Bella sat at her desk, "doing homework". She stuck her tongue out as she added another heart to her doodle of a handsome manly vampire. In actuality, she was thinking about that dreamboat, Edward Cullen, who was totally the hottest guy ever.
"Oh my God, Edward," sighed Bella, "You are like the most hottest thing ever to walk the planet, Edward. Edward. Edwaaaaaaaaaaaard."
A sudden rustling would have made her look up if she hadn't been drooling over the creepish-stalker-person Edward.
"Bella, my LOVE," said Edward, sparkling in the sunlight that technically should not have been there because, FYI, the sun does not exist in Forks, Washington. That's why vampires live there. "I have been watching you this whole time and I think you're the most lovely thing ever and please don't shut your curtains anymore because then I couldn't watch you."
Bella's head nearly exploded upon hearing the moronic…I mean, wonderful voice of her moronic…I mean, wonderful Edward. There he was, stalkerishly standing in the window because he's magic like that, blinding all who walked past with his sparkly brilliance that made him oh-so-manly.
"Come, Bella, let us run away and get MARRIED," droned Edward, scarlet cape flowing in the Forks breeze. He looked wonderfully valiant, holding a disposable camera in his waxy hand. He had about a zillion pictures to get developed at the local Mini-Mall. Then his Bella shrine would be complete. He'd also stolen her hairbrush, too, so if she ever died he could resurrect her. Because Edward just could not be without his Bella, or he and his vampirishness would perish for all eternity.
"ZOMG EDWARD YOU'RE LIKE AMAZING," said Bella, eyes glazed over. "I WOULD LOVE TO COME MARRY YOU BUT WHAT AM I GONNA TELL MY DADDY."
Edward stared at Bella with his gooey-caramel "orbs", which is, bafflingly, how some people describe eyes. However, Edward is just so hot it makes sense.
Bella began to drool.
"Well, that's okay," said Edward, voice gushing feminine-manliness. His "orbs" sparkled with the light of a thousand suns. "We can go on a wonderful fanficcy picnic, and I can take more pictures of you and maybe even hide a tracking device in your coat so I'll always be able to find you, Bella, always. Always be able to find you."
"Like, okay, I hate nerds," said Bella, standing up and leaving her homework sadly neglected on her desk. It was okay, though, because nothing was on it except doodles of Edward.
While walking to the window, Bella inexplicably tripped over her own two feet and almost bashed her head in on the window railing. But that was okay because HANDSOME EDWARD was there to heroically catch her and whisk her off through the window where they flew through the air to Edward's MAGIC PICNIC SPOT.
"Let's frolic!" cried Bella, prancing through the daisies. And even though Edward joined her in the very un-manly activities of frolicking and prancing, it was okay because he was so incredibly hot. He was so hot you could have fried an egg on his skinny, un-masculine chest.
As they frolicked, Bella daydreamed about Edward, and Edward's arms flopped around like the crazy deranged personality-less maniac he was. His face remained handsome and pretty and well-sculpted, and he was so hot the sweat evaporated before it was even created.
"Bella," sighed Edward, camera snapping pictures, "I'll never let you get away from me. I'll always be there. I'll always find you. You will never be able to hide from me. I know everything you do."
"Oh Edward," sighed Bella, batting her eyes at him, "That is so romantic."
"Bella," said Edward, because he was sexy. "I love you. But I am TOO DANGEROUS."
But then! A sudden noise erupted from the trees, because Forks, Washington, is full of trees! Birds flew up in terror, and Bella screamed like the little weakling girl she was. Edward stood valiantly, mostly because he didn't have enough room in his head for thinking about anything other than Bella. His scarlet cape blew in the wind…again. Sparkles abounded.
"BELLA," cried Jacob Black, wielding a Tommy gun. "HOW CAN YOU LOVE THAT SPARKLING SISSY-BOY?"
"Vampires sparkle," said Bella, not understanding the question fully because she was staring at Edward's well-sculpted cheekbones.
BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM, went the Tommy gun.
Riddled with holes, Bella fell to the ground, gasping.
"Edward," she said, infatuated to the end. And then she died.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," cried Edward monotonously. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
"I have killed her," said Jacob. "Now that I have nothing to live for, I'll kill myself, too. But not before I kill you."
Death match!
Edward flew into the air, because he is a vampire and he is hot and he is sexy. He spun around a few times for good measure.
Jacob ate a cookie.
"I loved Bella!" cried Edward. "Even though I wanted to rip out her throat and suck all her delicious blood because I am a hot vampire and that's what hot vampires do and I write with cursive!"
"Angst," said Jacob. "I am fueled by teen angst for the dead Bella whom everyone loves because she is so great and she hates nerds!"
And then the sun, in Forks, Washington, where it never shines, realized that Edward was a vampire.
Edward, screaming, burst into flame.
"Triumph," said Jacob, his black hair flowing in the wind. And then his head exploded.
"Bella," croaked Edward, as he was slowly consumed by flames. "I will always watch you. Forever. Even when you sleep. And even when you die."
And then, twirling Bella's bloodstained hair in-between his well-sculpted fingers, Edward died.
The end.