Please
Life is a cruel thing. I know we all like to romanticize about karma and universal balance and there's a person out there for everyone. But the universe isn't interested in romance and everyone getting to spend their lives in love. There are some people who do, the lucky ones. And then you get the people who never find love at all, who spend their lives chasing an idea and clinging to anything that resembles it until the pain of holding on becomes too much. In my opinion, those people aren't even the unluckiest kind.
"Do you know why you're here?" A man sat across from Callie. They were in a vacant board room in the hospital. He sat at the head of the table; she, two seats away, her hands clasped insecurely in front of her.
"The chief said i couldn't get back into an O.R. until you cleared me."
"And do you know why that is?"
"I lost a patient." She replied.
"Doctors lose patients all of the time." He reasoned. "What was significant about this patient?"
Callie just shrugged.
"Have you been under a lot of stress lately?"
"Pretty much everyday since birth."
"More so than usual, i mean."
"I guess." There was an edge to her tone.
"And how are things at home?" He changed tack in a bid to get through more easily.
"I don't see what that has to do with me operating."
"Just trying the get the full picture." He explained. "Okay, can you tell me your patient's name?"
"Um, i um... They... I- i dont remember." Callie struggled.
"Thats okay. We can come back to that later."
"Okay"
"Can you tell me about the surgery?"
Callie had been paged in the middle of the night in response to an emergent case. A woman had been in a car accident and was suffering from many internal injuries.
"Scans are back." Ross exclaimed as he rushed into the consult room, pulling the films from their sheath and putting them up on the backlight for Callie and Bailey to examine.
"Ooh, she's got some nasty contusions on this liver." Bailey muttered to herself. "That kidney's gonna have to come out too. Ross, page Yang for a consult, i don't like the look of her lungs. Best to have her on standby. Torres, what do you think?"
"Better get in there now, she's got a few fractures that don't worry me. I can get in and reset them once you're done. But this femoural break has transected the artery. I need to get in there right away to control the bleeding. Ross, how's she looking?"
"Stable for now, they're having her prepped and taken to O.R. 1."
"Alright, let's get down there."
As the three doctors rushed down the trauma ward's hallway, Callie spied Arizona talking cheerfully to a night nurse at her station. Her smile was just as big as it had ever been, but to Callie it was a ghost of the radiant grin that had always infected her with it's joy. She sighed as she slipped from her view, and reset her focus onto the patient waiting to be saved downstairs.
An hour into the procedure the patient's blood pressure began to drop.
"She's going into DIC. Let's get her on FFP and packed cells." Bailey said calmly.
"How's it looking over there Torres?"
"All good on my side, got the bleeder under control. It must be coming from your end. Do you want me to come help you look for it?"
"No, i think Ross and i got it. It's got to be down here somewhere."
"V-tach'." The nurse exclaimed. As the monitors blared through the room.
"Push one of epi'. Let's get cardio back down here." Callie ordered.
"Ross hand me that ultrasound." Bailey held out her hand for the wand before running it over the patients chest. "The pericardium's full of blood. Nice catch, Torres. Let's roll her onto her side and prep for a peri-cardio centesis."
Callie was at the patient's side immediately, taking Ross's spot as first assist. She took the needle from Bailey and inserted it through the patient's ribs.
"Damn it. The blood's too thick, lets push warfarin and prep for a peri-cardio window." She barked as she extracted the needle and handed it back to the nurse.
"Somebody page cardio again." Bailey added.
"She's arresting." Ross urged as the staccato bleep morphed into one morbid, never-ending note.
"Yang's here, let's open her up." Bailey stated, rolling the patient onto her back.
"Wait, let me try again. The warfarin may have done it's job." Callie held up her giant needle. Yang nodded her go ahead so she jumped right in. This time the move was flawless. She extracted the needle and pulled away to give Yang room to defibrillate.
"Charge to 100." She said as she placed the paddles over the woman's chest. "Clear."
