"Mind if I smoke?" Kogoro asked.
"Whatever makes you comfortable." The woman answered, smiling politely. Kogoro pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it with his pocket lighter. The woman waited for him to inhale a few times before she spoke again.
"Listen, Mouri-san, I know no officer likes to be sent to the department psychiatrist but I think we can have a pleasant session, don't you?" She said. Kogoro grunted but didn't answer. He looked around the room. It was all set up to be comfortable and non-threatening. He noted the muted color scheme, the large cushioned furniture, the carefully cleaned and dusted desk. Kogoro had expected a lounging couch but didn't find one. Maybe that was out of style now. Instead, he sat in one of a pair of gray easy chairs.
"My notes say that you were sent to me because your wife was taken hostage by a criminal in front of your daughter." She said "You fired, striking your wife in the leg and then fired on the suspect, disabling him. There's been some disciplinary action but your superiors also suggested that you speak to me."
"Suggested isn't exactly the right word." Kogoro said "Look, with all due respect, I don't need to be here."
"Well, as long as we have to be here, why don't you tell me about that incident? Must have been frightening." She said. Kogoro stuck his cigarette back in his mouth and shrugged. He looked away, hearing Ran's voice in his ears, shouting for Eri.
"Nothing I can't handle." He said. She smiled and made a small note on the clipboard in front of her. Kogoro looked but couldn't read it from where he sat.
"You know, often when police officers experience something like this, they suffer from anxiety, depression or even PTSD. They can have outbursts of anger, start drinking heavily or even begin to push away those people they love. Does any of that sound like something you may be going through?" She asked.
"If this is the best you can do, you may as well just go to bed!" Kogoro had shouted at Eri over their burnt dinner. She began to shout back. Ran was crying. Kogoro felt like his chest was going to implode. His head was pounding.
"Nope." He said simply, shrugging. She made another small note.
Kogoro sat alone in his bedroom, the room feeling cold and empty without Eri. Empty beer cans clattered around his feet as he stood, swaying, to retrieve another six-pack from the fridge. Empty, empty, empty…everything around him. It was late. Ran was already in bed. He couldn't sleep.
"What do you like to do for fun, Mouri-san?" She asked. Kogoro looked at her suspiciously. Who did she think she was, trying to outwit him? She was waiting for him to slip up, to say something crazy and get him kicked off the force.
"Same as anyone, I suppose." He said guardedly. She didn't answer. He refused to provide more information, letting the moments tick by in silence. The shrink didn't seem bothered by it. She was older than Kogoro, her hair pulled into an unforgiving bun behind her head was nearly all grey. She had lines tracing the edges of her mouth, the wrinkles of her eyes. She didn't wear any jewelry. She wore a neatly pressed black suit and white blouse.
"Someone mentioned to me that you quite like the horse races. Are you a betting man?" She said finally.
"What, a man can't put a few dollars on a horse race without making some federal case out of it?" He snapped. She sighed, low and quiet.
"Listen, Mouri-san, I'm not your enemy. I'm not trying to trick you. My job is to make sure that you can do your job. No one expects for you to be perfectly okay after what happened. It's a traumatic thing to see your loved ones in danger." She said. Kogoro snuffed the cigarette out in the ashtray on the table beside him. Next to the ashtray was a box of Kleenex. He sneered at the thought of some blubbering police officer in this room, crying his eyes out to this old woman. He leaned back in his chair.
"Why don't you just walk me through what happened?" She asked. Kogoro sighed. He'd gone over it with his supervisor, with the review board, with every person in the damn department, it seemed. Why should he have to go over it again and again and again? She probably had all the details in her damn notes anyway.
"Megure-san and I had detained a suspect and—" but the woman cut him off.
"I know all that already, Mouri-san." She said, "I know the details and the actions you took. I know the actions Megure-san and the criminal took but what I'd like to hear from you is what happened to you afterwards?"
"What do you mean?" He asked. He itched for another cigarette but didn't pull one.
