It's fine, I'm fine, everything is fine.

Home

*.*.*.*.*

"Are you coming home tonight?" Magnus asks on the other end of the phone, and Alec swallows hard at the question, asked so softly, so… sadly almost.

But it is the word home that trips him up the most, because… isn't he home already? Sitting on his bed at the Institute? Magnus has already made it clear that Alec cannot call his loft his home, so why is he asking such a question like it won't twist a knife in Alec's gut? Why is he making it so hard for Alec to slow things down?

"I…" Alec begins, takes his bottom lip in for a fraction of a moment as he considers his words.

He doesn't know how to answer Magnus, doesn't know what the warlock wants him to say. He would like nothing more than to call the loft his home, would like to go to Magnus, would like to curl up in their bed and cuddle with the love of his life as they drift off to sleep, but… Magnus has made the lines and boundaries very clear: Alec's home is the Institute, and Magnus' bed is just that: Magnus' bed, not his and Alec's, just Magnus'.

This is the way things are, and the way Magnus wants things to be.

"I'm sleeping in my own bed tonight," Alec says finally, when he decides how to word it without breaking his own heart.

He hears a faint sigh on the other end that he knows means this conversation is not over, but he isn't sure just what else there is to say at this point, really.

"You haven't slept at home in a week," Magnus says softly, and Alec can feel, in his tone, the way Magnus would caress the side of his face if they were having this conversation face to face, and he has to shut his eyes against the phantom sensation. "If there's something wrong, something we need to talk about…"

"Magnus," Alec interrupts. "We've already talked about it; you want to take it slow, so I'm just… giving you the space you want; I'm slowing things down. Isn't this... what you wanted?" he asks, his voice a low, sad thing that wracks himself down to his very core, nevermind what he can only imagine it is doing to Magnus.

"What I want is to fall asleep with you in my arms," Magnus says when he says anything at all. And that is all that Alec wants too, but he's used to not getting what he wants, what is one more thing?

He has known that things with Magnus couldn't last forever, that things would not be perfect for long; he would be smart to consider himself lucky that things lasted as well as they did for as long as they did. Now… he has to get used to this new reality of theirs. And he is sure that he will, in time. He is sure he will get used to spending less nights at Magnus', to spending more time at the Institute again, to sleeping without the warlock close by.

He will get used to the Institute being home again, he just needs time to readjust.

"I don't know what you want me to say," Alec murmurs finally.

"I want you to say you'll come home."

"Magnus," Alec says, and his voice is pained; why can't Magnus just… "Please, can you just… this isn't easy for me, you know," he admits, and suddenly he is struck with the urge to sob.

Being in love isn't supposed to make his chest hurt this much—not like this, like he's choking on it in the worst possible way. Magnus often makes him lose his breath, but, well, it isn't supposed to be like this, like he is dying, like there isn't enough air in his chest. He is supposed to breathe in the love and choke on that, forget how to breathe out because he wants nothing more than to keep it all inside forever, not breathe out the sadness until his lungs are empty and he forgets how to breathe in anything else ever again.

"It's no easier for me, Alexander," Magnus assures him, though it does little to actually make Alec feel better, he realizes; Magnus is the one who wants to slow things down and enjoy them as they come, after all, what right does he have to ask Alec to "come home," to tell him this isn't easy on him?

But Alec is too tired and too lonely to actually be angry, he realizes as he slumps down into himself; he is so, so tired indeed.

"Well, you know where I am if you need me," Alec says then, deciding he is done with this conversation now.

Magnus sighs again, and Alec can just see him shaking his head, but…

"Alright," he says, because what else is there to say, Alec thinks. "Goodnight, Alexander."

"Goodnight, Magnus. I love you," Alec replies, because it is still true, he does still love Magnus, will always love Magnus; no amount of "slowing things down," would ever even begin to change that.

"I love you too; sweet dreams."

And with that, Alec hangs up the phone and crawls into his bed, gets lost in a mess of sheets that are nowhere near as comfortable or warm as the ones at Magnus' loft are, but, well, he will have to get used to these once again as well. Maybe he will buy a new set—a softer set, or at least one in the same color as the ones Magnus has. It is a small thing, but perhaps it will make falling asleep that much easier; it is always the small things that matter most, after all.

Some time later, while he is still trying to find sleep that has eluded him ever since he stopped sleeping over at Magnus', he feels a presence creep up behind him in bed, and his body doesn't stiffen at the intruder, doesn't think of the danger it could be. Instead, it relaxes into the embrace that it knows all too well, that it has missed so, so much.

A kiss is pressed to the back of his neck, and he smiles as words are mumbled against his skin, "I needed you."

Alec swallows, leans back into Magnus' embrace, and he breathes in, and he thinks they will be okay.

*.*.*.*.*