Title: Queer Eye For the Fibbie Guy
Author: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian
Rating: R, for language and jokes.
Category: Humor, crossover
Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder.
---
"If you're in the D.C. metro area and think that the Fab 5 can help you..."
Scully's ears perked up when she heard what the television was announcing. The program was going on tour? This was positively amazing! New episodes of her greatest guilty pleasure. She wondered what other cities they were touring for new straight guys to make over. Scully turned her attention back to the vegetables she was chopping for dinner.
She was just reaching over to snag her wine glass when the phone rang. Sighing, she toweled her hands and reached for the cordless. "Hey Scully, I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way, your mother isn't there yet is she?" In the background she heard the sound of a horn blaring angrily and a loud rendition of a choice obscenity from Mulder. "Uh, no, no they're not." Scully said and returned to the kitchen. Mulder was complaining in her ear as she pretended to listen, sipping merlot. "Uh huh, uh huh, no, the gunmen haven't arrived yet- Because I'm making them wear ties too- It'd better match Mulder- No, Mulder- Just, I'll see you soon." And she hung up, exasperated.
It occurred to Scully that Mulder wasn't really good at any social function they had been to. Whether it be an F.B.I. function or a simple family dinner, her partner always arrived late, inappropriate attired, with little or nothing to say. He seldom cared enough to make his boredom and always made inopportune comments at inopportune moments. More often than not, Fox Mulder succeeded in truly embarrassing her. It had to end sometime, perhaps she would get around to telling all of this to her partner sometime in the near future.
Dropping the phone on the counter, she popped a chunk of yellow pepper into her mouth and washed it down with the last of her wine. She went back to chopping just as she heard the announcement once again.
"If you're in the D.C. metro area and think that the Fab 5 can help you-"
Just as it cut to commercial, a truly insane idea popped into Special Agent Dana Scully's head. This would be a perfectly wonderful and virtually harmless way to pay her partner back for all of the ditchings and arguments and ruined Donna Karen suede pumps. Resigning herself to her choice, she logged onto her laptop and sent a very detailed email to info@thequeereye.com. Sitting back in her chair, Dana Scully laughed- a little sadistically.
She laughed even harder when, a week later, she received a confirmation email telling her that the production staff would be glad to take on such a prestigious project.
Three weeks after Scully's initial email, there was a rather hasty and enthusiastic knock at the door of apartment forty-two. Mulder's partner had warned him that something was afoot, as he could not go into the experience completely unprepared. She had also been sure to see to it that Mulder had caught a few episodes here and there. One episode had actually sparked a discussion about the decor in Mulder's bachelor pad.
Scully had held a strange sort of delight with Mulder's delight over the show. Perhaps her plan could work out well for the both of them. Mulder would get new decor and Scully would get to see him suffer. Everybody would win- perhaps.
The day before the fabulous five were to enter Mulder's life and change it for the better, Scully alluded to her plan. "Mulder, would it be alright if I stopped by tomorrow morning? I have a few files to drop off before I go to my mother's." She smiled, and turned away for a moment, attempting to make the self-made mirth in her eyes. "And a few friends might be stopping over."
Mulder, however, was lost in his own world of college basketball and heard only every third word she said. "The guys are out of town." He changed the channel and lost himself in another program. Scully sighed a bit and stepped in front of the television. Hands on hips, she spoke. "I'm not talking about the guys Mulder- I'm talking about *special* guests." Although Scully made a grand attempt to play it cool, she allowed a hint of hilarity to slip into her voice. At the sound of it, Mulder raised his head.
"Scully... that's something I usually say. What are you up to?" Sensing Mulder's apprehension, Scully moved to sit down aside her partner on the couch. He looked to her and then flicked the channel once more. "Hey, Scully! It's that gay show!" Mulder's excitement spurred his partner to speak. She began slowly.
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about actually. I, uh... well what I'm trying to say..." Mulder's attention was now focused on her and he opened his eyes a tad wider to prompt her to finish what she was saying. Clearing her throat, she finished. "They're gonna be dropping by tomorrow."
"Who... are gonna be dropping by tomorrow?" Scully smiled rather apologetically and let her eyes flit to the television. Mulder, wearing a terrified look, glanced at the TV as well, just as Carson's image appeared on the screen. His mouth dropped open just as his pupils dilated. Mulder turned back to Scully, stuttering.
"You, you didn't. You couldn't." Mulder paused for a moment and Scully continued to smile. "Did you!?"
Scully made a quick move to get off the couch at Mulder's stunned reaction. She wasn't exactly sure that Mulder would react as she had hoped. Walking briskly to the foyer she grabber her coat off of the eight ball and swung it over her shoulders. "Scully- Scully, you didn't, this is high profile shit. My face'd be all over television. Exposure that I'd just as soon avoid right now." Mulder sounded exasperated, which tickled Scully in ways she chose to ignore. "Well Mulder, there's next to nothing I can do now. I signed a waiver. But just think, you get to have a complete makeover and all for free!" Scully brought her hand up and gently slapped him on the cheek. "Live a little." She smiled again and in a few strides, made it to the door.
"Usually you're the one who tells *me* to open my mind. See you in the morning." And in one fluid movement she was gone, leaving a confused and upset Mulder standing in her wake.
