middle of writing your next fic and some little git Accio'ed your notes, you might be a bit peeved too. 

"Who're you?"  Harry stammered.  Draco meanwhile, had found himself speechless for the first time in his life.

The girl gave Harry 'the look.'  "I think you know," she said.

"You're…" the boy trailed off, pointing at the now infamous heap of notebook paper.

The girl nodded.  "Yep."

"Oh."

(Meanwhile Draco's eyes strongly resembled two dinner plates.  He still hadn't uttered so much as a squeak.)

"That's right.  Sooo, if you don't mind…" the girl produced a wand from out of her back jeans pocket, "Accio notes!"  She then walked up to Malfoy and patted the side of his face.  "You know you're quite cute when you're speechless."  She grinned.  "Well, I'm off! Lots more to write you know!" she said cheerily.

Another loud pop! and the two boys were left alone again.

Draco suddenly found his voice (after all we can't have him speechless forever), "That was…she…we just saw…"  He took a deep breath.  "I guess we should be more careful…no telling who might show up next."

Harry meanwhile found something nagging him in the back of his mind.  How many times had Hermione told him…

He looked over at the blonde, "How did she Apperate inside Hogwarts?"

Before Draco could answer a funky looking owl had flown in the window and landed on Harry's head.  The boy looked up to see the spiky feathered bird shaking its foot in his eyes - there was a small note tied to its leg.  Harry reached up and untied the note and the little owl flew off.

Harry unrolled the parchment and read it aloud:

Harry & Draco

I can Apperate anywhere I want – I'm the author silly!  Didn't you get suspicious when Hogwarts suddenly got computers?  *sigh* Ohhh…and Harry, I'm gonna forgive that 'nutter' comment – for now anyway.

~Sam, F.R.

P.S.

I felt kinda bad for dropping in on you like that…so I sent a little present - have fun with the feathers. 

"Feathers?"  Both boys looked at each other in confusion.

The same little owl flew into the dormitory once again - this time clutching a green feather boa in his talons.  He flew over Harry and dropped the boa on his head.

Harry looked bemusedly at the feathered thing, his mind seeming to have temporarily gone on holiday…

That is until Draco piped up, "You know, those feathers really match your eyes."

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A few days later…

A certain teenage fic writer looked up from her latest bout of rough drafts.  Sitting calmly on her desk lamp was a snowy owl with a roll of parchment tied to her leg.  Untying the scroll, the girl scratched the owl's downy head as she read the note.

Dear Sam,

Thanx for the feathers…er. They were quite nice.  And thanx in advance for that next fic (you know the one).  And…well, I really don't mind the whole Ron thing-I DO!-sorry that was Drac-but did I have to kill myself in that fic?  And can we negotiate on that OTHER fic…you know…THAT one?  Please??? 
Anyway,  how about some nice happy fics?! I'm not saying you can't still put in some sex…er wait…can I say that?  Never mind-you can still put in erm…you know…

I WANT SMUT!!!

Draco! Shut up!

See what's happened?  He's like a sex fiend now!  *sigh* So think about what I said okay?  Nice. Happy. Fics.

With lots of sex!

DRACO!!!

~Harry

and Draco!

The End.

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AN2:

*hides under desk at threat of flying keyboards*  See?  I told you it was cracked!  *mutters* 'It's not my fault you didn't believe me'…

Anyway-the rhabdomancy thing…

Rhabdomancy:  n., fortunetelling by sticks or wands.

~Word Lover's Dictionary,  Josefa Heifetz