"We have a pulse." And just like that the tension in the room melted. Everybody took a sigh of relief as the patient's stats leveled out.
"Should i stay or..." Cristina began.
"Pressures dropping again." Ross exclaimed.
"Shit."
"It's her leg." Ross pointed at the pool of blood forming at Callie's abandoned incision site.
"She must have popped a stitch in all the excitement." Bailey reasoned.
"No. No. No." Callie chanted to herself, suddenly frozen stuck to the spot, eyes wide as she stared at the patient. A blonde tendril of hair had poked through the shower cap over her head, but the rest of her face was just as colourless as any patient's ever was.
"Do you want to jump in and help? Any time, Dr. Torres?" Bailey nagged.
Callie's vision blurred and suddenly all time slowed inside of her. She tried to quell the panic rising in her chest as the room around her continued on at it's rapid pace.
She resisted the urge to clutch her now pounding head in her hands by taking a series of shallow breaths. She squeezed her eyes shut to cling to her wavering resolve just as Bailey's urgent voice broke through the haze in her mind.
"Dr. Torres?" She urged when she got no reply.
"I think her heart's dissecting." Cristina stated. "Prep for emergency sternotomy."
Suddenly, the switch flipped and Callie jumped into action, "i have to cut it off. Her leg. I have to cut off or she'll die. 10 blade?"
"What are you doing?" Ross and Bailey exclaimed at the same time, momentarily entranced by the red line Callie traced parallel to the tourniquet they had just placed over the patient's thigh.
"The infection in her leg is compromising her heart, we have to cut it off before she dies."
"Torres, stop!" Bailey exclaimed. "You just need to stop the bleeding, her leg's fine. There's no infection"
"No. No. Trust me, i know this will work."
"She's been down for 9 minutes." Ross said.
"It's fine, we can still save her." Callie assured him.
"No, we can't. Her hearts in shreds, there's nothing left to save. She's gone. We have to call it, Torres." Cristina stated.
"No! She's not gone. We're not done trying. Bone saw!" She demanded. Nobody moved to hand one to her. "Bone saw!" She repeated more forcibly, but when she received the same response she lurched forward to grab it herself. Ross, stepped into her way, holding her back by the invisible barrier of the sterile field between them.
"Move, Ross. That's an order."
"Dr. Torres, she's gone." He pleaded.
"Time of death: 03:43." Bailey conceded
"No, i can save her." Callie plead.
"We did the best we could, Torres. Go home and get some sleep. I'll stay and talk to the family." Bailey spoke as she removed her surgical gown and gloves.
"No, i can save her. I have to save her." She reiterated, tears filling her eyes. Bailey placed her hand on her shoulder.
"Callie, it's done. Come on now."
"No." She shoved the hand off of herself and went to weave around Ross, making a grab for the saw but he grabbed her around the middle and held her at bay. She fought hard against him, cursing violently in spanish.
Like elastic, her resolve snapped, she sank to her knees and began sobbing openly on the floor. She felt Bailey's hand sooth over her back; murmured vibrations rolling through the air, before Dr. Ross helped her stand. They walked from the room, half her weight sagging onto the resident. They set her down on the first stray gurney they found. Nobody said anything, merely sitting with her, supporting her until she had calmed herself into deeper, calmer breathing.
"I think you need to go home, Callie. Get some rest. We'll take care of business here."
She looked up to the sound of footsteps towards them.
"You paged her?" Callie accused.
"Yes. She's gonna pick Sofia up later and bring her home for you. We gotta go talk to the family. Are you going to be okay?"
"Yeah. Im fine. Thanks guys."
She waited for them to turn the corner before hissing at new member of her company.
"Are you here to gloat?"
"No, of course not. I came to check on you. Are you okay?" Arizona looked at her sincerely.
"Oh, yeah. I freaked out in the O.R. And had to be carried out. Yeah i'm totally fine."
