He's asleep when it happens.
All week there have been calls for rescue going off at a rapid rate, and both he and his brothers have been stretched thin to complete their missions. John finds it hard to talk to others at the best of times and he has no idea how he managed to juggle comms with three brothers and multiple terrified victims at once.
But on Saturday after the biggest rescue they've had yet involving Buddy and Ellie finding themselves trapped (again), he finds the station oddly silent.
For a moment he just floats there, mind not really registering the fact that yes, Thunderbird 5 is silent, and yes, there are NO distress calls coming in.
Exhausted from minimal sleep and sporting an enormous headache he quietly orders EOS to monitor the system before retiring to his room, eyes already closing with pure exhaustion. He doesn't even hear EOS give a customary call of "FAB".
It's only to the blare of desperate sirens and flashing red lights that he jolts awake, darting for his console with barely disguised panic. If this call is anything like the others they've had all week he should be prepared for a major disaster.
A holograph of a young woman with a baby balanced on her hip catches his eye and she immediately notices him.
" Please help us! A gas leak started a fire in the day care section of our office building, it's spreading and the fire exits are all blocked!" She cries out, coughing as she does so on what he notices to be thick smoke.
He's immediately shaken off his exhaustion and his mind is focused.
" International Rescue will be on the way, just get everyone as far away from the flames as you can and a rescue will be on the way shortly," He reassures, trying to sound professional despite the residual headache he feels.
She seems relieved but a loud crash and the sizzling pop of the flames below sends her panic back up again.
" Please hurry, we have twenty children who stay with us while their parents work in the offices above and they're terrified!" She pleads desperately.
He knows the children are not the only ones who are terrified but he send a reassuring smile her way before the transmission ends and he's immediately hooked up to the living room on Tracy Island.
The familiar faces of his brothers fill his console screen and he's immediately relaying the situation and its urgency.
They stay silent through his explanation but soon they're moving and Alan is sending him an encouraging smile.
" Scott, Virgil and Gordon are on the way now in Thunderbirds one and two, they'll get them out of there," his youngest and dare he say most favourite brother assures him and the confidence in his sky blue gaze makes John want to believe it too.
Alan is wrong.
Two hours after he's sent them off he listens to Virgil and Gordon's anguished cries as they watch the roof collapse in and bury ten of the children who have yet to be evacuated. Just studying the wreckage on his schematics John knows there is no hope for them.
Scott is yelling, struggling to stay in command and save the ones they managed to rescue whilst warring with his grief over the ones they didn't.
John doesn't hear a word of what his older brother says, he's numb to it all except the sobs of the woman who had initially called him, the head childcare worker known as Ruby.
" You promised you'd get here! You said they'd save us! You were too late!" She wails. He hears her over Virgil's comm unit and heartbreakingly, he hears the sound of young children asking where their friends and siblings have gone. No one has the heart to tell them that their loved ones were crushed by a burning building.
His brothers contact him when they return and the children are sent off to their families, and John can see their grief etched on to the soot stained faces staring blankly at his hologram.
Alan is nowhere to be seen, obviously knowing the disaster that had befallen and having gone to hide out in his room, knowing that the debrief would be tough enough for his family without having him there as a distraction.
" John…what happened?" Scott asked huskily, tired blue eyes staring up at his projection.
John swallowed hard, grief pricking at his heart.
" The mission did not end in complete success," he answered, hoping his professionalism would keep them all from crumbling with the stress and emotion of the week.
" And why did it end that way?" Scott inquires as if he is prompting John to make the connections he is obviously missing.
Slightly confused at the interrogatory tone being used by his beloved older brother John replies unsteadily, blue eyes searching his brother's faces for answers.
" The fire was advanced when I got to my console to begin coordinating a rescue, by the time IR got there the damage was advanced, prompting the collapse of the building and the loss of life," He rattles off monotonously.
Scott, Virgil and Gordon all wince at the painful subject he has broached, and he notices Virgil's eyes harden with his anger at the injustice of it all. John is about to try and console his immediate older brother when Virgil turns his burning gaze to his projection.