"When you took your wife…Eri-san?" He nodded and she went on "When you took Eri-san to the hospital. Who took care of your daughter?"
"Ran-chan." Kogoro told her.
"What a beautiful name. Ran-chan. It means Orchid, doesn't it?" The therapist asked. Kogoro nodded.
"Eri chose it." He said.
"While Eri-san was in the hospital, did you have friends or family come by to help take care of Ran-chan?" She asked. Kogoro felt his anger rise.
"Well, I took care of her. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of her! Why shouldn't I be? I'm her father, after all." He said, his voice rising ever so slightly. The therapist nodded.
"I didn't mean to insinuate that, Mouri-san. I'm sure you're a wonderful father." She said. Kogoro crossed his arms. Ran had been staying with him while Eri pouted in her mother's house. He'd been the one dressing her and feeding her and walking her to school. When Eri came back, she'd see just how well he could manage without her.
"Well, I am." He grumbled, the anger still simmering in his chest.
"How long was Eri hospitalized for?" She asked.
"Only overnight. The wound was very shallow. Barely a nick." He said. The woman nodded and there were more minutes of long silence. Kogoro felt his fingers and legs begin to twitch with need for movement. He didn't want to sit here anymore. He didn't want to listen to this damned doctor ask a hundred questions about Eri and Ran as if it were any of her business at all. He wanted…out. He didn't know where he wanted to be but just anywhere but here. He rubbed his eyes and restrained a sigh.
"Did she cry?" The doctor asked.
"She never cries." Kogoro responded.
"Your daughter never cries?" The doctor replied, unable to hide a shade of surprise. Kogoro waved his hand.
"I thought you meant Eri." He mumbled.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to ask if Ran-chan cried. It must have been scary for her." She said. Kogoro thought back. Megure had swooped in so quickly and grabbed Ran out of harm's way. He felt a rush of affection for his partner, his friend. He couldn't remember if Ran had cried or not. He was focused on Eri, on the man threatening her. He trusted Megure to keep Ran safe so he pushed her from his mind. He had to. The most important thing to address was the threat in front of him. He wasn't being cold or cruel, he told himself, he was being logical.
"I don't know." He said finally. "Megure-san had her."
"What about later that night? It's common for children to have nightmares after events like this." The doctor asked. All Kogoro could remember from that night was shouting shouting shouting. He didn't even remember what was said, much less how Ran had reacted afterwards. He felt a pang of guilt. Had she been having nightmares? She seemed like the same little girl she always was. He hadn't even bothered to ask her.
"She's fine." He said finally, hoping to convince himself as well.
"She sounds like a resilient little girl. Very strong." The doctor said. Kogoro smiled, unable to shake the guilt but happy to talk about Ran.
"She'd already top of her karate class." He said "Great grades in school, too. Like her old man, I guess! Strong and smart and good looking!" He laughed at his own bravado. The doctor smiled but her brow contracted in thought. Kogoro caught the look.
"What is it?" He said. Her face fell into a professionally imperceptible mask again. Kogoro leaned easily back in his chair. This woman wasn't so hard to manipulate after all. Once he had her convinced that he was fine, they'd put him back on active duty in no time. Everything would be exactly back to normal.
"So, doc, tell me," Kogoro's old swagger was beginning to show through "Am I crazy or what?" He laughed at his own joke.
"Not at all, Mouri-san." She said "I'd like for you to tell me moue about how things are at home, if you don't mind."
"Fine, fine, perfectly fine." He said disinterestedly.
"So, Ran-chan and Eri-san are both doing okay? No nightmares, no crying? And you say that you're doing fine, fine, fine, too. Mouri-san, you're a marvel of the modern world if that's all true. You'll be the first patient I've ever had to be so close to losing a loved one in a violent confrontation to ever walk away being fine, fine, fine." She said coolly.