"Callie-"
"No, you know what. There's nothing you can say that won't just make this worse. Please, just leave me alone."
The man listened to her story with no comment other than to make brief notes on his clipboard. Callie didn't tell him that it'd been Arizona who she had argued with at the end, but he didn't make anything of it regardless.
"Can you tell me anything about your home life? Has it been particularly difficult adjusting over the past few months?" He pressed again, knowingly.
"Ha! Past few months? It's been hell for almost a year and a half!"
"Can you tell me what happened at that time to create stress in your life?"
"Oh, come on, isn't that in my file?" When the man made no move to respond other than to stare politely back at her, Callie rolled her eyes and elaborated.
"The plane crash? The one that my wife was on?"
"The plane crashed eighteen months ago?" He asked offhandedly.
"Uh yeah."
"Im sorry, Dr. Torres, would you mind telling me the date today. I've forgotten to post mark our session." His entire demeanor suddenly switched.
"It's- it's november eighteenth." She paused. "Twenty thirteen?" She added when he didn't respond. "That was just your way of making sure I'm sane right. Asking me the date? You're not really that clueless are you?"
He laughed openly, "you caught me. It's always harder to be subtle with anyone that has had previous medical training."
"Right." Callie smiled half-heartedly.
"Anyway, going back to your wife, has the separation been hard on you and your daughter. Suddenly becoming a single parent must take it's toll."
"Oh so us breaking up is in that file huh, but you've never heard of a plane crash?" She put him on the spot.
"Does my line of questioning make you feel uncomfortable, is that where your hostility is coming from?" He inquired.
"What, no. I'm, i'm just, you know, trying to ensure the ability of the man who gets to tell me when i can operate again."
Again, he just stared at her, silently probing.
"Fine. Yes, of course it's been stressful on us. But i haven't turned into a single parent, Sofia is still Arizona's daughter. She gets her three days a week and every other sunday."
The man perked up in his seat slightly, his eyes flashing over Callie's body.
"So you see Arizona often then?"
"We work in the same hospital. Of course, i see her every day."
"But you aren't together anymore? Why is that?"
"She became a different person after she lost her leg. She blamed me, treated me like crap for months and then when she started cheating on me i had to leave."
"And previously, Arizona would never have done that?"
"No. She always treated me... Like she loved me. When we were together i never doubted how much she loved me, not for a single day."
"And you doubt it now?"
"She isn't who she was anymore."
"Would you say that she progressively became the opposite of herself?"
"Yeah, i guess i would."
"Have you fallen out of love with her?"
"No. I'll always... She just- it became too painful to keep her in my life. But she's.. I mean, it will only ever be her."
He let forth a stream of scribble across his notepad.
Callie had felt uncomfortable during the entire session, her anxiety was rising with every minute and in the silence she began squirming in her seat. The fervor of the man's pen made her feel like something to be ogled at.
"It's 2:15." She exclaimed, her heart suddenly pounding.
The man looked up, stilling his hand, and set is piercing gaze back on Callie.
"Is there somewhere you need to be?"
"Um, no. No, i just-"
"What's significant about that time?" He probed.
Callie could only look at him blankly, her head was getting too loud; her mind too heavy and she had to rest it in the palms of her hands.
"Sorry doc, i think we're going to need to reschedule. I can barely think through this headache. I need to get some sleep."
"Yes, i think sleep will be a good thing." He agreed before scratching his pen over his prescription pad. "I want you to take this. I know you don't want to but just humour me for one night and then we can resume this session tomorrow."
Callie unlocked the door to her apartment. She hadn't been there in what she thought must be weeks. She put her bag down on the floor as she closed the door behind her.
"Callie? What are you doing here?" Arizona looked up from the kitchen, her tone was hopeful.
"Oh hey. Sorry, i know i probably should have called. I just walked over from the hospital."
"No. I mean this is your apartment too, right? You can come over whenever you want. You don't have to call... Or leave right away."
