Author's note: Okay, I'm only posting this because I can't post anything else, and I warn you, it's crack, and kind of crappy, and has a bad ending.
Then again, does anything related to BBC have a good ending?
Anyway, this is my mom's fault. We were just talking, and we had both seen the "Our John's a gay man now" clip from the Catherine Tate Show and Sherlock, and my mom decided, "Hey, why don't you merge the two?"
It was too good an idea to dismiss, and she's been nagging me to post it, and I kind of like it myself, so here you go.
This isn't slash, so get that idea out of your head right now. It's more of a parody of it, but not really.
Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock or The Catherine Tate Show.
It was all a big misunderstanding, really, but still completely Sherlock's fault that Moriarty was hitting on him.
You see, it started out with Ms. Hudson seeing something that she probably shouldn't have on John's computer. She typed in a word starting with 'G' at Sherlock's request, as he was too lazy to do it himself, and up came the result 'Gay Bars,' showing that it had been searched before.
Of course, this was because of a very interesting case that John was working on involving a sequence of murders at said 'Gay Bars,' so Sherlock should have corrected Ms. Hudson as soon as she got the notion into her head. Unfortunately, he was bored at the time.
"Oh, yes," he said at the look of shock on Ms. Hudson's face, "Did you hear about our John? He's a gay man now."
He expected a reaction, but he didn't expect Ms. Hudson to go parading around, telling everyone. But it was still his fault, of course.
It started with Lestrade finding out at a particularly odd visit to 221 B, where, lord knows how, the subject of romance came up, and Ms. Hudson entered the room to hear them talking about girls. Of course, seeing that this was a particularly sore subject for Sherlock after 'The Woman,' she decided to change the subject.
In the most unorthodox way possible.
"Oh, I don't know why you're talking about girls," she said, confusing everybody but Sherlock, who, still being somewhat bored, decided not to intervene. "Our John's a gay man now."
This, though it effectively changed the subject, was not recieved well by John.
"What!" he exclaimed, almost rising from his seat, "I am not!"
"Oh, don't be ridiculous, John," said Sherlock, "Of course you are. It's obvious in just the way you hold yourself!"
John gaped, "Sherlock! Why-!"
"There's no point in hiding it now," said Ms. Hudson, and John stared.
"I am not! Where did you even get this idea!"
Lestrade just sat back, amused, and Sherlock guessed his next move.
Of course, he would be even more bored later, so what was the point?
Lestrade, as predicted by Sherlock, ended up telling the whole police force the next day.
"Did you hear about our John?" he told Sally, somewhat loudly, while they were waiting around for Sherlock on a case. "He's a gay man now."
She just laughed, to his surprise. "As I expected. Is he pining for Sherlock, then?"
And, of course, this exchange was hardly private, and it wasn't long before John and Sherlock became the nation's favorite couple.
Even Sherlock didn't expect Moriarty's next move- breaking them up.
"Oh, John," he said when he'd finally managed to tie them up after a long fight that I won't bother describing. "John. John, John, John. John, John, Joh-"
"WHAT!" John exclaimed, peeved.
"I heard you're a gay man now-"
"I am NOT!"
"Oh, it's okay," said Moriarty, then leaned in what was probably an attempt at seductively, "In fact, it's more than okay."
John looked at him, confused, and then looked at Sherlock, who was horrified, and suddenly understood and became horrified himself.
"Oh, no," he said, shaking his head, "You're not-"
"-Flirting?" finished Moriarty, wetting his lips and winking. "Why, yes."
The way they got out of that situation was John kicking him in an unpleasant place, as Moriarty had mercifully forgotten to tie up his legs. You see, kicking somebody in an unpleasant place while tied up and they are playing with the knot on the flimsy ropes tying your hands is a very good idea if you wish to get a punch in as well and untie your other hand.
"Well," Sherlock said once they had managed to beat Moriarty enough, "One would think that a genius such as him wouldn't allow such an oversight."
"Uh, yeah," said Watson, utterly horrified at the thought of why Moriarty didn't tie his legs.
By the look on Sherlock's face seconds later, he had caught on as well.
They did not speak of the event again, and that was probably the reason that John blamed Sherlock for it forever after.
Though, to his credit, Sherlock did correct Ms. Hudson. Months later.