My sincere apologies to everyone for moving things around and I imagine the multiple emails to people who have favourited my story. I suddenly thought that putting the whole story on just one page might be better, but when I did it, when I removed everything else, I was really shocked at how long it actually was. So. It's all been changed back, and chapters 18 & 19 have been added. Enjoy.

CONNECTIONS

CHAPTER 1

EV

When I watch the rain, it makes me remember... it makes me remember my past...my tears...times when I've been happy...times when I've been sad... even times where I was angry or scared. The rain reminds me of a time when I felt the waves of fear wash from my soul, and it makes me remember a face... a face I will never forget...

I lay on my bed, curled over a pile of mismatched pillows and watch the drops splash and patter against the glass. The water streaks across the dark window, splaying out in a pattern that reminds me of a spider's web, spun with gentle care. I half close my eyes, slipping into the moment and then I realize my mistake. So careful...so careful... not careful enough, and the feelings, the dream takes hold. I force my eyes open as I always do, in an effort to remind myself of what is...what has been... to avoid the sudden rush of sickness that invades my senses. How quickly it comes...and how quickly I am reduced to a miserable shaking mess. How little it takes to erase the supposed healing passage of time. Don't remember Evey... don't remember his face, so unchanged in your memory...don't let it come...
I don't want to remember what once was mine...freely given…and lost…in the same moment. No!

I roll onto my back, eyes searching for focus, the waves crashing against the walls I've worked so long to build, so tirelessly...my heart aching, screaming against the cascade and my voice rising to meet it. I scream, matching the volume in my head and suddenly I simply can't lie still, pulling my body up from the bed. With a rush to my steps, a shake to my fingers and a drive, I grab my coat roughly. A jarring shove of my feet into my shoes and I rush to the door of my tiny flat, hurling it open without thinking.. The jostle and responsive rattle of the mirror at it's back giving me pause, the sound a threat to me, shouting it will break, just as I was inside.
With a shaky hand, I take a moment... closing the door enough to see my reflection. For what seems like an eternity I look at myself... into myself...questions, pain, all burrowing through the fabric of my mind.

"What am I doing..."... "What happened to me that I feel so helpless now..."... "Why didn't he stay..."

And that was it... the single question that hurt so deeply it felt like fire burning a hole in the depths of my heart... "WHY"...my hand slid down the door, making it move, and with it, my focus shifts. Blinking, I grab my keys, nails scraping on the wood of the table, and flee the now all too small surroundings, the door slamming behind me... a second later, I hear the skid and shatter of glass on the floor. It doesn't matter...

I couldn't breathe, my hand touching the wall, fingers splaying on it for support as I made my way down the hall. This was foolish... I knew it... I could hear some scolding voice telling me that to fall apart is of no use...it doesn't change a thing... why waste the time. But at the same time, I have to force my lungs to take air and they expanded painfully, fighting back. I looked ahead of me, the clock on the far wall above the stairs. 7:40... 20 to the hour... and I shook my head, closing my eyes for a moment. Another mistake as the reason behind this came flooding to memory and to view, and I snap my eyes open in reflex. I run now... down the hall… down the stairs...to the street…an elderly woman approaching staring at me as I race across the street in front of her, mouth agape, and her umbrella rises to gawk at me better. Damn it.

I didn't know where I was going...the rain already soaking through my coat to my clothes to the skin underneath. It streaks down my still shaved scalp; I feel it running behind my ears, clinging to whatever skin it touches. My hands ball into fists and I just keep running. Anything to not have to think. I run. I run...and I run until my limbs begin to ache... my lungs burning with the effort to keep up with the ragged breathing…and as I slow, I move to a nearby fence, slumping against it, fingers curling into the wire mesh. My hand goes to my throat and I clutch it, nails scraping against the skin as if to open it up, closing my eyes again, throat filling itself with a core shuddering sob...my body shaking in the wake, legs no longer able to hold their ground, and I sink to the water pelted ground. The water soaks up my pants like a sponge but I don't notice. In my ears all I can hear is the rain, pounding to the earth all around me, and the beat of my own heart in my ears. All I can do it rock, hugging my middle with my arms, soothing away the burst of emotions. It takes a few long...tortured moments for me to lift my head...suddenly conscious of my surroundings and looking around.

I had run into a park which at the moment seemed deserted, climbing structures and swing sets abandoned...and off in the distance I could hear the sound of cars swishing down the streets, the occasional honk of an offending horn and again the rain... the sound on the metal rooftops of the houses nearby, almost like a melody...

Always the rain... will it always be so..? A difficult memory, but soothing... the calm settling over me as I remember it's persistence...it's value...and as the rage of the emotions had hit...in direct contrast, they seemed to slip away. I felt a rushing flood fall and settle through me, like a wave to a rock and my lips mouthed the words...

"This is not all there is... this will not break me..." closing my eyes again, and committed to that memory and to what it had once done, and would do for me now.

And then I was calm...placing my hand on the ground, water immersing it as I pushed to my feet, fingertips sliding from the ground and upwards with the rest of me. At my head, I turned my face to the sky, raining meeting me for a second time...and I allowed it to wash over me... my eyes and lips...abandoning control…tears flowing freely and feeling them being washed away by that beautiful rain...as his fingertips had...so many months ago...

"Oh V..." the ache in those words resigned...but I spoke to him, through the rain..."In what state did you leave me...surely this isn't the way things are meant to be..."

I closed my eyes, bringing back his face in my memory... and in my heart I kissed him again... and again…let him go... as I was sure I would a dozen times more... brought my chin down, slid my hands into the pockets of my coat and turned...beginning my slow...contemplative walk back to my flat... my eyes on the ground in front of me.