"Uh, right. Well i just came to pick up a couple of things. So i'll be out of here in a minute. Im not interrupting something am i?" She asked as she made her way into the bedroom.
"There's no one else, Callie." She urged from the doorway, watching Callie pile items into a tote bag.
"Hmph, right. Whatever." Callie finished up and pushed past Arizona back out into the hallway.
"Callie, please wait." She stopped, but neglected to turn around. "You could stay for dinner. Maybe we could talk? Please?" Arizona continued.
Callie shook her head, "I'm not ready yet, Arizona." Her voice was small. She didn't wait for a reply before walking out the door
"Dr. Torres, good afternoon." The man greeted her from the doorway of the boardroom. "I thought maybe for our session today we could go on a bit of a field trip."
"I thought i'd tag along too if that's okay?" Meredith pushed past him, into the room.
"Oh um, yeah. Sure i guess." Callie agreed, admittedly happy to not have to spend the next hour in a stuffy boardroom.
The three of them walked over the cat walk towards the stairs. Relieved, she noticed April chatting animatedly with Arizona at the coffee cart.
"Hey, April. Could you do me a favour and let Dr. Robbins know that i need her to pick Sofia up from daycare today. I'm not sure where we're going or when we'll be back." She nodded her head at her companions and looked back to the very perplexed red head for confirmation.
"Don't worry, Derek will pick her up when he gets Zola later." Meredith said.
"Oh, right." She replied. "Never mind, Kepner." She called over her shoulder.
They drove for about twenty minutes before turning in through wrought iron gates and parking on a gravel lot. They got out and walked through a path in a line of trees, emerging into a man-made clearing. It was a very sunny day, uncannily so. It was warm and vibrant and lively. A breeze drew past them and the sound of children playing came from far off. As they walked further in Callie began to fidget.
"Callie, what's the matter?" He asked.
"Nothing. It's just- it's 2:15"
"2:15 again? Can you remember what that means to you yet?"
"It's just the time. It doesn't mean anything."
"Are you ready to talk about why you've been so stressed lately?"
"Look i don't like to lose patient's i hardly think there's anything wrong with that."
"Why not?"
"Because surgery is.. My whole life i've never been good enough for anything. I wasn't good enough for friends in high school. I wasn't good enough for George, or Erica, or my mother. I have never been good enough. But in the O.R., when all i am is a surgeon, i am good enough. No i'm the best. So no, i don't like it when i lose a patient!"
"Callie where are we?" Meredith asked gently.
"Uh- the park?" She looked at her incredulously.
"She's not getting it, we need to snap her out of this." Meredith spoke to the man in a low voice.
"It's not time for that yet, she needs to get there on her own."
Meredith rolled her eyes at the man. She entertained an internal struggle for a moment or two before shaking her head and deciding to do what she thought was best.
"Callie, she died. At two-fifteen, one week after we got back from the woods. She got septic and her heart stopped before they could amputate. She died."
"What, who died?"
"Dr. Grey stop, if you force her too soon it could bring about a psychotic break."
"No, you said it yourself. She snapped in the O.R. Because her mind wants to remember. You know that but i know Callie. We've been friends for eight years, there's no 'doing things gently' with her. I know Callie."
"I strongly advise against-"
"Who died!?"
"Arizona. Callie, Arizona died. She's gone."
"This is a joke right? I literally just saw her talking to Kepner not even 20 minutes ago." Callie laughed.
"Then why did you shout at Kepner to pick Sofia up and not just say it to her?"
"I was being passive-aggressive!" She looked between them "To remind her im still mad at her for cheating on me!"
"No, you did it because deep down you know that she wasn't there. Come on Callie, look at where we are."
She eyed Meredith exasperatedly, waiting for her to break character but when she did nothing but hold eye contact, pleadingly, Callie conceeded to humour her.
