Title: Betrayal
Disclaimer: Characters belong to JK Rowling.
Warning: Slash. Sort of explicit.
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Feedback: Is sweeter then being in the middle of Remus-Sirius sandwich
Summary: Sirius goes to Remus for one last goodbye. Set on the night and following morning of the Potter's deaths.
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Note: Un-beta'd. As most of my works are… Written in 25 minutes.
He came to the door late on that Halloween night, letting in drippings of Black, angst, and tiredness. A wind was behind him; it helped ushered him in. Remus almost didn't move out of the doorframe quick enough. A hard-faced, silent Sirius nearly pushed through him, bringing himself into the dim-lighted room. Threw the keys to his motorbike on the worn table they had picked out together and nestled himself into the chair Remus always used for reading.
Questions were posed. Answers never really received in return. Silence lingered, deathly comforting, yet cold. Vacant of what those silences once held. Tea was then offered, since the reason of Sirius invading the flat he and Remus had shared went evaded. Tea was accepted thankfully, and fingers brushed over fingers when the cup was passed. Two pairs of eyes locked, one pair suspicious, the other apologetic.
What are you apologizing for, Sirius?
A comforting smile rolled over two lips, as the other pair sipped at the hot liquid. A hand, a sibling to the lips, was set on Sirius's shoulder. He was being welcomed; for whatever reason he came, he would forever be welcomed. Silence overcame them yet again, and when the eyes met once more, a new question was wordlessly posed. Are you back forever, or just for now?
It wasn't one Sirius could answer. He couldn't bring himself to confess the truth.
Suddenly, the empty teacup was pushed aside, no longer stations at his lips. He replaced it with Remus's soft, warm mouth, sending his tongue into its depth. A cry, or a moan, escaped. Surprise, indignant, and then pleasure, yearning. Hands flying into long raven tendrils. Strong arms enveloping around a lean torso, pulling up and closer; Remus's legs locking around Sirius's hips, keeping himself there. A breathless confession, I've missed this, Sirius. I've missed you. But still unanswered, still not brave enough to say the truth aloud to the one he loved.
Tangled in that position, they were searching for the bedroom. "Down the hall, on the right." But Sirius remembered. He didn't need to be told. He could conjure up every single time he walked the way, usually with Remus somehow in tow. It had been like that ever since they saw the place. This was their place. It was where they belonged. Home. And the bedroom, this room, was their sanctuary. It was what Sirius needed. Sanctuary. He could find it, immersed in Remus and all things his/theirs.
They fell together on the bed, lips parting to gasp for only a second. Then clothes hastily removed, hands exploring familiar territory everywhere, kisses placed on newly uncovered skin. Fast, and desperate, and filled with a hint of fear that it would never be this way again.
Remus was begging Sirius to slow down; how he wanted to enjoy this. Remus thought that this was Sirius's homecoming, that they would have this forever. He wanted to worship every moment, because he had missed it so. He was whispering this in Sirius's ear as he sucked and bit into his neck, making Remus moan in between words and phrases.
But Sirius wouldn't slow down. No. He couldn't. This was his therapy. Fast and hard, getting out all his exertion from the night and putting it into Remus. Feeling his muscles tighten and release and the sweat trickle down his back and brow. This is what he needed. And he needed Remus not to know. He had to keep him thinking that this was a forever-time, otherwise he wouldn't be allowed it. And he had to push away the gnawing feeling of guilt that was forming on the bottom of his heart for manipulating him in this way.
Completely spent, body heaving with each breath, Sirius collapsed to the bed besides Remus. The smile on his lips greeted him. Warm and loving and happy. Finally, happy. It wavered slightly when a similar look did not cross Sirius's face. Instead, he knew, his face remained cold and tired looking, worn out. Just like he felt inside. Remus stared at him, the smile leaking of his face, blending into a look of confusion, distrust, and hurt. Don't tell me that this is all there is, Sirius. His amber eyes were begging him to answer to unspoken question. But Sirius had resigned his position of speaking for the night. Silence would answer his question. Silence would be the truth.