"Well when you say it like that…" He said weakly. Suddenly the simmering anger and heavy guilt collided and exploded inside of him. He stood up from the chair and began to shout:
"Listen here, lady. I've spent the last six years as a police officer. I've see and done a lot of things, been in and out of crime scenes that would make someone like you sick and I've never been better. Got it? Ran and Eri are my business and it's my duty as a man to take care of them no matter what! That's exactly what I did! I did my duty as a husband and a father and they're both safe now aren't they?" Suddenly, without warning a lump grew in Kogoro's throat and tears began to spill down his face but he continued shouting at the impassive woman.
"I don't care what you or anyone else thinks about what I did. It wasn't you standing out there. It wasn't your wife with a gun to her head! It wasn't your daughter shrieking for her mother! Don't you tell me how I'm supposed to feel about it! I am Mouri Kogoro and I am fine, fine fine!" He towered over the old woman, wiping tears away on the sleeve of his suit jacket. God, why was he crying? He was breathing heavily, as if he'd been running. His ears pounded. He wanted out, he wanted to go home. The woman didn't seem intimidated by him. He felt the waves of guilt being to wash back over him.
He wanted Eri.
"Mouri-san," The doctor said gently, not rising, "I think you made a very hard decision and I think you are struggling to feel okay with what you had to do to save the people you love."
Kogoro collapsed back into the grey easy chair, continuing to wipe his face on his sleeve, stubbornly refusing the available tissues. He felt exhausted after his outburst. Embarassed. He hardly even heard the woman's reply. He sighed deeply.
"I am glad you shared that with me." The woman said and Kogoro nodded numbly.
"I did the right thing, didn't I?" He asked weakly. "Because they're safe now."
"Mouri-san. You did everything in your power to keep them both from harm. You should never feel guilt about that. I think I know why your bullet struck Eri-san. I understand why it had to be done but that doesn't make it easier, does it?" She asked. Kogoro shook his head and buried his face in his hands. She allowed him a moment to gather himself.
"I don't think I want to be a police officer anymore." He confessed. The doctor was not shocked by this revelation.
"What will you do instead?" She asked. He shrugged. Then, he knew. He had always known. What else could the answer be?
"I think I'd made a pretty good Private Detective." He said meekly.
"I think so, too, Mouri-san." She smiled at him "I think that you're a good officer, too. Whichever you choose to pursue, I have confidence that you will do well. However, do not neglect your feelings, Mouri-san. The fear and sadness that come along with events like these are natural and healthy. Don't hide behind this visage of cockiness and stubbornness. It will only end up hurting you in the long run."
"Okay." Kogoro agreed contritely. They talked for only a little while longer and then his required hour was up. She allowed him to use a small private bathroom to wash his face. He walked out of the office, thanking her politely and promising that, should he need to, he would make additional appointments.
Before returning to his desk, where he had been restricted until the discipline board had finished their evaluation of the event, he stopped at the public pay phone in the foyer. He dropped a few coins into the slot and dialed up the familiar number to Eri's mother's house.
"Hello?" Said Eri's cool professional voice. He smiled just to hear it.
"Hello, Obasan." He said teasingly "Are you going to come home yet?"
"I haven't decided. Why should I?" She said stubbornly, but not harshly.
"Don't be dumb. You know you want to come back to me and Ran. Why not just do it and be done with all this?"
"You think that I'm that easy to win back?"
"I never lost you." He said. He could hear her smile, her blush. His heart skipped a beat.
"Is that your good for nothing husband?" shouted a voice from the background of the other end of the phone. Kogoro recognized Eri's mother's voice.
"Yes, okasan." Eri answered.
"Don't say yes to her calling me a no-good husband!" Kogoro said hotly.
"Well, why shouldn't I? That's exactly what you are!" She replied.
"That old witch is putting bad ideas in your head, Eri. You need to come home!" He said.
"I'll come home when I please and if that's the way you're going to speak about my mother, it may not be for a long time!" She said and the line when dead. Kogoro growled and slammed the receiver down. What a stubborn woman! He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked away, feeling fine, fine, fine.