She looked around at the bright, thriving trees that highlighted the lush grass so well. She barely took any of it in. A gleam caught her eye, the sunlight reflecting into her periphery. She turned towards it, locating the polished chunk of granite that was throwing light. She thought about how weird the city council was getting, using decorative rocks to riddle the park. She heard more laughter from the children playing in the distance just as she considered how those very rocks must get in the way of their games.
As she listened she noted how the glee was really just one continuous note and realised it wasn't laughter at all, but the whistling through the trees. She wondered how she could have possibly confused such dissimilar sounds. She took a step forward, shaking her head to clear it, and bashed her foot into one of the decorative rocks. She decided right then that they really were the stupidest thing she'd ever experienced.
She lowered her gaze to glare at it in respect of her throbbing toes and noticed an etching upon its front. Pouting, Callie narrowed her eyes in confusion and crouched down to read it.
"Arizona Robbins
november 5, 1977
may 24, 2013"
"Okay, this is getting ridiculous." Callie stood bolt upright and pulled her phone from her pocket.
"Who are you calling?" The man asked.
"You, get out of here. We dont need you anymore." Meredith snapped at him.
"He's a terrible shrink." She added to Callie.
"I'm calling Arizona, to end this prank of yours once and for all."
The phone barely touched her ear before an mechanical female voice met her.
"The number you have dialed is not in use. Please ensure that you have the correct number and dial again."
Callie went to dial again when Meredith put her hand over the device.
"I'm dark and twisty but this isn't something i'd joke about. I know you know she's gone you were fine for two months and then a couple weeks ago all of a sudden you're saying weird things and sleeping on my couch and crying your way through all of my wine. She didn't cheat on you, she didn't lose her leg. Arizona never did anything but love you and now you've created these delusions in your head for what? To make it easier to get over her? That's not how you want to remember her is it? As just someone else who broke your heart. She was more than that to you i know it. Don't insult her memory by remembering her as anything less than the beautiful, loving, mentally-whole woman that you always knew her as. You two were more perfect for each other than Derek and i and we're the McDreamy's. You need to remember."
Callie didn't have it in her to do more than shake her head with tears in her eyes.
"No." She whispered. "That's not true. I just saw her."
"Im sorry, Callie."
"No." She dropped to her knees in front of the head stone, tears finally flooding her eyes. "No. No. No." She lay her hand flat over her name.
She remembered it all, images suddenly flashing through her mind, forcing their way in past the walls that Callie had used to block them out. Meredith was telling the truth, Callie remembered. She remembered the colour of her coffin.
"You made me so happy, baby. I don't know how i'm supposed to live without you. Sofia misses you so much, i can't get her to sleep anymore. But i think you know how happy you made me. I hope i showed you everyday. At least i don't have to worry about you up there. You're with Nick. You're with Tim."
Callie looked at the sky, begging the tears to go away. Begging for five minutes ago when she didn't remember. It was no use, she couldn't hold them back anymore.
"Damn it, Arizona! You were the one person i was ever good enough for. You were supposed to be the one that stayed. Damn it, why did you have to get on that plane!?"
She wiped her eyes and felt the flash of rage dissolve as quickly as it had flared.
"Arizona, please. I love you so much. Please, Arizona. You can't be gone. I can't say goodbye, dont make me say goodbye. You were everything i'd been waiting my whole life for. You were supposed to be the one that stayed. You can't be gone. I am so sorry i wasn't good enough to save you. I'm so sorry i let you down. Please. I love you so much."
Callie collapsed against the headstone. Her tears dripping down into the grass before it. Her body shook violently as she tried to cling to the only tactile object she had left to cling to. It was as close to her wife as she would ever be again.
Sometimes you're the person that spent so much time alone that you made peace that that was just how your life was meant to be- just in time to meet the love of your life. Life pats you on the shoulder and gives you everything you could ever need. And just as soon as you're given hope it's ripped away. Like some kind of cold metaphor to be grateful. It's all gone and you've got nothing left to believe in. Not even that old acceptance you once found that maybe you could be okay on your own.