The amber eye dilated, brows drooping. He studied Sirius hard. He did not want to accept it. Anger was growing, bubbling over, radiating off his face until… Until there was nothing left. Remus had been broken. Wide eyes, slightly parted lips. He understood. This was all there is. Sirius would give him no more. Now anger had evaporated, and only hurt remained. Heart breaking, soul destroying. Sirius felt tear prickling on the back of his eyes. He had hurt him so much, and now he knew. Remus rolled over, and though Sirius wanted to turn him over, declare how he had it all wrong and how he would stay with him forever, he knew he couldn't.
The Dementors would be there for him by that afternoon.
When the morning came, Remus awoke from a nightmare. Sirius had come and had left him. The bed and the apartment were empty come daylight. He sat up abruptly in bed, needing Sirius to enfold him in a warm arm, and tell him it was only a dream. Tell him that the nightmare had passed and that there was some excuse for the way he acted last night. Tell him he loved him and wanted to be with him. Tell him anything as long as Remus could crush up against Sirius's warm body and drift into a fond sleep. But Sirius was not there.
The side of the bed was cold. Blankets tossed back. It seemed as though it had not been slept in most of the night. Scanning the room, it was discovered the Sirius's Muggle clothes were not there. No note was left either, and no sound was coming from the bedroom door. Remus scrambled out of bed, tossed on a robe, and peaked out the window. The sun was just rising, and though it was still murky outside, Remus could clearly see the spot Sirius had parked his bike. It too was vacant.
Prying back his tears, his feeling of betrayal and of self-loathing for letting himself be betrayed, Remus padded softly out into the living area. He was going to warm up the pot of tea he had made, and read the paper. It was an average morning ritual, but today was just another average morning. Sirius was not with him again. When he arrived in the room, he noticed something. A shadow slinky across the room from outside. A dog. It was Sirius.
"Sirius?" The name was whispered cautiously. The dog transformed back into a man. He now held a piece of chrome in his hand, part of his beloved bike. He was covered in dirt, busy burying the parts to his bike in the back. He stopped and stared at Remus. Apologetic look still in his red-rimmed eyes. No sleep had come to him that night.
A request was made. Come back to bed. Sirius shook his head in response and the realization was complete. He was leaving.
"When will you be back?"
Sirius stared at him, eye averted for a second and then refocused. "Later." A lie, clear as day. Clear by the way his face contorted, his mouth hung down at the corners, and his murky gray eyes closed.
Later. It wasn't said aloud, but breathed, like a sigh. Like giving up and heart breaking once again.
The Sirius's mouth was crushed against his; in a quick moment he had crossed the room and was now pressing Remus to him. Lips sealed shut and hard against the soft flesh. No moans or fluttering of pleasure. Just a kiss.
"Goodbye?" It was a question, but it sounded like a parting word. Remus feared he was giving Sirius permission to leave him. He didn't want that. He didn't want him to leave again. Not again. Not forever.
"Later," Sirius murmured his response, is lips brushing against the stubble of Remus's cheek. "I'll come back to you… Later."
He pulled away, leaving Remus feeling cold. A chill began to creep up his spine. Sirius's eyes bored into him. It was the truth this time. His eyes told him. The sadness of his face told him. It was like Sirius regretted leaving as much as Remus did, and before thought telling him to stay for one last cup of tea, one last talk, one last kiss sunk to deeply into his brain, Sirius nodded. He shoved the paper, headline up, into Remus's hand and disappeared from the room. He wouldn't be coming back.
Remus looked at the empty spot on the floor which once housed Sirius, and then focused his attention on the paper. The headline was bold, and suddenly Remus understood more then ever. LILY AND JAMES POTTER KILLED BY VOLDEMORT. Remus understood just how much he had been betrayed.