Author: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian
Rating: R, for language and jokes.
Category: Humor, crossover
Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder.
---
"If you're in the D.C. metro area and think that the Fab 5 can help you..."
Scully's ears perked up when she heard what the television was announcing. The program was going on tour? This was positively amazing! New episodes of her greatest guilty pleasure. She wondered what other cities they were touring for new straight guys to make over. Scully turned her attention back to the vegetables she was chopping for dinner.
She was just reaching over to snag her wine glass when the phone rang. Sighing, she toweled her hands and reached for the cordless. "Hey Scully, I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way, your mother isn't there yet is she?" In the background she heard the sound of a horn blaring angrily and a loud rendition of a choice obscenity from Mulder. "Uh, no, no they're not." Scully said and returned to the kitchen. Mulder was complaining in her ear as she pretended to listen, sipping merlot. "Uh huh, uh huh, no, the gunmen haven't arrived yet- Because I'm making them wear ties too- It'd better match Mulder- No, Mulder- Just, I'll see you soon." And she hung up, exasperated.
It occurred to Scully that Mulder wasn't really good at any social function they had been to. Whether it be an F.B.I. function or a simple family dinner, her partner always arrived late, inappropriate attired, with little or nothing to say. He seldom cared enough to make his boredom and always made inopportune comments at inopportune moments. More often than not, Fox Mulder succeeded in truly embarrassing her. It had to end sometime, perhaps she would get around to telling all of this to her partner sometime in the near future.
Dropping the phone on the counter, she popped a chunk of yellow pepper into her mouth and washed it down with the last of her wine. She went back to chopping just as she heard the announcement once again.
"If you're in the D.C. metro area and think that the Fab 5 can help you-"
Just as it cut to commercial, a truly insane idea popped into Special Agent Dana Scully's head. This would be a perfectly wonderful and virtually harmless way to pay her partner back for all of the ditchings and arguments and ruined Donna Karen suede pumps. Resigning herself to her choice, she logged onto her laptop and sent a very detailed email to info@thequeereye.com. Sitting back in her chair, Dana Scully laughed- a little sadistically.
She laughed even harder when, a week later, she received a confirmation email telling her that the production staff would be glad to take on such a prestigious project.
Three weeks after Scully's initial email, there was a rather hasty and enthusiastic knock at the door of apartment forty-two. Mulder's partner had warned him that something was afoot, as he could not go into the experience completely unprepared. She had also been sure to see to it that Mulder had caught a few episodes here and there. One episode had actually sparked a discussion about the decor in Mulder's bachelor pad.
Scully had held a strange sort of delight with Mulder's delight over the show. Perhaps her plan could work out well for the both of them. Mulder would get new decor and Scully would get to see him suffer. Everybody would win- perhaps.
The day before the fabulous five were to enter Mulder's life and change it for the better, Scully alluded to her plan. "Mulder, would it be alright if I stopped by tomorrow morning? I have a few files to drop off before I go to my mother's." She smiled, and turned away for a moment, attempting to make the self-made mirth in her eyes. "And a few friends might be stopping over."
Mulder, however, was lost in his own world of college basketball and heard only every third word she said. "The guys are out of town." He changed the channel and lost himself in another program. Scully sighed a bit and stepped in front of the television. Hands on hips, she spoke. "I'm not talking about the guys Mulder- I'm talking about *special* guests." Although Scully made a grand attempt to play it cool, she allowed a hint of hilarity to slip into her voice. At the sound of it, Mulder raised his head.
"Scully... that's something I usually say. What are you up to?" Sensing Mulder's apprehension, Scully moved to sit down aside her partner on the couch. He looked to her and then flicked the channel once more. "Hey, Scully! It's that gay show!" Mulder's excitement spurred his partner to speak. She began slowly.
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about actually. I, uh... well what I'm trying to say..." Mulder's attention was now focused on her and he opened his eyes a tad wider to prompt her to finish what she was saying. Clearing her throat, she finished. "They're gonna be dropping by tomorrow."
"Who... are gonna be dropping by tomorrow?" Scully smiled rather apologetically and let her eyes flit to the television. Mulder, wearing a terrified look, glanced at the TV as well, just as Carson's image appeared on the screen. His mouth dropped open just as his pupils dilated. Mulder turned back to Scully, stuttering.
"You, you didn't. You couldn't." Mulder paused for a moment and Scully continued to smile. "Did you!?"
Scully made a quick move to get off the couch at Mulder's stunned reaction. She wasn't exactly sure that Mulder would react as she had hoped. Walking briskly to the foyer she grabber her coat off of the eight ball and swung it over her shoulders. "Scully- Scully, you didn't, this is high profile shit. My face'd be all over television. Exposure that I'd just as soon avoid right now." Mulder sounded exasperated, which tickled Scully in ways she chose to ignore. "Well Mulder, there's next to nothing I can do now. I signed a waiver. But just think, you get to have a complete makeover and all for free!" Scully brought her hand up and gently slapped him on the cheek. "Live a little." She smiled again and in a few strides, made it to the door.
"Usually you're the one who tells *me* to open my mind. See you in the morning." And in one fluid movement she was gone, leaving a confused and upset Mulder standing in her wake.