The Unofficial Sequel
Being Book 1 in the life of Judas Rimmer
Tyler P. Bateman Esq.
Introduction
A couple of millennia ago (maybe), a writer by the name of Princess Lauren E. Scavenger wrote a fanfic of epic proportions. Its name was 'Floor 13: An Impossible View' and its fan base was 'Red Dwarf'. The story was started by the simple premise, what if Lister and Rimmer turned in jail? The result? They fucked. A lot.
Okay, that's a really brief and somewhat inaccurate summary of the work, but if you haven't read Floor 13 or the just finished 'official' sequel then I don't want to ruin it for you. So, you can find them at these good websites:
(Where you can find a wicked spin off story of my spin off story)
Now, you maybe asking why this is an 'unofficial' sequel. If not, fuck off. If you are then the reason is simple. I'm not Lauren Scavenger. That's it really. Nothing to mysterious about that. There is the sub plot that I got drunk one night and thought I could write a short story based in Scavenger's universe, but that's inconsequential now.
Anyway, this picks up a couple of months or so after the original and, if I am to be honest with myself, is one of my better pieces of work. To summarise this, I can only say, it's a fanfic based on a fanfic of a British TV show, which contains some characters which are not even affiliated with myself, Scavenger or Grant Naylor and looks at the question of whether we are responsible for our actions or whether we are merely following fate.
Special thanks to Scavenger for allowing me to do this.
Enjoy!
Tyler P. Bateman Esq.
PS Everything belongs to it's respective copyrights. I'll do a more detailed list in the last chapter.
PPS And who's this Judas guy I just mentioned? Keep reading.
Ext. A Quick Stop Convenience Store. Day.
It's a peaceful day. Not a cloud in the sky. The only disturbance is by two stoners stood outside RST Video. Well, one, a tall guy, is being loud. The other, a rather plump man known as Silent Bob, is smoking. The tall one known as Jay stops ranting when he sees we are looking at him.
Jay: S'up! Me and my metric tonne amigo here got axed by that Bateman fuck to introduce his piece of work. I didn't wanna do it coz that guy is pretty fucked up. The first time we meet him, he's all like 'ya wanna chocolate pretzel?' and I'm thinking he wants me to take one in the brown eye. So, I'm like 'fuck you fag'. Turns out he actually meant the sweetest of God's dough products. Anyhows, then he's all like 'I work for RDSS'. The thing sounds like a fucking sports channel, but he's all like how him and a bunch of chicks write stories and shit. (To Bob) If I was in that group, I'd be like, 'wassup bitches! Youse fancy writing on this' and then I'd like whip out the ole permed worm. And they'd be like, 'check the size of that' and I'd be like...
Bob hits in the arm and Jay continues to talk to the camera.
Jay: Huh? Fuck. Yeah, so he's like all about how he writes this shit called slash. The mutherfucker actually writes about gay guys being gay. That's so fucking gay! Not only that, but he's like writing about this sci fi programme from that country, Great England or some such place. He's looking at me as if I've heard of it. I'm like, 'Little man, if it don't have Chuck Norris in it, I don't wanna know'. Personally, I'm thinking, if youse are gonna write about sci fi people getting it on, you should think of a way of getting that Tomb Raider piece of ass to get all lesbo with Sixty of Nine or whatever the fuck she's called in Star Trek. (To Bob) Have you seen her? Man, I'd fucking assimilate her faster then Walt Flanagan's dog. Bung! (Back to the camera) So, to cut a long story short, he axed us again if we'd introduce it and we said yeah. Personally, I was worried the dude was gonna like suck our dicks if we didn't. Though my tubby bitch here would probably relish the idea. Snoogans. Anyway, this is the fucking story. Enjoy it.
Bob hands him a piece of paper.
Jay: What? Oh yeah. This Bateman guy also wanted to make a dedication. (Reading the paper) Dedicated to Lauren Scavenger, I hope I've done you justice. Also shout outs to the rest of you. (To Bob) What a fucking repressed homo. You don't dedicate a story to a chick unless you're gonna get some action. He should really dedicate it to Judd Nelson. Fuck yeah! Come on Silent Bob, time to take a trip to the mall.
And with that they leave.
Chapter 1: Just
"Now that I've met you,
Would you object to,
never seeing each other again."
Deathly - Aimee Mann
"Can I sit down?"
Rimmer dragged himself from his stupor to face his guest. Rather then answer him, he turned his attention back to the floor and grunted.
"Thanks old man." said the Guest and took his position next to Rimmer,
"Look, don't bother with the voice. It doesn't impress me." Rimmer snorted, "Get rid of that ridiculous hair as well."
The Guest sighed and ran his left hand through his long golden locks and gave a sharp tug. The whole hairpiece came off in his hand and was replaced by a patch of matted, curly, brown hair. Rimmer stared with contempt at his twin.