" No John, that's not why the mission failed. It failed because you didn't notify us in time! Just what were you doing before the signal went off?" Virgil snapped.
John recoiled, heart squeezing painfully at the savage tone his brother uses and immediately he feels his social anxiety coming back full force.
" I-I was asleep when the alarms woke me and I rushed to rectify the situation as fast as I could," He reveals, the shock at his brother's anger is clear in his tremor.
Virgil growls angrily at that, and Gordon and Scott both looked up sharply, their eyes narrowing in tandem.
" So what you're saying is that while you were asleep the alarm could have been going off for ages! In the time you wasted we could have saved ALL the children. I can't believe you were so stupid!" Gordon rages, and John can't bring himself to retort because the pain in his little brother's eyes is barely masked.
Scott and Virgil are pacing now, hands balled in to angry fists.
" John, your mistake cost us lives today! We had to sit there and watch children scream as they burned and fell to their deaths while you fooled around in space! Think about what your mistake has cost, their blood is on your hands," Virgil snarls.
A moment later the transmission is cut off, but not fast enough to avoid the sight of his brother's disappointed faces. One look at the disappointment, rejection and anger projected from the brothers he'd gladly die for and John feels his heart break to pieces.
Over the next three days Scott, Virgil and Gordon don't speak a word to him. Alan is his only friend in the world. When he calls in to tell his brothers about rescues Alan is the one who answers, and when people need his brothers Alan relays his orders, apparently the others don't even want to see him.
They tolerate his information on missions and respond to his intermittent orders but the brotherly trust and love they had once placed in him is absent in their words and actions.
It's constant reminder of his failure.
Why can't they understand that he is grieving too?
" John?"
He snaps back to reality, realizing that he had zoned out mid conversation with Alan.
" Yes, sorry Alan," he apologises.
" It's fine".
He means it, he just wishes it was so easy for his other brothers to accept an apology from him.
" Are you okay John? You look absolutely exhausted and if you're anything like the others then I'm assuming that you haven't slept these past days," Alan murmurs, baby blue eyes shining in honest concern.
His baby brother's love is what has gotten him through the past few days and yet no amount of Alan's love could wash out the stain he wears.
" I can't sleep. If I do then I'll miss another rescue alarm and more people will die," He sighs.
More. The word tastes bitter on his tongue. The body count should be none, and while he knows they've lost people on mission before it was never due to his own incompetence and selfishness.
His brothers had all been tired but he had been so selfish, deciding to sleep when people were dying.
" Please John, I know the others are being asses but you can't beat yourself up about what happened. I know you responded as quickly as you could've and soon they will realize that too".
John only wishes it were true.
When Scott emerges to hear the outcome of the relatively risk free mission Virgil and Gordon had teamed up for he finds his youngest brother sitting in the lounge with a scowl on his young face.
Immediately his big brother instincts take over and he finds himself sitting down with Alan, concern in his gaze.
" Hey brother, what's wrong?" He asks.
Virgil and Gordon have just entered the room and they both prick up at his words.
Alan glares up at him, disappointment in his teary gaze.
" I'm fine, but John isn't," he murmurs worriedly.
At the mention of their middle brother Scott's gaze hardens and he feels almost guilty about the fact that Alan's words haven't made him worry about the state of his younger brother in space.
" What's he done now?" Virgil snipes, collapsing on to the couch with a huff of annoyance.
Alan knows that Virgil is hot headed and emotional at the best of times but to speak that way about a brother is a new extreme.
" John hasn't done anything wrong! He's up there exhausted and grieving because you guys won't talk to him," Alan growls in response.
He sees Gordon flinch slightly and he knows his immediate older brother is the weak link in the brotherly anger chain. Maybe he can find an ally there.
" He should grieve," Gordon mutters before storming off to his room.
Alan stares after his brother and knows that the potential ally he saw in him has just shattered.
He's about to respond when Brains arrives looking incredibly pleased. The young engineer saunters in to the room and turns to address Scott, an excited gleam on his face.
" You seem happy, I take it you have good news for us?" Scott prompts gently.
Brains nods eagerly and he's pulling up diagrams Scott could never hope to decipher on his own.
