"It's a bit ridiculous, don't you think?" said Fred, walking down a narrow corridor with George. "Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, Slytherin… It's really just Hero, Nerd, Loser, and Snob. And then a floppy hat tells you which one you are."

"And it sings a song," added George. "Don't forget that."

"Of course," said Fred. He cleared his throat and did his impression of the Sorting Hat. "Trololo now that I've divided you into four groups, you must band together or else you'll all dieeeeee trololoooooo! Oh by the way, you're a nerd."

Fred and George laughed all the way to the Great Hall, where they saw Malfoy and his cronies approaching Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

"Shall we intercept this?" asked George.

"Yes, we shall," said Fred. He and George strode into hearing range of the conversation.

"Look," drawled Malfoy. "It's the mudblood."

Hermione's face reddened, but before she could speak, George put a hand on her shoulder. "Just a moment."

"Everyone, listen up," said Fred. Several people turned to watch. "I've realized something about Malfoy. Every one of his insults is about the family you were born into. You know why that is? It's because Malfoy hasn't accomplished anything since being born."

Malfoy's stare hardened. "I'd make you pay, but you probably can't afford it."

George laughed and looked at Fred. "It's almost like he's trying to prove your point!"

Crabbe and Goyle cracked their knuckles threateningly.

Fred looked down his nose at Malfoy. "Tell Crabs and Gonads they're not scaring anyone."

"You'd better watch yourself," said Malfoy as Crabbe and Goyle advanced.

"Look," said Fred. "The diva is sending out his bodyguards."

"What are they going to do?" said George. "Punch us? I think that's muggle-style fighting, but maybe mister pureblood can correct me if I'm wrong."

Malfoy motioned for Crabbe and Goyle to stop. "I'll hex you when no one's watching."

"Which will only prove you've lost the battle of wits," said Fred.

"Too bad his father can't buy him some better insults," said George.

Malfoy sneered. "I won't need petty insults when I join the Death Eaters."

"Actually, I'm glad you mentioned that," said Fred. "When you see the Death Eaters, do me a favor and tell them that whole hooded cloak look went out of style with the Grim Reaper."

"Not true," said George. "It's very stylish. I saw it in a catalog."

"Which catalog was that?"

"Victoria's Grandfather's Secret."

"You'd better be careful," said Malfoy. "I know about the Order of the Phoenix."

"You'd better be careful," said Fred. "We know about your order."

"Everyone knows about the Death Eaters," said Malfoy.

"Not that order," said Fred. "We meant your latest order of pervy magazines."

"Thought we didn't know, did you?" said George.

"Nasty titles in there," said Fred. "My favorite was Hippogriff Hoo-rah."

George laughed. "Voldy picks the best recruits, doesn't he?"

"The Dark Lord won't take this disrespect," said Malfoy.

"Really?" said Fred. "The guy can't even respect himself. Look at his self-esteem issues: he was embarrassed about his name, he requires worship, he kills people who upset him… Face it; the guy is like an evil, spoiled baby."

Malfoy's face went pale with fury. "The Dark Lord is the most deadly wizard in history."

"He got beaten by an infant," said George. "Even the bad guys in Home Alone 3 did better than that."

Malfoy's jaw convulsed with rage. "You won't be laughing when you're dead."

George laughed. "When I'm dead, I'll say hi to your dignity for you."

"When I join the Death Eaters," said Malfoy, "I'll make sure the Dark Lord comes for you."

Fred let out a low whistle. "Is the Dark Lord your mother's name because I think you're a bit late."