"You don't like me, do you Rimmer?" the Guest asked,
"As sure as eggs are eggs, Ace." Rimmer snorted,
-//-
A few days previously the crew of the ship to surface vessel, Star Bug, were celebrating a successful scavenging. They had not only raided to ghost ships, but they also stumbled across the MIR satellite, which, somewhere in the past three million years had been converted into a trendy wine bar. It was desolate now, but they were still able to find a large supply of vacuum-packed liquor.
They then spent the evening making several toasts of honour. One to Kill Crazy, their lost, but not forgotten shipmate. One to each respective couple on board. One to Kryten, who was feeling left out and one to Hollister, the fat bastard captain who had made their lives a living hell on board the Red Dwarf. After much drinking and gorging the three couples took themselves to bed while Kryten tidied away. There was not a single glitch in his RAM that said that the humans were sleeping.
"More likely they are using their bits and pieces for sexual gratification" he mumbled, "Humans, pershaw!"
If Kryten had stopped mumbling to himself for more then one second, he may have noticed the strange blip on the naviscreen. A blip that had only occurred two times before. A dimension hole was opening and as usual the space ripple cause by it was going to hit Starbug.
When it did hit, Rimmer was just about to cum. As he felt the euphoria run through his body and heard the panting of Lister that suggested he was about to do the same, Starbug began to rock from side to side. When it had subsided, Rimmer pulled out and with out missing a beat, pulled the condom off his penis and began to search for his uniform.
"Well, that's never happened before!" he exclaimed pulling his shirt from under a desk,
Lister sat himself on their bed and wiped down his brow with a tissue. Then, he, too, began to look for his clothes.
"I don't think that was you Einstein." he smiled,
"That's right, Listy, steal all my thunder why don't you? Just remember that's the best sex you ever had."
Lister threw on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt while Rimmer fiddled with his now found uniform.
"Look, I'll meet you down at the cockpit," Lister said, "Though by the time you get dressed, it could all be over."
"Listy, you never know who this could be." Rimmer smiled, "This could be it! Aliens!"
Despite Lister's conversations with Rimmer, he couldn't convince his partner that they were alone in the universe. There was nothing they could come across that wouldn't have something to do with a gargantuan cock up by mankind. Gelfs, Simulants, Norman Wisdom droids, they were all fuck ups of mankind that were now being subjected to the vast emptiness of space. Still, this Rimmer hadn't had five or six years in space to quench his hopes. So, you had to love his enthusiasm. Lister grinned and planted a kiss on Rimmer's forehead.
"Maybe, Rimmer, maybe."
-//-
When Lister arrived at the cockpit, he found that everyone was already there. Shayne and Kochanski looked a bit disheveled, but Lister could have put that down to the turbulence before. The Cat, however, had a cut lip and JayVee was sporting a raw knuckle. A touch of foreplay interrupted, maybe?
"The craft is hailing us." Kryten said, "Should we reply?"
"Punch it up." Shayne said,
Kryten pressed a few buttons and the main visi-screen lit up. Shayne, JayVee and Kochanski gave a gasp, but the boyz simply smiled. He was back.
"Hello Skipper, Cat, Krytie. Permission to come on board."
"Permission granted, man." said Lister
The coiffered man smiled and logged off.
"What the fuck?" exclaimed Shayne
"Who was that?" asked JayVee,
"It looked like..." Kochanski mumbled,
"It's Ace. He's back!" cried Lister,
And deep inside, Lister hoped that it was his Ace. The Ace that had left after Rimmer's funeral.
-//-
Well, this is a bit weird, thought Ace, I'm sure this is the right place.
He expected that if he got the wrong dimension, then there would be a few changes, but as he made his way onto the landing bay floor he wasn't expecting to see Kochanski and two other females. The only familiar sight was his old shipmates. His eyes sparkled under his mirrored shades at the thought of spending some time with them. It had taken him a long time to master the Dimension Jump drive, but he had made a promise to himself that when he did he would visit his Lister again.
Lister grabbed Ace's hand and shook it vigorously,
"I hope I didn't damage your ship back then." Ace asked, "I managed to make sure my computer kept her mind on her calculations rather then my groin."
"No, man, everything's fine." Lister said, "Aw, it's good to have you back."
"It's good to be back, Skipper." Ace said giving Lister a sly wink, "So, tell me, what've I missed."
At that point Rimmer came bounding in. His forehead was glistening with sweat as he had run all the way from the bedroom to the cockpit and then down to the landing bay, when he realised no one was in the cockpit. In his exhaustion, he failed to give Ace a proper look and wrapped his arm around Lister's waist. Instinctively, Lister gave Rimmer a quick peck on the lips. Then, realising what he had done, he turned to face Ace. Stupid git! He was going to break his relationship with Rimmer to Ace later, but now it looked like it might be a bit too late. However, Ace didn't seem to flinch. He just scratched his nose and coughed.
"Sorry, Skipper." he said, "Appears I've got the wrong dimension. Must have got our lines crossed."