" Y-Yes. The system m-malfunction that was p-previously delaying our c-communications has been f-fixed," Brains states proudly.
Scott raises an eyebrow in interest.
" I didn't notice a problem with our communications system," He replies, thinking back to the broadcasts going in and out of Tracy Island the past few days.
" O-Oh no, not w-with our system here b-but with the s-system on Thunderbird five. When the hood a-attacked last week t-they planted a v-virus in the system which was r-relatively easy to fix once detected. I did not n-notice it until a few d-days ago," Brains admits, pointing out the areas of their systems now glowing green and virus free.
Alan is immediately on his feet.
" How did it affect Thunderbird five?" He asks, concern for John clear in his stance.
Brains smiles reassuringly to him and puts out a calming hand to placate his worries.
" Distress s-signals being r-received by Thunderbird five w-were delayed due to the v-virus. N-now we can r-respond at the a-accurate times," Brains assures him.
Immediately Virgil and Scott share a look of shock before Virgil is getting to his feet as well, eyes wide and worried.
" So what you're saying is that John wasn't receiving calls until minutes after they were sent out?" Virgil confirms.
At a nod from Brains the two oldest feel their stomachs drop.
" We've been bloody fools".
He's so exhausted he can barely keep his bloodshot eyes open let alone move his body in any way. His throat is dry from having barely drunken anything and he hasn't eaten for three days. He figures it is fitting punishment.
He's officially a murderer.
Never mind he didn't physically harm the victims by his own hand, no, his weakness let nature do that for him.
Almost all his brothers hate him and soon he knows that Alan will hate him too. His brothers are all he has and without them he sees no need to exist.
His mind has gone in to some strange place where he's neither awake nor asleep, he merely drifts aimlessly along. He doesn't know what is dream and what is reality but he thinks that the view of Thunderbird three docking against five is a dream.
The touch that greets him moments later does seem quite realistic though. As does the worried face of his oldest brother Scott who's mouthing something he can't hear.
The sight of his oldest brother, whether real or dream has a small silver tear streaming down his pale face and while he knows his voice is weak he has to get his words across somehow.
" I'm sorry," he gasps, voice weak and thready at best.
" You have nothing to be sorry about baby brother," he hears softly, and if this is a dream then John thinks it is nice.
He didn't realize he'd fallen asleep at some point and when he awakens he does so with a frantic gasp. He can't fall asleep, not after what happened last time he did so.
His body feels heavy and he realizes it's gravity.
He's on earth?
His assumption is rewarded by the four sets of hands aborting any further movement and the worried voices clamoring over one another in his ears.
The sound and light are painful but the warm touch and the words been spoken are not.
" Johnny!" His youngest brother squeaks.
Alan is on him in an instant, hugging him hard enough to steal what little air he has.
" H-Hey," he croaks, vocal chords rubbing like sandpaper.
His vision has adjusted and he's greeted with the anxious but familiar faces of all four brothers gazing down at him.
"I-" he begins to murmur dejectedly on to be stopped by a warm finger on his lips.
" Hush now brother, we need to do the talking while you rest and recover. We were idiots and we blamed you without reason, we're sorry," Virgil says.
The depth of weary emotion in Virgil's voice has John's heart leaping.
" It wasn't right of us to put the blame on you when in reality it was the hood who caused all the problem, what with the virus messing with your transmission receivers," Gordon apologises.
His words have John's heart soaring, though he's filled with confusion.
Seeing him about to comment Scott halts him with a knowing glance.
" There was a virus planted weeks ago that no one knew about until recently, Brains fixed it so we're alright now, but the virus was what caused the call you received to be so late. It wasn't your fault we weren't there in time and you aren't to blame for the deaths of those children. But we however are to blame, we're to blame for driving you in to this exhausted state and making you feel like a failure. We're sorry, we love you John," Scott says warmly, cupping a calloused but gentle hand around his brothers cheek.
Through the sudden tears in his vision he barely notices Alan telling him not to cry because it's a happy moment.
He can't speak, but Scott's words have his heart positively exploding with happiness.
All is right with his world.