He let out a hearty laugh that died at the first sight of Lister's stern visage.
"Maybe not Sir." Kryten chipped in, "If it rings any bells, you may remember that out Rimmer was killed by a hologrammatic knight from a computer game. You attended his funeral before you left. This is a Rimmer that was resurrected by the Nanobots."
"It's true Ace." Lister said noticing Ace's confused look, "You've got the right place."
"Look, Ace isn't it?" Rimmer interrupted, "I'm sorry, but I'm getting the weirdest sensation that we've met before."
In a beat, Ace took off his shades and gave a full ceremonial Rimmer salute.
"Ace Rimmer, Space Adventurer. and you must be 1st Technician Arnold Judas Rimmer, you handsome sonuvabitch you."
Rimmer's jaw hit the floor quicker then a concrete filled lead balloon and his grip tightened around Lister's waist. Shayne moved her eyes between the two Rimmers. She had been doing it for so long that she was beginning to resemble an overworked Action Man. Finally, she pushed her hand into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette.
"What. The. Fuck. Is. Goin'. On. 'Ere?" she slowly sad, lighting her cigarette,
"Come on." said Kochanski grabbing the cigarette out of Shayne's mouth and crushing it under her foot, "Let's got to the kitchen. Something tells me we're going to need a drink."
Rimmer was the first to leave, shaking his head and rubbing his eyes. He was followed in turn by Shayne and Kochanski, JayVee and the Cat, Kryten and then, Ace and Lister.
"After I'm done explaining, Listy." Ace said, now sounding somewhat like Rimmer, "You've got some explaining to do yourself."
-//-
In the kitchen, everyone grabbed himself or herself a drink and Kryten poured Ace a whiskey. Once the girls and Rimmer had settled down, the boyz began to recount the tale of Ace Rimmer and Dimension Jumping. Lister and Ace made sure to miss out the part where Ace was in fact one of many other Ace's who went from dimension to dimension helping people in trouble. As far as, Cat, Kryten, Rimmer and the girls were concerned, Ace had been present when Lister's Rimmer had died. When their story had finished, each of the girls wanted to ask questions. Shayne wanted to know how many people Ace had killed on his adventures. JayVee wanted to know if there were any female Rimmer's out there.
"How did you find us?" Kochanski asked, "I mean, it seemed to me you were very precise."
Ace smiled and pulled out a watch from his pocket. He threw it over to Lister.
"Well, I didn't find you as soon as you think." Ace said, "Bumped into this relic and it told me all about you and what had happened. Didn't mention you and Rimmer were an item. That's why I was shocked before. We were about a year behind you and so, I used the Dimension Jump to catch up with you."
Lister fingered the black watch. It was like any other watch, except instead of a face, it had a small digital screen.
"Holly?" Lister asked,
The watch lit up and the bald headed computer stared right back at Lister.
"Gordon Bennett! He knows my name."
"Holly, what happened?"
"Well, after you lot made your escape, they cleared out your cells. Seeing as you left me behind, they chucked us out of the garbage chute. I've been floating with a pair of JayVee's knickers all year."
"Oh, Holly!" JayVee said looking over Lister's shoulder, "I'm sorry."
"No, don't be." Holly smiled, "I enjoyed the company. It's this bloke here who could do with apologising. Do you remember the last time I spoke to you? To tell you that there was going to be a cell inspection. After that, I hear nothing."
"Holly, man, I'm sorry." Lister pleaded,
"Well, I shouldn't be surprised." Holly said, now getting into the swing of milking Lister's pity, "It's easy to forget one of your bestest mates. What with the sex, the arguments, the blossoming of new and exciting relationships, the table tennis tournaments."
"Table tennis tournaments?" asked the Cat,
"Don't start changing the subject."
"Holly, we really are sorry." repeated Lister,
"About what?"
"About... wait. You don't remember do you?"
"Remember what?"
Ace laughed, "He's a bit battered. As I say, I had to pull him out of deep space."
"Pull who out?" Holly said looking around at everyone,
Lister handed the watch to Kryten, "Krytes, d'you think you could tap Holly into the mainframe?"
"Certainly, Mr Lister Sir." Kryten said making his way out of teh kitchen, thankful for a job that didn't involve talking about their times on Red Dwarf and Floor 13.
Through out the whole of this, Rimmer had remained quiet. He didn't know what to make of this Ace person. To be honest, he was a tad jealous of him. It was clear that he was better bread then Rimmer, whether he was held down a year at school or not. However, that wasn't the only thing, what was really bugging him was the way Lister was fawning over him. Lister had said that this was only the third time that Ace had visited, but Rimmer wanted to know what had happened on those first two occasions. They were just too close for comfort. If Rimmer didn't know any better, he could swear Lister was in love with this Ace. Rimmer didn't mean to be suspicious, but he was a Rimmer and who better to mistrust another Rimmer.